[Ripose]

I am at a point in my life where I just can't take any more suffering. I am totally burnt out mentally, physically and spiritually.
The pain from when I broke my hip May 13 2016 never fully went away so I had a permanent limp which caused all sorts of problems with other muscles of the entire body. I was having med problems, suicidal thoughts and kept telling my wife she would be better off if we divorced so she could get on with life without me constantly dragging her down even though I knew I would die of loneliness without her.

I reluctantly agreed to have an artificial hip put in to stop the physical pain, so on July 13 2017 I had the surgery and I was sent home July 15 with all sorts of restrictions on my movements. I can't even put shoes or socks by myself which just added to the many responsibilities for my wife to tend too. I felt (and still do) like a big baby, always needing mommy nearby.

Within 2 days of getting home I accidentily overdosed on my meds while my wife was at work, this caused me to fall even though I was using a walker. I struggled for hours to get off the floor but to no avail. At one point I did manage to get a telephone but for some reason I could not dial 911 properly. My wife came home about 3-4 hours later an called an ambulance. I not really sure what happened but I do remember getting my wife to take me home while we were waiting for test results.

I guess I spent a full 2 weeks in my computer chair barely able to move because I had strained every muscle in my body trying to get off the floor. My head was bent down and to the right, I could not move it at all. I developed pressure sores on my butt from spending so much time in chair - just another problem to deal with.

I finally reached my breaking point of, misery and severe depression, I am right at this moment on the verge of what I would call a severe mental breakdown, I have been suffering for years and can no longer stand the physical and mental pain from all of my injuries throughout life.

I realized I was in a bad spot though and decided to try posting here before deciding how to proceed.

Please save me!

As the last 3 weeks have been nothing but a blur some things I say might seem out of order or just not make sense so just ask I'll try to think of the correct versions.

[Sunflower123]

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. Physical pain layered on top of mental pain is a double whammy. If you're saying what I think you're saying, please call your pdoc as soon as you can. You might also call your therapist. You need support right now. Hang in there and keep posting if it helps so we can support you through this. Sending big hugs.

[Ripose]

I could not do myself in. I just feel like what is the point of living if only to suffer - I think I am going mad.

[Sunflower123]

I have felt that way before. You are not alone in that. Could your pdoc evaluate your medication to get you some relief?

[Ripose]

I don't see a pdoc or T but my regular doc could increase my Lamictal I think. Lamictal worked wonders for my depression when I was first put on it.

[bizi]

Hi,
I am sorry that you are suffering, physically and mentally.
Perhaps it is time to get a professional mental health team on board as you are in a crisis mode.
A pdoc could prescribe better meds and a therapist could help you talk this through.
Maybe you could call your insurance company and see who takes your insurance.
An increase in your lamictal may not be enough.
((((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Ripose]

I live in Alberta so I don't have to worry about insurance but I have been dead set against pdocs for years and Ts are not much better. but I will have to see my doc again since I've also developed snapping scapula syndrome in my left shoulder since my fall.

My wife is awake now which does help too.

[Woolly Bugger]

Have you been getting physical therapy for your hip? What's the prognosis? What you are going through would bring anybody down, not just someone with a mood disorder. Don't give up hope -- it will get better.

[Ripose]

No PT they just give you a booklet with exercises to do and boot you out within 2-3 days.
I could not do the exercises because of all the muscles I strained. Just started doing them now almost 3 weeks behind schedule.
I think lack of sleep is driving me around the bed too.

[~Christina]

((((((((((((((( Ripose )))))))))))))))))))))))

My heart breaks knowing everything you have been going through.. Its BS to have such major surgery and then sent home to fend for yourself.

As for your wife? Let her help you with anything you need right now, I know it sucks for you.

My husband had major surgery on his shoulder about 6 years ago, Was hurt on the job. He was in a sling for 8 weeks, He could not dress himself he wasnt able to put shoes on , I had to help him bathe, everything.. He was going crazy with me having to help him with everything.. I did it because I loved him and he would do the same for me. So cut yourself some slack on your wife helping.

I know your meh about a Pdoc and T . Honestly I think if nothing else a T would help. Some place in real life you can go dump out all your thoughts and frustrations.. a sounding board in real life if nothing else.

I can vent on here (obviously) and I am happy you are... but I have to find a T to unload all the shyt in my head, I cant tell my husband he would be in a panic.

Please be kind with yourself . I know first hand how physical pain layered onto MI is a disaster in the making.

[Ripose]

I still don't know about a therapist, I don't trust them. Also I never leave the house alone and since my wife works part-time her schedule is already full of my appointments (plus her own).

Thanks for the heart felt reply, they all help.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Did you have occupational therapy at all to show you equipment so that you can put on your socks and shoes, pick stuff up from the floor, etc? If you didn't and are interested PM me and I'll tell you more. It might help you not feel so dependent on your wife. Is home health therapy an option? I don't know how Canada works but here home health can provide therapy when you can't easily leave home and it can REALLY help . A pamphlet is just not enough therapy after something as big as a hip replacement and then the after-effects of that kind of fall. Have you seen a doctor since the fall? I'm asking because sometimes being stuck on the floor that long leads to muscles starting to break down and it is painful, causes weakness and is generally frustrating and horrible to go through.

I'm kind of operating under the assumption that the physical stuff is making the psych stuff worse but I do think you need to talk the doctor about adjusting meds too.

You're in the worst part of hip replacement recovery. A few more weeks and it gets easier. I know it's hard to believe right now but it will. But don't neglect your mental health until it does.

As I said, feel free to PM me.

[Ripose]

I have a couple of gadgets to help me they just take a while to get used to.
I see the surgeon next week and he will get me into physio because of the problems I've been having. Getting there is another matter but I should be able to work something out.
I don't think I qualify for home therapy because I live with my wife, hmmm yet home care comes out once a week to check my incision and pressure sores.

The physical stuff is affecting me a lot mentally, so I think I will ask my doc to increase either the buspar or the klonopin to help me calm down.

Thank you for your reply, lots of good info!

[JMS4]

I'm so sorry you are going through both physical and mental pain. I suffer from ulcerative colitis an inflammatory bowel disease and whenever i am in physical pain, it makes my mental pain worse. I understand the feeling of not wanting to live a life with both wearing you down, without being suicidal. It's extremely difficult dealing with both types of pain. I cannot imagine the pain and frustrations of dealing with recovery from surgery. Keep reaching out for help. I hope things get easier soon. (((Hugs)))

I am so sorry for your pain.....so very sorry for all you are going through. I rely on the people around me too....for so much (physical and mental) and it's a horribly demoralizing feeling to be so dependent. Speaking as someone who also is very much needed by those around me I can safely say your loved one is glad to be there for you but I do know that is hard to accept. It's scary to be dependent......terrifying for so many reasons. I think a therapist would be helpful. (((Hugs)))

[Ripose]

Hi Elsa, you're right it does suck to be dependent on someone else. As the swelling in my feet goes down hopefully I will be able to use the gizmos to get my shoes and socks on a lot better. That alone will make me feel better!
It looks like my wife's hours are being reduced so she will have more time to help me and just maybe I will see a therapist, I still have 9 free visits left.

[bizi]

My therapist talked about being co-dependant yesterday.
What is the difference between that and love? I will start another thread....
((((HUGS))))
bizi
sorry you are struggling

Keep looking for a good T. They can be surprisingly insightful and supportive.