[SorryShaped]

Feel like crap this morning. I can't even look in the mirror to shave. I couldn't look in the mirror before or after my appointments yesterday. I've been awake less than 30 minutes, but I'm usually up two hours by now. I've been crying all night again. It really sucks to cry in your sleep. My dreams were my crying as a little kid. Appropriate.
My daughter chose yesterday to message me. I'd left her alone after her last series of angry messages. I did have a conversation with her and let her know something that would help with financial aid if she ever decides to go to school or Just Please do anything with her life. She chose then because she was mad at her mom again. That seems to be when she decides it's time to message me. That made all this mess feel worse.
I wanted to go to the gym after the appointments yesterday. But, the closer I got to the gym, the less I felt like going in. I turned at the road before the entrance and drove back to my parents' and stayed alone. I tried yet again to just have conversation but I couldn't do it more than 30 seconds.

You're mentally burnt out. You need to get to some place safe immediately, maybe even quieter...you seem to be "wired".. be truthful to yourself.

*hugs*

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by 2ISAB

You're mentally burnt out. You need to get to some place safe immediately, maybe even quieter...you seem to be "wired".. be truthful to yourself.

*hugs*

I am spent. You are very correct. I don't feel safe anywhere, so where do I go to feel safe? The gym is usually my safe place but I don't want to be around people. I'll stay under my blanket for now. I truthfully am on the edge and I'm looking down, though that doesn't scare me. I lived here, perched on the edge of the end for almost my entire life. There's no going over it right now, because I've made progress, a LOT of progress. There is something deep within me that says "not yet."

[ncrust]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Feel like crap this morning. I can't even look in the mirror to shave. I couldn't look in the mirror before or after my appointments yesterday. I've been awake less than 30 minutes, but I'm usually up two hours by now. I've been crying all night again. It really sucks to cry in your sleep. My dreams were my crying as a little kid. Appropriate.
My daughter chose yesterday to message me. I'd left her alone after her last series of angry messages. I did have a conversation with her and let her know something that would help with financial aid if she ever decides to go to school or Just Please do anything with her life. She chose then because she was mad at her mom again. That seems to be when she decides it's time to message me. That made all this mess feel worse.
I wanted to go to the gym after the appointments yesterday. But, the closer I got to the gym, the less I felt like going in. I turned at the road before the entrance and drove back to my parents' and stayed alone. I tried yet again to just have a conversation but I couldn't do it more than 30 seconds.

Dear friend, You are trying to solve your life's problems alone. And this is why mistake after mistake has led to this point. Have you tried to do it with God? With faith? I am a Christian and things are different in my life.

Church fathers say that the FIRST sign of the healing soul is the ability to see your own mistakes like a sand on a beach.

What if you try to turn your life around and change it?

Hugs and prayers for you. Message me if you would like to talk about this.

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I am spent. You are very correct. I don't feel safe anywhere, so where do I go to feel safe? The gym is usually my safe place but I don't want to be around people. I'll stay under my blanket for now. I truthfully am on the edge and I'm looking down, though that doesn't scare me. I lived here, perched on the edge of the end for almost my entire life. There's no going over it right now, because I've made progress, a LOT of progress. There is something deep within me that says "not yet."

I totally understand. I'm also at the same house....life got too tough..but I turn to movies. This part of a film has always stayed with me.

I hope you find your way soon, OK

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by ncrust

Dear friend, You are trying to solve your life's problems alone. And this is why mistake after mistake has led to this point. Have you tried to do it with God? With faith? I am a Christian and things are different in my life.

Church fathers say that the FIRST sign of the healing soul is the ability to see your own mistakes like a sand on a beach.

What if you try to turn your life around and change it?

Hugs and prayers for you. Message me if you would like to talk about this.

You realize you're preaching to the last person you'll ever want to do that to? Religion has done damage in my and billions of other peoples' lives. How many people has God killed? How many have killed in the name of God? Crusades to kill millions looking for a cup that your saviour wouldn't have ever given a s+++ about seem a mild example. Your involvement in your little cult has nothing to do with me, my life, or most of the rest of the world. If this is all you can offer, I'm very ashamed for you.

[Moreta]

Sorry you feel so crappy. It's best not to withdraw from everything though. Maybe try going somewhere new for a while. Local coffee shop? I found a nice one in my town. If i go early in the morning around 9 it's quiet. I just sit there, have a tea, stuff my face with a muffin, and read my book. At other times it can get loud when the hipsters are there (around 11 am). haha. I found around 2 PM though the students from Salem college are there studying so it's quiet again. Sometimes a change in schedule helps. If all else fails, running away to the mountains for a week is helpful. I did that in 2015. Spent most of the week lounging in a hammock on the porch of my cabin watching perry mason, using an outhouse, and showering in an outdoor shower that never got warm. haha.

Just some ideas. Hugs my friend.

[bpforever1]

I've been in the pits too and know how it feels. As you know, if you are at the bottom, there is no other way but to go up and out. I feel the pain you feel and hope that you will somehow manage to take control of your pain and your life. It is good for you to reach out to others here. Please continue to write here and tell us what is happening. When I was in the pits, I wished I could have vented to somebody too. It would have made me feel better to have somebody to commiserate with me. I don't know where God fits into all of this. I believe to have a shoulder to cry on is more helpful than to bring up the subject of God at this point. I believe in God but don't think it is appropriate to talk about God when someone is feeling down and out. If we can offer support and a helping hand, this would be more beneficial. So, please continue writing and venting. Hopefully, you will find the appropriate help and support for your situation.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Moreta

Sorry you feel so crappy. It's best not to withdraw from everything though. Maybe try going somewhere new for a while. Local coffee shop? I found a nice one in my town. If i go early in the morning around 9 it's quiet. I just sit there, have a tea, stuff my face with a muffin, and read my book. At other times it can get loud when the hipsters are there (around 11 am). haha. I found around 2 PM though the students from Salem college are there studying so it's quiet again. Sometimes a change in schedule helps. If all else fails, running away to the mountains for a week is helpful. I did that in 2015. Spent most of the week lounging in a hammock on the porch of my cabin watching perry mason, using an outhouse, and showering in an outdoor shower that never got warm. haha.

Just some ideas. Hugs my friend.

I know where all the coffee shops are, and I don't think starschmucks is to be counted. There's one a few miles off in either direction. There's one around 12 miles off under a new yoga studio that I know all the instructors.
Been listening to "you know, you know, you know" by Pigface for a while now. I rarely listen to that track but it helped a little today. Lighting into the preacher above helped too. Except for the TV, you sound like my kind of person to hang out with. I love hipsters. They entertain me to no end. I can't get enough of their scoffing and appearances. I do have a few small errands to run today too.

[Cornucopia]

In all respect to those believing in God, I am not a christian, but I still have faith in life, in me.
I feel it’s a bit rude preaching like that. Prayers and everything- fine. Sounding like God is a missing link is not fine.

Anyway, not my post, so not my place to whine about that.

I am so sorry you har having such a rough time, SorryShaped.
I too think you have exhausted yourself. Too much at once, I assume you will get a though time ahead of you, and then it will get better.

You have opened a door in which much pain will come forth, but: it will give you the opportunity to heal. Or, well, more like you blasted it open, and everything comes falling over you at once.

You are strong, and you will heal. I hate it when I don’t have a place to go hibernate while I am healing my mind, trying to calm everything down. Under the blanket is fine, but always something or someone that interrupts that lone-space. I want to freeze time, be at peace alone- without everyone butting in. Can’t do that.

That inner spark in you will give you strength, you will fight this and raise even stronger. Our strength is our ability to get back on our feet after falling.

I hope you find some safe spots, and some time to feel peaceful.

I admire your strength, even when you think you are weak, you still seem very strong.

«Strongest there is»
I think it’s from a commercial or something. Things always pops up in my mind. That is one of my issues, if I start writing I could go on and on and on, like a never-ending story. My racing thoughts keep crawling out.

I am focusing on keeping on track. Point being: hang in there, it will get better. And you are strong. And even strong people needs rest. Especially after everything that has come into the surface.

Hug/handshake/nothing/whatever you prefer

[SorryShaped]

Yet, everything outside is now covered in a thin layer of ice

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Cornucopia

In all respect to those believing in God, I am not a christian, but I still have faith in life, in me.
I feel it’s a bit rude preaching like that. Prayers and everything- fine. Sounding like God is a missing link is not fine.

Anyway, not my post, so not my place to whine about that.

I am so sorry you har having such a rough time, SorryShaped.
I too think you have exhausted yourself. Too much at once, I assume you will get a though time ahead of you, and then it will get better.

You have opened a door in which much pain will come forth, but: it will give you the opportunity to heal. Or, well, more like you blasted it open, and everything comes falling over you at once.

You are strong, and you will heal. I hate it when I don’t have a place to go hibernate while I am healing my mind, trying to calm everything down. Under the blanket is fine, but always something or someone that interrupts that lone-space. I want to freeze time, be at peace alone- without everyone butting in. Can’t do that.

That inner spark in you will give you strength, you will fight this and raise even stronger. Our strength is our ability to get back on our feet after falling.

I hope you find some safe spots, and some time to feel peaceful.

I admire your strength, even when you think you are weak, you still seem very strong.

«Strongest there is»
I think it’s from a commercial or something. Things always pops up in my mind. That is one of my issues, if I start writing I could go on and on and on, like a never-ending story. My racing thoughts keep crawling out.

I am focusing on keeping on track. Point being: hang in there, it will get better. And you are strong. And even strong people needs rest. Especially after everything that has come into the surface.

Hug/handshake/nothing/whatever you prefer

My parents know to leave me alone under the blanket unless I'm in a corner. That's when it's probably a good idea to get help. They are equipped to handle nothing to do with MI, even if they really wanted to.

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

I know where all the coffee shops are, and I don't think starschmucks is to be counted. There's one a few miles off in either direction. There's one around 12 miles off under a new yoga studio that I know all the instructors.
Been listening to "you know, you know, you know" by Pigface for a while now. I rarely listen to that track but it helped a little today. Lighting into the preacher above helped too. Except for the TV, you sound like my kind of person to hang out with. I love hipsters. They entertain me to no end. I can't get enough of their scoffing and appearances. I do have a few small errands to run today too.

Nah, star****s don't count. The only time I go there is if I'm in kernersville and I'm just going through the drive through to get an iced coffee. They lack on the gluten free stuff too. Oh wow, I can get a bag of almonds. Have you ever went to that yoga studio? Maybe look up their schedule today and go for a class, then chill at the coffee shop after. Tbh I just put on the TV most of the time for background noise, unless I'm high asf then I get super into it. haha. When I get depressed I usually listen to bloc party or placebeo. Here's a track.

Just stick to the first 3 bloc party CDs. the others are trash.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by Moreta

Nah, star****s don't count. The only time I go there is if I'm in kernersville and I'm just going through the drive through to get an iced coffee. They lack on the gluten free stuff too. Oh wow, I can get a bag of almonds. Have you ever went to that yoga studio? Maybe look up their schedule today and go for a class, then chill at the coffee shop after. Tbh I just put on the TV most of the time for background noise, unless I'm high asf then I get super into it. haha. When I get depressed I usually listen to bloc party or placebeo. Here's a track.

Just stick to the first 3 bloc party CDs. the others are trash.

It's a very new studio and I've not been. Of course I have their schedule already. Three of the instructors there teach/have taught at one of the gyms I go to. I'm thinking coffee before, if I go today. Icy conditions outside right now though. You listen to much calmer things than Pigface it seems, but I do go for Rufus Wainwright a lot too as well as most everything made. Music is art and it all makes us feel different each time we experience it. That's the truth of the question "what makes it art?" I've been stuck on Pigface's "King of negativity" for a bit now.

[Moreta]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

It's a very new studio and I've not been. Of course I have their schedule already. Three of the instructors there teach/have taught at one of the gyms I go to. I'm thinking coffee before, if I go today. Icy conditions outside right now though. You listen to much calmer things than Pigface it seems, but I do go for Rufus Wainwright a lot too as well as most everything made. Music is art and it all makes us feel different each time we experience it. That's the truth of the question "what makes it art?" I've been stuck on Pigface's "King of negativity" for a bit now.

Cool. Yeah I'm not a big metal person. I do like korn, tool, NIN (old stuff), Orgy, sevendust, slipknot. I just listen to whatever moves me. I listen to a lot of classic rock too, Doobie Bros, Grateful Dead, Boston, Heart, Fleetwood Mac, Bowie. Sometimes if I get too high I throw a Phish concert on Youtube on. lmao. I've seen phish 3 times, never got high at a concert. I listen to hip hop and rap too, jdilla, DOOM, old kanye stuff, ying yang twins. Then there's techno like Daft Punk, Madeon, DJ Encore. I'll listen to just about anything besides country and classical. Just not my thing. I leave the top 40 station on in my car so that's mostly pop.

I hope the ice melts so you can get out of the house today. I'm hoping the rain will let up some so I can go out around 1:30. Coffee shop should have a lull in people around then. I'm reading "Four to Score" by Janet Evanovich now. It's pretty good so far. I hope the one barista is working today that understands a medium amount of honey in the tea is more than a couple squirts. haha. I need my sugar man.

[SorryShaped]

A lot of those you listed have portions or all of in Pigface, who are considered in the industrial genre. Skinny Puppy paved the way for metal and industrial as it is and the members were all in Pigface. Trent Reznor does a lot of the vocals in several Pigface albums. If I'm listening to rap it's usually De La Soul or Mos Def or that punk band Beastie Boys. I like Urban Thermodynamics too. Trey Anastasio is awesome and I'll listen to his stuff anytime. Check out Oysterhead sometime, it's Trey, Stewart Copeland, and Les Claypool. Really cool album. Tool, check out Puscifer. Portugal The Man is also one of my favorites, but they're latest album, though good, isn't their best by far, "in the mountain in the clouds" is a masterpiece.
The roads have no issue and the windows on my truck are about clear. I'll be rolling soon.

[Moreta]

I'll check them out. Glad things are thawing out and you'll be able to get out soon. If you ever need to talk, just PM me. I'm around most of the day. Enjoy your time out.

Hey you. Just checking in. I'm here if you need to talk. Hugs.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by TheSadGirl

Hey you. Just checking in. I'm here if you need to talk. Hugs.

I think I'm done with talking. It's not helping. I do appreciate the distractions above but they ain't doing it either. I did manage to wash my face, brush my teeth, and shave. I've thrown on my Rev. Terry Rice shirt and am heading out to run my errands and whatever I decide afterwards.
My options are: take the pot, coffeehouse, gym, new yoga studio, library, flirt. Best time of year for flirting at gym... Valentine's, new year's resolutions, Summer's coming. I will go for it if my options become open. I've even used my pheromones soap. All in. Game on.