[SorryShaped]

I haven't slept in a few nights and the racing thoughts are full steam ahead. I can't even think about one single thing long enough to type it in in one try. I'm getting these flashes of light from being very tired and feeling lightning pains all the time now, the same ones from my neck but nearly constant now and a lot stronger.
I've not told anyone how bad this is. I really did think it was waning or under control.
I'm on meds. I did skip last night but I thought it might help me sleep if I skipped once and I'd been drinking. Gotta try something. The only suggestion I had was "you could take extra Seroquel." No, I think I'm going to ask for something different altogether. I'm supposed to call her and let my pdoc know if it's not better by Tuesday or it's urgent.

I've had some really bad friends breakups yesterday. One of them sent me out the door, after saying I could crash there because we'd been drinking (trying to pass out and hopefully go to sleep) but he sent me out the door with my keys in hand saying "you're fine. Drive." We were having a good time, laughing our butts off at a show we both love, then it's just "time to go." I left. That's really unsafe. I waited until things weren't spinning so much and picked my way on the back roads anyway. I've only done that once before ever and I still carry guilt every time I drive, it just is something terrible I think about the possibility of killing, and I'm very angry that I did that and he let me to do it. I'll not be hanging out with him again.
Then there's someone else. I thought we were going to have an open and honest friendship. Wrong. Open and honest people do not get their siblings to speak for them. "I didn't want to hurt you" means to me you don't value me enough to talk to me honestly. That's was why I was drinking. This one hurt me on the same thing before and before. I don't that.
I've only had alcohol twice before this year. I fully regret the entire evening and am off the drink because I drove buzzed.
I never told them at the hospital last time when I was mixed mood that I hear my own inner voice, but it's like it's in the room. I told a prior therapist that before and he said that we all hear it that way. Mine is telling me to end it, over and over and louder every time. It's so loud right now I've got the TV full volume and it's louder than that. I refuse to fulfill its orders, but what do I do?
I don't think hearing myself screaming "end it!" in my head is ok and I'm not going to drive anything again until I've gotten stable. This takes away my exercise time, which is very important to me. I like yoga better than sex, but I can't be driving like this. I also keep hearing flashes of conversations I've had with those people I yesterday called friends, loudly

You might get some recommendations to go in patient; I’ve never been.

I’ve been able to control mania with Olanzapine when I need it, even a very bad high once when the pdoc called it in. Seroquel doesn’t work well on me, other than to make me sleep

Do you have something you can take as needed??

[NatsukiKuga]

Jesus. My first piece of advice is to get to an ER before anyone gets hurt. If you can't drive safely, get a ride.

I deal with mania using Risperdal. My manias are usually the kind where I go to a bar, drink some tequila as an excuse, and pick fights. Risperdal knocks that right down. It doesn't make me a mellow fellow, but it does make me a sensible dude.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by key tones

You might get some recommendations to go in patient; I’ve never been.

I’ve been able to control mania with Olanzapine when I need it, even a very bad high once when the pdoc called it in. Seroquel doesn’t work well on me, other than to make me sleep

Do you have something you can take as needed??

Nope no as needed.
Sleep would be good. Just some damn sleep

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Nope no as needed.
Sleep would be good. Just some damn sleep

Actually I did just fade off for about 10 minutes and all it did was give me nightmares

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by NatsukiKuga

Jesus. My first piece of advice is to get to an ER before anyone gets hurt. If you can't drive safely, get a ride.

I deal with mania using Risperdal. My manias are usually the kind where I go to a bar, drink some tequila as an excuse, and pick fights. Risperdal knocks that right down. It doesn't make me a mellow fellow, but it does make me a sensible dude.

I can't afford another inpatient bill ever. I owe two already and am barely paying on those. I can't afford to look poor I've got so little.
I'm feeling it all just keep speeding up no matter what I do. I have to get it under control. I'm supposed to be helping some people today and tomorrow. I didn't go today but I don't have a choice about tomorrow. I'm the only one that can fix this efficiently. I can do it in one day free but they'll have to find and hire a contractor, wait for it to get done, get it inspected. That's all money and time they don't have. That could be thousands of dollars

Ok, I was in the midst of suggesting getting a ride to the ER when I saw your no ER response...
Can you contact your Pdoc wherein she could call something in to the pharmacy (hopefully right away) to help damp this down till you can get in to see her?

[NatsukiKuga]

Or how about one of those Urgent Care places? they can prescribe.

Or even a Walgreen's that has a walk -in clinic?

[SorryShaped]

I have very strong plant medicine that always knocks me out, m.Hirsuta. if it's not touching this with a full teaspoon of it when usually it's 1/8 that then not much will.
My first inpatient years ago, they spent three days pumping me full of stuff one after another to help me rest and it didn't do anything. I know this feeling and it just consumes like hot fire until my whole body feels like I'm burning. It's adrenaline, pure and simple, in full flow and there's not an off switch sometimes. It seems like it feeds itself inside me. It makes me more aware more angry and aggressive but I'm not ever a physically violent person. Nobody will get hurt here, no one else ever does. I'm not going to hurt myself, I'll just sit in the corner under the desk and scream into this pillow some more because it really physically hurts when it's like this.
The asshole that told a drunk person drive waited until after 2:30 PM to check-in. He and I are done

[SorryShaped]

There's nobody here but I don't want to be alone right now

[SorryShaped]

I just took the hirsuta, took double my Seroquel as I've been told is an "emergency" use and did pushups for 15 minutes until everything feels like it's burning down now instead of up. I know that doesn't make sense

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I just took the hirsuta, took double my Seroquel as I've been told is an "emergency" use and did pushups for 15 minutes until everything feels like it's burning down now instead of up. I know that doesn't make sense

I slept 12 hours! I feel more ok now, but a little jittery anyway, like from too much coffee. My inner voice isn't screaming and I was able to meditate for around 20 minutes with complete relaxation. I think I might have a different condition that affects my manic symptoms or something. I read there's adrenaline disorders that cause your body to keep releasing it though you don't "need" it. That's exactly what that felt like and does feel like at times, everything gets cranked to max then just keeps getting turned up anyway. Totally wrecks my insides when it does that too. Physically ill this morning, like the flu, just from the hard crash.
Time to start working out anyway

[Sunflower123]

I’m glad you’re feeling a little bit better. I hope you continue to improve.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I’m glad you’re feeling a little bit better. I hope you continue to improve.

Thank you. I'm still not right. I have serious paranoia going on after being up a while. I was talking to Mom and realized it then when I kept thinking "she's going to have you arrested for driving that way" over and over even though I know she has no idea about it and I'm not telling her.
I'm still thinking nobody wants or needs me, and it does feel that way. Loneliness physically hurts. I'm too much of a mess to ever be worth having anyway. That's part of why I only have sex with that one woman at the gym and didn't exchange names until after the sixth time. I wish I didn't know, because it's the same name as an ex-friend that I thought I wanted to be with, but was just terribly infatuated with a terrible narcissist the whole time. I guess I was looking to belittle myself again to please another. As I did in marriage. I'm so tired still.
I'm not working out yet, back to sleep