[EruIlluvatar]

Hi there, guys. I'm new here, but not new to bipolar disorder. I'm 40 years old, and was actually diagnosed with "manic depression" when I was 5. Naturally, that scared the crap out of my mother and she took me and ran like a bat out of hell. The doctor wanted to put a 5-year-old on lithium, and none of those things were in any way normal in 1982, so my mom just tried her best to raise me as best she could. Needless to say, I was a pretty messed up kid, adolescent, teenager, and young adult.

It wasn't until I was 23 years old and found myself raising a fist to my 5-year-old child that I decided to seek help. No, that fist did not come down. I ran and locked myself in the bathroom until my husband came home from work, and then made an appointment to see a doctor as soon as possible. That was 17 years ago. I now carry the diagnoses of bipolar type 1 disorder, intermittent explosive disorder, and C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder).

Now the reason for my post. I've been married for 23 years. I married by best friend, the love of my life, when I was 17 years old. We weathered his 20-year career in the Army. We raised two boys to adulthood. He was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis back in 2012, I believe. When he retired, we were fortunate enough to have made some very smart financial decisions and moved to the beach, where neither of us have to work. Our life was basically perfect until these past 3 weeks.

I've always been very highly sexual, always had a little bit of hypersexuality that was my norm. Of course, my husband never minded and it's never been a problem. In all those 23 years, I have never cheated on my husband. We've actually been the poster couple for perfect relationships. But, the past 3 weeks has been the first time I've ever had a manic episode that included hypersexuality that was out of my control. I had no coping mechanisms. I had no idea how to control it. I started chatting with a guy on Words with Friends which led to chatting on email, which led to very graphic sexual role playing and graphic photos. My husband found my emails once. I swore it would never happen again. Me and the guy started emailing again right away. I was absolutely addicted to the attention. I couldn't stop. It wasn't 2 or 3 days until my husband found the emails again. One again, I swore it would never happen.

My husband worships me. He always has. And to me, he is my superman. I love him more than the word "love" can define. I could not even explain to him what was going on, except to say that I felt like I was addicted to the attention, that was able to compartmentalize my love for him with my need for attention from this stranger. Unbelievably, he forgave me a second time. I actually did stop emailing him the second time. For about a week. And then I couldn't stand it anymore. I emailed him again. Just as my husband I started rebuilding our relationship. Sure enough, 2 days later, my husband found those emails. I had no excuse. I felt like trash. Complete trash. My husband is a 20-year Army vet. He’s been to combat 3 or 4 times. He’s an amazing father. He loves me more than life itself, and I did this to him. He’s read all the emails. He’s seen the pictures. This third time just happened last night. He wants to leave me. We can’t divorce right away because we want to sell our second house and pay off our debt first, but he does want a divorce. I am completely dependent on him because of my bipolar disorder and the symptoms I have. I have severe social anxiety and agoraphobia. It’s getting to the point where I can’t drive. But that’s not the worst part. The worst part is I love him more than I any words can articulate. I’ve known him since I was 16 years old. He is my best friend. He is my everything. My body, my heart, and my soul needs him. This other guy was a disgusting piece of ****. He’s admittedly cheated on his wife several times. I didn’t care, as long as I got the attention I wanted. That’s how far down the rabbit hole I got. But I have ripped my husband’s heart out, spit on it, and threw it in the trash. And I don’t know how to fix this, or if it can be fixed. I know this third time just happened last night, just it’s a bit soon to try to fix anything. He needs space. He needs time. I was his world. He loved me so very much. I am humiliated. I am humiliated for him. I know I never had sex with the other guy, but, as my husband put it, I shared my soul with him. I gave him pictures of myself naked. Not only that, but some of those pictures were pictures I had taken for my husband while he was deployed.
My husband understands my illness. He’s been married to be since I was 17. But asking him to believe that part of what happened is due to my illness is going to be a hard pill for him to swallow. I realize, without question, that regardless whether it’s due to my illness, that I still am required to take responsibility for my actions. But I’ve been reading all these articles online about people with hypersexuality as part of their manic episodes, how they acted on it, how they got their husband to learn about it, and how they saved their marriage. And I want my happy ending. I want my husband to believe that I am not a terrible person, that this is something I would never do if my brain weren’t miswired. That there is no reality in any alternative universe in which I would purposefully hurt him like the piece of trash I behaved like. That I respect him more than anyone I know. That I cherish our marriage, that I cherish HIM more than I can possibly explain.
But what man in their right mind would give a woman a fourth chance in the span of 3 weeks? How do I save an almost perfect 23-year marriage? How to I keep my husband, nurture him, cherish him, and have him look at me again the way he used to look at me when he loved me, was proud of me, was proud to have me as his wife, the way he smiled at me, winked at me as I walked across a room, scooped me up and sat me on his lap to kiss my neck. How do I get that back?

[wildflowerchild25]

You MUST stop contacting ANYONE that you might be tempted to engage in these acts with. That's the first step. You HAVE to stop. I know you're not in control right now but if you continue, you will absolutely destroy your marriage.

I think the second thing is to show your husband how committed you are to your own treatment and recovery so that this never happens again. Get in contact with your pdoc, if you have one. If you don't, try to find one who can help you get this episode under control. Try to find a therapist/contact your therapist. Show your husband that you are appalled with what you did and you never want to do it again, so you are going to treat your illness as best you can.

Repairing the relationship will be hard but if you love each other as you do then I expect you will both be committed to repairing it. Maybe couples therapy will help if he's willing.

[CloserToTheMid]

I've been through this. Hypersexuality is my most destructive trait. For me, it is pure brain chemistry and a med adjustment is the only way for me to be normal again. It is also one of the most stigmatized traits. Advice like "quit cheating" is tantamount to saying "quit having hallucinations". I sincerely believe that only a p-doc can fix this.

I've also been married 23 years. I'm not sure how my wife was able to stay with me, but she did and I've been faithful and medicated ever since. If I start getting flirtatious with anyone, I go straight to the doctor and get my medicine adjusted. I don't play around with this.

You are not a bad person for this. You have my compassion.

Bipolar at 5? I'm glad your mom ran like a bat out of hell! I'm very sorry for what you and your husband are dealing with. If the goal in these flirtations is attention, I think it wise to get to the bottom of why you need this attention. I don't know if the root cause is hyper sexuality when it's about receiving attention. I'm not a doctor though, so I could be wrong. I too am married to a wonderful man and have had a couple flirtations with people on line. I would always cry and confess to my husband either the next day or a few days later.....I didn't understand why I did it but attention and low self worth seemed most likely. I was very sick and dependent and felt that lowered my worth to nothing.....I wanted to feel "not sick and pathetic". Several of the women in my life over the years had cheated on their husband (women not diagnosed with bipolar) and I judged them pretty harshly because of what cheating did to me in my childhood. Then I got sick and did the same. I told my doctor about the flirtations and he said "that's no big deal". My marriage and integrity ARE a big deal so it was very dismissive. I have discovered my reasons which has helped a great deal. Someone told me recently that when people cheat, it's not about them looking for someone better, it's usually because they don't feel they deserve the person they have got. Might that be going on for you? You speak so highly of your husband he almost seems like a god more than a human. Do you feel unworthy of him? If so, perhaps you can tell him this. My husband forgave me and I hope yours forgives you. I forgive myself also but do my best to not engage with weirdos trying to pick me up. Fortunately I'm older now and shouldn't have much of a problem with this. I've forgiven some very weird things my husband has done......relationships are give and take. I've yet to find a marriage without some weirdness beneath the surface when I'm nosey enough to check under the hood. Like I said.....I've known MANY women who have done this......good women. Please don't beat yourself up but please do try to find out "why" so you have a chance to fix it. I wish you so much luck.......your husband sounds very special and so do you. You sound like you appreciate and love him very much......I hope he comes to see that a few flirtations over the internet are not worth throwing away so many years of love. Please keep us posted and let us support you through this. (((Hugs)))

[Shazerac]

I agree that it's important to show your commitment to your marriage by immediately addressing your illness. Go to a pdoc if you don't already have one. Adjust your meds or get on meds if you are not taking any. There may be other underlying issues that are leading you to engage in risky behaviors, but the important thing is get a handle in the illness as soon as possible.

If you can't stop yourself from contacting this man you can at least make it more difficult for yourself. Delete all sent emails, delete his email address from your contacts. If you have his address written down, get rid of it. Delete the app or game or whatever venue you were on when you met him. Change your email settings so that if he tries to contact you his mail is automatically gets deleted.

I hope that your husband can forgive you. It does sound like you two love each other. I wish you all the best.

[~Christina]

Im glad your owning your actions, that is a good start But you have alot to prove to your husband that you can and will only love him and never contact that guy or ANYONE again. Turn the Hyper sexuality towards your husband.

Are you in Therapy / If not go go go go ! Do you have a PDOC ? you need to see them ASAP to see if a med /med adjustment can help.

I hope your husband is willing to go to couples therapy but he ALSO needs to see a Therapist to help him process what you have done to him and your marriage.

I hope that things work out for you and your husband. You have a long probably very tough road ahead of you.

Good luck

Welcome to PC

[EruIlluvatar]

I have definitely cut off all contact with the guy. I even deleted the email address. My husband is just devastated. Completely devastated. I am heartbroken for him. I am trying to call and make an appointment for a therapist right now. I doubt he will go, but I have to. At the moment, we are sleeping in different bedrooms. My life feels so surreal right now. For 23 years, we have been "that couple." The one everybody looks up to as the perfect couple, the one everyone wants their relationship to be like. And now I feel like trash. My husband is a 20-year Army combat veteran with multiple sclerosis. WHO DOES THAT TO A MAN LIKE THAT?! I keep going back and forth in my mind trying to decide whether or not I'm actually evil. Yes, I've had a psychiatrist since I was 23. I'm 40 now. My next appointment with him is on the 24th of Oct. I really dislike my therapist, so I haven't been in a while. I'm supposed to be seeing her once a week and it's an hour drive there and back, so I'm currently looking for therapists closer to home and trying to get an appointment right now. My husband is very much reluctant to believe anything about bipolar disorder having anything to do with this.

But my question to him is, in 23 years I have never so much as looked at another man, and all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I start, well, what basically amounts to having cybersex with some guy I met on Words with Friends of all places. The guy is a piece of ****. He's cheated on his wife 6 times. He can barely spell. His fantasies are absolutely disgusting. There is nothing about him that would otherwise turn me on, and certainly nothing about him that would hold a candle to my husband. Not to mention that the whole time I'm doing this, there is this voice in my head that is screaming "What the hell are you doing??? Why are you ripping his heart out like this?? Why can't you just stop???"

Yes, I know, regardless of why I did it, I still have to take responsibility for my actions. I still have to get help, pay the piper, earn his trust back (if he'll even let me).

Today, he's planning on taking a leave of absence from work, a job he doesn't even need, but one he loves. This means he's walking away from something he loves because he needs time to think about whether or not his marriage his worth salvaging.

My mother is on the way and will be here tomorrow. I know it sounds weird, but if anyone can fix this, my mother can. My husband respects her opinion more than anyone in the world.

I feel sick to my stomach. Sick because of what I've done. Sick because I was too weak to stop it. Sick because I couldn't keep our wedding vows. Sick because this is the woman I've turned into. Sick because he'll never look at me with pride in his eyes again. Just sick,