[Victoria'smom]

My T want's me to blog but I find here to be more helpful.

Both my husband and I am dreading this next semester for different reasons. He’s dreading teaching anything. He doesn’t believe he’s helping anyone. It’s tiring. He doesn’t want to do it anymore. However we wouldn’t afford for my son to go if he or I didn’t teach. I can’t teach, I can’t even hold a 5 min. Conversation. Now my son’s 15 and he just wants to go to hang out with friends. He doesn’t care what classes he takes as long as the kids are over 12. He has a good group of friends but teaching at 3 different places just to hang out with friends and then shuttling him off to college for his “real” classes is a lot. He can get his permit but IDK he’s 15.

I’m dread it because I’ve modified my life to avoid paranoia and I’m not able to do that during the school year. I don’t go to big store, try to stay inside, I don’t want to be around crowds, camra’s or anything like that. My husband doesn’t trust me home alone. I tend to get paranoid and take meds to sleep through the day because I’m so worried about them or someone breaking in. So unless I want to start an argument I have to go with him. I don’t have the energy to make daily battles.Then there’s all those people, kid’s asking questions, people talking to/about me or my family and we all know I can’t hold a conversation. I keep trying to tell myself it won’t be that bad but, it will. I’m not better just adapted to my paranoia. I was acutely aware of the camera in our apartment complex’s office and learned they have a camera on the pool, guess I’m never going swimming again.

I’m no longer second guessing myself. My husband hid all the sharp objects on me. I don’t want to confront him on it because what if it’s by accident or something and then I have to explain myself. What if he put them up because HE is having issues. He just restarted his meds so he’s not in a good place.I don’t know if he knows how “well” I’m doing. I’m on my laptop and headphones in. I can’t hear them at all. I don’t want my mind to go wild so I’m drowning it out. I just want to stay home where it’s safe, unless someone breaks in thinking no one’s home, then they’d find me hiding in the closet, but at least my dog’s here. Why can’t this be easier. I know I have to tell T all this but soon we’ll have next to no availability for therapy. Of course this all comes when I want to stop my meds. I’m to afraid the won’t let me have desolvables if I don’t comply. I’m thinking of going back to my old clinic for better availability but I sent my sister there and I want to keep our privacy.

IDK, I can act functional for short bursts and think this is all stuff I have to live with. No one can fix it for me. It's all just to much.

[BipolaRNurse]

Whatever you do, DON'T stop your meds. That has never gone well for you and it won't if you try it yet again. You're absolutely right, your insurance will deny you the dissolvable meds if they discover you've been non-compliant, and then you'd have to start all over again. It's not worth it.

I'm sorry you're still having a lot of paranoia. Frankly, I don't think you're adequately medicated, being on only two drugs. It takes most of us at least three or four, and some of us are on five or more. There's a lot of room for improvement, and you're lucky you're on a small enough dose of your meds that they can be adjusted upward if need be. I don't know, you may need a different antipsychotic or even another one in addition to the Zyprexa (I've been on two APs for years and have never had a problem).

Of course, I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose or treat you; you need to talk to your pdoc about that. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[Victoria'smom]

I told my husband why I can't go swimming. He asked if I was wanted, reminded me of all the street cams we go by daily. I told him I know and I'm "good" about it meaning I still go places. I'm thinking of asking for my lamictal to be raised so I'm not as quick to think ending it is a viable option. I don't see pdoc until after the school year starts. I really don't think <4x a year to see pdoc is enough for me. I understand they're swamped but I'm not sure this clinic is for us. My husband likes it there though because we're not there all the time.

[Sunflower123]

I absolutely agree you need to be seen more then 4 times a year. My pdoc sees me once a month when I'm in crisis with a weekly call in. I'm sorry you're struggling so much. I hope you can get some relief soon.

[~Christina]

Please stay on your meds.. When you fiddle around it never never ends well.

I think if you would be more open with your T you would feel better and then your ability to stay stable would improve

I hope you can reason out that traffic cams are not looking for you just people speeding.

Swimming? Great exercise !

[unaluna]

Just fyi, my apartment manager once told me that they have what LOOK like cameras like at the pool, but they are just there as a deterrent, they dont really work.

Good to know, if im ever not really drowning!

[Victoria'smom]

I'm really honest with my T. I don't really think she knew how bad I was until the questionnaire. She doesn't think my meds are working but she hasn't seen me off meds. or in a full blown episode. My meds are working just don't really think well. I'm not at a therapeutic level of lamictal.

I know the camera's tape everyone but I don't like them. I saw the camera's tv feed in the office so I know it's real.

[Victoria'smom]

I see T on the 9th. School starts the 14th. My sister visits the 14th. paying for classes the 28th. co-ops start in September. I see pdoc in September too.I can't even schedule it until the beginning of September. I'm trying to take one day at a time. I spent the day sleeping but most of the day I was without my headphones. Which is an improvement. Life seems too real. So my whole house needs to be cleaned and 2 yr old proof by the 14th including my son's room where they'll be staying. I calculated my husband needs to make $50k or more a year to be able to survive without me. So that's not going to happen and that doesn’t count how “well” emotionally they’ll do. I have to be “fake” soon as my husband’s best friend’s family is going to be here too. One day I’ll tell my husband I have these thoughts but he can’t help me with them anyway. So worrying him when he’s unwell won’t help. I doubt I’m properly medicated. I have no idea what to tell T or pdoc. I’m the queen of saying disturbing thing light heartedly with a smile on my face or laughing. Old pdoc said I have the wrong affect and it’s a SzA thing. New pdoc just looks concerned and ups my meds. Generally T’s have no idea how to handle this. It prevents me from getting proper help. Maybe I do need to be locked up for a while until my affect matches my feelings but whenever that happens I feel like ****. Getting me to take any of this seriously is hard for me and this is a life threatening disease for me.

[Victoria'smom]

We just got word my husbands best friend is coming the 14th. I had to cancel on my sister that was coming that day. I feel like **** but he hasn't seen his friend in about 3 years. I don't have enough room in our house for both . Why can't I be normal? I'm not sure I can fake happy for that long plus I'm hardly talking and when I do I'm asked why I'm mad. It's not that I don't like them just I have nothing in common with them accept my husband. I don't work, I sit on my ***, headphones on listening to music, surfing the web, get up cook dinner, interact for a little then back on the computer until dinner. He's a great friend. He even called me when I was in the hospital. It's like every year I get worse. It's hard when he's use to the hyper side of me. IDK. My thoughts are starting to get all muddled.

[unaluna]

(((Mm))) Its hard. You always have so much going on. I needed for my life to come to a complete stop, then i started adding back in what i could tolerate. Mostly that was just seeing a t, not working or seeing family. Its still hard.

[~Christina]

Can you make a list of things in order of when it is going to take place , mark each one off as completed, you will then see that you can indeed handle more than you think.

Don't overthink too much, yeah hard to do but you have nothing to lose.

[Misssy2]

I'm wondering if we are all experiments for psychiatrist to get their learning from.

My Dr. prescribes the weirdest things and comes up with scientific information as to why he is prescribing it...but he seems so quick to change something if it does not work for 2-3 weeks.

He never addresses my sleeping problem with medication thou..lol.
And anxiety med that actually helps me..I feel like I have to beg for it every month. Stupid..I dont trust any of them anymore..and that is not paranoia..

[Victoria'smom]

So I went to T. Told her all my stress and her answer was to put my son in school so I don't have to deal with the co-op's and my husband doesn't have to teach. Yeah like that's a real solution. I was so thrown off it didn't phase me when she asked if my medication was working. I told her I thought I'd be happier and she told me there not happy pills. WTF, I know that but not passively suicidal would be nice. IDK maybe she was just having a rough day

[Victoria'smom]

I've been talking to my husband and I may discontinue therapy. While questioning our schooling choice is okay but it's a lack of understanding our family and the situations we face. Not realizing she had told me to stay home would leave me to isolate and possibly hurt myself. She doesn't pick up on what's important. I don't help because I'm so quiet. I try to bring up things but she doesn't catch it. I'm just IDK, my meds aren't right, my T isn't right I don't know what to do. My husband wants me to switch back to the old clinic. I just want to say F it and just end therapy and see the pdoc 4x a year and be done.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Is there any other therapist at that place? If not your husband is right, you need to go back to the other place. You need someone monitoring you more than every 3 months. You would not suggest that I go to that situation would you?

[Victoria'smom]

There is no other therapist I can see unless I see my husband's T. I can still see her but IDK. My husband said he's not going back to the old clinic. My son doesn't have a T or Pdoc at the clinic anymore. I have no idea where he's going to get his meds. I really don't want to start all over but I don't think this T can understand me. I don't know what I would tell you. It's because our family is so complex maybe asking a T to understand us is to much.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

A therapist should be able to handle a complex family. Mine even manages to keep up with the names of siblings, extended family who I need to discuss at times, etc. And he's handled my bipolar that was never controlled until 10 years into seeing me, the sheer pain of my brother's arrest and legal issues from something so painful for me that I wasn't sure I'd get through it, a lot of med changes, various hospitalizations, and on and on. It's their job to handle complex, not yours to be less complex to make it easier for them.

I understand wanting to not share a therapist with your husband. But you deserve good care too. You deserve to feel good and your clinicians owe it to you to figure that out. It may be a long process, it certainly has been for me, but that whole time my pdoc and therapist were trying to find ways to help me. And now that I've significantly destabilized this summer they're back at doing whatever they can to help me feel better again. Which is what they are paid to do. Actually what my pdoc is paid to do; my therapist isn't paid on a sliding scale that I don't think gives him much for seeing me.

[Victoria'smom]

IDK, I have an appointment with her later this month. I don't even want to talk to her. I'm hoping with time my being upset will ware off. I'm trying, I miss my T in WV. She was a good T. I may go back to the first T I had here even though he wasn't the best he at least tried to keep up with my complex family. I don't want to start again. I know I'm a tough case and I'm lucky to get anyone that is willing to treat me.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You deserve good treatment. I see you posting that to others all the time but it seems like you don't think it is true for yourself. But it's true...

I wish you had a good therapist easily available. I travel 75 minutes each way but I know that isn't something that would be easy for you. I don't know if I would do that if I wasn't established with a therapist I really liked when I moved. But probably since there isn't a lot of choice here.

It's hard; I know. But you really should get good care; your providers owe that to you.

[Victoria'smom]

I don't think I can get a team like in WV plus very few places take medicaid. My old T doesn't. so I guess that's not an option. I don't have the extra $60-120 a month to see him. I feel anything I do I'm stuck. I don't want to talk to her about it because "they're not happy pill" really bothers. It's like she doesn't understand how unwell I am and summer is a calm time for me. I'm sitting here in tears because it's like I'm screaming and no one cares. It's getting bad enough that I'm going to end up in the hospital but I'm not really Sui because I know financially I can't do that to my family. I stick around for them. It stuck with me when a nurse said if I commit Sui then my son and husband would end up there (psych hospital).

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Any chance of a sliding scale somewhere? I know where I go offers it but I go to a Christian agency and that may change things.

Your therapist was idiotic to tell you that they aren't happy pills. I hate when they say that kind of thing.

Does your husband know you are feeling really bad?

Would it be better to go IP now before it has a chance to get even worse? Maybe a few days now would save you from a longer stay in a month or 2. A hospital SW might also be able to help you find a better therapist situation. And you've not been doing as well on the zyrexa so maybe they need to try to help you with that and IP is the fastest way to go for that as well.

I'm coming to the conclusion that if I'm not better in 10 days when I see my pdoc I'm seriously considering going IP to stop the hallucinations. They're better but still there and too much and I've fought hard enough. Haven't you? I think from here it sure looks that way.

[Victoria'smom]

IDK, if there's a sliding I'm at a place that does sliding scale. I've only heard of one other clinic but all bad reviews. I'm thinking of going back on the higher dose of zyprexa or ask for my lamictal to be raised but I have to wait a little over a month before seeing pdoc. I may raise it anyway on my own and see if that helps.

He knows I'm not well. He'd never leave me home alone like this.

Possible trigger:

I'll only go IP if I needed stitches from SH.

which I want to do but don't have the opportunity and I keep talking myself out of it because of the possible hospital stay that would result. I don't have time for an IP stay plus I'd have the same pdoc I have now in IP. Plus the clinic I go to is the one they refer you too. So IP wont help.

I don't get why no one sees it.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I don't get why no one sees it.

I'm sorry, sees what?

[Victoria'smom]

How bad I feel.

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

How bad I feel.

IME people only see what they want to see.

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much

*Willow*