[Beautifulmadness78]

I am 39, mom of 2. I cannot hold a job. I have bipolar 2, anxiety and panic attacks . Some days I can’t leave the house. I feel like a failure .

Current meds -
Lamictal
Klonopin
Xanax
Adderall
Wellbutrin

[tsrc78]

I feel like I am a failure everyday, I know how much it hurts.

But I make it extra hard on myself because I went to a prestigious high school, a prestigious university, was in a Ph.D. program for 2 years. Then I left for financial reasons, mental instability from two miscarriages, and I was suddenly out of research assistantship because my mentor left the university and took her 5 year research project with her.

Now the majority of my Facebook friends are physicians, psychiatrists, surgeons, scientists, professors, nurses, psychologists (I was in a school psychology Ph.D program), lawyers, in high levels of business, etc. I'm not saying it's not nice to go to a high school hallmate for a recommendation for a psychiatrist at Duke or talk to my senior year prom date about the psychotropic genetic testing I had done....but boy, does it make me feel inadequate. Even people I worked with over 13 years of doing various forms of developmental testing for young kids with suspected disabilities are going through the same stressors I went through as most state employees, overworked and underpaid, yet they still manage to have jobs.

I make it SO much harder on myself because I compare myself to other people, when other people don't suffer from the level of bipolar I do, if bipolar at all. If you are going through that, PLEASE do not compare yourself to others, it is not fair to you, though I wish I could take my own advice!

I haven't worked since my second hospitalization in April 2016 and officially went on long term disability through my state government employment in December 2016. I have to apply for social security disability to remain on state employment disability, so I'm in the process of doing that.

I'm "kinda" working now, trying to get a travel agency business off the ground for my husband and I, after he got phased out of his job. So now we only survive off of my disability. The problem is because I am the "planner" and he is the "doer", my job has been to get our business off the ground through setting up our host agency, business license, developing websites, developing marketing strategies, managing social media pages and a blog. It does sound like a lot of work, because it is! Way too much work. I was able to ride a manic high for a couple of months to come up with brilliant ideas for the business, when I didn't get a lot of sleep. But about a month ago I crashed, hard, into a major depressive episode and I have been useless with our business, I can't focus or have the motivation to get any real work done.

The problem is that if I can't get it together to finish developing our foundation and marketing (mind you neither one of us had experience in this so we've spent a lot of time doing marketing training) my husband will NEVER get to handle all the clients if no one knows who we are and won't find us! That is all on me, it causes me more stress, and makes me realized I've been useless at that too. I do think I can do "some" work with our business, but this has been a terrible experience because it is yet one more limitation I have, I can't even develop a home-based business, from the comfort of a couch in my living room, without having serious limitations. Adds to more depression. Fortunately he is working on getting online training for another job path, that can still help our business, but I know he is doing that because of what I may or may not be able to get done, and that makes me feel guilty.

The point is, you are NOT a failure. You have a lot going on, and it's not fair to call yourself a failure. When I call myself a failure, my husband tells me I am not, I have just not accepted that my bipolar disorder puts limitations on what I do. Maybe if I can get stable (I haven't been stable in almost 3 years) I will have less limitations, but the severity of my disorder means I will likely always have some small limitations. And that is hard to accept, but I know my husband is right. He understands my illness better than I do.

I have 2 kids, you have 2 kids - you are functioning. I may not be able to do as much for them as I like (again, I have too high of expectations for myself) but I am still their mom. I still get the bowls out of the cabinet for their cereal in the morning - sometimes I cook, but that is rare, and that's okay. I pick them up from school, take them to activities, ask them about school and their activities, kiss and hug them before they go to bed at night. Most days that's all I can do. But I can do it, so I am NOT a failure. And there are small things you do everyday, that you may not realize (maybe getting up and putting on clothes instead of pajamas, making your own meal) that do not make you a failure. I spend too much time defining whether I am a failure based on comparing myself to the education and employment of others and that's not fair. You were able to get online and reach out to others - just that makes you not a failure, because so many people can't even do that.

There is a quote by Carrie Fisher I used to have on the wall in our old place that I need to put up here, my favorite bipolar quote of all: "At times being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you are living with this illness and functioning at all, it is something to be proud of, not ashamed of". I cry every time I read that, especially now she is gone, because I am ashamed of myself for not accomplishing what I feel is a simple task: working. But I have to stop doing that. I need to celebrate my functioning and not feel shame for my difficulties.

Sorry this is SO LONG, but I literally feel like this every single day since I was stopped officially working after my hospitalization April 2016. I understand this so much and it plagues me everyday. But I also know I need to stop being so hard on myself and I hope you can too. Many hugs to you.

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I’m glad you’re here. I am 50, the mother of a college freshman and I can’t hold a job right now due to my illness. I sincerely hope that changes because I loved my career. I don’t think you are a failure. Some days I can’t leave the house either. Do you want to talk about it?

[Beautifulmadness78]

Thank you for the response. I also went to college , I have 2 degrees. Ive had over 50 jobs in my life. My illness has made me so unreliable as i don't know how i will feel when i wake each morning, not to mention able to get dressed and leave the house. I do get up at 6 with my boys and cook breakfast, get them on the bus. Then usually just to go back to sleep because i'm still groggy from the meds i take a bedtime. I don't know, every day i feel lost. I got disability when i was only 28. Im a single mom , live in low income housing. what sucks the most is my 17 year old son always says mom why can't you go to work like all my friends moms and then we could actually have a real house and not an apartment ? Or he will say why are you so lazy ? ugh, if only he understood. Its hard to explain to a 17 year old boy who thinks his mom is crazy....i have to go for now , shower and do a 2 hour shift , that i dread but i must do it. Christmas is coming. It's pretty sad that most people work 40 hours a week and i have all i can do to work a 2 hour shift helping and elderly lady with personal care once or twice a week. To the other lady who replied, I'll get back to you as i don't have time right now. Thank you both for responding and understanding.

[99fairies]

I don't work either. I'm a mother of 3 and I'm 38. I love staying home with my kids. The work force scares the life out of me.

[251turnaround]

I'm 23 and haven't been able to hold down a job in over three years. It sucks because I was near the top of my class when I was in a network engineering program at college. There was a class I was taking that was supposed to get me a job, but after crashing into depression I ended up dropping it because I couldn't keep up.

I have no idea how I'm going to live on my own. And that time is coming at some point. I don't know what I'm going to do then.

[richeyd80]

I quit my job to go back to school. My job was stressful and couldn't handle it.

[raspberrytorte]

I don't work either and have a six year old daughter. I don't feel like a failure. I gave working my best shot, and it ended in disaster.

[wing]

I don’t know how to reply without having every quote repeated, but i will say all of these replies have made me feel a kinship I haven’t had before. My doctor was the one who suggested disability after i had numerous dangerous episodes at work (i was a nurse and thankfully no one was hurt). My coworkers banded together and demanded my boss fire me.

My career was a huge part of my self-worth, self-image, self-everything. I cried all the time about losing everything i worked so hard for and a career I loved. The day I gave up my license was tremendously traumatic.

I want to say that life will never be the same but you can still work a little on disability in some states. You can look into that. Otherwise, be prepared for a mourning period like any other loss, but like losing anything or -one else, the pain lessens as you accept it. And it took me a long time with a long bout of depression. Work with your doctor about it. If you can afford it, therapy would help. I couldn’t afford it, tried to “do it on my own because I’m tough”. That is probably why it took so long to gain perspective .

My bipolar is so severe I saw the wisdom in my doctor’s advice, but it still hurts, and i still feel like a failure...but it is not a character flaw. It is like anything else I attempt that doesn’t turn out right...an opportunity to believe I can find hope in something new, in a change, in an opportunity for growth.

I’m still working hard at looking at it this way.

[tsrc78]

Originally Posted by wing

I don’t know how to reply without having every quote repeated, but i will say all of these replies have made me feel a kinship I haven’t had before. My doctor was the one who suggested disability after i had numerous dangerous episodes at work (i was a nurse and thankfully no one was hurt). My coworkers banded together and demanded my boss fire me.

My career was a huge part of my self-worth, self-image, self-everything. I cried all the time about losing everything i worked so hard for and a career I loved. The day I gave up my license was tremendously traumatic.

I want to say that life will never be the same but you can still work a little on disability in some states. You can look into that. Otherwise, be prepared for a mourning period like any other loss, but like losing anything or -one else, the pain lessens as you accept it. And it took me a long time with a long bout of depression. Work with your doctor about it. If you can afford it, therapy would help. I couldn’t afford it, tried to “do it on my own because I’m tough”. That is probably why it took so long to gain perspective .

My bipolar is so severe I saw the wisdom in my doctor’s advice, but it still hurts, and i still feel like a failure...but it is not a character flaw. It is like anything else I attempt that doesn’t turn out right...an opportunity to believe I can find hope in something new, in a change, in an opportunity for growth.

I’m still working hard at looking at it this way.

I feel like I could have written this myself. My whole self-esteem centered on my educational and work accomplishments. Why until I stopped working my biggest failure was leaving my Ph.D. program, even though it was not for academic reasons. I still feel the loss of not being able to work full time. And though I appreciate my therapist being positive, I don't think I'll ever be able to go back to school full time, ever work full time. After I was hospitalized in October 2015, I went back to work part time, against my pdoc's advice. Then I couldn't handle the stress and hospitalized in April 2016. I know I can do something worthwhile, but I have to understand my limits to keep my illness from going downhill again. It really is a loss, others don't understand, but I'm glad some of us understand.

[Travelinglady]

No work--had to quit teaching because of the side effects of my meds and then went on disability because of bipolar and fibromyalgia

[tsrc78]

Originally Posted by Beautifulmadness78

Thank you for the response. I also went to college , I have 2 degrees. Ive had over 50 jobs in my life. My illness has made me so unreliable as i don't know how i will feel when i wake each morning, not to mention able to get dressed and leave the house. I do get up at 6 with my boys and cook breakfast, get them on the bus. Then usually just to go back to sleep because i'm still groggy from the meds i take a bedtime. I don't know, every day i feel lost. I got disability when i was only 28. Im a single mom , live in low income housing. what sucks the most is my 17 year old son always says mom why can't you go to work like all my friends moms and then we could actually have a real house and not an apartment ? Or he will say why are you so lazy ? ugh, if only he understood. Its hard to explain to a 17 year old boy who thinks his mom is crazy....i have to go for now , shower and do a 2 hour shift , that i dread but i must do it. Christmas is coming. It's pretty sad that most people work 40 hours a week and i have all i can do to work a 2 hour shift helping and elderly lady with personal care once or twice a week. To the other lady who replied, I'll get back to you as i don't have time right now. Thank you both for responding and understanding.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this now, it's a especially hard when you wish your kids could understand. But there is no way they can. . Maybe over time, as he gets older, he will learn to understand more.

I have to sometimes remind myself that this is no different from being confined to a wheelchair. You still can do things in your life, with limitations, but no one can "see" our disability, which makes it so much easier to be misunderstood.

Do you have rapid cycling? It's so hard to plan anything when you don't know how you will be from one minute to the other. That gets me too, how unreliable I am, which is why I don't know if I am truly capable of working outside the home. I am frustrated that my rapid cycling can't get under control. I have gone from upbeat, to anger, to crying endlessly in the course of the last 6 hours. And at the moment I'm actually coherent. But sad. Sad that we all have to go through these things. I wish I knew how to help, but I do understand.

[Sunflower123]

Originally Posted by Beautifulmadness78

Thank you for the response. I also went to college , I have 2 degrees. Ive had over 50 jobs in my life. My illness has made me so unreliable as i don't know how i will feel when i wake each morning, not to mention able to get dressed and leave the house. I do get up at 6 with my boys and cook breakfast, get them on the bus. Then usually just to go back to sleep because i'm still groggy from the meds i take a bedtime. I don't know, every day i feel lost. I got disability when i was only 28. Im a single mom , live in low income housing. what sucks the most is my 17 year old son always says mom why can't you go to work like all my friends moms and then we could actually have a real house and not an apartment ? Or he will say why are you so lazy ? ugh, if only he understood. Its hard to explain to a 17 year old boy who thinks his mom is crazy....i have to go for now , shower and do a 2 hour shift , that i dread but i must do it. Christmas is coming. It's pretty sad that most people work 40 hours a week and i have all i can do to work a 2 hour shift helping and elderly lady with personal care once or twice a week. To the other lady who replied, I'll get back to you as i don't have time right now. Thank you both for responding and understanding.

You’re raising your children and it’s not easy doing that as a single mom with a mental illness. I think it’s great that you’re getting ready and working outside the house. You have some really good achievements. Congratulations on that.

[Victoria'smom]

I'm on disability and my husband's unable to work. I completely understand the feeling.

[Guiness187055]

I am unable to work at this time.

I'm right there with you. I am an adult. I am 26. I am a professional. All within this last lapse I had to drop out of my PhD program, went insane and totaled my car, self-medicated with alcohol, and got suspended from my teaching position for a month. I feel like I worked so hard to show everyone I am normal and I can handle all this, to show them I can't. I fail at life. I know the feeling and I'm so sorry you have to go through it. You seem like a wonderful person.

I go through phrases of accepting my life on disability, and showing anger that it seems to never end. I've been on SSDI for about 8 years now. Prior to that I was on STD and then LTD for much of 4 years, with only brief attempts to return to my old job on a part-time basis and then once for a little while full-time. It became clear that I would continue to have mood episodes that prevented me from being successful at a job. That's why I applied for SSDI.

During these past 8 years I've tried volunteering, but it would end because of a mood episode. For a little while I took one online college course at a time (failed at in-person courses) and succeeded, but then I was unable to take more. I've wanted to accumulate enough stable time to try volunteering again, but haven't yet managed. My husband, pdoc and tdoc want me to try the volunteering, because starting first with work is risky. If I were to lose my SSDI and then become unable to work again it could be devastating to my husband's and my life. I feel trapped on disability by my illness and also because of people's fear and lack of confidence in my ability to make a go of things again. I have that fear and lack of confidence, too at times.

I do try at times to tell myself that I will work again, but I do grieve what I "could have had" if my illness never got so bad 12 years ago. When I get angry I yell in my pdoc's office that I would surely have been "Director of Communications" or higher at this time. I bring up how my boss (the President & CEO of my old company) told my husband that they "had big plans for me", and that all I had to do was get well and they looked forward to seeing me back.

A couple of years back I became manic and decided I was going to reapply for a job at my old company. Well, when manic, your correspondence doesn't always lure them to bring you back, because you clearly come off as still being quite sick. Bridges get burned again and again. I start to wonder how I will ever manage to find a place that would hire me with my track record. People I thought would be good references are no longer options.

I believe when and if the time comes that I work again, it's got to be a different kind of job, and one that offers a lot of flexibility, tolerance, and accommodations. That may sound pessimistic, but I've grown pessimistic.

[BipolaRNurse]

I am on disability and have been for almost three years. I haven't held a job since early 2014 and before that I held roughly 13 jobs in 15 years. I miss being a nurse and making good money; I miss my house and my car and my social status. But I have forced myself to accept the limitations imposed by my illness, and I've actually begun to adjust to and even enjoy life as a widow who lives with her son and family. I have my own space and I get to travel with them yearly. It's not a bad life...it's just different.

[Jensitive22]

I haven’t worked since 2014. I was a teacher for nine years at my last job. I had a meltdown over some last minute changes to my job assignment and I quit. I have and am struggling with the trauma and grief. I struggle with the guilt of not getting back to work. I don’t qualify for SSDI as I have not paid into social security since 2005 and even then it was not the required 20/quarters. My husband earns too much on paper for me to qualify for SSI. Besides all that, I have not actually pursued a definitive statement from a doctor/psych that deems me “disabled”. The word malingerer whispers and weaves itself through my depression, anxiety, and fear. It makes me feel as if I have no right to happiness, peace or security. I feel like I am in limbo and there is only one exit sign.

[winter loneliness]

I used to work. Then I stopped to have kids, then I got MS and bipolar. I never went back to work.

[Carmina]

Isn't being a mum of 2 also work? I do realise the importance of having a career but don't undervalue what you already do, you are managing something that is not easy.

[WildcatVet]

Well, Beautiful, you're not alone...I've been on disability for years now because I don't think I could hold down a job. I haven't even tried because I also have anxiety and agorophobia so bad I can barely bring myself to leave the house...
I don't think of myself as a failure very much...I didn't ask to be sick....

[zbmom]

I am having to cut back to half time. I'm on medical leave right now while I stabilize.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I fought as hard as I could to work for 10 years. At that point I couldn't do it anymore. I've been on SSDI since. I still miss working nearly every day but I just can't do it.

I don't work.

to make myself feel less guilty about it, i've given myself the name:

professional coutch potato

I mean when you put it like that, it's a kind of job.... sorta?

or it sounds professional at least