[jacky8807]

I took a drive at 3am and thought about just driving 80mph into a tree and be done with it. I couldnt do it and felt like a coward. But then...i dont know if i want to die. I am just sick of living at this monent in time. The two thoughts dont mix and leave me confused

Originally Posted by jacky8807

I took a drive at 3am and thought about just driving 80mph into a tree and be done with it. I couldnt do it and felt like a coward. But then...i dont know if i want to die. I am just sick of living at this monent in time. The two thoughts dont mix and leave me confused

Slow down captain. What ever you're going through, many have before you. I honestly believe that if you place some research that others may have a plan that would suit you.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, I was just the same as you in the morning.....

[Wild Coyote]

Hi Jacky,

Well, I am glad you chose to not hit the tree.

I can relate to being fed up and feeling at odds, even confused, about what to do about it.

The desire to end our lives is a part of the depression we go through. It's a symptom, signaling us as to the depth of pain we are in at the time. We want help with the pain and when we feel we are suffering too much, we tend to think about any way out.

Everything in life is impermanent, including depression in a cyclical illness. Often, if we can wait it out, things change.

You are no coward! You are a very strong person, even though you may not feel that way right now. I admire you for all you do-- working, being a caring mom, etc.

I'm glad you are not sure you are ready to go! This is going to pass.

I also want to mention how much losing you would devastate your family, especially children. I'd lost my dad to suicide when I was 11 y.o. I was devastated for many years. That was the saddest time of my life and I still sob when I think about it, some 46 years later. It deeply wounded me and I've never been able to get over it.

So please, Jacky, don't give in to destructive impulses and keep yourself safe. Maybe don't go for drives in the middle of the night, especially when you are feeling despair?

Take good care of yourself, Jacky.


WC

[99fairies]

I could have written this. Just last night I told my husband that I wanted to do "it", but I didn't want to die. It's an awful feeling and I hope we both can get through this phase safely. Big hugs.

[scatterbrained04]

Sorry you're struggling so badly at the moment, Jacky. I'm glad you didn't do it. I could have written your post at certain times. I've literally had to get out of my car, sit in the passenger side, and throw my keys in the back seat.

[Unrigged64072835]

I don't think I want to die, but be relieved of the endless pain that depression brings me.

It won't last forever, though it feels like it. Sometimes the best we can do is hold on, second by second even.

Jacky, I'm proud of you for deciding not to do that.

From what you have written, I can tell that you know suicide is not the answer. When you say "i dont know if i want to die. I am just sick of living at this monent in time," I can tell that something positive/good is convincing yourself not to do something like this. Or perhaps you recognize that these feelings or temporary. Though more importantly, you know that despite all your negative thoughts, struggles, and feelings, you have at least one good reason to continue living. And even though the future may seem bleak to you, you do see hope.

I can see why you're confused, but you can work through this. Keep posting and let it all out. It's great to talk to people on the BP forum because we all "just get it."

[liveforsummer]

I can relate and that’s such a painful experience to go through.
I am so happy that you are here with us today Jacky and I hope today is a better day for you.

[jacky8807]

Thank you everyone. Its crazy when you think about it, how incredible it is to be able to come here and ppl automatically get exactley what you mean. Its a rare thing

Wild coyote and blue touched on touched on things holding me back abd it IS my children. I would hurt many other ppl by ending it but the pain i would inflict on the souls of my children is the reason i always turn away from the final solution.
I know things change. Especially with bipolar but the problem is they always end up coming full circle to feeling like this again

Thx for all your replies. I know we all struggle and yet everyone here is always at the ready to give support. I think thats so awesome

[franz kafka]

Just wanted to say I'm glad you are safe and have things holding you back from following through. I've also been there and I'm thankful I survived.

[wiretwister]

really sorry your going thru this ... been there ... try to find an outlet ... a diversion ... something else to focus your attention on ... (no matter how black, there is always a way back ) ... I truley believe that ... we will always be here for you ... your never alone ... Love Tigger.

[pirilin]

Jacky, you know I love you. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Think about all the people that are going to suffer as result of a bad decision.
You are not a coward. On the contrary, It's harder to live than taking the easy way out.
YOU ARE BRAVE!!!.

It was not cowardice, but the voice of reason. That said, I've been there too. (((((((((jacky))))))))) I'm SO glad you didn't. You are much cared about.

[~Christina]

I’m really glad your still here

[jacky8807]

Thank you everyone for being so so kind. There has been a kidness drought in my real life but i guess thats the way it goes sometimes. This bipolar forum has saved me, and im sure others, more than once. Thanks guys. I am so grateful to not be alone in this today and its been a while since i felt grateful for anything