[xRavenx]

I was shaking and shaking, now I am just numb. I don't expect anyone to read this all, but if you can skim it....

I just found out that someone that I was in a relationship with just died. Well, the in the last several months of his life, we were no longer in a serious relationship, but we still were intimate physically and emotionally and casually dated until the end. Well, technically in the past month, we had not gone on dates, only because he was in a financial crisis and had literally not a penny to his name nor a job/ran out of unemployment.

I had a bad feeling about him and just googled his name, since I have not heard from him since the beginning of August. Well, my intuition was right, because his Obituary just popped up. I just found this out literally an hour ago. I knew at the very end, he was struggling with alcohol dependence. He was also doing Xanax when he would get pills to self-medicate. Also, he was severely depressed, to the point where he felt that he was a monster and that his 8 year-old daughter no longer loved him, when she loved him very much. I continued to tell him that. He had suffered a very nasty separation and divorce. We had met just when he first separated nearly 2 years ago. I watched him self-destruct before my very eyes.

Over the course of the time I knew him, he said that the only people he cared about and who cared about him was his daughter and myself. He said this repeatedly.

Possible trigger:

I suspect it was suicide or an overdose. I strongly suspect suicide by overdosing.

Our last meeting and interaction was about 2.5 or 3 weeks prior to his death.
I did not show any anger towards him, but I had given him money, since he was desperate and asked. I am beyond devastated. I admit he had some narcissistic patterns, so at the very end, I was angered that I had not heard from him and thought he had taken my kindness for granted. I admit I had been angry about not hearing from him for a few months, when he was dead the whole time. I thought he had taken advantage of me. Now that I found out he has been dead these past few months, it totally changes my perspective. I know he cared about me now and that it was odd not to hear from him for 3 months. I wish I could have held him for the last time. I admit the very last time I talked to him, I tried to give him a little "push" in the right direction for a change, but in a sensitive way.

I am very upset his family never got in touch with me. I wonder if a certain text message made them wonder if I was responsible in some way, since I was drinking more during that time too, like as if I enabled him. We had co-dependent patterns, and I do feel guilty in that regard. I really wanted to be there at the funeral and want to know exactly what happened!!!!! I feel so left out and unimportant.
This is so horrible. I am supposed to be up early for work and don't know if I should call out. I can really use support, I am a wreck.

[JanusunaJ]

xRavenx,

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's terrible that you had to find out so long after his death; and by doing an internet search no less. It sounds like you two had a very special relationship. And a part of him, even when he felt himself to be a monster, knew that both you and his daughter still loved and cared for him. That light in the darkness, I'm sure was bright and even though he might not have seen it, I don't doubt that he felt its warmth.

My condolences for your loss.

[cmorales]

This sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to beat yourself up though. Even if you feel you were enabling him, the fact is, you aren't responsible for his death. You, I and a lot -- if not most -- people here know, I'm sure, that it would have probably happened regardless of your "enabling" him. Mental illness can be an unbelievably evil presence in us and no matter whether you were drinking regularly with him or abstaining and isolating yourself from him, the booze and the pills, etc., would have found a way to him if he was desperate enough. From the way you described how he cared for you and his daughter, and how you and her were the only ones who seemed to reciprocate, I highly doubt he would want you to think that you were somehow responsible. Death is never easy, especially when it occurs so seemingly randomly, and even more especially when it is someone so close.

Being mad at him for now giving you your money back (prior to learning of his passing) is completely understandable. It's nothing to worry yourself over. You're not the only person who would have reacted that way. That is actually a pretty normal way to react when you think someone has taken advantage of you and then opted to ditch you. You had no idea what had happened and, especially when people have financial problems (and speaking as one of them), the thought process which led you to think that way is just a natural response to dealing with those of us who are always having to "borrow" money from people because we can't seem to get our stuff together.

As for the family not telling you, that is messed up. He seems to have felt that his family didn't care too much for him and now suddenly they do? Even if they try to pin it on you, I'd argue that he would likely pin more of the burden on them. He seems to have felt abandoned by all but two people in his life -- and you were one of those two. One of the two who cared for him; one of the two he legitimately cared for. If anything, this should make you feel special. I'm a big proponent of the "buddy system" when it comes to mental health issues. Regardless of the illness, we all have a better understanding of each other than non-MI people have of us and us of them. As ugly as the end may have been for him, I bet he took some solace in you just being around -- even if it wasn't too often.

I wish he had been able to get the help he needed and I wish that you weren't having to go through this, but I think that since you are it is totally okay, and even probably essential, that you take a personal day off from work. Whether your boss will understand or not I have no idea, but I think you should do it. Better to call out than to go in and try to work. You'll no doubt be super distracted and won't get a whole lot done anyway because you'll be trapped in your head. Try to relax and remember the good times... I guess. I mean that's what everybody always says, right? "Remember the good times"? But I don't know. I honestly suck at handling death. All I can tell you is, again... you didn't do this. I know deep down you know this... but I also know how erratic emotions can be when receiving such shocking news (especially to those of us who live with bipolar or depression given out naturally erratic moods and emotions).

[Please forgive me if I am misreading your post or getting some of the details wrong. I certainly mean nothing by it if that is the case.]

I hope you feel better soon. Feel free to shoot me a PM if you want or need to talk to someone. I may not personally be the best at handling death and offering guidance or advice in regards to death, but I'm pretty damn good at listening, and I am incredibly empathetic. (Wow that sounds arrogant. It's not meant to, but it is true.)

[Wild Coyote]

(((((( XRavenX ))))))

Deepest Sympathies.


WC

[Unrigged64072835]

((((((xRavenx))))))

So sorry for your loss.

[liveforsummer]

xRavenx I’m so sorry for your loss

XRavenex-I am so sorry for your loss

[xRavenx]

Thanks so much everyone. It means a lot to me. This is going to take awhile to process and i might not ever have answers. I do have the father's address , although he does not have mine nor his phone number. I decided I'll send flowers to the house. Hopefully he will reach me when I leave my contact info with a card, but if he doesnt, Ill just have to accept it. Something that I feel might help the most: since I didn't know about his death or the wake, I do know where he is buried. I will go to the grave site and bring flowers. I think that might give me some peace and a feeling that I'm doing something in his memory.

[~Christina]

I am so sorry for your loss

I have no magic words but please be kind to yourself and allow time to grieve the loss.

[hopeless2015]

So sorry for your loss...big hugs!!

[Nammu]

(((((((((Raven)))))))))

My heartfelt condolences to you, xRavenx...

Please be gentle with yourself going through this, ok?

[xRavenx]

Thanks so much.
Something I left out of my post: my mother really made me angry. Just a few minutes after I found out he died and was panicking, at first she said she was so sorry, but two seconds later, she said, "Ok calm down, it's not like you were so close with him recently."
She doesn't even know the half of it, plus, why would she say something so insensitive? Undermining the relationship that we had? Her next favorite thing she likes to do is continue to go on and on about I should never gotten involved with him. She is like a broken record. It's as if she'd rather be "right" above all things, rather than showing a little compassion. I know that my relationship with him was not always a healthy one due to both of our mental health issues, but I still cherish what we had. It is not the right time for me to hear this from her. I took multiple approaches to telling her to please not bring that up, but she keeps making excuses and has gone as far as screaming at me, just because I am hurt with how she is approaching this whole situation. However, she keeps defending herself. If I had a dime for how many times she rubbed this in my face, I'd be rich, I swear.