Think I'm losing it.

Idk what to say from here. I'm actually thinking of getting my self checked into a psycheward. My family is on edge with me as it is with my moodswings getting worse. On top of today was a ****ed up day for me. Excuse lang. My anxiety was pretty high so I was up all night. Had vivid dreams again. They won't go away at all. I feel like they are getting worse. My sleep is rough. I haven't gotten much sleep. I keep yelling at my family, getting irritated, *****y, etc. I'm jumpy. I just spoke to my cousin who suffers from BPII as well. She said she's been there. Been in the hospital 9 times. I'm afraid I'll end up there. I just want my life back. I'm afraid to sleep. I've been confused during the day. My dreams are freaky. I've been worrying too much about my mental illness. Anxiety, bipolar, etc. I feel like a mess. I had a dream that was too realistic where I thought I was at Dave and Busters talking to an actual employee. And the room got big filled with College kids my anxiety got bad in the dream. I had to step out side in the dream. Then I keep seeing clowns in my dreams and keep dreaming about me having mood swing episodes. I wake up with a confused feeling asking my self wtf is happening to me. I feel like I need a friend right now. I feel like I'm becoming completely unstable. I'm having a hard time seeing. It's 11:10pm And I feel like I'm in a dream like state. I'm not sure if thats from the anxiety or not. I don't know what to do. I'm freaking scared that I feel like I'm losing my self. On top my thoughts rushing again. I refuse to go to the psycheward. Because I'm the type of person they would keep there permanently. I hate feeling down and negative. I hate my mood shifts. I don't want to end up like my cousin ending up in the psychward all the time. I heard my parents talking about me. They are getting sick of it. I feel like I'm bringing them down. On top of that if I went to the ward my parents would probably just leave me there. They aren't bad people. But the way things are turning out if this gets worse I might not have a choice because poor people like me can't afford help.

It’s very rare these days to be kept in a hospital permanently. Really, a hospital could only help at this point unless you have a pdoc already who could help you immediately. I usually only stay a week or so. And just because your cousin has been a lot doesn’t mean that’s your fate.

If you really feel like you’re becoming a danger the best thing to do is be assessed by a crisis team. Sometimes they don’t even recommend inpatient, maybe a partial hospital or IOP program If there’s one near you.

We care about you here and want you to stay safe!

Your family loves you. Please check in to a near by hospital. From there they'll determine the best course of action.

If need be, a 72 hours hold would be in effect.

I'll be your friend

I don't think I'm becoming a danger or a threat honestly. I just feel like I'm losing my self. Lack of sleep, stress, etc. I don't think my current meds "Depekote" are helping either. I feel a bit calm after taking them befofe bed. But i think they stopped helping all together. My proc refuses to prescribe meds anymore. He suggests I see my ps6but I can't wait that long. I have to wait 2 more weeks. Hopefully if another client doesn't show they can get me in. My pdoc don't do anything for my bipolar. I control my anger too if someone annoys me. I just feel like I need someone to talk to about all my problems. It's just sad when it gets bad to the point when your own family tells you to grow up and get over it and stop worrying. I can't just flick my finger over night and get better. I'd be rich. I just want to feel like my self again like I did 11 months ago when I didn't develop these hypomanic episodes. Plus living with someone who has bipolar as well doesn't help either "mom" yet she controls it. I'm pretty sure I saw her had a mild depressive episode but I left her alone cus I didn't want to upset her. And me having GAD with BPII don't help. I don't know if both can be treated. And I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to drive now. I was planning on getting my license. But I'm guessing my life is over. Tho my cousin had BPII worse than me. Should I be grateful that the majority of what she had didn't happen to me and get over it? And I'm not saying that In a mean way. I worry about my cousin too.

Sorry that's the problem. My family doesn't want me going to a ward. They think I'm being dramatic and say I won't last 10 minutes and think I'm seeking for attention because I always sound like I'm running my mouth to them. They think I'm full of it. I think I do a good job holding my frustration though. And I keep spacing out sometimes thinking wtf was I trying to say, etc. It blows. I have to visit my pdoc Monday but too afraid too. He thinks I'm full of it too.

I'm so sorry this is going on with you, but I do believe your pdoc has your well being as a priority. I also care a great deal what other people think of me, but there's light to it I guess, by thinking that they are not focusing on my life.

Peace friend

Armos. I am really, really sorry you're having such a rough go of it these days.

Here's the thing. You NEED to talk with a mental health professional ASAP.

If your income is low, you qualify for Medicaid.

If you go to your local ER they will help you and they will hook you up with Medicaid. You will get hooked up with the medical/psychiatric system.

From your posts, I kind of doubt they'll hospitalize you BUT if you are hospitalized, it will almost surely be for 72 hours, or less. And that would probably be a good thing, because you can talk to a pdoc and get on meds. Believe me, they won't keep you in the hospital for more than a few days because it's too expensive for the government or for any insurance plan to keep people hospitalized.

I realize that your family is not being supportive. That sucks, but you still need to take care of yourself.

I got medicaid. I'm seeing my counselor Monday. Thank you for the help. I love my parents don't get me wrong. But I think I'm annoying the heck out of them because they got their own problems they need to worry about. I'm also thinking of changing my current medicine because I think it's doing me more harm than good. I just made a new post so you guys can go a head and delete it. I just asked about my depekote. It's been 7 weeks so far that I've been on the new dosage. I feel like crap. 250mg twice a day. I felt like I was forgetting stuff too during the day and recently. Can my medication be causing most of my issues? Sorry if I'm being a problem. And I found out I have cognitive impairment disorder from my chart so idk if my meds are messing me up. I usually have pretty good memory. I havent slept well. Having a hard time concentrating being in the moment. So idk. Sorry guys. I would also talk to my doctor about my problems. But he looks at me like I'm some sort of hypocondriac. And doesn't take me seriously. He just blames anxiety yet I do have GAD. I don't feel like eating and sleeping. And I've been dehydrated been drinking allot of water. So my doctor and everyone else thinks I'm making my self sick worrying too much..