[Bitterbee]

I think I am new here. Maybe I came here before but do not remember. If I ever was here before I am probably 20 times worse off than I was then. Worse in the head and now unable to work or care for myself due to mood swings that do not go away...they stick to me now, mainly I am either sad and depressed, anxious or angry and going into a rage..if not a combination.
I moved somewhere where there is too much stress for me to think. I have no where to go though, and no money. Lost another job due to my instabiltiy, that must make like 110. My whole life is one big mess. Honestly I don't have any idea how many jobs I have been through. I have never been stable. But much worse in my life now. And now stability seems out of grasp. That word, It sounds like a joke. And I am so very alone.

No on to understand, hell that is the whole underlying theme of my life.

I hate my therapist today, she does not hear me.

I like my med doc, because he hears me and actually is the only one i could ever "talk" with but meds are tough for me. Knock me out or do nothing. Here I sit again..no med to quell my pain. Unless of course i take something and just lay in bed in a drugged out daze. What life is that?

I want to be someone. Something to someone and someone in this world who is admired. I want to feel good about myself but my quest leaves me empty. The continually bored me searches for something to keep her mind off things. I have a very hard time focusing. So I am bored yet unable to entertain myself and escape for a bit.

My diagnosis. Bi Polar I, ADHD, Borderline Personality Disorder.

Many times been diagnosed ADHD since my 30's with many tests. Borderline personality disorder which fits me to a T and Bi Polar disorder I which fits as well and my moods are HORRENDOUS..damn between the anger and the deep down sadness that sucks the life out of me..i have a rage in me that is brewing as I see no way out of this. The major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder I guess may end up being erased and just lumped with the others under Bi polar. I get panic attacks and always am anxious.

I seem to be a mess. I always was a mess, sometimes though I could function. I no longer can. I am to wait for SSI, that will take a long time. I have not time. i have not support. I have no family and no kids. I am 40.

I feel dead.

You see, I see things in Black and White. They are working on me stopping this, but is what I know. I try and try to do what they say, I am in dialectical Behavior Therapy but not getting far. I get into my moods and I AM MY MOOD. Calming down is not a choice...not happening, it is just not I am upset. It is so far beyond that. An anger that churns from within and is like a volcano, I lash out at anything in sight because the emotions that come out are painful and like lava and they burn me from within and I want you to feel my pain. I hate you cause I hate me. I hate that you can't help me. Wont somebody help, I cry and cry and no one is there. I hate that I have made bad decisions to make an already bad life worse.

I wish to have support...my family does not believe in disorders though I do believe they caused them but perhaps yes i was just born defective. They resent that though. I was adopted.

I did not ask to be here and wish I could have proved them wrong. Wish I could have been something.
I hate getting older. It makes all your pain that much worse. It is much harder to turn your life around at this point and with nothing to grasp onto.

I look in the mirror and hate what I see, lines are there now...my youth is gone..it was all pain and for what, I have lived..FOR WHAT?

No family, no kids, no money..no life.

Anbody else relate to any of this?

Karen

[Shyguy88]

Welcome to PC Bitterbee, your not alone going on the bipolar rollercoaster..I also have Bipolar 1 disorder, along with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), with GAD. I get into my manic, mixed, and depressed moods quite a bit..I also get angry real easily too, and I end up letting my anger get the best of me and later on regreting it. Sorry to hear that your going through a rough time, I know its hard to find the right medication combo to even out the moods, I been on a lot of meds just this year, and currently just started lamictal last week and so far its been helpfull..I'm only 19 years old, so I wouldnt know how you feel without having a family and kids at the age of 40, but I imagine it must be rough, I also dont have much money so i just live with my mom. But anyways welcome to PC, there are many nice people and a chat room where you can chat with other people in PC that are a supportive bunch.

[lhgegg]

Hi
I am new here. I read your post. First of all I want to say that I am BiPolar 1 Mixed , Borderline Personality, Anxiety, Paranoia, and generalized depression. I have the same violent rages that you are describing. I also have no money and no way to get a really good pdoc. My pdocs are horrible, they dont listen to me. My therapist, well I dont have one anymore because mine got fired and the clinic where I go wont give me another one. I have not been able to work for last 3 yrs due to my violent ever changing mood swings. I have had 35 jobs and I am only 36. I have lost all of them due to my mood swings and not being able to function well in society. Did I happen to mention I am a mom of one 3 yr old. Its very tough being a mom to a screaming toddler. I am under so much stress and not being able to help pay bills or pay for medical care is getting so frustrating. My boyfriend supports me financially if it were not for him I would be on the streets. It is very hard for him to live with me. I feel sorry for him, but I feel sorry for myself. I am the one who has to live this crazy nightmare, he can always get out.
I just wanted to tell you I completely know what you are going thru. I have been homeless, I have been starving, I have had to sleep where ever I could lay my head because of not being able to work or keep a job when I did get one. I was always being evicted from this place or that one. I understand. I also have applied for my ssa. I have been waiting since 2/06 for mine. Been denied once. Have been waiting on a hearing ever since. Have my hearing 11/20. I have no representation. No lawyer would take my case. My pdoc is terrible and refused to help me. So I am doing it all on my own. Hope I dont flip out before the judge.
The other thing I had to tell you was you are a wonderful writer. As I was reading your post I was thinking that. Your descriptions are awsome and they are the truth, no exagerations. You could make money with your writing talent. Just a thought.
I hope you feel better soon. I know how hard it is. I know that having someone to talk to that understands you is what we all need. My bf doesnt understand. I am always here if you need a set of ears.

Take CAre
Leslie

[lhgegg]

Hi
I am new here. I read your post. First of all I want to say that I am BiPolar 1 Mixed , Borderline Personality, Anxiety, Paranoia, and generalized depression. I have the same violent rages that you are describing. I also have no money and no way to get a really good pdoc. My pdocs are horrible, they dont listen to me. My therapist, well I dont have one anymore because mine got fired and the clinic where I go wont give me another one. I have not been able to work for last 3 yrs due to my violent ever changing mood swings. I have had 35 jobs and I am only 36. I have lost all of them due to my mood swings and not being able to function well in society. Did I happen to mention I am a mom of one 3 yr old. Its very tough being a mom to a screaming toddler. I am under so much stress and not being able to help pay bills or pay for medical care is getting so frustrating. My boyfriend supports me financially if it were not for him I would be on the streets. It is very hard for him to live with me. I feel sorry for him, but I feel sorry for myself. I am the one who has to live this crazy nightmare, he can always get out.
I just wanted to tell you I completely know what you are going thru. I have been homeless, I have been starving, I have had to sleep where ever I could lay my head because of not being able to work or keep a job when I did get one. I was always being evicted from this place or that one. I understand. I also have applied for my ssa. I have been waiting since 2/06 for mine. Been denied once. Have been waiting on a hearing ever since. Have my hearing 11/20. I have no representation. No lawyer would take my case. My pdoc is terrible and refused to help me. So I am doing it all on my own. Hope I dont flip out before the judge.
The other thing I had to tell you was you are a wonderful writer. As I was reading your post I was thinking that. Your descriptions are awsome and they are the truth, no exagerations. You could make money with your writing talent. Just a thought.
I hope you feel better soon. I know how hard it is. I know that having someone to talk to that understands you is what we all need. My bf doesnt understand. I am always here if you need a set of ears.

Take CAre
Leslie

[Bitterbee]

Thanks for both of your replies, it does help to know I am not alone. To the guy above, I hope you can get help now, get all you can now and don't stop meds. I made that mistake a long time ago because Lithium helped but had side effects and I am like...oh i don't need these.

SO get all the help you can while you are young before you mess up your whole life. To me personally I think it is worse when you are older and look back at such a messed up life . Stick with therapy and I am glad your parents are supportive. From what I am told, support is a big help. I never had any.

[Bitterbee]

Oh yeah,

And thank you for the comment about my writing well. That amazes me. Not too often in my life I have been told I am good at something. And despite the fact I used to write frequently, this never has been told to me is an asset, more of a quirk.

I have never been around anyone who enjoyed poetry. If anyone ever listened it was as if I was forcing them too.

So I really appreciate the compliment. I am also glad you enjoyed reading it.

Karen

[Pughead]

It is hard to have that feeling isn't it? The feeling of not knowing what exactly you have, or what the solution is. I seem to have recurring patterns of questioning my diagnosis and treatment, most often when I'm on the down. Lately I've just felt over-medicated and kinda flat, which isn't good either, but it's better than being ultra-volatile and violent.

I have BP II and BPD Meds and therapy have been helpful. But it is a never-ending fight. You're not alone and I hope you can get the help you need. PC is a good place for info and support.

[Bitterbee]

Have you heard of DBT ..Dialectical Behavior Therapy, I am in that currently but not helping me.

I need a medication badly to help, I was in an angry high anxiety state all weekend. I get such high anxiety and it just sticks..with me all day, I pace, I rant about stuff, everything is too much for me to handle. I clench my teeth a lot.

I sound like a monster don't I? I am starting to think I am one. Been trying to get help but still at square 1. Yeah I would rather feel flat then volatile and explosive and so much anxiety that really is a constant state for me.

I forget who I am, who I was, I long for what I could have been and seem to never will be...
I think the real me is dead.

I feel dead.

Karen