Do you have kids?

My son is 22 - will be 23 in January (if, in fact, he is still alive).

He was 3-years and 8-months-old when I last saw him. Because of his smarts and activism he was easy to track using Google.

He did get his masters in May 2017 and he did work for the government of South Africa previously, so he could be there or he could be working on his PhD.

His mother is not to be found. She would not, in any case, divulge his current location. She would not - even if I could find her - divulge whether he was dead or alive.

So... I do not know this young man. I am not certain that he is my biological child but I did parent him for almost four years. We share no features - we are both taller than usual - and he actually looks like his mother’s previous boyfriend. I had been in the habit of sharing my heritable diagnoses with his mom but she didn’t seem to care and made it impossible for me to find her. So, maybe he’s not my child (explaining why my diagnoses would be of no concern) or maybe he went batshite crazy and had a heart attack. If the latter, it might suggest that he may be my offspring.

Yet. He really looks more like Tom than me.

Triplets that are 17 and a 21 yo.

Yeah, I dated very young girls when I was parenting my son because they were just so much more patient and energetic and better, really, as a mother-figure than his birth mother. I was 39, Lisa was 19.

Ya know... I’m not certain if I was capable of procreation back then. I’m uncertain of ‘my son’s’ paternity.

His mom called me ‘a great father,’ and maybe I was... but I can’t stand to be among my friend’s kids who are under 18: toddlers are the worst.

It was your husband that died? Not your son?

I loved infancy. I believe his mother loved his infancy. We had to be at the top of our game, guessing at all of those idiosyncrasies that weren’t spelled out in the baby books. “Is that a diaper-change cry? Or did he just wake up and will he go back to sleep with no rocking?” “Can you hear him breathing on the monitor? I can’t hear him... it’s your turn to check.” “Breast milk in the fridge? Or formula this time?” “He smiled at me!” “That was a burp.”

Those first two years were so full of surprises and we really did takes turns when he needed us. And after her c-section recovery, we had some dynamite sex. We had dynamite sex until three days before he was born.

I do hope that you’ll find an understanding partner.

That’s like a triple-suck.

It’s the insensitivity that would be worse, I think.

Your brain can deal with facts, I think; you can adjust to what is real. You cannot have a child because you had ovarian cancer. Those are facts.

But the judgment of others? Insensitive, yes. Ignorant, certainly. Hurtful, I imagine. And, probably, long-lived. 91-years-old, in hospice, with everyone asking if your children will be visiting.

I’m often asked the latter, during my frequent hospitalizations. I am not related to any of the three emergency contacts that I list. Yet many on staff will ask after my children. An assumption that six decades surely would have produced a child.

Meh. Maybe, but not certain. Too long of an explanation.

I may be way off base about what may hurt the most. In The Young Pope there was a married couple and both were sterile. Yet, due to Pius XIII’s intercessionary prayer to the BVM whilst the couple was having intercourse, they were gifted with the miracle of a child (Pius XIII being a Saint). Esther, the sterile mother-to-be, was willing to do, almost, anything to save her marriage, child or no child, but she had faith that Saint Pius XIII could help in her desire for a child. And he did. Via the BVM.

Maybe ya have to be or have been Catholic to understand. Or a believer that the Pope didn’t really die at the end and believe in a Second (Coming) Season.

I don’t believe in ‘faith,’ in principle. My ‘faith’ that the sun will rise tomorrow pre-supposes so many things, great and small, that it should really be called a hunch.

When I was young, there was limbo, so many years removed from ones stay in purgatory for various indulgences, all kinda crap.

Ah, I’m blathering on whilst my caregiver is doing my laundry. Maybe the next time someone questions your motherhood you could say that after serving eight years for 3rd-degree-murder you just weren’t into men much.

I am always in awe of parents who find their children ‘amazing.’ Or ‘kind’ or ‘brave.’ Any superlative, really.

Jesu. I quit coaching football because the 11-12-year-old kids were so damned annoying.

LOL!!!! My kids drive me nuts sometimes, but they are still amazing to me. I watch them and realize they are going to grow up to be really cool people. I'm not really a kid person, but I'm totally in love with my own.

Er, ya know that the latter isn’t necessary for the former?

In my experience those parents who believe that their kids will grow up to be cool actually do parent cool kids and the kids grow up loving how very cool their parents are.

I’ll bet that you’re a cool mom.

I have two wonderful boys, 15 & 17. Between the two of them we have good grades, basketball, football, cross country running, associated student body government, class government, and lots of friends. I’m very proud of them.

I have a 17 year old son

Yes, my husband died.

My son was an extremely difficult infant, very colicky and rarely ever slept. Literally would stay up for five to six hours with no nap when he was two weeks old and should have been sleeping every two hours or so. He’s still like that now at seven; really only needs 6 hours of sleep and hits the ground running. He has so much energy and I am the complete opposite.

But the main thing is being off meds for 40 weeks. I just don’t think I would survive unless I was hospitalized the whole time. Plus I may have already passed this monster on to my son (only time will tell) and I just can’t. I will drown in guilt if my son suffers later in life.

My daughter is 23. No grandchildren yet.

My kid drives me and IS nuts LOL

But so so so amazing!

She shares so many of my and my husband's attributes. I married the man because he is awesome and he thinks the same of me, so it works out.

You sound so amazing and supportive as a parent, every kid needs that.

Like you I am not a kid person either, but my own? Wow I would do anything for her, even when she is being a jerk.

My parents were less than stellar and passed away too soon as well. I give my kids the emotional support I wish I'd had. I invest my time into them so they feel loved and wanted. I cherish them every day because we never know how long we have on this planet.

@ Ciderguy - I live in South Africa. Cape Town to be exact

You may be much closer to my son than me.

His specialty is writing legislation policies that address fair and safe housing issues for the impoverished.

I have no wish to meet him but I would like to have some way of knowing what he is doing. I’m afraid that he may be Bipolar, too, as I found an article with an interview with him and he said that he has a problem with spending sprees.

Maybe he is my son.

PM me if I can help in any way

2 kids. 13 yo girl and 17 yo boy. My son has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I feel responsible.

I have the following:
13 yr old girl
10 yr old boy
3 yr old boy

While we're on the subject...

Ok, ok I know the canned saying: “parenting is the greatest joy in the world” and “children are the greatest gift.”

Unfortunately, this aphorism does not resonate with me. I have 3 children and by and large, they are “good kids.” I honestly feel bad for them for being cursed with such a lousy father.

Here are my gripes, in no particular order:
1) Comparison. Maybe it’s the curse of social media, which has reduced us all to living in a fishbowl. Every Facebook or Instagram post I see reminds me of the glaring gap between my kids and others. Sure, these other families are only showing the highlights. However, I try and rack my brain for any similar positive accomplishments and consistently come up short. Again, it’s the age-old “grass is greener” adage; on paper, things seem great in my household. However, all I can think about is the fact that my kids are barely in any extracurricular activities, and it makes me feel inadequate.

2) Discipline. In the unwritten “Parenting for Dummies” book, it’s stated that a parent should try to “nurture” their child, and avoid draconian disciplinary measures. By contrast, I was raised in the “spare the rod, spoil the child” school of parenting. I get so annoyed when my 10-year old son fritters away the day on Minecraft, or binge-watching kids shows on Netflix. When I was his age, I was involved in Cub Scouts, tennis, guitar, and excelled in academics. No one had to push me – I was self-directed. In contrast, I have to get on him to do his homework every night; we’re told not to push him too much, and to let him “find his way” with activities. At this rate, he’ll be the “best-adjusted” high-school dropout janitor at McDonald’s (nothing against the custodial service profession).

3) Annoyance. This is a factor of the heightened sensitivity that comes with being bipolar. The slightest whine of my 3-year old, or a glass that falls on the ground sends me into orbit. My wife constantly implores me to be patient. However, I go ballistic when these minor eruptions take place. Sometimes I want to crawl into a hole and disappear. Instead, I often take the consolation prize: a bottle of red, a bottle of white; it all depends on my appetite. (Billy Joel song, for the uninitiated).

Of course when I was separated from my wife, all I could think about was the kids: how much I enjoyed spending time with them. Unfortunately, this was because I was living a fantasized version of parenting: taking them to restaurants, showering them with gifts, and playing video games until the wee hours of the night. When we got back together, I got the less fun, more gripe-filled "reality TV version." Grass is greener, indeed.

Does anyone else in this group feel this way? Do any of you find parenting as difficult as I do? Am I a “bad person,” or is this frustration simply part and parcel of being a Bipolar I with Depression guy / gal?

Would love to hear your thoughts.

Parenting is difficult and it doesn’t come naturally for me. For the first few years of his life I pretended to be his babysitter. I know sounds bad but I was the best damn babysitter ever. I just couldn’t deal with that responsibility. He has MI also with PDD

I bribe my kid to get good grades. He's only interest is role playing at least he goes to D&D at the library. He has about 16 friends from the co-ops and library. We struggle with all the things other homeschoolers do vs. what we do, He is not athletic at all. The boy doesn't even know how to swim and we live in FL. He plans to be a video game programer but got an 1130 SAT (He needs a 1300 to even have a chance.). Until he was bribed he was a C/D student. Now of course he’s an A student. I wish I bribed him sooner. He has too many chores and I have a short fuse. I’ve only ever yelled at him and time out (never raised a hand to him) He’ll easily tell anyone/everyone that he’s scared of me which makes me sad. He’s currently dual enrolled at some point he needs to volunteering to even have a chance at going to a university. College is coming up fast and I feel ill prepared. I’m trying my best and I hope he forgives me when he gets older like I did my parents. He gripes about going to be at 11 and getting up at 8-9 am. He’s a great kid (despite us raising him) compared to myself or my husband. As my parenting journey comes to an end I’m sad I did not enjoy it more.

That is the challenge for me. Sometimes I wonder if parenting is a giant hoax foisted upon us; it's reduces your wealth and freedom significantly. My single friends are out gallivanting and having a jolly old time all over the world, and have the freedom to relocate to wherever they choose at the drop of a hat. Meanwhile, me and my married friends post photo after photo of our children and families; I don’t know about the others, but my postings always seem to be a giant charade.

Perhaps it's because I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. My parents were more invested in socializing and advancing their careers than spending time with me or my brother. My wife is much more committed to a strong relationship with our children.

Regarding discipline, I feel that I have the exact opposite problem that you mentioned: rather than being scared of me, I feel that my children don’t take me seriously. It’s hard to “crack the whip,” when you’re not allowed to even hold the whip these days.

Don’t get me wrong: I think discipline should be used judiciously. However, I really scratch my head when I see the results from most parents in their kids. It’s Christmas break now, and the kids are home. I’m currently not working, so I have to find ways to occupy them. It’s going to be a long couple of weeks.

I'm not a photo person myself. I know many of my childless or single friends who wish they had families/SO's. I find money is the kicker for what You can/can't do.

My daughter is 17. She is finishing up high school and wants to go to college. However, she does not have the discipline and commitment it takes to do well in college. So I will see what happens. I am hoping for the best.

I thought the same thing but my son stepped up to the responsibility. Granted it's a state college not a university. I do have to remind him of his due dates but usually he has already done his work. look into community college if she's not ready.