[SorryShaped]

I just want to rest from this. I've cried most of the day because one of my kids sister in law died. She was under 30 and had two little girls under 10. I can't stop thinking about it more than a minute. I took four different antihistamines an hour apart each trying to fall asleep. I've taken hirsuta. I'm out of ways to try to escape. I can't get it out of my head. I do things like help prep for Christmas stuff but cry the whole time. I wish it were me instead of their mom! I know that's not what I should think or say and it's just my broken mind trying to figure stuff out. I can't do this any more today. I can't fall asleep. I took my night meds earlier and they didn't help either. This feels worse than I did on my anniversary this year, when I was still married but knew it was over and had already told her so. I cried that whole day. Why am I so obsessed with this! I can't stop hurting at all.
It seems like every day of my life has more reasons to cry. I'm tired of being tear-full. I hate being this sad. I told my therapist I was fighting SI yesterday and he said "keep fighting it. And about..." as we moved on to something else. I'm not going to listen to that part of me. I don't know what to do with this much sadness right now. I always hated Christmas, even as a very young child, but wasn't letting that happen this year. I'd been happy about it at times even. I'd taken a picture with Santa. I sang along with some carols when I heard some kids practicing them for a presentation. It made them all giggle and smile because my voice was both intentionally and is naturally lacking in ability. I'd even watched "A Christmas Story Live!" and I loved it and got in the mood even more. All of that is gone now. It all seems trite and like I was fooling myself, like I was faking it all. I don't want to think right now. I don't expect replies, because I don't deserve them. If I can't get the SI out of my head, I'll have to do something drastic or go to the hospital.

I'm really worried about you. If you need to talk please message me. I'm here and I care.

[HALLIEBETH87]

i private messaged you..

[Rose76]

The death of the young mother is tragic, and - if you knew her - tears on your part are understandable. But a lot of your pain has nothing to do with her passing. You have been carrying a load of grief, which you are projecting onto this recent sad event.

Stop trying to be cheery and accept that you have been broken for sometime over something that was a great loss directly to you. If you can, help out in some way with the little girls who lost their mom. Maybe host a cookie decorating night at your house with your daughter and you giving these girls an evening where they get some substitute mothering. Don't do this alone. Do it with your daughter.

This loss is really more your daughter's than yours. She as aunt to these girls will want to step up in some way. You don't have to, but you might like to.

Sounds like some therapy might be very appropriate for you to start addressing your real underlying sorrow, which is not about these girls or their mother. You need care for that. You grief needs to be seen as important, whatever it really is about.

[SorryShaped]

My grief is about a lot of things, all failure:
I failed to be a good husband. She wouldn't have hurt me if I were better.
I failed to be a good father. My daughter reminds me of this regularly.
I failed to be a productive member of society. I've been on disability for 12 years.
I failed to take care of my parents and to be a good son. I can barely stand the sight of them after almost two years of devoting my life to their care.
I failed as a human. I have nothing to show that I've done to make anyone's life better, including and especially my own.

You are not responsible for your wife's action. I'm sorry your daughter says hurtful things, but I didn't understand things about my parents until I was in my 30's. Being on disability is not your fault and definitely not a measure of your worth.

I am sorry you are hurting. You need find a way to give yourself a break. Hospital maybe?

[Victoria'smom]

You can improve most of those things. You only fail if your no longer there to try.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

You are not responsible for your wife's action. I'm sorry your daughter says hurtful things, but I didn't understand things about my parents until I was in my 30's. Being on disability is not your fault and definitely not a measure of your worth.

I am sorry you are hurting. You need find a way to give yourself a break. Hospital maybe?

I'm losing control but I'm not going to go back to the hospital. I can keep safe I am just having trouble keeping the thoughts out.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

You can improve most of those things. You only fail if your no longer there to try.

The marriage and chances to be a good father are over. My daughter barely even talks to me and nobody else will keep a dialogue more than a few minutes. They have something to do always, even when I scheduled with them some time. I was 2 minutes late and told them I was about 5 minutes behind and they made other plans. I'm rarely ever late. They've given up too. All of us have

[Victoria'smom]

How old is your daughter?

I don't care what anyone else thinks. You matter and you are important. When we cant get rid of these thoughts sometimes we need to distract. Do you have anything to distract you?

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

How old is your daughter?

My youngest are legal aged adults but they live with their brothers who allow their mom to live with them. My ex did a solid job of emotionally crippling the kids so they don't think they can be ok alone

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

I don't care what anyone else thinks. You matter and you are important. When we cant get rid of these thoughts sometimes we need to distract. Do you have anything to distract you?

I'm watching "checking out" with Peter Falk. I know it's not the best of choices in subject matter, but it's very witty, fast and funny. It's a good distraction

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I'm watching "checking out" with Peter Falk. I know it's not the best of choices in subject matter, but it's very witty, fast and funny. It's a good distraction

Good.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Good.

I'll watch some other favorites if the muscle relaxers I'm prescribed for pain don't help. Did I mention my pain level is easily at 9 all day today? I don't take pain meds because they don't work at all. A few of my joints are bone on bone and humidity changes and weather shifts are monstrously bad on them

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I'll watch some other favorites if the muscle relaxers I'm prescribed for pain don't help. Did I mention my pain level is easily at 9 all day today? I don't take pain meds because they don't work at all. A few of my joints are bone on bone and humidity changes and weather shifts are monstrously bad on them

Have you tried cannabis?

SS,

I’m going to say it too. I don’t know what has happened, but I know it’s not your fault. I know from reading your posts that you are a good person, and you have a big heart!



I am so sorry for your loss

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Have you tried cannabis?

I have tried and in past used at times. Mom's threatened me with arrest if she finds out I'm high. I've told her that she probably never knew it when I was. Yep, the control problems of my parents are still in full attempt but still in full actuality of nil.
I have none now and no money for it. If I had more money I'd get more kratom instead. I need the relief it provides more than a head rush.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I hope you feel better soon. Thinking of you.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I have tried and in past used at times. Mom's threatened me with arrest if she finds out I'm high. I've told her that she probably never knew it when I was. Yep, the control problems of my parents are still in full attempt but still in full actuality of nil.
I have none now and no money for it. If I had more money I'd get more kratom instead. I need the relief it provides more than a head rush.

Totally fair. I'm pretty pro cannabis. I have a prescription for it. But its not for everyone!

[Rose76]

Sorry, I got your gender wrong. But same advice applies. Your pain about what has been lost to you is important.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

My grief is about a lot of things, all failure:
I failed to be a good husband. She wouldn't have hurt me if I were better.
I failed to be a good father. My daughter reminds me of this regularly.
I failed to be a productive member of society. I've been on disability for 12 years.
I failed to take care of my parents and to be a good son. I can barely stand the sight of them after almost two years of devoting my life to their care.
I failed as a human. I have nothing to show that I've done to make anyone's life better, including and especially my own.

#metoo

I could not help myself.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Totally fair. I'm pretty pro cannabis. I have a prescription for it. But its not for everyone!

It's also not legal here

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

You are not responsible for your wife's action. I'm sorry your daughter says hurtful things, but I didn't understand things about my parents until I was in my 30's. Being on disability is not your fault and definitely not a measure of your worth.

I am sorry you are hurting. You need find a way to give yourself a break. Hospital maybe?

If I weren't so emotionally stunned by my childhood, I'd have not been so broken as a father. I'm in my 40's. I didn't even think about it being emotional neglect until this year when my therapist started reading the ACA laundry list and most of them clicked, except for the use of alcohol. I spent a lot of time with religion thrown at me, regardless of my beliefs and disbeliefs, and threatened all to hell, both literally and figuratively, for anything I did that was not only wrong in their god's eyes, but also in their eyes. I sum up most religions like the following:
"Perfunctory idols, rewriting their Bibles. Magic markers running out of their ink" -- Beck

[SorryShaped]

That was supposed to be sent stunted, but stunned works too. Pdoc said PTSD from most of the people in my life, stemming in childhood.
Trying to burn this out at the Y because I feel my most hated if emotions right now. I honestly feel anger, and highly so. If course I'll only turn it inward because that's what I do. I don't want to hurt anyone in any way. Tried to call a friend for coffee and maybe a talk but they hung up on me. Answer then click. I don't blame them. I don't have any RL friends at this point. NONE.
"I'M A COMPLETE WASTE OF YOUR TIME" -- Kaiser Chiefs