[Victoria'smom]

I'm starting to think my T will get my meds up, suggest IOP or IP. I want none of that. I'm currently caring for my nephew through out the week. Sun-Thursday. Yeah, that was a bad idea. I don't want my meds increased because I can't take the weight gain. IOP and IP is out of the question because then my whole family would find out. I want to cancel but won't. I'm getting more and more confused. I can no longer talk to my husband, T or Pdoc. I'm not sure but I want to skip Wednesday co-op because it has cameras. However will that mean I spend the day hiding from intruders or hurt myself IDK? So to add to my inability to speak I'm now paranoid great combo. I have until Monday for me to decided if I go to T. and I have until Wednesday morning to decide on co-op.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Please go to see your therapist. She cannot increase your meds. She can only make suggestions to your pdoc and you can discuss your feelings about that with both her and your pdoc. You need to talk to someone and let them know what is going on, only if just to monitor you.

I know it is scary. I've been to my therapist a lot of times knowing he was going to want to contact my pdoc and I was afraid of what the outcome would be. It has turned out though that if he contacts her I am less likely to wind up IP (IOP isn't possible here so I don't have that to worry about) than if I waited until I just saw her.

You need to talk about the desire to self-harm and maybe develop a safety plan.

Do your nephew's parents know how bad you are feeling? I know my sister would always rather I told her I'm not well enough to babysit my nieces than to watch them when I'm really unwell. If I do it's not good for anyone.

[Shazerac]

It's sounds like you are not in a good place at the moment. Please talk to your therapist. They can't decide to change your meds only a doc can do that. Your desire to hurt yourself is a warning that you need help. Please do this for yourself

[Victoria'smom]

Not even my husband know how I am. My leg is shaking randomly so that's a clue I'm going up. I never tell my in-laws or family what I go through, hell I hardly tell my husband when I can get away with it. I've slept the day away because I just didn't want to deal today. Running away has crossed my mind but I can't. I know being silent will hurt me but I trust no one. I have to much energy in my limbs. I'm not having rushed speech. Just confusion. I think I'm talking alright, am I?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You sound alright; I can tell you are up but not sure if i could if I didn't know.

My leg shaking is one of my warning signs too.

You need to talk to your husband. He usually knows anyway, right?

[Victoria'smom]

I texted my husband this:
"Just to warn you, I'm going up. Not the happy one, The confused, paranoid, want to hurt myself, run away kind. "

[BeyondtheRainbow]

You did the right thing. I know it is hard. I hate telling my mom and usually wait until I'm so sick it is obvious to absolutely anyone something is wrong but it works better when she knows more than she guesses, although she never knows it all (my mom is the one who helps me).

[Victoria'smom]

Why is night worse?

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I don't know. It always is for me too. I think I feel confined and that I know I should be tired and sleeping and since I'm not I focus more on feeling bad? Not sure though

[~Christina]

Your able to be verbal here in font , you CAN do the same with your T

[Tucson]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I don't know. It always is for me too. I think I feel confined and that I know I should be tired and sleeping and since I'm not I focus more on feeling bad? Not sure though

I think this is true. Somtimes when I have something to focus on, perhaps even productive, the depression became much less of a problem.

[jacky8807]

Paranoia and the resulting confusion SUCKs for lack of a more pretty word

I hope you get it straightened out MM. Don't give up
keep on fighting the good fight.

Its so important to find good quality of life. I want that for you