[Aliceiw]

Hello all, I’m new to this forum but I’d like to share a bit.

Background: I’m bipolar type 2 with psychotic features (I know it sounds like it wouldn’t make sense but that’s what I was given).

I have been pretty stable for a couple years now. I usually catch episodes early and treat them appropriately. I have narrowed down specific red flags and times of year that I typically have problems. I see a therapist and a psychiatrist as needed. I had a really bad episode a couple years back and I am still a little traumatized. I have never had psychotic symptoms before this episode. I nearly lost touch with everything but somehow I stayed out of a hospital. I was seeing things and having major delusions. I thought I could see the dead and I also thought that they were coming for me in my dreams. I would have violent nightmares nearly every night. I was scared to walk down the street, scared of my house, scared to sleep because even in my dreams I saw things that weren’t real. This lasted for a month and a half before treatment intervened and put an end to it. I still have anxiety when I see or experience any of my psychotic red flags. Does anyone else have almost PTSD at the thought of psychosis coming? I realize for most people psychosis is generally found in mania and mania feels good so maybe this will be hard for anyone to relate to. If anyone does know what I’m feeling, what do you do? The fear grips me and I almost can’t breathe. I cry and I cry when I realize how crazy I thought or acted. It’s an afterthought, a reality check and a panic. I recently had an event happen that really scared me in reflection afterward. I walked into my bathroom and my necklaces hung on the wall started swaying. This was likely because of the heater on the ceiling but at the time I felt like it was a sign. I have a specific necklace that has my departed grandpa’s ashes blown into the glass. This necklace appeared to sway the most. I asked aloud, “What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.” As if the necklace would tell me (I get that it’s ridiculous). I got worried that something was wrong with my grandma and I even went as far as to text her that I loved her. Then later it hit me how terribly far crazy that all was. I cried and cried and shook with fear. It has been three years since my last major psychosis. I had spoken with my psychiatrist literally two weeks previously preparing him that spring is usually a very bad time of year for me (he’s a fairly new psychiatrist). He told me if ever the need I can increase my antipsychotic. So I’ve done that, not to the full dose but half a pill up. I haven’t had any other super crazy symptoms yet but something still doesn’t seem right. I meet with my counselor next week (luckily I had already set this up in advance because they book up quickly). It’s so early this year I’m caught off guard. I expected to be vigilant in spring not late fall. I’m so anxious all the time. It doesn’t help that this year has been incredibly stressful. My mom started having major health issues, I work and go to school, and I commute. My brother is in a mental hospital right now and this is like the third one in a random state in the past few months. My body is being hit pretty hard, I’ve been stable but my hair started to thin from stress. I am just trying to focus on prevention and trying to compartmentalize all of my life chaos. I just really can’t afford to lose touch with reality. I’ve made a lot of progress with my stability, in my personal life and my personal growth even my career. I just don’t want it to get thrown in the garbage and have to pick up all the pieces again. I’m not sure I could take it. I think I just need some reassurance, or if you understand my fear and anxiety how do you cope?

End rant.

[Teddy Bear]

I don't have any good advice for you but welcome to PC

[Aliceiw]

Thank you for your welcome!

It's alright if you don't have suggestions, I realize it's a really specific situation but I appreciate your sentiments.

I hope all is well for you.

[wildflowerchild25]

that sounds so upsetting! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had my first episode of natural (not med induced) psychosis in spring of 2014 and it was terrifying. I started with a feeling that my brain was splitting itself in two and ended with the idea that some unknown person was trying to kill me by getting me to kill myself by implanting the thoughts in my head. I also believed people could read my mind and was terrified to leave the house. It only lasted about two weeks because I was already seeing my dr and therapist frequently due to a preceding depression. Since then I have been strict about adhering to the treatment plan laid out for me. I’ve had some bad depressive episodes that required ECT but no psychosis, until recently. About a month ago I went down the rabbit hole again and went off on the whole brains splitting/something outside me is trying to kill me by implanting thoughts spiel. I was promptly hospitalized.

I think the best thing you can do is just keep your pdoc informed of everything. If you’re allowed to increase your AP then do that. Also, practice grounding exercises.

I’ve lost my concentration so I’ll have to end here, I’m sorry.

Welcome to pc!

[Sunflower123]

I have no experience with this but it sounds terrifying. I wanted to say hello and welcome you to PC. There are many caring, supportive people here.

[tecomsin]

Hi Aliceiw,

Yes I also feel traumatized by my psychoses and fear of the next one. I think you have more insight into your current state and how to deal with it than I have so I can't really give you advice, just let you know you are not alone. Probably all the other stressors you identified are contributing also to your anxiety.

You sound pro-active in dealing with your mental state show that should put you in a good position to deal with whatever lies ahead.

[Sanctum]

It's good to meet you Alice. That's my diagnosis as well. I don't have very major psychosis but it's definitely enough to scare me. Especially the horrible voice... can voices be abusive? Mine sure is. It's had me break down shaking and crying many times. According to my pdoc much of the psychosis is stress-induced, because I told him I'm often feeling tense and anxious before it comes. If that's the case with you are there things you can do to reduce your stress? Hard when a good part of it comes from the thought of the psychosis itself!

[Aliceiw]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

that sounds so upsetting! I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had my first episode of natural (not med induced) psychosis in spring of 2014 and it was terrifying. I started with a feeling that my brain was splitting itself in two and ended with the idea that some unknown person was trying to kill me by getting me to kill myself by implanting the thoughts in my head. I also believed people could read my mind and was terrified to leave the house. It only lasted about two weeks because I was already seeing my dr and therapist frequently due to a preceding depression. Since then I have been strict about adhering to the treatment plan laid out for me. I’ve had some bad depressive episodes that required ECT but no psychosis, until recently. About a month ago I went down the rabbit hole again and went off on the whole brains splitting/something outside me is trying to kill me by implanting thoughts spiel. I was promptly hospitalized.

I think the best thing you can do is just keep your pdoc informed of everything. If you’re allowed to increase your AP then do that. Also, practice grounding exercises.

I’ve lost my concentration so I’ll have to end here, I’m sorry.

Welcome to pc!

Thank you for your input! I hadn't even known there is such a thing as grounding techniques. It makes sense and I will be looking into it.

[Aliceiw]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

I have no experience with this but it sounds terrifying. I wanted to say hello and welcome you to PC. There are many caring, supportive people here.

Thank you so much for you words of support. It was definitely the scariest time in my life. There's this one dream that still to this day chills me to the bones. I had saw a hallucination of a man one day and he seemed to not see me, just walk past me and he was dressed just like anyone you might see. I thought I avoided him and I hid. The only way I knew he wasn't real was that I could vaguely see through him. That night I had a dream of him in piercing detail with clear blue eyes laughing and he looked straight at me and said with a sinister smile, "You can't hide from us because we're in here" I woke up screaming.

[~Christina]

I’m sorry you had to go through with psychosis it’s terrifying.

I know for myself personally when I have an episode it changes me somehow.

I use to obsess over the “ when will it next happen?”

I worked in Therapy to realize I just need to be self aware of any shift in mood and be proactive.

Welcome to PC