[raspberrytorte]

My AP has wiped out all of my delusional thinking. Completely. A lot of it was stuff that I believed even if it wasn't actively bothering me, but now it's all gone, and it feels weird. It feels like part of me got washed away. I feel like I used to really be connected to the beauty of the world, and now that's gone, like everything seemed magical before and now it's not.

I hope I'm making sense.

I'm working on a novel idea right now, and it's just not the same as it used to be, which is unfortunate. It's making me want to stop taking my AP, just until after it's written. I can't do that though because my husband told me he'd leave me if I stopped taking my meds, so I'm med trapped.

Does anyone else sorta feel this way?

[Ripose]

I was writing a lot, that is until I started Lamictal, soon after starting I even stopped posting here. The confidence and urge to write anything was totally gone. I am very, very slowly getting the urge to write again and I have noticed that I have been posting more.

I deleted 3/4 of a novel because I was turned off by finishing it after the Lamictal, now I feel like finishing it but WTF can I do except try to rewrite it. Meds suck!

Can you talk to your pdoc and tell him how it has affected you he may be able to give you something better, or perhaps like myself it just takes awhile to get used to the new med and your writing ideas will return.

[Sunflower123]

No but I sympathize with you. Sending big hugs.

[~Christina]

Since Bipolar sends many of us flying high high and higher!!!! Baseline can then feel boring or as you put washed out.

Sucks we can't all have both.

Baseline is better than trying to clean up the mess from a manic episode.

[BiPolarJoe]

Originally Posted by Ripose

I was writing a lot, that is until I started Lamictal, soon after starting I even stopped posting here. The confidence and urge to write anything was totally gone. I am very, very slowly getting the urge to write again and I have noticed that I have been posting more.

I deleted 3/4 of a novel because I was turned off by finishing it after the Lamictal, now I feel like finishing it but WTF can I do except try to rewrite it. Meds suck!

Can you talk to your pdoc and tell him how it has affected you he may be able to give you something better, or perhaps like myself it just takes awhile to get used to the new med and your writing ideas will return.

Ripose, I would certainly talk to your pdoc if you are unhappy with how the lamictal is affecting you. Some pdocs are certainly better than others but I think they are all better able to help us if we are 100% honest with them. By that I mean not only how we have been feeling since the last appointment, but also any significant life changes as these can kick our mood around significantly. Some recent family drama has me a bit estranged from my immediate family and it is no doubt a strong antagonist to my current mood.

[rwwff]

Originally Posted by raspberrytorte

I feel like I used to really be connected to the beauty of the world, and now that's gone, like everything seemed magical before and now it's not.

Very much identify with this, but as a math geek I may view the end result differently. In that I feel like I am now connected to the real world in a way that the magical, fantastic world would not permit. By being unable to see past the delusion, I saw only a facade created in my mind; and not the immense beauty of the natural world, as it is.

I wouldn't stop with your novel of course, but maybe pause and dig in to what the real world is like without magic and illusion.

It can be just as beautiful.

Interestingly enough, my stabilizer seemed to break most of the illusion by itself; the AP did finish it off a bit later though. I might have been mildy, magically manic at the time though, just maybe.. :-D

[bewise93]

I relate. I was going to school as an English major, and had an interested in writing a novel, not necessarily to sell, but just to see if I could do it. After the pdoc put me on Invega, my mind changed. I no longer was interested in writing or even going to school. Now that I'm on Seroquel, I can honestly say I am creative and will get back to what I know best. It may just not be the right AP. Some change personalities, some seem to do nothing, and others make me who I used to be, which is good. Consider looking into another AP.

[Unrigged64072835]

I feel that way with poetry. My meds changed and now I'm just writing junk. The thing is though I'm still writing, even if it's crap. Even if I don't feel like it or nothing is coming to me, I can find Web sites with prompts and just dabble with it.

[Wander]

That must feel horrible, not being able to write. I totally get the magical world slipping away after a bout of mania but I have discovered that the real world is more beautiful and magical. It will just take time to adjust. Don't stop writing, even if you think it is awful. It is best to keep with a routine and you can edit later when you are feeling clearer.

[raspberrytorte]

Thanks everyone for the replies.

I'm scared to switch APs. I'm worried the switch will make me psychotic. Recently I had a doctor who took me off my AP cold turkey and started me on latuda, and it ended badly, with me going psychotic and ending up in the hospital.

I'll talk to my new doctor about my creativity problems when I see him for the first time in september. Just see what he says about it. I'm in between pdocs at the moment (again).

[xRavenx]

I can totally relate to this. There is always that fear of medication changes, and also at times, contemplating going off of them, but I realize that's not healthy for me. Plus, I eventually adjust, and I think it's naturally that way for many people. There's going to be fluctuations. That being said, it's definitely worth talking to your pdoc about the lack of creativity. Some Bipolar meds along the way have made me very "flat," especially with some AP's. Also, the natural feeling of coming out of mania/psychosis can make everything seem so blah. With time, there's a period of adjustment. Your mind and body have gone through a lot with medication to wipe out the mania, etc., so it will take time getting a normal state of energy back, and it's good that you are going to talk to your pdoc. Best wishes.