[JanusunaJ]

Earlier this morning I started reading up on hypomania and depression. I hadn't read anything about detailed bipolar symptoms in about five years resulting in a forgotten clarity of the disease. But, now, after having read over a descriptive commentary, I find myself in an almost, if not emergent, quiet, questioningly quickening, desperation. I cannot remember my life! I try to find points in my life that align with BP symptoms, and there are suggestive moments, but I cannot give substance to them because I can't recall the full details of those experiences.

It's like my past is a world in undiluted blackness, where I can only briefly, abjectly so, and sparsely shine a light on its events while the Demogorgon pursues me; just illuminating enough to indicate something, "movement"; seeing, possibly quieting, abstruse and apocryphal ripples on a water's surface. But, then there are thoughts of "I know this," "I remember...," or "I recall that time..."

It is apparent that I've experienced mild and moderate and severe, maybe even psychotic, states of depression. I "remember" the ostensibly ambiguous elevated moods, a questionable abnormal normal -- the charisma, sleep disturbances, agitation, decision fatigue, nuclear meltdowns resultant of ambivalence and catastrophically frustrating bouts of boredom or ennui, engendered passion and indomitable drive, the starting and not completing; but those are from the past, doubtful -- some more so concrete while others are decidedly plastic -- sublimations and remembrances of memories of reverberations, lost in translation, from irregular, two dimensional modulations between my early childhood and mid-to-late twenties. Since the summer of 2014, though, it seems I've been only floating haphazardly from mild to crippling and/or suicidal depression. I can't remember a single moment of "good" since that summer.

There's this entirely defeating and exhausting gravity between recognition, doubt, cognizance, acceptance, and rejection.

I really want "this" to be over. I have no idea how to find my way out; I have no compass and there are no stars.

[bioChE]

"I have no compass and there are no stars."

Beautifully put. There are times these days when I feel the same way. I have very little recollection of my decades on this planet, especially since starting bipolar meds twenty years ago. Since I can't recall past mistakes, it seems I'm doomed to repeat them. I've made the same mistake over and over again, and always find myself going for the short-term fix rather than the longer-term stability. I always seek change, in whatever form that may take.

Madness it is, and I have to believe that madness it will be. That's not a statement of despair, but one of fact based on past experience.

Mania is my friend and depression is my enemy. It's not that I want to be full-blown manic, but I want to experience the emotional highs I used to get out of life before the meds stole them away. I never experience joy anymore, the best I can hope for is contentment.....and even that is elusive and fleeting.

People without the disorder get to experience a full range of emotions - I feel blunted both high and low. Doctors try to tell me this is "normal," but I don't buy it. Someday I want to be on a minimal amount of meds; enough to ward off the crushing depressions that steal my soul, enough to keep my mania from making me think I can fly if I jump from a church steeple.....but I want to be able to feel high and low. I want to be able to laugh and to cry; neither of which I can do now.

I want to live.

[UpDownAround]

I have a recurring emotional memory that is just that - emotions. I sort of remember places but that's vague and no people. I have this one of a sandy dirt road that I think is from the FL Gulf Coast because we went there so much when I was very young, but I am no positive. The sun is out, it is pretty intensely hot and I am incredibly happy and it doesn't feel fleeting; it's being loved, taken care of, content and enjoying everything. One of my escapes is sitting back in my zero gravity chair in the hot sun (with sun bloc or shaded if it is hot enough), closing my eyes, having the sandy dirt road rise up in front of me and the emotions wash over me. Sometimes I lay there an hour or so.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by bioChE

Mania is my friend and depression is my enemy. It's not that I want to be full-blown manic, but I want to experience the emotional highs I used to get out of life before the meds stole them away. I never experience joy anymore, the best I can hope for is contentment.....and even that is elusive and fleeting.

People without the disorder get to experience a full range of emotions - I feel blunted both high and low. Doctors try to tell me this is "normal," but I don't buy it.

I want to live.

Exactly. I was talking about a similar idea a couple of years ago. At that time, even now in truth, I would've welcomed, for me at least, an extended influx of hypomania. There would have been the inevitable crash, no doubt. But, I feel like that elevated respite would've been worth it. As then and as now, I like you, don't or can't feel and haven't felt joy in any memorable fashion in quite a while. I'd once even stated a similar sentiment regarding contentment. Being simply content seems so dull to me, but exuberance or passion, specifically that rare fire, are states of entirely more rich colors.

I don't really know how to exist or see the world without that flame. Being without it is alien. I suppose I have to learn, but it's like being forced to learn to be someone else.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by UpDownAround

I have a recurring emotional memory that is just that - emotions.

I have the same experience quite often. Prior to coming to that realization, I'd only really thought about a previous experience, but I recently went to write about it only to find that I couldn't remember any details. The thoughts or emotions, whatever they are, were and are rather invasive and it's so perplexing to experience the effect without the cause.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

Exactly. I was talking about a similar idea a couple of years ago. At that time, even now in truth, I would've welcomed, for me at least, an extended influx of hypomania. There would have been the inevitable crash, no doubt. But, I feel like that elevated respite would've been worth it. As then and as now, I like you, don't or can't feel and haven't felt joy in any memorable fashion in quite a while. I'd once even stated a similar sentiment regarding contentment. Being simply content seems so dull to me, but exuberance or passion, specifically that rare fire, are states of entirely more rich colors.

I don't really know how to exist or see the world without that flame. Being without it is alien. I suppose I have to learn, but it's like being forced to learn to be someone else.

Extended hypomania is a double edged sword. I am at 6 weeks and counting. I am not getting better at filtering, I am getting sloppier because the inappropriate thoughts seem more normal every day. It is mostly low grade with some spikes. Feeling slightly buzzed every time I change activities gets old (I think that is a mix of straterra laser focus and hypomania; I zero in and shut everything else out and when I look up I get a rush that takes a few minutes to dissipate).

I am feeling more emotions, though. My pdoc kind of chuckled at me when I asked if maybe I was having low key rapid cycling. Something had happened that was normal to be sad and frustrated about but I was still crushing it at work and going bike riding and fishing; not stuff I do when depressed. that memory I talked about before seems more vibrant.

So I do like the pros of the long low grade hypo state more than the cons, but there are both. One thing that is both is I am expansive; I cannot shut up about myself, my feelings, my history, etc and it's like I have been injected with truth serum. I have outed myself to more people in the last 6 weeks than in the 23 years (length of time since first BP diagnosis) before.

[JanusunaJ]

Originally Posted by UpDownAround

I think that is a mix of straterra laser focus and hypomania; I zero in and shut everything else out and when I look up I get a rush that takes a few minutes to dissipate).

I really miss that laser focus; it was a defining characteristic for years. I used to be able to sit for hour upon hour working on projects. I could leave for school or work early in the morning and be busy throughout the day then come home and study, write, read, or practice until I went to sleep later that night. I could do this for weeks, even months. It was kind of an intoxicating and joyous experience for me.

Then there is the social aspect fostered by my hypomania; it was very easy for me to talk with people and make friends; not all the time, but very frequently.

I was a work hard, play hard type of guy.

I suppose hypomania(and depression) wasn't debilitating for me between the end of high school and my mid-twenties. Then I hit 25-26 and the rapid-cycling and/or mixed episodes took control and ended my life as I knew it.

Like you, I am hyper-concerned about mood changes, even if they're healthy or relatively minor.

[UpDownAround]

I remembered another con or two with hypomania on the way home. I have hyperacusis and it flares with hypomania. I have an AC in the car that uses a thermostat and I like to let it do its thing; when it's hot that's full blast with the fan. White noise doesn't bother me when it is loud, but music does. So I can't turn up the music loud enough to hear it over the AC. I could just turn the fan down, right? Leaving the AC with a temp set and letting it control the fan is one of my stupid little compulsions and I get a little obsessed about my compulsions when I am hypomanic. The fan doesn't get turned down.

The trade-off is still worth it to me. I would rather be slightly up than slightly down.

[north-polar-coaster]

Originally Posted by QuixoticDeLaEternal

There's this entirely defeating and exhausting gravity between recognition, doubt, cognizance, acceptance, and rejection.

I really want "this" to be over. I have no idea how to find my way out; I have no compass and there are no stars.

You basically nailed exactly how I feel about being on the bipolarcoaster. Damn, well said.

Try to hang in there man. It's a rough ride, but "this too shall pass".