[BipolaRNurse]

It happens every spring: the cherry blossoms come out, and I want to mess with my meds.

This year, for some reason, I've been unable to resist temptation. I've cut back on the Lamictal and the Geodon. I want to be able to feel somethin and be something other than boring. The thing is, am I hypomanic because I'm experimenting with the meds, or am I experiementing with the meds because I'm hypomanic? I don't really FEEL hypo. I don't have anyone to talk to during the day because my son and son-in-law are at work, and even when they're home I don't think I talk any more or any faster when I do talk. I feel a little speeded-up but I'm not really bouncing off the walls---the brain says GO while the body says NO, I'm happy tapping away on the laptop. I want to get out in the garden and dig in the dirt. I want to want to exercise. LOL.

I haven't stopped taking the nighttime meds as prescribed, I know I need to sleep. I've just cut back on the daytime ones because I want to feel something besides boring. I know my family thinks I'm boring. I want to be more exciting and someone they'll want to talk to. I want to feel like doing physical things instead of being a sofa spud like I am. Who knows, my SSDI is being reviewed and they may cut me off and what if I need to find a job?? I need energy to do that and I just feel that maybe I'm overmedicated. I've been very stable for the past couple of years but maybe the meds are too much now because I've lost so much weight. I don't know. I haven't told anyone what I'm doing, I'm only telling y'all because I know I can count on you to be non-judgmental. I forgot my nighttime meds a couple of times in the past couple of weeks and made the mistake of sharing that on my blog, and people just tore me a new one. It's OK if you disagree with what I'm doing, and I don't know if I'll keep doing it because I may actually get hypomanic. Or, maybe this is just hypomania lying to me. Or maybe I'm just a wuss who's afraid to try going off meds altogether, which I won't do, I promise. I know I'm rambling but you get it. Thanks.

[Northchild]

Recent video by Julie Fast: The Dangers of Loving Euphoric Mania

[Wonderfalls]

If your nighttime meds are just for sleep, then you're not really taking anything for hypomania, which, as you know, can slip into uncontrolled mania. You don't want us to be judgmental but people here are going to worry about you. That's just natural. In the meantime I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, I guess.

[piano97]

BPRN, yes, you are likely hypomanic to some degree or another. It's not bad per se. But can be a slippery slope. You have told me the exact same thing in the past when I was getting manicky and messing with meds more and more as I went. You strongly encouraged I rethink things a bit, or talk to MD about.

I understand very much. I have been reducing seroquel a little bit recently, I feel like it was impeding a lot of other good non-med treatments. You mentioned gardening, and just general activity being outdoors. I've been trying to be more active and have better structure, and it is working really well the last couple weeks. I see doctor this coming week and we will go over things.

[Nammu]

I understand completely but like piano said....slippery slope. On the other hand two years ago I quit the lamictal and have remained stable.....so who am I to say. I'm still on my AP and pm meds cause, like you said....sleep is so important.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Wonderfalls

If your nighttime meds are just for sleep, then you're not really taking anything for hypomania, which, as you know, can slip into uncontrolled mania. You don't want us to be judgmental but people here are going to worry about you. That's just natural. In the meantime I'm glad you're enjoying yourself, I guess.

I do take meds for mania (Zyprexa & Geodon); I'm just not taking the daytime dose of Geodon or Lamictal atm. I am usually very med compliant, for some reason I just got a wild hair up my butt and decided to play around. Like I said I don't know if I'm hypo because I'm messing with the meds or messing with the meds because I'm hypo. You know, the old chicken-or-the-egg question. I'm leaving my nighttime meds alone, not tweaking them because I've accidentally forgotten them on occasion and not been able to sleep AT ALL. I know what happens when I don't sleep well for more than a couple of nights, I get manic AF. and I don't want that. I just want to feel really good for a little while. I'll go back to my normal schedule if things start to go sideways. Now worries.

[Pookyl]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

It happens every spring: the cherry blossoms come out, and I want to mess with my meds..

Hi,

It sounds like we’re going through the same thing.
You have been one of the most sensible people, a ‘voice of reason’ on this forum. You currently feel like you are boring. It doesn’t sound like you are making your usual common sense choices.
This would tend to indicate that your mood is elevated.

Anyhow, lol I’m writing this sans clothes contemplating exactly what time my hair colour appointment is - going bright bright blue.

[AspiringAuthor]

Also, Trazodone can be contributing to an upswing. 150 mg of Tradozodone did that for me.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by AspiringAuthor

Also, Trazodone can be contributing to an upswing. 150 mg of Tradozodone did that for me.

trazadone made me manic!

[BipolaRNurse]

I've been on Trazodone for a couple of years...never had a problem with it. Honestly, I think this wonderful little spell is just Mother Nature playing her semiannual tricks on my brain. I always get the urge to f*** with my meds in the spring and early fall, most times I'm able to fight it off. This year, not so much. But really, I can't wait till my son come home from work tonight and I can ask him if he thinks I'd be more exciting to be around if I weren't so overmedicated. I don't like being thought of as old and boring. Old I can't do anything about (even though I'm NOT old yet, at least I don't think I am), but I can definitely be peppier. Who knows, maybe I could even get out of the house and go find a damn job if I had a little more get-up-and-go. Then I'd at least have something to talk about besides my online life and my comfortable, mellow and unexciting routines. Hey, you know, I'm getting a lot of stuff off my chest here---I have loved my boring little life but sometimes it feels really stifling. Like there's all this creativity deep inside but it's too hard to reach down in there and pull it out. Anyway I'm just glad I have this place to go to when I need to confess stuff that I can't put in my blog because my readers would have a cow if they knew I was actually cutting back on my meds without my pdoc's OK. Thanks y'all for caring.

[*Laurie*]

I came off a mania 7 weeks ago, when I started Lamictal. The Lamictal helped stabilize me almost immediately and the first thing I noticed was how BLAH everything had become. I won't go into all the details - you know what I mean. Frankly, I've been fighting a mild depression because of losing the mania.

Having bipolar is not easy, is it?

[Tucson]

The short version is that I think it is possible you are hypo right now. Here is the long version.

There is no judgement here. Please do not take any of this personally. It is a Bipolar thing to foolishly mess with meds acting as though they are some qualified doctor able to do this intelligently. And this continues even when the person has had predictable major setbacks while doing this in their past. This is something that I will never understand, but there were times I was very tempted to do this on myself. I actually did this once...or twice. So I have been a part of this too. Go figure.

You are backing away from AP meds? This is allot more serious than adjusting some AD or antianxiety med. Be prepared for the predictable set back to that which is not any longer reality. I do not think anything is worth experiencing psychosis. Nothing at all. I need to function. But then you may think differently. One thinks differently while hypo.

Now your attempt at prescribing yourself different dosages may be impulsive on your part. Also you are ignoring the probable consequences. You may even think this is no big deal. If this is the case, you may very well be hypo, particularly if this is not your normal behavior, in your approach to your meds. If you are hypo, your the worst person to gauge the probable outcome. Heck, you may be hypo in obvious ways, but you are not in the position to understand this while being hypo. Ask a trusted friend or family member for their feedback. I bet they can give you some good feedback. I guess this is why you are asking us here for input. Personally I do not have the luxury to not be functional, no matter how much better I think I can feel. Still, if I am hypo like you may be, I also may not understand this myself.

Just some thoughts. I do wish you well.

[BipolaRNurse]

After reading y'all's responses I think maybe I was ramping up a little before I even started futzing with my meds. I'm normally not very impulsive when I'm stable. But that doesn't negate the fact that I feel sooooo much more lively these days. I just took my nighttime meds about two hours ago so I'm a tad mellower, but I can hardly wait till the morning so I can get up and go get my hair done. That's all the exicitment planned for tomorrow but it something. I want to drink coffee-sludge out of the machine at my son-in-law's salon and gossip like the ladies in "Steel Magnolias". I'm not normally delightful in the mornings but if I get enough caffeine in me I can at least carry on a conversation. Getting out of the house is also a good thing. I don't always have access to a car. I'm part owner of a 2017 Mini Cooper but my SIL usually takes it to work unless I tell him I need the car myself. I just don't have anywhere to go most days so I sit at home with my son's mother-in-law. She is also bipolar but denies it to the hilt. I don't know why she thinks it's so shameful, after all I am and I refuse to be ashamed. We get along good though, which is miraculous considering we are such different ages and backgrounds. She is 71 and was raised in a VERY strict Baptist home where there was no music except the Grand Ol' Opry and Southern gospel, no dancing, no drinking/smoking...must have been more boring than my own life today. Haha!

[franz kafka]

Are you planning on telling your doctor about the reductions? I get manic in the spring too so I can relate to wanting to ditch or reduce meds. I did that in January but now I'm back up to the higher dose again thanks to hypomania and psychosis. Hoping to get back down to a lower dose ASAP...

[bizi]

I hope you have a nice time getting your hair done!!!!
bizi

[SparkySmart]

When I returned to work after having been laid off last year, I had to reduce meds to clear the brain fog. Not that I didn't enjoy the brain fog, mind you (it was kinda cool and spacey), as long as I didn't have to do things like brush my teeth or balance my checkbook. So I tried a number of combinations, increasing and decreasing, until I found what worked. I feel great now and am functioning well. I won't have the high-pressure career I had before, but I do my simple job well and am keeping a roof over my head...these are high priorities for me. I see my pdoc and PCP at frequent intervals, and we have a "plan B" in place.

Last year was a challenge for me, with three lengthy and frightfully expensive hospitalizations, so I know how quickly things can change; however, I think that experimentation with dosages isn't always unhealthy if you have reliable feedback. For me, at least, high-dose cocktails may be necessary and desirable for crises but WAY too risky for maintenance. It's all about balance.

[BipolaRNurse]

Balance...the Holy Grail of bipolar. Something that comes naturally to NONE of us. I was doing really well for a long time, but I think the changing of the seasons made it easier to fall back into old habits. I used to be awful at taking meds, of any kind. I've been on a number of blood pressure meds for a couple of decades and only in recent years have I been compliant most of the time. I still manipulate them so I don't take my water pill on a day when I have to be somewhere during the early part of the day, but otherwise I'm good with the regimen. I've also been religious about taking my bipolar meds until recently. I don't know WTF is going on with me or why I want to shake things up other than the fact that it's Spring and I want to feel different from my usual boring self. I don't want to go into full-blown mania but I don't think I will, I'm still taking my APs at night like I'm supposed to and I'm getting adequate sleep for the most part. My sleep has gotten a little wonky in the past few weeks...I keep waking up at night and I don't fall asleep till around 0100 most nights. But I get up around 0900 every morning, the second half of the night always seems to go better than the first half and I get most of my quality sleep between 0400 and 0800. Tha'ts always been my way...I don't do early mornings as far as getting up is concnerned. Today I had to get up at 0700 to get my hair done and did fine even though I didn't really get to sleep till the early AM hours.

[Moreta]

My sleep has been wonky since the time changed. Too much daylight man.
I think I'm dealing with a bit of hypo mania or mania but i haven't even messed with my meds. Still taking them as prescribed. I'm still tired asf all the time though but my brain is churning thinking of ways I can make things more efficient. ha. I think changing my diet and starting to volunteer has thrown me for a loop though. I want to do it all and I want to do it now. haha. Be gentle and careful with yourself. I know how fast these things can turn ugly. If you feel the need start taking the morning meds again. Be careful with the lamictal though, you might need to titrate back up again so you don't get SJS. Gotta love the spring crazies.

[bizi]

I wish you much luck in your journey
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Unrigged64072835]

I know I usually lower my meds after IP, once my brain recovers. Other than that I'm pretty good.

I also know what it feels like having a boring life, more so because my husband has MS and depression and he tends to be fatigued all day long. I'd go out myself but I've had panic attacks behind the wheel so I feel uncomfortable about that. This can get bad because spring fashion is out and I'm a sucker for new clothes. My life pretty much revolves around computers, cats, and family. When it gets warmer we can get out and do some photography and camping, though. I'm also taking online classes at college for Creative Writing and it's been fun but challenging.

[lucymae1]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

It happens every spring: the cherry blossoms come out, and I want to mess with my meds.

This year, for some reason, I've been unable to resist temptation. I've cut back on the Lamictal and the Geodon. I want to be able to feel somethin and be something other than boring. The thing is, am I hypomanic because I'm experimenting with the meds, or am I experiementing with the meds because I'm hypomanic? I don't really FEEL hypo. I don't have anyone to talk to during the day because my son and son-in-law are at work, and even when they're home I don't think I talk any more or any faster when I do talk. I feel a little speeded-up but I'm not really bouncing off the walls---the brain says GO while the body says NO, I'm happy tapping away on the laptop. I want to get out in the garden and dig in the dirt. I want to want to exercise. LOL.

I haven't stopped taking the nighttime meds as prescribed, I know I need to sleep. I've just cut back on the daytime ones because I want to feel something besides boring. I know my family thinks I'm boring. I want to be more exciting and someone they'll want to talk to. I want to feel like doing physical things instead of being a sofa spud like I am. Who knows, my SSDI is being reviewed and they may cut me off and what if I need to find a job?? I need energy to do that and I just feel that maybe I'm overmedicated. I've been very stable for the past couple of years but maybe the meds are too much now because I've lost so much weight. I don't know. I haven't told anyone what I'm doing, I'm only telling y'all because I know I can count on you to be non-judgmental. I forgot my nighttime meds a couple of times in the past couple of weeks and made the mistake of sharing that on my blog, and people just tore me a new one. It's OK if you disagree with what I'm doing, and I don't know if I'll keep doing it because I may actually get hypomanic. Or, maybe this is just hypomania lying to me. Or maybe I'm just a wuss who's afraid to try going off meds altogether, which I won't do, I promise. I know I'm rambling but you get it. Thanks.

I don't know why I can't reply. It's bringing me directly to your post to reply to your comments.

Anyhow I can totally relate right now. I miss my hypo mania moods. I'm going to ask my doc if she can decrease my mood stabilizer so maybe I can feel a little joy in my life. Even if I crash with depression its ok because I've been in deep depression for quite sometime. I feel boring too. No excitement for anything much. Hard to do the or even have a desire the things I use to do. Good luck on getting your disability. I've been on disability for about 6 years due to my Bipolar 2. I work only about 12 hours a week and would love to have someone to chat with. I get lonely and tend to isolate. I don't know if this is appropriate but here's my phone number if you want to text me at 360-984-1873. I live in Oregon.

[Blueberrybook]

You know it's definitely not a good idea to mess with meds.

However, I have done it too. Worse, I was misdiagnosed with major depression for a long time, so I still have bottles of anti-depressants lying around. Also, there have been times my pdoc has put me on ADs short-term when my depression is bad; though she never leaves me on them very long and always made me come in for appointments more frequently when she has me on them.

So I will get it into my mind that I want more energy, more drive or creativity and experiment with my meds too, especially not taking my major meds for BP. And anyway, I always enjoy being hypomanic/manic to depression/numbness on some level, so I don't want to stop it until it is completely out of control and messing up my life and has even my husband (who doesn't like me being on psych meds much) telling me to call my pdoc ASAP (of course, I never tell him I'm experimenting with my medication).

I haven't read all the responses to this post, but my advice is to call your pdoc and let him/her know what is going on and get an appointment ASAP. Trazodone never made me manic either, just gave me a hungover feeling the next day, lasting longer the larger the dose.

[SparkySmart]

I've read that SSDI can be withdrawn or denied if a patient doesn't adhere to "reasonable recommendations" made by the caregiver. I've never applied, so I'm no expert, but this seems possible. For example, a patient is recommended to use crutches but chooses not to because they're unattractive or cumbersome, or he wants to go dancing and crutches get in the way, or his family just finds them inconvenient, and, as a result, his disease progresses. As my pdoc says, "I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped."

I mean, I experiment with meds, too, so I get it, but I don't do it in secret...and there's a risk that when I re-start meds, they won't work as well (or at all), or the condition has progressed and requires reevaluation. My physicians know exactly what I'm taking at all times and are quick to respond if I display mood lability. Also, my experience with bipolar (45 years, since age 20) is that I have sustained periods of high function -- once 2 years long! -- in between crises and hospitalizations, so for me the risk is worth it. I also take feedback very seriously, including internet feedback. How on earth would my pdoc know how to treat me if I'm in a crisis and can't communicate (and this has happened before), and he has no idea that I've discontinued my daytime meds? IMO, I owe it to myself and my loved ones to manage my condition responsibly.

I hope you're doing better now!

[BipolaRNurse]

Actually, I am. I went back to my usual med regimen when I caught myself arguing politics on Facebook, which is ALWAYS a sign of mania for me. I also got a letter from Social Security notifying me that they're not going to review my case after all. I guess what I said about my ongoing problems was sufficient for them to decide not to contact my doctor at this time. Therefore, my benefits will continue indefinitely. What a relief that is...I was afraid I was going to have to start looking for work, and I wouldn't even know where to start because I've been out of the workforce for four years and can't go back to nursing. Now I don't have to worry about it. Thank God.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

Actually, I am. I went back to my usual med regimen when I caught myself arguing politics on Facebook, which is ALWAYS a sign of mania for me. I also got a letter from Social Security notifying me that they're not going to review my case after all. I guess what I said about my ongoing problems was sufficient for them to decide not to contact my doctor at this time. Therefore, my benefits will continue indefinitely. What a relief that is...I was afraid I was going to have to start looking for work, and I wouldn't even know where to start because I've been out of the workforce for four years and can't go back to nursing. Now I don't have to worry about it. Thank God.

I am so happy for you, that your case won't be reviewed, after all.

Arguing with people online is an outstanding sign of mania for me. BIG red flag.