I don't know how long I can take it

I'm new to this website, but everyone has been so supportive.

Not sure what I'm looking for, answers or similar feelings...

But I don't know how long I can last feeling this depth of pain.

I lost a partner to suicide, and though I had been diagnosed well before us meeting, it changed me as a person. I lost that small bit of optimism.

There are so many things and people I love, good schooling and career, but none of that matters right now. Apparently I also have PTSD, but not sure how that weighs in since I've been living with a lot of memories. It's really a label.

I can't keep feeling this way. It's more than pain. I don't know. I have doctors. I really just don't know.

Just to offer a bit of support - my husband died about three years ago, not from suicide but from something similar (I say similar because it involved a choice he could have not made - drug overdose). I understand being in so much pain you don’t see a way out. Right now I’m in the anger stage of grief, been stuck here awhile, but I imagine I will slowly morph back into the crazy amount of pain as well. It suuuucks but you have survived this long. My dad died when I was ten and I thought I’d never make it through that but I did. I hope you have a therapist to talk to. I’ve also found keeping a journal where you can write to the person if you so choose helps as well.
Most of the time I can’t handle it but it helps sometimes.

Oh and I know what you mean about losing any shred of optimism you had left - my husband stole that from me when he decided to take those drugs that killed him. I don’t have much “non artificial” joy left.

Thank you for sharing your story. It must have been incredibly difficult for you, especially since it was your husband.

It's almost like they took parts of you with them when they went away.

I have a psych and am scheduled to see a therapist. Hopefully we could find effective treatment. It's been 8 years of trying to find which behavioral patterns work and which don't. I'm at the edge. I don't understand why we have to live this way. It is what it is I guess. But, does it ever stop?

Well I’m assuming you have Bipolar as well, though perhaps not. I was in remission from bp for six years, then in bipolar hell for four, then remission for another two, and now I’ve been back in hell Since last July. So as for that I can’t say. Still hoping to find a good med combo.

But I did recover from the grief of losing my father as a child so I know the grief part is possible.

Clyde-I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom to suicide and my husband in an artificial heart transplant.

I think grief is hard anyway, but add a suicide situation and bipolar and things are just so much harder.

I hope your therapist is able to help.

Please know that grief comes in waves. It can be difficult when it is intense, but there will be times when it isn’t. And it will get better.

Hi, Clyde.

I lost my second husband to suicide many years ago. Grief was hard, and since I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar then it was unbearable for a while.

Things did turn around eventually. It doesn't go away completely, but it does ease.

Hope therapy works out for you. It did for me once I was able to listen.

Thank you. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

Yes, it gets better with time.

I’m deeply sorry for what you are going through. (Huggs) I don’t know how long you can take it either. Sometimes you just have ride it out and wait for it pass...and it will pass. Dealing with grief is horrendous and harder for us that have mental problems. It gets really scary.

In the past few years I’ve lost a son in law to suicide, A grandson to drug related violence, a sister to cancer, and another sister via a drug overdose. There are days when I feel so battered by emotions that I feel like I’ve been tied to a tree in a hurricane filled with razor wire.

The only thing to hang in to is the fact that it WILL get better. It may be small comfort I know. Please hang in there

I lost my mother to suicide at 14. She was bipolar also (called manic depression at the time), and addicted to legal drugs. My father basically bailed at the same time. He paid the bills, made sure we had food, but we were basically parentless. That may have been the trauma that brought on my own bipolar. I have had bipolar disorder since I was 15. Was in a deep depression for most of the second half of my teen years. Never developed a good sense of self esteem. So I am very aware of the damage a suicide can do to those left behind. Can be very difficult to get over.
My heart goes out to you, and may your journey get easier with time.

I'm so sorry all of you have had to deal with the suicides of people close to you. My grandfather was bipolar and committed suicide, but he lived on the other side of the world, so I didn't know him well. I do know suicide is very hard on the survivors.