[Matt75]

I've been reading the forum this week, getting great insight into our shared condition and our individual struggles. Has been enlightening to me and educational as I start towards management of my BP II.

I even posted once, about anxiety. No responses, which slightly bruised my ridiculously fragile ego. Trust me, it's me not you.

I saw my medication counselor yesterday and detailed what I would consider the first evidence of BP from my later teens, and the wild episode that I flipped into two years ago while I was taking SSRI for the first time in my life. This felt cathartic, and she was very supportive in maintaining her conclusion that I am in fact bipolar.

I have been confused and uncertain in the three weeks since initial diagnosis, and it felt good to be validated by her. Again, part of my personal self-doubt and also seemingly part of the confusing nature of the illness.

Saw my therapist today and he was also very supportive and validating. We talked about self-destructive thought patterns and how they turn into self-destructive behavior (especially at work). I feel stronger now than I have in months.

The 'denier' in me is still trying to convince me that I am not ill. This forum has helped me to understand that 'feeling better' is not 'cured' so I am committed to my medication and therapy. Knowledge is empowering to me.

I will begin some psychological testing next week. Perhaps no more insight will be gained, but the analytical side of Matt75 will appreciate any light that these tests can shed on the mystery of me.

My life with BP hasn't just begun, but me living with it has. I'm so grateful for your stories and your support, and I hope to offer the same.

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Matt,

Welcome to the PC Bipolar forum!

My apologies re: your prior post not receiving any responses. It happens sometimes. It's nothing personal, for sure.

Yes, BP is definitely life-changing. The sooner we can accept our diagnoses, the sooner we can move toward more effective management, at least in theory.

I think it's wise to get the testing done! Very wise.
My pdoc uses testing, often, if he has questions about some of what may be going on with a client. He feels it brings more clarity/insight to the table.

Again, my apologies to you.
I hope to see you around the forums.


WC

[Goals2017]

Just wanted to give you a reply. It's great your finding insight and comfort with your illness. What medications are you currently taking?

[UpDownAround]

Do not listen to the denier. I did for more years than I like to think about. Lost a few friends from being an arrogant jackass from time to time. Lost a lot of sleep because most sleep aids don't work well when the insomnia is hypomanic. Spent a lot of time depressed because I would give up on anti depressants or think I just had situational depression that worked itself out.
I am not sure if my social awkwardness is a separate or intertwined issue, but had I been willing to admit I had a MI, I almost certainly would have sought help for that as well.

Sorry your last thread received no replies....we will make sure that doesn't happen again

I hope your diagnosis brings clarity and therapeutic results. (((Hugs)))

[Shazerac]

sorry your post about anxiety didn't get a response

This is a very active forum and sometimes posts get over looked in the bedlam best wishes to you in your journey. I'm looking forward to hearing about it.

[Tryingtobehappy5]

Hey Matt, sorry your last post didnt get any responses. I just joined as well and within a few hours I was telling myself even these total strangers hate me when I hadn't got a response. Not sure I would handle none as well as you seem to be

I'm still in denial phase although I am here participating so maybe I'm only denying it so I can enjoy how high I'm feeling without my pdoc taking me down. Not sure lol

I haven't gotten a diagnosis although my therapist said she talked with my pdoc about it lately and she said she is thinking I'm hypomanic or maybe headed for mania(I think maybe hypo but its been close to a month and I'm still fine so I dont think I will get worse)

Going through all of my ups and downs this year since starting meds has definitely made me notice some things also starting in my late teens that could point to bipolar. When I went in for antidepressants for depression I denied any symptoms of bipolar because all I could think is I have never been happy just wave after wave of depression is all I could remember.

I don't know where I was going with any of that but I'm glad you are here! Will be waiting to hear about your results!

[Matt75]

Awww guys, you're too sweet! I never took offense to the no-replies post, meant it as a joke really. The denier inside just assumed I came across as 'normal' and everyone was like 'who is this poseur?'. I tend to paranoia...comes with the territory I believe?

And frankly I'm a bit flush from all the attention, even through the computer I get embarrassed easily

I am taking 50mg of lamotrigine, upping that to 100 next week. And buspirone 10mg thrice a day. I had severe sertonin syndrome this summer (100 sertraline/100 trazodone) so we are going very slowly with medications. Haven't noticed a huge difference yet, but I'm told that we will probably introduce wellbutrin at my next medcheck in three weeks. Thanks to the forum, I hope for good things around the corner.

Here's to bright(er) days ahead for all of us.

[bioChE]

Welcome to PC. More apologies for your previous post not garnering attention. You're on the money that we manage the condition and aren't cured. Good luck with your medication trials, hope they work out for you.

[GGChar]

Welcome! I nodded when I read your thoughts about no replies. We've all been there!

I welcomed my diagnoses of BPII. For many years I had been self medicating in vicious bursts with alcohol. It almost ruined my life. I could never figure out what was my problem; why I binge drank. That and debilitating depression, anxiety etc.....

Along with my other men's my PDoc put me on Lamotrigine last year and I have done so much better. So many things make sense and it's been a relief. But being here has been my biggest salvation. I don't feel alone and I don't have to figure things out by myself. MI no longer scares or embarrasses me and I'm a lot more easy on myself. I can read myself better so that I can take steps if I feel I'm heading in a bad direction.

It's so much nicer to be able to take care of myself rather than fighting "demons".

Good luck!

[Matt75]

I hear you about the 'demons' GG, and my substance of choice was marijuana. And my wife's Xanax

I'm moving forward in optimism and caution.

[Sunflower123]

Welcome Matt. I'm glad you're here.

[liveforsummer]

Welcome Matt you'll find lots of support here

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by Matt75

I hear you about the 'demons' GG, and my substance of choice was marijuana. And my wife's Xanax

I'm moving forward in optimism and caution.

My recent ones were alcohol and prescribed adderall and opioids. It really sucks that I can't be trusted with pain meds as I have spinal stenosis and a couple of herniated discs in the lumbar region. When I overdo it and/or move wrong, I get levitation class pain and can only take Advil and/or bite a stick.

[RainyDay107]

Nice to meet you, Matt. This forum is very active so sometimes posts can slip through the cracks, so to speak .... feel free to bump your thread and ask for replies if it happens again. We are a supportive group and one of us now (for better or worse lol).

If I am really struggling then I'll type "PLEASE READ - have extreme anxiety" or something similar. We will reply and you're never alone here. No one wants to be here, but rest assured we have got your back!

[RainyDay107]

Originally Posted by Tryingtobehappy5

Hey Matt, sorry your last post didnt get any responses. I just joined as well and within a few hours I was telling myself even these total strangers hate me when I hadn't got a response. Not sure I would handle none as well as you seem to be !

It's nice to meet you, too, Tryingtobehappy!

[ldymia]

Hi Matt,
I have bipolar and I denied it to begin with. I just recently (in last year) have accepted it. It's good to have people who understand, and are supportive.

[Barrie61]

Originally Posted by Matt75

I've been reading the forum this week, getting great insight into our shared condition and our individual struggles. Has been enlightening to me and educational as I start towards management of my BP II.

I even posted once, about anxiety. No responses, which slightly bruised my ridiculously fragile ego. Trust me, it's me not you.

I saw my medication counselor yesterday and detailed what I would consider the first evidence of BP from my later teens, and the wild episode that I flipped into two years ago while I was taking SSRI for the first time in my life. This felt cathartic, and she was very supportive in maintaining her conclusion that I am in fact bipolar.

I have been confused and uncertain in the three weeks since initial diagnosis, and it felt good to be validated by her. Again, part of my personal self-doubt and also seemingly part of the confusing nature of the illness.

Saw my therapist today and he was also very supportive and validating. We talked about self-destructive thought patterns and how they turn into self-destructive behavior (especially at work). I feel stronger now than I have in months.

The 'denier' in me is still trying to convince me that I am not ill. This forum has helped me to understand that 'feeling better' is not 'cured' so I am committed to my medication and therapy. Knowledge is empowering to me.

I will begin some psychological testing next week. Perhaps no more insight will be gained, but the analytical side of Matt75 will appreciate any light that these tests can shed on the mystery of me.

My life with BP hasn't just begun, but me living with it has. I'm so grateful for your stories and your support, and I hope to offer the same.

Thanks for sharing. I was diagnosed with bp2 many years ago but have had no relief from major depression a. Thanks again!