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Old Sep 12, 2017, 02:12 AM
jacky8807's Avatar
jacky8807 jacky8807 is offline
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Location: jakevill
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so as I previously mentioned i was on top of the world high functioning in stability and ready to put the BP thing behind me for good. Symptoms started coming back and all sign pointed toward manic. However I headed that way and instead things went mixed.
It is crazy how you can see the world in a beautiful blue and then within weeks everything you see around you is dark and tormented. I loss my social aptitude , my excitement and control. I feel tormented , the kind of mental anguish that you physically feel biting you inside.
I have been knocking myself out to sleep as much as possible to escape the pain but I wake up the same.
Just needed to get this out. Thx for listening
__________________
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
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  #2  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 02:18 AM
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jacky8807 jacky8807 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: jakevill
Posts: 2,622
Also with major SI. Like the type I would go to the hospital for usually..But I cannot. there is just no way right now. I don't want to keep wishing I was dead though. Going to psych dr I guess. meds ick
__________________
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
Hugs from:
Anonymous37971, Anonymous59125, BeyondtheRainbow, liveforsummer, Nammu, Sunflower123, Travelinglady, Wild Coyote, wonderluster
  #3  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 02:59 AM
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Wander Wander is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2014
Location: Milky Way
Posts: 4,746
So sorry you are feeling this way. Mixed states are hellish and very difficult to navigate safely through. If you can't go IP then an emergency appointment with your pdoc is your next port of call. Perhaps a tweek in meds will calm you down and let you get back on with your life.

I understand the need to knock yourself out to escape for a while. Being mixed is exhausting in every way and very hard to deal with, and keep up with daily responsibilities. The most important thing is to do all you can to stay safe. Do you have much support around you?
__________________
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features
PTSD




"Phew! For a minute there I lost myself."

'Karma Police' by Radiohead
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Thanks for this!
jacky8807
  #4  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 03:44 AM
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jacky8807 jacky8807 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: jakevill
Posts: 2,622
Support....eh kind of. My parents as much as they are capable of emotionally.
They would take care of my children if I went IP but with one son senior year and about do his driving exam and the other one in Football which is a very taxing sport schedule wise I cannot go. And I promised myself I would never go back anyway.
I think I'm going with the emergency pdoc appointment. I don't know what the hell to go on. I'm only on klonopin which is not helping in the least. I am in ruins inside my mind and body and I'm scared to be near ppl (like at football practice ) because I am waaaay on the urge of flipping out randomly and they cannot see me like that.

I don't know how how how I could believe it finally had gone away. I have had this a long time. I have been on this board a long time. I know what the literature says. But I had hoped I had somehow "grown out of it"
thx for listening. I have no one I can truly admit all this too. They obviously see my mood drastically has changed but the inner thoughts, the turmoil and the SI would be too much for them.
__________________
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
Hugs from:
99fairies, Anonymous45023, Anonymous59125, fishin fool, liveforsummer, Nammu, Sunflower123, wildflowerchild25, wonderluster
  #5  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 05:19 AM
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scatterbrained04 scatterbrained04 is offline
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Member Since: Feb 2015
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,868
(((((Jacky)))) I'm so sorry you are struggling again. Bipolar is so unkind. Emergency pdoc appointment sounds like a good idea.
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Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, wonderluster
  #6  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 06:12 AM
jacky8807's Avatar
jacky8807 jacky8807 is offline
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Member Since: Oct 2014
Location: jakevill
Posts: 2,622
Thank you. I want to go back to giving support to everyone too. You guys are the best.
__________________
I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word
Now in the morning, I sleep alone
Sweep the streets I used to own
I used to roll the dice
Feel the fear in my enemy's eyes
Listen as the crowd would sing
Now the old king is dead! Long live the king!
One minute I held the key
Next the walls were closed on me
And I discovered that my castles stand
Upon pillars of salt and pillars of sand
Hugs from:
Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, wonderluster
  #7  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 08:04 AM
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emgreen emgreen is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2012
Location: Michigan
Posts: 9,645
You expressed your pain eloquently in your posts...that's a bad space & I'm sorry you're there. I hope the pdoc can give you something to get you "back on top of the world" again!
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Anonymous59125, Sunflower123, wonderluster
  #8  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 11:00 AM
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Wild Coyote Wild Coyote is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 12,735
Hi Jacky,

Sounds like you are having a very challenging time. I am sorry this is happening to you. I can understand wanting to be Present for your sons.

I hope you can "put the brakes on" and get some relief.


WC
__________________
May we each fully claim the courage to live from our hearts, to allow Love, Faith and Hope to enLighten our paths.
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  #9  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 12:25 PM
*Laurie* *Laurie* is offline
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Location: California Uber Alles
Posts: 9,150
Hi Jacky, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in a rough space right now. Please do see your pdoc. I know...meds are a drag, but if they can keep you from IP, it's worth it. (((HUGS)))
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  #10  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 12:40 PM
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Sunflower123 Sunflower123 is offline
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Location: USA
Posts: 26,579
Hello. I'm sorry you're having a tough time. I hope you find relief. Sending big hugs and best wishes.
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  #11  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 12:53 PM
Anonymous59125
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Posts: n/a
I'm so sorry Jacky. I can relate to thinking you've outgrown the issues. I've been there several times with h believing I'm cured and done with mental health issues. (((Hugs))). I hope your doctor can help you get back on track. Keep us posted.
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Thanks for this!
Wild Coyote
  #12  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 01:07 PM
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Travelinglady Travelinglady is offline
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Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 49,212
How and where are you now?
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  #13  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 02:16 PM
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Nammu Nammu is offline
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Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 76,777
So sorry to hear this. BP can be so unfair.
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Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann



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  #14  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 03:21 PM
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BeyondtheRainbow BeyondtheRainbow is offline
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Location: US
Posts: 10,206
Thoughts and prayers
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Bipolar 1, PTSD, GAD, OCD.
Clozapine 250 mg, Emsam 12 mg/day patch, topamax 25 mg, ,Gabapentin 1600 mg & 100-2 PRN,. 2.5 mg clonazepam., 75 mg Seroquel and 12.5 mg PRNx2 daily
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  #15  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 03:44 PM
liveforsummer liveforsummer is offline
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jacky
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  #16  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 05:17 PM
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wonderluster wonderluster is offline
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Member Since: Jun 2017
Location: 2nd floor
Posts: 272
Just remember that the Horror Show will eventually end.

Talking about it as you are doing now will shorten the show.

There are other things we find that diminish the intensity and duration of the terror.

We simply fight with whatever we are equipped with and try to equip ourselves better.

You are not alone
  #17  
Old Sep 12, 2017, 06:06 PM
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fishin fool fishin fool is offline
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Member Since: Apr 2015
Location: New Jersey
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So sorry to hear this, thoughts are with you.
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I traded it in for a whole 'nother world
A pirate flag and an island girl
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