Tired of crying

It just got confirmation.
"I can't handle and don't have time to deal with your mental illness. Leave me alone"

Why are earth are you taking in so much caffeine and the lot

You might think it will help but its only going to make matters worse

As long as it works for you

I remember after being diagnosed my moods were all over the map. I went through a period when I cried a lot. I had a new med added then I started using coping skills. If I stay busy I can keep the bad thoughts at bay most of the time. Losing someone is always hard. I hope things get better.

I just want to rest from this. I've cried most of the day because one of my kids sister in law died. She was under 30 and had two little girls under 10. I can't stop thinking about it more than a minute. I took four different antihistamines an hour apart each trying to fall asleep. I've taken hirsuta. I'm out of ways to try to escape. I can't get it out of my head. I do things like help prep for Christmas stuff but cry the whole time. I wish it were me instead of their mom! I know that's not what I should think or say and it's just my broken mind trying to figure stuff out. I can't do this any more today. I can't fall asleep. I took my night meds earlier and they didn't help either. This feels worse than I did on my anniversary this year, when I was still married but knew it was over and had already told her so. I cried that whole day. Why am I so obsessed with this! I can't stop hurting at all.
It seems like every day of my life has more reasons to cry. I'm tired of being tear-full. I hate being this sad. I told my therapist I was fighting SI yesterday and he said "keep fighting it. And about..." as we moved on to something else. I'm not going to listen to that part of me. I don't know what to do with this much sadness right now. I always hated Christmas, even as a very young child, but wasn't letting that happen this year. I'd been happy about it at times even. I'd taken a picture with Santa. I sang along with some carols when I heard some kids practicing them for a presentation. It made them all giggle and smile because my voice was both intentionally and is naturally lacking in ability. I'd even watched "A Christmas Story Live!" and I loved it and got in the mood even more. All of that is gone now. It all seems trite and like I was fooling myself, like I was faking it all. I don't want to think right now. I don't expect replies, because I don't deserve them. If I can't get the SI out of my head, I'll have to do something drastic or go to the hospital.

Not crying at all today but very aggressively doing things. Reduced caffeine intake to one coffee this morning at 11 and an energy shot when I first woke up at 7. That seems like a lot but these shots have only 75 mg of caffeine and the coffee was half decaf. I did make it into the gym for around 50 minutes at full steam. The cold in the air makes me hurt terribly.
I'm angry at all those I saw dressed up in their cars driving past the poor soul that was walking home 20 miles in a hoodie, t-shirt and jeans after having worked 14 hours. Nobody gave him a ride. He must have walked past where I was in the gym or I'd have turned around and taken him when I saw him. I can only think "these are self-labeled Christians heading to worship their Samaritan saviour while passing by someone that very well could die trying to get home. What exactly do these people believe in?"
SI thoughts are very often today but the aggro helps push them out. Playing "night speaks to a woman" from the album "plasma" by Trey Anastasio over and over because it does mellow me, all 22 minutes of it. 5 more hours until "a Christmas story" comes on. Holding in there best I got. I did delve back into some of the Buddhist texts today to remind what I should do. That helps because it reminds me I'm not doing things right and there are better ways even though I'm having trouble with getting past my own pain. I also tried to meditate but failed because of the "Christians."