i need help coping

I got a dreaded early morning text. I heard the beep and could feel a lump in my throat as I went to read it. I felt my heart sinking. It is never good news early in the morning.

My son was injured while travelling in Guatemala. The first text message he sent was that he had a rough night and had 'dental injuries' and no care. It was an hour before I heard any more from him and I was panicking. Was he in a place so remote there was no care. Was his jaw broken? Was he robbed? Was he alone? Did he have anyone to help?

Well it turns out he was with a good friend of his from uni. And he wasn't robbed. And his jaw wasn't broken. And he could get to a dentist. He got a root canal on a tooth and hopefully will be on a flight to the US to be with my sister. She is in a much better position to help him than I am at the moment. I have been so stressed out any way with my legal troubles and my history of psychosis and my cat got a weird injury she just kept licking until it opened a wound so now has to wear a collar.

He's supposed to have gotten on a shuttle bus to get to guatemala city and get a flight out tomorrow.

I am so grateful he is with his friend. And so grateful my sister can take care of him. It is going to be a tough night. I feel so sorry for my son.

He was so drunk he doesn't remember what happened but was told that a guy in a bar sucker punched him after he insulted him.

I really don't know what to say to him about that.

I"m looking for advise. Please reply with your thoughts whatever they are. I need some input and to calm down. Try to focus on the positive.

He's getting to where he can get care. That's very positive. He'll get the work done and then put this behind him. You don't need to worry about him right now. It seems to be heading to an ok resolution. I'm also a parent and would still be worrying anyway regardless of the situation having a likely favorable outcome. Your kid gets hurt or sick and you want to rescue. I'm the same way. My kids don't care enough to tell me when something's wrong most of the time. Yours did and that shows a good bond! Your sister is helping. That's awesome too. You have a good family here. Take care of that poor kitty and yourself. Your sister will keep you updated I'm sure.

You reminded me of positive signs, SorryShaped. He's 23 and it matters because the part of his brain that controls executive functioning hasn't completely wired itself up and I know he can be incredibly insulting and irritating if he would want to. It's also about being so drunk you don't know what is going on in an inherently unsafe environment. I worry about how he could have got into this situation and not recognized the danger and walked out after the first time the guy swung at him. It's hard to write this without sounding like I am blaming him for what happened... which I am not.

There's a great a**hole out there in the world that did this to my son... But I also hope my son learns some lessons ( like reading the fine print on travel insurance.. he didn't maintain the provincial insurance so it's not valid).

Well I just heard he got a private room with his friend in a hostel in guatemala city to get a plane out of there tomorrow. He's lucky it wasn't much worse.

He just told me he had a meltdown last night because no one took it seriously enough to get him medical care in the middle of the night. And he cried during the day when he realized that the criminal who sucker punched him could have had a knife or left his mouth a bloody mess (which is not the case).

I don't have a great relationship with him in person but he has always contacted me when he was in dire straights and when he is really doing well and has something to celebrate.

You are right I don't have to worry. As long as he learns from this that and keeps his health that is all that matters.

Here's hoping his bits become more properly focused on becoming executively wired after this. I'm speaking from experience here, but it's surprising the things pain and danger teach in an instant.

Your words are comforting and I hope you are right. I guess that's the silver lining to any adversity is that one can learn from it.

I have no advice just commiserations. I’m the parent of a pair of right royal ratbags (fond Aussie speak) who are turning 21 and 22 this year.
I’m thinking of locking up them up until their frontal lobes have finished developing
Those early morning calls are right up there with late night calls.
I’ve had such bad reactions to their ‘adventures’ that we now have a rule in our house: I turn my phone off and they call my hubby if there’s a problem.

Thanks for your commiserations Pookyl. Glad you have your hubby too. I've got PC to share with. It's around age 26 or possibly 27 when the development and pruning in those lobes stops at the latest. Life is just inherently dangerous in the mean time. It's hard to accept.

It is hard to accept. Both mine currently have had their drivers license suspended.

When I was younger my uncle used to say that he wished all teenagers could be put to sleep and then woken up at 25yrs of age when they were able to make smart decisions. I never understood what he meant until mine turned 18.

I'm still afraid of the future. I'm ruminating over an unseen, unknown future and worrying endlessly. I just want it to stop. All the thoughts and go to sleep.

Personally I'd sleep better knowing their licenses were suspended... if that needs to be the case then it really is for the best and one less thing to worry about. My son never got his drivers license. I wasn't too keen on the idea although he did get a drivers ed course and lessons and a learners permit

well my son arrived at my sister's and she will look after him now. whew! what a relief he is safe. you can see something is off with his teeth but he looks ok.

I'm still wrapped up in worry mode about him and life in general. Hopefully tomorrow will be a new day.

Glad he is back and he appears okay.

My daughter was a hellion until she got an entry-level job and paid part of her way for college at 19. (She takes two classes a term and we pay for one of them.) That and having her boyfriend live here has wised her up quite a bit. He still doesn't have all the executive stuff going on but she keeps him straight almost all the time. Sometimes he has to learn the hard way. She still doesn't drive but she'll be going to therapy and maybe take meds to see if that will help her.

The above is edited for brevity. I’m glad your son is safe, that he got the medical help he needed, and got back to the States. It must have been a terrifying situation for you, and I’m glad you got the support you needed here. In retrospect though, I think your son might benefit from some hard truth.

Your description and your analysis don’t add up. You say he was in a foreign country, was blackout drunk to the point of not remembering anything, that he can be incredibly irritating and insulting, and that he got punched in the face for his involvement in a situation to the point where someone would break his teeth.

At the same time, you say you don’t blame him, call the other guy an as$hole and a criminal, and hope he learns to read his travel insurance.

IMHO, you’re not doing him any favors by minimizing his responsibility for this situation. The other guy might be an a$shole, maybe he’s a criminal. I don’t know Guatemalan law, but if someone is starting $hit in a bar and gets punched for it, it wouldn’t surprise me if the police would look the other way - especially in a culture where machismo is so much more important than in the States.

If I were in your shoes, I would hope he learns a lot more than to read his travel insurance. I would hope he learns:

1. Don’t get blackout drunk in a foreign country (or at all).

2. Insulting and irritating others has consequences - it may not always be a mouthful of broken teeth, but it’s certainly going to affect his future relationships, job opportunities, and almost every area of life where he interacts with others.

3. Whether or not the other guy responded appropriately, it sounds like he instigated the situation. Rather than deflect blame and shield him, admit he is either completely or partially to blame for getting broken teeth and for being injured in a foreign country with nobody to help him.

You defend his actions by claiming he’s not old enough to understand these things. I call bull$hit. When I was his age (and far younger), I knew how to take responsibility for my actions and realize my part in a situation where I had messed up. Maybe something wasn’t completely “my fault,” but if all I thought was that the other guy was completely to blame, I wouldn’t know how to change my future actions in order to avoid the same thing (or worse) from happening again.

I’d say it’s your job as his parent to help him understand these things. I can’t see into your past or your present relationship with him to know whether you can speak hard truth into his life, but hopefully you can. Your response to him doesn’t have to be judgmental or harsh, but the information can be presented in love and of course you have his best interests at heart. Whether or not he listens and accepts responsibility for his part in the fiasco is on him. You can’t control his response, but you can help avoid a situation that enables it to happen again in the future.

thank you for your thoughtful message bioChE. My son has been thinking a lot about his part in the fiasco namely being so intoxicated in public. I do not know what if anythign he said. I was just saying that I know he can be very insulting if he wants to be... You are right that it costs him in many ways, also with me. I am at times afraid for my own mental health to have him in the house. that is part of the reason (not the only one)

I do want to say that it was no doubt partly just bad luck to run into a violent person in that situation. I don't blame my son for getting hit in the mouth. I don't blame victims of violence ... male or female. it will take time for everything to settle in on balance.

you are certainly correct and I will come back to your post again and read it carefully tomorrow and into the future to remind myself and rethink the part I want to take away and the part I want to leave.

I am not sure about what I wrote that defended my son's actions. He did handle it well to get dental care and on his way out of the country the next morning.

Editted to add: his teeth were chipped when he fell, not from the punch. There's no bruises on his face. His friend said the guy was looking for a fight and also punched him (he punched both my son and his friend) and followed them out of the bar but they got away from him. The other young man wasn't injured.

I never said he 'was not old enough to understand these things'. My point about full executive function being delayed has to do with being able to make the correct decision in the moment. Understanding the situation retrospectively is a different matter.

Violence does not require physical interactions. Verbal violence is very much a real thing. It's one I struggle with constantly.

It's important that you are aware of this. I have struggled with this too in the past. Anyone who has raised an adolescent has had a good chance to see this too.

I wasn't aware how much I do it until recently. I still do it. I don't like that part of me.

Thanks for the further explanation. There’s a chance I read more into the original post than was actually there. Like I said, I’m glad he’s OK and that he made it back home safely - that’s the most important part of this unfortunate situation. And certainly as you said, the retrospective is very different than in the moment.

Good luck with your son’s recovery and any insights he has into the situation in the coming weeks and months.

I'm so glad he's okay for now. My new therapist has younger kids and seems to be under the delusion that you don't have to keep worrying about them once they grow up. My Mom was 97 and she said she still worried about one or the other of us most of the time--and she was a good, pretty laid back mother. It's really tough and you have my sympathies, but if he let you know what was going on, and especially that he was safe then he's a good kid. My well-grown up son has a new girlfriend. I don't know if I would like her or not but I do know I'm glad he as someone to look after him for now.

well he just had a good trip to the dentist. No unwanted surprises like hairline fractures or cavities and the root canal he had in Guatemala was done well. They are waiting for everything to heal and then will fix up the chipped teeth. They may need additional work in the future but for now everything is fixable and he isn't losing any teeth.

He also lost his provincial photo id, a learner's permit and is getting new id in the US with my sister. I'm hoping in that structured environment he'll get his life in order.

If I'm overly critical of how he has or hasn't handled things then he won't want to talk to me. It is hard to know where the line is about being judgemental and critical vs. helpful and not sweeping everything under the rug. It is wonderful that he was able to get his act together the next morning, get care and get to the capital so he could fly out the next day. And he was blessed to have a close friend with him.

He did let me know what was going on and also when he started to feel safe. He is a good kid. He's also been diagnosed with ADHD but he was still able to graduate from university in a coop program. I can imagine how you feel about your son. Life is so much easier when you have a reliable person by your side.

I like your mother already

Here on PC, be as critical as you want. It's called venting here, and welcomed.
I'm grateful he's not going to lose teeth and it seems it's going to be ok.
This is the point, if I were him, I'd decide if drinking was worth this. Not my decision though. Made my choice when I drove, probably legally drunk, 22 miles on a back road.