[ChibeeElf]

Well finally seen a psych doctor who has temporarily diagnosed me with having anxiety with depression disorder, bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. The Bipolar, depression with anxiety I've been told are 100%.

Lately all I feel is emptiness, I'm awake all night constantly crying, the sleeping pills the GP gave me for one week only didn't work and I had bad reaction to them. I just constantly feel used, feel abused in some aspects; feel alone, feel like there is no one I can talk to (especially feel like I got no one who won't throw my problems back at me when they are suffering a depressive melt down), feel like no one cares, I want my wife to be back but can't have her back cause she died nearly a year ago (she was the only one who truly understood and cared no matter what she was going through herself), basically I just want to give up and die.

Then tonight my mum has a depressive melt down blaming my grandfather, brothers and me for her feeling the way she does and she wants to die, she don't want to be here anymore. I had 20 minutes to get my arse out of bed, pack my bits I need like medication (part from antipsychotics cause the psych doctor took me off them and not given anything to replace them), get a taxi with what little money I had left, try to explain to 4 police officers to leave and I will be able to calm mum down, but no can't listen to me can they and because of that mum cuts her wrist open yet again.

So damn annoyed at trying to get the right help for myself and for my mum and getting no where, so damn annoyed at trying to get better but not working out for me at all. So damn annoyed at just trying to keep myself alive for the sake of my mum and grandfather yet mum feels that taking her own life isn't selfish but necessary for my brothers to finally grow up and leave her alone (my brothers are 31 and 27, I'm only 23 yet I'm the only one who has my own place and lives alone with 2 cats).

Sorry for ranting, but I can't go on being bipolar, and suffering with severe health problems like fibromyalgia and deal with mum and help her all the time with my grandfather when I can't even look out my window at the world without feeling suffocated by my own mind and demons when the times of the year change and which changes me too

[Victoria'smom]

Is your mum getting help? Do you have a support of a T?

[ChibeeElf]

Mental health people meant to call her tomorrow but no she don't have help or anything except me. I don't even have a therapist or anything myself, just got my care co-ordinator at mental health clinic. Not even got a set psych doctor right now I'm in between 2 different ones

[Victoria'smom]

Hopefully you can get help soon. You may have to step away from your mom until your stable yourself.

[ChibeeElf]

Hopefully I do, unfortunately though I can't step away from mum as I'm the only one who knows everything about her e.g medical problems and medication she takes. She won't even know what's wrong with her and what medication she takes let alone anyone else like my brothers

[GoingInside]

I think the trouble with mothers and family in general is that we may want and need to step back to take care of ourselves but then we feel guilty, thinking we are abandoning them when they need the most. And also the fear of losing them, of being left alone. But who takes care of us? I wish I could say something that could comfort you but I'm afraid to be at a loss for words. But don't give up. I hope you may find the help you need. You don't have to carry the weight of your family in your heart, especially when you're the youngest. Whatever dysfunctional dynamics they live with were already in place before you. It's not your fault and there's a big chance your own issues are derived or have been increased by them. Your feelings matter too.

[wildflowerchild25]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I just want to offer my support. Dealing with a loss of a spouse is hard enough and to add mental health issues of your own and your mom on top of it sounds awful. I hope you both get the care you need soon.

[Shazerac]

oh God I hear you with the wanting the damned bipolar to go away. I've been riding this dragon for decades. Piling a sick loved one on top of that is a burden that could break anyone's back. Care giver burn is especially hard on us.

Please try to get help for yourself through this nightmare. You can't help anyone else if you neglect yourself.

We're here for you. Please post as often as you want or need to. Lot of shoulders to lean on here at PC.