Got too intimidated

I had been doing fairly well for a while (since after Thanksgiving). That made me decide to start adding responsibilities to my life. I'm on disability, and have had periods in the past (on disability) when I was successful doing more than I've been doing for the last year or so. Then I'd crash and only really manage to do the basics in chores and errands. So I thought it was time to add more again. I got somewhat excited. At first I added a daytime wellness course and loved it! Then it was over just before Christmas. Then I decided to add an evening adult school class with my hubby (one night per week), and also a university class, which I had done in the past, but only went to 50% of the time.

Unfortunately I have not felt that well for a couple of weeks. Then my therapist announced that she was ending her practice. It really knocked me for a loop. I was supposed to sign up for the auditing today, but after a discussion with my hubby we decided I shouldn't. We both feared that I'd sign up and not go and basically waste the money it costs. The decision was also based on the fact that the class starts so soon (next week) and is twice per week. I just think that would be too much of a jump right now. Hubby and I will, however, go to the evening adult school class together.

I am discouraged that it is taking so long for me to add responsibilities to my life. At this rate, I feel like I'll never be able to get back to any kind of work, which I'd surely start only part-time. I know I'm not alone in this issue. I know that even though there are many people with bipolar disorder that work full-time, have kids, and do all the housework and cooking themselves, that there are others like me.

I wasn't always so limited in what I could do. When I was younger I could do a lot and work full-time. I definitely had bipolar disorder back then, too, but was able to function despite. What happened was my illness worsened over the course of my life because I was unmedicated. I often wonder what my fate would have been like if I had been diagnosed at 15 when I had my first major breakdown. If only I could have been on a very small dose of moodstabilizer. Just enough to keep me level, but never crash and burn like I did at 34.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time Cthebird. I've been on both sides of the fence in the past and now. There were entire years where I couldn't do much of anything at all.

Necessity has been a good motivator for me, at least lately. I work at least 50 hours a week, I go to the gym, and I make time to spend with my girlfriend. None of these things are optional - if I don't work I don't get to eat and sleep indoors. If I don't exercise, I feel weak and tired, and if I don't spend time with my girlfriend, I lose out on the sweetness and light that she brings to my life, which makes the rest of what I do much more worthwhile.

I hope you find your "groove" soon.

You're doing the topical bipolar path. Feel better, even though not manic, do more because involvement keeps you busy. Crash out and do bare minimum or nothing at all. Don't do more than you can handle because you're asking for that crash. That happens with and without any MI. If it's going to be too much, don't do it.
We all wish we'd been diagnosed earlier. I go through that daily. We weren't though. Nobody --them, they, or us-- figured it out in the time we wish anybody had. It isn't going to change now though. I find when I ruminate in the past like that it stops my now and stunts my future. That's why I try not to do it, but I'm human and we do that sometimes

Hi Northchild. I'm happy to read that you've been able to accomplish so much lately. I understand that dire situations are certainly motivators, but you are very lucky that your intense schedule (at least to my current perspective) isn't destabilizing you. Obviously you are in a place that you can handle what you are doing. If I lost my husband and/or SSDI right at this moment I'd probably have to sell my house and move elsewhere (with my father if I lost my husband). I'd probably be hospitalized either way. Best case scenario if I tried to even interview for a full-time job right now, I'd probably be so extremely anxious that I'd be throwing up every day and not make it through the interview. But I do have optimism that someday I'll be able to handle more, with extreme motivator or not.

SorryShaped, I won't let myself ruminate on "could haves" or "should haves" too much. I understand that doing so is a waste of time. Just occasionally do these thoughts pop into my mind.

I will be doing more going to the adult school class with hubby. As for daytime activities, I will look for more, but I think I may not be ready to commit to a twice per week outside activity starting next week. Perhaps if it was starting a month from now I might have signed up and crossed my fingers. Too much is happening right now that stresses me out.

I can kind of relate. I was hospitalized at 20 but diagnosed with depression and not bipolar. Had 15 years with no major events and then it all blew up. Last September I was hospitalized and I've been working to get back to normal since. It takes time. Last night I hand washed dishes for the first time since I've been out (hubby was doing them) and I basically did a big happy dance. I was so excited.

I would say try not to focus on the hurdles, but celebrate the successes. Even small ones. Recovery takes time, but you'll get there and you're doing great.

Thank you, TheSadGirl. I will try to concentrate on feeling better again. I can't allow my current struggle to trigger something even bigger after having made good progress.

I'm glad you had a good day yesterday and hope you will have another one today. I'm glad to read you did the happy dance!