suffering badly

so as I previously mentioned i was on top of the world high functioning in stability and ready to put the BP thing behind me for good. Symptoms started coming back and all sign pointed toward manic. However I headed that way and instead things went mixed.
It is crazy how you can see the world in a beautiful blue and then within weeks everything you see around you is dark and tormented. I loss my social aptitude , my excitement and control. I feel tormented , the kind of mental anguish that you physically feel biting you inside.
I have been knocking myself out to sleep as much as possible to escape the pain but I wake up the same.
Just needed to get this out. Thx for listening

Also with major SI. Like the type I would go to the hospital for usually..But I cannot. there is just no way right now. I don't want to keep wishing I was dead though. Going to psych dr I guess. meds ick

So sorry you are feeling this way. Mixed states are hellish and very difficult to navigate safely through. If you can't go IP then an emergency appointment with your pdoc is your next port of call. Perhaps a tweek in meds will calm you down and let you get back on with your life.

I understand the need to knock yourself out to escape for a while. Being mixed is exhausting in every way and very hard to deal with, and keep up with daily responsibilities. The most important thing is to do all you can to stay safe. Do you have much support around you?

Support....eh kind of. My parents as much as they are capable of emotionally.
They would take care of my children if I went IP but with one son senior year and about do his driving exam and the other one in Football which is a very taxing sport schedule wise I cannot go. And I promised myself I would never go back anyway.
I think I'm going with the emergency pdoc appointment. I don't know what the hell to go on. I'm only on klonopin which is not helping in the least. I am in ruins inside my mind and body and I'm scared to be near ppl (like at football practice ) because I am waaaay on the urge of flipping out randomly and they cannot see me like that.

I don't know how how how I could believe it finally had gone away. I have had this a long time. I have been on this board a long time. I know what the literature says. But I had hoped I had somehow "grown out of it"
thx for listening. I have no one I can truly admit all this too. They obviously see my mood drastically has changed but the inner thoughts, the turmoil and the SI would be too much for them.

(((((Jacky)))) I'm so sorry you are struggling again. Bipolar is so unkind. Emergency pdoc appointment sounds like a good idea.

Thank you. I want to go back to giving support to everyone too. You guys are the best.

You expressed your pain eloquently in your posts...that's a bad space & I'm sorry you're there. I hope the pdoc can give you something to get you "back on top of the world" again!

Hi Jacky,

Sounds like you are having a very challenging time. I am sorry this is happening to you. I can understand wanting to be Present for your sons.

I hope you can "put the brakes on" and get some relief.


WC

Hi Jacky, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a rough space right now. Please do see your pdoc. I know...meds are a drag, but if they can keep you from IP, it's worth it. (((HUGS)))

Hello. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope you find relief. Sending big hugs and best wishes.

I'm so sorry Jacky. I can relate to thinking you've outgrown the issues. I've been there several times with h believing I'm cured and done with mental health issues. (((Hugs))). I hope your doctor can help you get back on track. Keep us posted.

How and where are you now?

So sorry to hear this. BP can be so unfair.

Thoughts and prayers

jacky

Just remember that the Horror Show will eventually end.

Talking about it as you are doing now will shorten the show.

There are other things we find that diminish the intensity and duration of the terror.

We simply fight with whatever we are equipped with and try to equip ourselves better.

You are not alone

So sorry to hear this, thoughts are with you.