Not having a good day

Wild Coyote · Feb 21, 2018, 12:29 PM

(((((( wildflowerchild ))))))

Thinking of you today.
Hoping it's going better.

WC

Feb 21, 2018, 02:33 PM

Hope you make it through the day with less anxiety.

Unrigged64072835 · Feb 21, 2018, 04:21 PM

Oh wow, I'm sorry you're going through this. I do hope the anxiety lessens.

Wild Coyote · Feb 21, 2018, 08:34 PM

Thinking of you.
Bumping up your thread.
I hope you sleep peacefully tonight.

WC

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 21, 2018, 08:46 PM

Thanks everyone. After I went in this morning my day didn’t go great, but not the absolute worst it’s ever gone. Unfortunately we were working with algebra tiles which I don’t understand (even though they were explained to me by the math coach back in October). So I had to kind of feign knowledge. It sucked but whatever, story of my life right? I just feel so guilty that I even took this job knowing I couldn’t do math. The kids deserve better. I don’t care about my co teacher and making her job easier, just the students.

I feel like I’ve said it all before so I won’t rehash. Just wanted to say I’m doing the best I can be given the circumstances.

~Christina · Feb 21, 2018, 09:19 PM

Hugs !!!!! Glad you made it through the day

Feb 21, 2018, 11:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Thanks everyone. After I went in this morning my day didn’t go great, but not the absolute worst it’s ever gone. Unfortunately we were working with algebra tiles which I don’t understand (even though they were explained to me by the math coach back in October). So I had to kind of feign knowledge. It sucked but whatever, story of my life right? I just feel so guilty that I even took this job knowing I couldn’t do math. The kids deserve better. I don’t care about my co teacher and making her job easier, just the students.

I feel like I’ve said it all before so I won’t rehash. Just wanted to say I’m doing the best I can be given the circumstances.

Is this lesson on YouTube?

I had no idea until my daughter was in college that just about any kind of lesson is on YouTube. She was using it heavily when she decided to major in chemistry.

I hope you are feeling better. I’m a little jealous that your therapist is so well versed in DBT. I’ve heard of carrying ice packs!

leomama · Feb 22, 2018, 04:50 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Today has been pretty rough. I’ve posted about it in the check in but feel I need to write a post if for no other reason than to get it out of me.

I feel like a cornered animal. I am extremely anxious and feel like I could lose control at any moment. It’s been that way since the moment I woke up. Actually I went to bed like this. I stayed up late last night but slept straight through til my normal wake up time so I’m not thinking it’s mixed, just unbelievably severe anxiety. I can’t eat today; so far I’ve had a protein shake and half a tuna sandwich. My stomach is all messed up.

I feel like either something awful is going to happen OR I might be reliving the night I found my husband. I am not having visual flashbacks but the same feeling of doom and despair is there. I did have a couple of triggering workshops today. Very interesting but probably not the best things to have taken. I don’t know if this is triggering this horrible situation.

Like it’s so bad I’m considering going to the ER for this all consuming panic but I’m afraid they won’t do anything for me (all I want is a couple of benzos). Plus I don’t want to be exposed to the flu. I wish I knew my pdoc well enough to call her. She wouldn’t prescribe anything over the phone though, she’s only met me once. And she’s an addictions pdoc as well so I’m sure she doesn’t give out benzos lightly, if at all.

I did do a short meditation that helped slightly. Maybe if I can just make it home I can do several of them or a longer one.

I’m actually sitting outside my t’s office right now, I’ll see her In about 15 minutes. I usually feel much better after meeting with her so I hope she can help me this time.

Thanks for reading, I just needed to get it out, sorry to take up board space!

I’m glad you could articulate yourself so well, it actually helps me and encourages me. I hope things are getting better for you.

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 22, 2018, 09:18 AM

Looking in to taking an fmla day tomorrow although considering this was only a four day week to begin with it might seem stupid. Plus overall I don’t think it will help. Had a terrible time getting out of bed this morning. I fell asleep last night around 6:30, woke up for a while at 8pm to get my son to bed, and fell back asleep at 9:15. I’m utterly exhausted and I don’t know whether it’s physical or mental or both.

Sigh. I wish there was an easy answer. But unfortunately not.

Wild Coyote · Feb 22, 2018, 09:25 AM

You've been through hell. I also wish there was an easy answer for you.
You are very courageous. I admire this about you.
I hope each day gets better and better.

WC

~Christina · Feb 25, 2018, 12:52 AM

How are you feeling ??

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 25, 2018, 01:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina

How are you feeling ??

I don’t know

I don’t know what’s happening. I’m up and down like crazy. All over the place. Happy hypo yesterday morphed into rage at the end of the day, half happy hypo half depressed yesterday, seriously hyped up racing mind today but I feel like bursting into tears. I don’t know. I’m so upset. I just had a great time at the flower show with my family but I still feel like crying but I’m so tense and anxious, it’s not my normal depression.

Thanks for asking though. Wish I had a better report.

Wild Coyote · Feb 25, 2018, 01:53 PM

Sounds rough.

Thinking of you.

WC

~Christina · Feb 25, 2018, 02:34 PM

You really sound mixed

I wish you could find some peace and contentment.

Maybe once this damn school year is over???

Many hugs my friend ((((( Wild )))))

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 26, 2018, 09:07 AM

My anxiety is out of control. I keep worrying that my school is tracking me through the cameras and my key card. Like they know that I leave every day during my prep and they’re going to reprimand me for it. Even though you’re allowed to do that, I still feel like they’re targeting me and they’re going to say something.

I’m also extremely worried about being stopped by police while driving. I’m constantly looking for cops. I mean as a plus I strictly adhere to the speed limit now. I don’t kno why I’m so worried. I’m kind of afraid they would find something to arrest me for, like claim I’m high or something or plant drugs on me or something. Or that they would mark me as a mental patient and arrest me for that. I haven’t been pulled over in two years though.

I know this stuff probabaly isn’t happening but...what if it is? I mean I guess the school thing isn’t that big of a deal because worst thing they could do is fire me, which would only help at this point. But I really want to avoid police at all costs. I don’t trust them at all.

I’m soooo tired because I woke up at 3:15 and was up for two hours and then fell back asleep for another 45 mins until my alarm went off. I really should have just stayed awake. I wouldn’t be as tired.

But my mind is not cooperating with me. I tried to complete the work for class today but I couldn’t concentrate. I wrote down the answers at least so I’m not completely unprepared l.

No days off until the end of March unless I take fmla, in which case I have to get a docto note for each day I take. Ugh.

Wild Coyote · Feb 26, 2018, 09:35 AM

These are signs you need some help.
A med adjustment, perhaps?
Can you call your pdoc during the school day?

Please stay safe.
Thinking of you.

WC

~Christina · Feb 26, 2018, 10:07 AM

Can you call your T age helped you last week?

I think you do need help now rather than later

Please call someone

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 26, 2018, 11:54 AM

I do need help

I might call the pdoc’s office when I get off today. Maybe I can see her tomorrow instead of next week. I don’t know. I can handle it right now but it degenerated very quickly last time in October. I’m feeling similar to the way I was then.

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 26, 2018, 05:40 PM

Called doc’s office but as I figured there are no openings for tomorrow. I am on the cancellation list, but I don’t hold out hope. I do see my therapist tomorrow though. I am going to see if she will write me out for Thursday and Friday. I would take Wednesday too but my co teacher is being observed and I don’t want to ruin it for her.

Everything feels...unreal. I feel disconnected. Like I’m watching my life from afar. Like I’ve pushed myself so far my brain has snapped. Shut down. I am being productive but it is methodical. And I also feel like I could methodically harm myself. It’s bizarre and unsettling, especially since it is so eerily familiar to what happened four years ago, when I ended up crying in the bathroom of my php program because I thought everyone could read my mind. Yeah. That’s why I’m so upset.

I hope I can make it. I hope no suicidal thoughts show up.

~Christina · Feb 26, 2018, 07:54 PM

So glad you are seeing your T tomorrow!!!! Yes a few days off will help you.

Self grounding , a lot !

Be kind to yourself!!!!!!

bizi · Feb 27, 2018, 02:21 PM

I am sorry you are struggling right now.
((((HUGS))))

bizi

Feb 27, 2018, 06:40 PM

I hope things ease up for you. I'm sure it's not easy having a heavy job and parenthood on top of a mental illness. I'm sending good vibes your way! Perhaps take it one day at a time like the AA folks?

Feb 27, 2018, 07:01 PM

(wildflowerchild))))))))) I hope T can be a help tomorrow. In the meanwhile, please stay safe with grounding as much as you can.

wildflowerchild25 · Feb 27, 2018, 09:01 PM

Saw T and pdoc today (she did have a cancellation). Pdoc thinks it’s just extreme anxiety. She gave me Ativan to take as needed. She also upped rexulti to 2mg. And interestingly enough she lowered the trileptal with the intention of taking me off of it. She said it was because my sodium level was low.

Thanks apfei, I think you’re right. I have to take it day by day. I think now that I have the Ativan maybe I’ll be able to remain calmer throughout the day.

Funny story: pharmacy said they gave me 60 Ativan but there were only ten in the bottle. Wtf? Now I have to go back and pick up the rest.

Ah well hopefully everything will work out.

~Christina · Feb 27, 2018, 09:07 PM

Glad you could see both !!!

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