Begging for help

Thank you guys. If all the messages I’m getting mean anything and I think they do, I must find a way to be of more worth to this world. I feel worthless......not from depression but because I am which makes me depressed. I need to find a way to be of value to this world. I must find my place in it......I must believe I have a place. I want to live and I must fight to be worthy of living. Thank you for your support......I hope I’m able to provide support in return again.

I’m glad you’re ok. (((((( Hugs ))))))

WE are just worried about you,
we care for you and want you to be safe.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I care

How are you doing this morning?

I, too, am just checking in on you this morning, hoping today is a better day for you.

Please don't worry if you don't have the space to sign in. We'll leave notes of support here for you.

Much love to you and to yours.

WC

So sorry you're going through this, Elsa. I do hope you'll be over this soon. Lots of hugs.

Thank you everyone.....you don’t know what your support means to me and how very much I appreciate each and everyone one of you and your words. I’m hanging in there. (((Hugs)))

It's great to hear that

I came very late to this thread. I'm glad your doing better Elsa.

Thinking of you, Elsa.

WC

sending good thoughts your way elsa!
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Just checking in to see how you are. ((((( Hugs )))))

I’m an emotional vampire and I play the victim. I feel like a victim, I can’t help it. I thought I was helping people.....I thought I was making a difference by sharing my experience.....I thought that here, unlike in my life, what I said could help others. I didn’t mean to be an emotional vampire.....I thought I was surrounded by them, not one of them. I’m sorry. I do t know how to fix this. I take responsibility......my sister in law is right and I do all of this to myself. I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person and I didn’t mean to take from people.....I thought I was giving back. I want to give back, I always have but I just make it all so much worse and I’m sorry. I love my husband and don’t want to lose him. I’ve tried to be a good wife, not some jezebelle.......I didn’t know what I was doing and I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Please......I am weak and feel so wounded by the world but I see now the staircase to hell I walked right up. I didn’t know. I thought I was logical and grounded most of the time but not once ever have I been. I thought I could make a difference here when I couldn’t make a difference anywhere else. I truly thought I was helping.

You have helped here. You always have such kind things to say to people. You are an important part of our group here. Elsa, you do matter.

Elsa - I’ve had some really dark, uncertain times and you were a big part of helping me through it. You were very supportive and so very helpful. You make a difference.

All the people I blamed and called emotional vampires and it was me all along. I didn’t know it was pride. I’m full of pride and I’m sorry. I just wanted to help, to be of use......for someone to be helped by what I have to say. I can’t help myself or my family but if I helped you beyond and Jennifer, I’m glad to know this. I do t want to dredge up the pain for you so I do t ask what I said or how I how, I’m just glad I did. I try to be of help. I’m afraid I’m not capable of what I need to do to stop all this torment. I’m not sure what torment is coming from inside and what from outside. I’m not sure of anything. I want to be more than I am. I don’t want to hurt anyone but I do and I have. I’m not a Jezebelle but I see now I’ve acted like one. I’m insecure and feel worthless because I should and I want so desperately to fix it but don’t know how. I want to wipe the slate clean. I want to apologize to everyone I’ve met or made feel uncomfortable with my oddities. I want to make people feel good about themselves.....to know there worth. I want to stop feeling worthless but that’s going to take a lot of work and I’m afraid I don’t have what is required. I don’t know what to do about my medication. I don’t know.

Just read this thread....I am so sorry that you are struggling.
From your posts, I see that you are really trying very hard. Please remember to be kind to yourself in the process.
There is no need to apologize! I empathize with you fully and understand that it could be very, very hard, having to battle with these feelings.
Sending you hugs.

Elsa, you are such a sweet person. You make people feel better just by being here!.

I agree that you should maybe read through this thread again. It's full of good advice from people who care.

Big hugs. Try to be kind to yourself.

Thank you Raven......I’m giving my all to end this but can’t. I’m doing better than I have in previous episodes however (I think) but it goes up and down. I’m trying hard to avoid reading threads right now as they seem to add to my issues so I’m sorry I cannot offer support to others right now.......I hope I improve and can give back again and these weird thoughts will go away so I can stay. I don’t want to leave but if all I can do is complain then I won’t. I’ve learned a lot and it hurts so bad but hopefully I can change things now. I really did not know I’m an azzhole.....I didn’t know or I’d have fixed it before. I really do need to apologize because I know I’ve said things which haven’t been supportive or created arguments where they didn’t exist and I’m sorry. I thought I was helping.

(((((( Elsa ))))))

I agree with Raven and purple, and I’ve always found you to be a sweet person. I’m always happy to see your posts, and you’ve helped me when I’ve posted here. I would like to wipe my slate clean from all the mistakes I’ve ever made but I can’t go back, wouldn’t want to. I know it’s not the same as everyone is so different but I just want you to know I care

You said how you want to make people feel good about themselves, to know their worth, that’s a great quality. (I try to do the same and I probably suck at it more often than not )

Dear ELsa,
I am sorry that you are feeling poorly.
Sorry that you are having an episode.
I haven't a clue why you keep apologizing, perhaps this feeds your episode?
I think you have done this to yourself before.
I wish you could see the beautiful woman that we see. You seem to be reaching out for help and we want to help you.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

I’m sorry I keep apologizing Bizi (sorry for another sorry).......I recently said things on here I shouldn’t have.....I don’t remember what or to whom, I just remember the emotions running high and me bring snippy and snarky for which I feel ashamed. I’ve apologized to several people in my life recently and need to write a few letters to a few more people. I feel very ashamed and need these people to know it was not a reflection of my best self. I want to be forgiven but will accept if I’m not. I know I’m doing all this to myself.....I can’t stop ruminating on negative stuff. My husband is not pleased with how my brain is obsessing and I’m trying to do better. I’ve reached out to my doctors for help and have some treatments lined up so hopefully I will get help with all this soon. Thank you for listening and reassuring me right now. It’s more than I could have hoped for. I’m sorry I’m so needy right now.....I can’t talk to my family about all this because it would upset them and they have enough of their own problems. There is so much I need to talk about but I will do so with my doctors and therapists. Thank you for your kind words everyone. (((Hugs)))

Elsa - I do hope you’ll talk to your pdoc and therapist only to achieve relief for yourself. Please be assured that on this thread anyway you have not been snippy or snarky even one time. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.

(((((((((Elsa))))))))) Few (daresay, none) of us always live up to our best selves. Especially when we've got BP and/or other MI to deal with(!) It's only human. You are being so very hard on yourself.

You are a valued member of this community.

We give help when we can, and accept help when we need it. BOTH sides are 100% OK. You've helped a TON. Please don't feel bad that you have hit a need patch. We ALL do.

We're all in this together. It's ok. It's why we're here.