Really sick of being sick and afraid that I'm going to lose it again

I'm so frustrated with myself and for being sick.

I'm type I bipolar and I've recently become an alcoholic, a pretty severe one.

I lost my job, had to drop out of grad school, scared away the guy I was seeing, and had to move out of my house following a bad episode last year and I got taken inpatient for threatening suicide. I've attempted in the past. I had a BAC level of .39.

I'm on meds and have had to readjust them a lot due to side effects. My doctor won't give me benzos for severe anxiety, though I've never abused them. I used to take one to cope with horrible anxiety, I now pick up a bottle.

I've gotten my job back and I'm back in school. I'm already struggling with both because of mood swings and alcohol use.

I'm wearing the same thing since Saturday night. I haven't showered and I spent all yesterday sleeping. I was supposed to do homework and clean my house. My roommates are upset that I'm drinking all the time. I'm on a month to month lease and I'm afraid I'll get kicked out.

My partner said I could live with him and his roommate temporary if that happens, but I really pissed off his roommate the other day. On Thursday night, I couldn't sleep and was watching stuff on my laptop and getting up occasionally to smoke cigs. I wasn't being overly loud and I didn't think anything of it because no one has ever gotten mad at me for that. His roommate came out and yelled at me for walking around (I was in the bathroom) saying "if I can't sleep, no one can sleep." He's a light sleeper and he's also been mad at me for wiping down the counter when I couldn't sleep. I don't know why someone who makes good money and is such a light sleeper has roommates, but he's really pissed off. Two nights later, I came in from dinner with my partner and went straight to the bedroom and pretended to be asleep. My partner talked to him briefly asking if we kept him up the other night. He's like, "No you didn't, but your friend did. We're going to talk more about this tomorrow." I know this guy pretty well and am mad that he'd refer to me in such a condescending matter. My doctors told me that if I can't sleep, so get out of bed for a bit. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Since I'm up right now, this would be a great time to clean, but after last night, I'm afraid to do anything while someone is sleeping. I slept for 16 hours yesterday, but at least I was sober.

I've had tons of friends cut me out of their life for my erratic behavior. I'm a really nice person and good friend. My depressive episodes scare them.

I talked to my dad the other day and he sounded concerned and asked me to control my vices because he doesn't want me to end up like my aunt. She had a U of M degree and was dead from cirrhosis at 35. I think he could tell that I was drunk. I'm so disappointed in myself and hate what I've put my parents through. My sister died at 21 from an opiate overdose and I went to the hospital 6 times in 18 months. I'm so ****ing ashamed.

I'm trying to cut myself some slack because my diagnosis is extreme. I used to do way better than I am now. I know that I need to be better with medicine, but I forgot to take it a lot. I know I need to manage my drinking, but when I wasn't drinking, the boredom killed me. I hated AA.

I think it'd be easier if I lived alone, but I can't afford to right now. Idk what to do if I get kicked out. I love my partner so much, but am always afraid that he'll get sick of my **** and leave.

I wish that I was higher functioning and am mad at people for not being more understanding. Being "normal" is difficult for me and I don't think I should be held to the same standard.

I'm so tired of all of this. I hate myself and feel hopeless. What can I do?

You could see a therapist as well as see your psychiatrist for a med evaluation because whatever you are taking doesn't seem to be working. Once you're feeling better the alcohol abuse may start to gradually go away or you might need to go to rehab. Not to step on your toes but if your pdoc prescribed a benzo and you took too much of it...that along with a potential BAC of .39 could kill you. You have a lot on your plate right now. Please take good care of yourself. Sending best wishes for peace and healing.

I hope you got a little sleep and that your night didnt bring any more stress

I recently spent a few months drinking too much as well. Partly because I was bored and partly because of the mood swings. By the end of it I was drunk every day and so much more depressed. I spent a few nights in a cell because of my suicidal/explosive behavior while drinking. Then I went to a voluntary inpatient home(psychiatric) for 2 weeks and it was amazing the difference in how I felt after getting sober, I still felt like sh** because of the mood swings but after a few days I started to remember a few good things about myself and my life. All of that had dissapeared from my mind when I was drinking daily. I truly didn't believe that life would ever get better at that point. It still took a med change as well to get a little more stable but it took getting sober for my psychiatrist to even consider a med change. (I still think the meds caused the drinking but my pdoc said the drinking was why the meds didn't work)

I definitely think talking to a therapist if you are able to, as well as talking to your pdoc about a med change would be a good idea. Quitting drinking is almost impossible without help when emotions and thoughts are constantly overwhelming you. Take any help you can get would be my advice.

You should be understood and accepted, unfortunately way too many people don't even try to understand. I'm glad you cut yourself a little slack and I hope you realize that you aren't a bad person who should be hated, you just have a lot to deal with. I hope things start to get better for you soon, you deserve so much better

I do see a therapist and I meant to say that I never abused my benzo. He says I was just on it for too long. I got through college with it and earned a 3.96.

Sounds like you get "out of control." I've been there. It's not pretty. Your primary goal is to survive. I know alcohol isn't the answer but it works to suppress my si and self-harm actions, although, as you already know it's just another form of self-harm. Find a way to ensure you take your meds regularly. Regulate your drinking. Practice self-care. Blessings to you.