[JanusunaJ]

There is something that I need or desire, but I don't know what it is.

Sometimes, it feels like I need human connection; intimacy.

Sometimes, it feels like I need my independence from my parents. And with that comes privacy.

Sometimes, it feels like I need to fulfill my potential. And with that comes the need to discern that which I'm most capable and impassioned to do.

Those are the things that I believe that I need; those that I'm most aware of needing. But in truth, I more than likely do not know.

I just feel absolutely alone, in every nuanced sense of the word.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

There is something that I need or desire, but I don't know what it is.

Sometimes, it feels like I need human connection; intimacy.

Sometimes, it feels like I need my independence from my parents. And with that comes privacy.

Sometimes, it feels like I need to fulfill my potential. And with that comes the need to discern that which I'm most capable and impassioned to do.

Those are the things that I believe that I need; those that I'm most aware of needing. But in truth, I more than likely do not know.

I just feel absolutely alone, in every nuanced sense of the word.

Same 100%. Are you inside my head too?

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Same 100%. Are you inside my head too?

It's definitely not a pleasant feeling. I suppose one idea that comes forward as a way to deal with those questions and the others that I can't define is to escape. Escape. But, I don't know how to...I've tried many things; I'm looking for ways out, yet I am trapped. Maybe answering those questions that I can give body to through defining them would present an exit? I don't know...

The only thing that I do know is that I need to get out. I'm reminded of the scene from the original Matrix movie when Agent Smith is interrogating Morpheus; Smith takes his earbud out and strongly outlines and emphasizes his desire to escape.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

It's definitely not a pleasant feeling. I suppose one idea that comes forward as a way to deal with those questions and the others that I can't define is to escape. Escape. But, I don't know how to...I've tried many things; I'm looking for ways out, yet I am trapped. Maybe answering those questions that I can give body to through defining them would present an exit? I don't know...

The only thing that I do know is that I need to get out. I'm reminded of the scene from the original Matrix movie when Agent Smith is interrogating Morpheus; Smith takes his earbud out and strongly outlines and emphasizes his desire to escape.

This relates to something from another of my posts. The Sanskrit phrase "Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu" means may all beings be happy, may all beings be free.
Do you meditate? That's the only way I feel truly Empty of everything and wanting for none. It's free in the best of ways

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

This relates to something from another of my posts. The Sanskrit phrase "Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu" means may all beings be happy, may all beings be free.
Do you meditate? That's the only way I feel truly Empty of everything and wanting for none. It's free in the best of ways

Good idea. Thanks for sharing. I agree meditation is a game changer (for me).

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

This relates to something from another of my posts. The Sanskrit phrase "Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu" means may all beings be happy, may all beings be free.
Do you meditate? That's the only way I feel truly Empty of everything and wanting for none. It's free in the best of ways

I've tried traditional meditation, but it is entirely too frustrating and it becomes an agitation. In the past I did enjoy going for long jogs and practicing my instrument. I considered those to be my meditative tools, but there really isn't anywhere to jog where I live now and I do practice, but that only fills at most an hour and a half of my day.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

I've tried traditional meditation, but it is entirely too frustrating and it becomes an agitation. In the past I did enjoy going for long jogs and practicing my instrument. I considered those to be my meditative tools, but there really isn't anywhere to jog where I live now and I do practice, but that only fills at most an hour and a half of my day.

Why did you stop playing?
I exercise several hours a day, sometime 3 and up to 5 when frustrations are in abundance. Getting in a brisk walk now and going to go to the gym for at least a couple hours later, including yoga.

[Shazerac]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

I've tried traditional meditation, but it is entirely too frustrating and it becomes an agitation. In the past I did enjoy going for long jogs and practicing my instrument. I considered those to be my meditative tools, but there really isn't anywhere to jog where I live now and I do practice, but that only fills at most an hour and a half of my day.

Unguided metitation makes me nuts and I find it frustrating. Have you tried a guided meditation? There is an app called "Head Space" that my doc recommended. Many people tried and found it helpful. There are many guided meditations that you can download from ITunes or from Amazon, also.

[SorryShaped]

If you are a member of your local library, and they participate in the freegal program, you can download a lot of free guided meditation mp3's for free, at 5 per week, plus lots of other music.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Why did you stop playing?
I exercise several hours a day, sometime 3 and up to 5 when frustrations are in abundance. Getting in a brisk walk now and going to go to the gym for at least a couple hours later, including yoga.

I still play, but not for recreation.

These days, I can only go for an hour or an hour and a half before I have to stop -- I'm usually pushing against thoughts along the lines of "stop doing this...stop doing this..." during that entire time.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

I still play, but not for recreation.

These days, I can only go for an hour or an hour and a half before I have to stop -- I'm usually pushing against thoughts along the lines of "stop doing this...stop doing this..." during that entire time.

My thoughts are generally selfviolent, like what a loser and idiot and bat s""t crazy and.... It's not true I know, and they had the problem, but it's the people that have said that throughout my life to me. I see their faces saying it and I charge on harder and faster. I need to let it all go so I can do things for the right reasons. Letting go has to be done, because it's imprisoning me to keep it surrounding me.
I must have listened to Rufus Wainwright's "14th Street" 12 times today, thinking of my ex. It's both sad and empowering at the same time. I never want to be involved with someone like that again or anyone like anything. People have all just hurt me and I learned to hurt myself by watching them.

I need an island of misfit toys to go and live on.