Denial, Disbelief and Depressed

I remember being diagnosed as a teenager with bipolar, I was put on Lithium but soon after being discharged fom the hospital I stoped taking meds completely. Three years ago I had a very severe manic episode that almost resulted in me being hospitalized. I was excersising 3hours a day, substance abuse, insatiable sex drive, and near the end I literally felt like I was having a mental break from reality and loosing my mind.

I went to see a Psychiatrist who diagnosed me with bipolar. When he saw me it was when I was in a full blown manic episode so I made his job a little easier I guess.

I was stabalized on 3 different medications and took them consistently for a few months. As soon as I felt better I stopped taking them thinking this is a "mind over matter" thing and I could control myself. I certainly don't want to take drugs the rest of my life it's just a reminder that I'm crazy.

So the past 3 years I have fluctuated between denial, anger, self pity, brief moments of acceptance and then right back to denial. I keep reading the diagnostic requirements of bipolar from different sources hoping to prove my diagnosis wrong.

To be perfectly honest I like the manic parts at least until I humiliate myself or loose control. I have a therapist who thinks I have borderline personality disorder and a Dr. who insits I'm bipolar. No win situation if you ask me, both diagnosis suck.

I feel like an outcast and like I have noone to talk to. My husband doesn't understand and I don't like talking about it with him anyway, just makes me feel crazy.

I don't even know who I am. I don't know where I begin and where the alledged disease ends? I question everything I do and say and wonder if I'm being manic.

On Friday I did a really good job at work and my heart, and thoughts started racing and right away I was feeling superior. After telling a few people how great I was I started to think maybe this is a hypomanic episode?

I kind of stopped drinking. My husband doesn't allow it anymore (too many problems). Yesterday he was gone during the day I bought a bottle of wine started drinking at 11am and by 1 the bottle was gone, I was throwing up and passed out. My house is a disaster, I've gained weight, have no motivation, and want to sleep all day.

All that on THREE different medications?????

All I can think is I better not screw up this marriage because noone else will have me.

I am so sorry that you are having such a time with the dx. I don't think I know anyone who wants to have this illness but do know those that have come to terms that they do.

I too like the hypomania but know that leads to full blown mania with me. That is not good at all. A lesson I learned the hard way.

I take meds that help keep me stabalized. I resent having to do so but have learned that life overall is so much better that way. I am sorry you are reaching out for alcohol as this usually doesn't help anything. But we all make judgements that may not be the best at times. Maybe this was one on your part?

I understand the feeling of being alone and people not understanding. You have found a good group here that does understand and will listen and try to help you. I hope you find some understanding and support that you seem to be looking for.

BB

You just descibed me to a tee... I go to a nuero-psych appointment on the 19th to hopefully nail down a diagnosis for me, and on Tuesday, I start a six month class mainly for those who've been diagnosed mainly as borderline. I'm sick of the swings, meds, and people who think that it isn't real. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))