[Pookyl]

Doing ok although feeling a bit bombed. Hubby cooked a late breakfast for us and we sat out on the balcony until it got too hot.
Head feeling remarkably normal. Fingers crossed it lasts.

[pirilin]

Everything is under control. The enemy is controlling it.

[giddykitty]

I'm crying again. Just disappointed and frustrated in silly things now. Feels like a mixed episode because I was anxiously and energetically (with high irritation), doing chores this morning. Husband expects me to be relaxed then I need the time off. I'm mostly just disappointed my perfect writing atmosphere got ruined. It's not really his fault, yet it kinda is. Just realized I had to cook then so he wouldn't stress me about food now. But so why am I still stressed? That atmosphere is gone now and all I can do is cry in bed. I'm trying to calm down, but I just don't have the patience in me to try to start writing now to only be interrupted...husband can't help himself. He always has to bug me on weekends especially. I guess it's my fault because I'm so adorable. Ha! When I'm good, maybe I am. I'm just trying to see the bright side. We have good times, but I'm just always anxious about time, ya know? Can't sit and enjoy. Gotta go to work now. It's almost always like that. Sigh

Been away from the forums for a few days. Barely functioning.

BF was released from hospital. The usual is to transfer to a nursing facility for another month and a half (on account of IV antibiotics), but he managed to get them to release him to home. Which means every 8 hours around the clock, w/o fail, they must be administered (via pic line, no needles, omg!).

So that will be what my life revolves around for at least the next month and a half. Every 8 hours. My work schedule will need to be adjusted. It will be a PITA. And nope, he can't do it himself, and we don't have anyone else. If they had sent him to a nursing facility, I was seriously considering inpatient for myself. Now that is NOT an option. FML.

Yesterday morning I was really losing it. Very mixed stuff. Depressed soup but also very agitated. He got PO'd at me. Grrrr. I've done nothing but attentively care for his serious and rather demanding condition since AUGUST and that's what I get in return...

Between that and the situation where I can't get help because there is not already someone else to help me (don't get me started on unfairness of SS system), I honest to God don't know what the point is. I'm hopeless and there's no relief in sight. Seriously, FML.

I haven't been out of bed except as required for probably most of the last couple of months.

Sorry for the b**** and moan. Been escaping in a lot of dvds. TG for Mr. Robot...

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by Innerzone

Been away from the forums for a few days. Barely functioning.

BF was released from hospital. The usual is to transfer to a nursing facility for another month and a half (on account of IV antibiotics), but he managed to get them to release him to home. Which means every 8 hours around the clock, w/o fail, they must be administered (via pic line, no needles, omg!).

So that will be what my life revolves around for at least the next month and a half. Every 8 hours. My work schedule will need to be adjusted. It will be a PITA. And nope, he can't do it himself, and we don't have anyone else. If they had sent him to a nursing facility, I was seriously considering inpatient for myself. Now that is NOT an option. FML.

Yesterday morning I was really losing it. Very mixed stuff. Depressed soup but also very agitated. He got PO'd at me. Grrrr. I've done nothing but attentively care for his serious and rather demanding condition since AUGUST and that's what I get in return...

Between that and the situation where I can't get help because there is not already someone else to help me (don't get me started on unfairness of SS system), I honest to God don't know what the point is. I'm hopeless and there's no relief in sight. Seriously, FML.

I haven't been out of bed except as required for probably most of the last couple of months.

Sorry for the b**** and moan. Been escaping in a lot of dvds. TG for Mr. Robot...

Wow! This is a lot to endure.
Please take as much self-care as you can.

WC

[Unrigged64072835]

(((((Everyone)))))

Bought groceries for the week, did three loads of laundry, swept the kitchen and hallway, moved stuff out for husband to mop the kitchen, vacuumed living room and master bedroom. Would go to bed except I need to take a shower and cook spaghetti for dinner. Don't know if daughter or her boyfriend will be home so don't know how much to make.

Mood is tired with a side of ow.

[wildflowerchild25]

Feeling like trash. I slept until noon today, getting up at ten briefly to give my son breakfast. I only got up at noon because my son wanted lunch and my mom was going to be home from church soon and wonder why I was still in my pjs sleeping on the couch. Sometimes living with her is a plus even though I don’t think so.

I started getting depressed again yesterday. I woke up with no motivation even though I had wanted to work in my garden in the nice weather. I did briefly. I planted three hyacinths. That’s about as far as I got. I quickly went downhil as the day progressed until I ended up laying on the couch for three hours in the afternoon. I got increasingly worried about NV because I did not hear from him all day and convinced myself he had died or been in a horrible accident or was ghosting me or whatever other ******** I thought. Really he just had a busy day at work. Which I was trying to convince myself of knowing that was the most likely scenario but no, my brain was like **** you let’s have an anxiety attack instead.

I did go on a date with him, we went to the movies. We saw a quiet place, which was interesting and not usually a movie I would go see. I liked it but I wouldn’t watch it again. Just not my type of movie. We came back to my place afterward. It was nice. I felt better in his arms.

Now back to **** today.

I see what’s going on here. I had a month long PREDOMINATELY hypomanic episode where I would be up for a few days, then horribly depressed for a couple, wash rinse repeat. Now I am in a predominantly depressed episode where I will be normal and/or up for a couple of days before dropping back down. That’s perhaps even crueler. Maybe it will only last for a month. Maybe the lamictal will help. I take my last dose of 25mg tonight and then increase to 50mg. Looong way to go. Pdoc appt on Tuesday and then again may 1. I hope my insurance is covering all this. I already know I’m going to get a huge bill from IOP. And possibly from IP.

At least I ate today. Ate trash (not literally) but I ate. Not sure about dinner. Not hungry right now but it’s only what, 3pm? Something like that.

I was listening to my depressed playlist but it was making things worse so I switched to rock. Moderately better because the songs are more hopeful.

[Faltering]

I've been doing a lot better since I started Latuda. I've stayed out of the hospital. Since the weather is starting to change, I've recently noticed a change in mood. Spring tends to induce mania. I've been having aggressive thoughts and my senses have been heightened. Today I suddenly became angry and lost control of my behavior. I see my pdoc next month. I might need a med adjustment.

4 weeks + 3 days

In the middle of a storm here and glad to be inside and cozy. Beginning to relax about my diet. The hardest part is behind me. Went to bed at 6:30pm yesterday evening. Didn't fall asleep for a few hours but feel less tired today. Only slept til 6:00am but i guess that is the new normal for a few months. Enjoying the peace and privacy of my home. Hugs, Jane.

[wildflowerchild25]

Slept for two more hours 😩😩😩

Finally dragged myself up to make a lazy dinner (heating up prepackaged food). Going to make a real dinner tomorrow but only because I’m putting it in the crockpot. I have to prepare it tonight thought and I’m not feeling it.

Wish me luck. Right now I’m lying in bed again with my son next to me. Not sleeping at least.

Edit: ah **** I also have to fold my laundry and take a shower. So much effort when all I wanna do is go back to bed

[downandlonely]

I had a decent day today. Not looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow though. I need to do laundry.

I've been non-compliant with my meds for a few days, and I decided tonight that I was going to make things right. Well, that ended in a horrible failure. I just finished vomiting 3 times. (I haven't vomited in the past 20 minutes... *knock on wood*) Not sure how I'm supposed to take medications when they make me nauseous and lead to vomiting.

I really was feeling perfectly fine until I took my medications. I mean, it wasn't until I took them that I started feeling nauseous and then vomited 3 times.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I've been non-compliant with my meds for a few days, and I decided tonight that I was going to make things right. Well, that ended in a horrible failure. I just finished vomiting 3 times. (I haven't vomited in the past 20 minutes... *knock on wood*) Not sure how I'm supposed to take medications when they make me nauseous and lead to vomiting.

I really was feeling perfectly fine until I took my medications. I mean, it wasn't until I took them that I started feeling nauseous and then vomited 3 times.

Wow. And you took them before without vomiting?


WC

[wildflowerchild25]

I didn’t get dinner for tomorrow or my Landry done. I just can’t handle it. I did wash my hair. So at least one thing.

NV isn’t answering my texts and that just upsets me more. Of course depression is telling me he’s not interested anymore. That’s (probably) not true. I don’t know why I thought starting a relationship while hypomanic was a good ****ing idea. I knew I’d crash. But obviously we don’t think things through when hypomanic now do we?

Plans for the rest of the night: lie here with my eyes closed until I fall asleep. Which could be awhile seeing as I slept all day and I misplaced my melatonin. If I’m not asleep by ten I’ll take a trazodone. I’d just rather avoid it because it makes me tired the next day.

I can’t even get out of bed to charge my laptop. It will be dead tomorrow and I won’t be able to work. And I don’t even care, not even a little bit, not even at all. Isn’t that a line from something?

[giddykitty]

^ I was thinking of trying the prescribed trazadone tonight myself to see how I react to it before a night I really need it, but I can't ever seem to commit considering my fear of being drowsy. I mean, it might make me more depressed or I could sleep all day, but that might not be good either if I can't keep up with all my work. But I'm really tired and ...well I just would rather try it sooner than later. Or maybe ill hold off to a weekend. Damn just so much anxiety and that is really exhausting, ya know?!

[wildflowerchild25]

I haven’t fallen asleep yet despite the trazodone. I’m having serious self harm and suicidal thoughts. Depressive thoughts running rampant through my mind. I put my weighted blanket on and took 1mg Ativan to calm me. I don’t know what I’m going to do about waking up in the morning or getting through work.

Possible trigger:

the only reason I’m not cutting myself right now is because I promised NV I would not weeks ago. We are intimate so he would definitely see and I don’t know what would happen. But I’m desperate for some relief.

I hate this. I was so happy and now I’m so low. Why do we have to deal with this illness. I need relief. I need a happy ****ing ending, an ending to this ********.

I wish I could talk to NV but I don’t want to scare him away with my intensity.

[Guiness187055]

Can't fall asleep again. I took 2mg of klonopin 30mg of restoril and 50mg of doxepin. Nothing FML

[bizi]

I need to go to bed....have been on line for 3 hours. I did get one load of laundry done.
sigh
bizi

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Guiness187055

Can't fall asleep again. I took 2mg of klonopin 30mg of restoril and 50mg of doxepin. Nothing FML

Samesies. 100mg trazodone 1mg Ativan. Still a ****in wake.

[bizi]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Samesies. 100mg trazodone 1mg Ativan. Still a ****in wake.

trazadone never helped me sleep.
since I have added melatonin I am sleeping better.
I buy the 3mg extended release from my pdoc.

coming on 4 hours on line...
sigh
bizi

I'm intrigued by the girl at the pharmacy. She keeps smiling at me, for no reason. They're all nice to me, but she lights up when she sees me.

I wanted to tell her that she looks good without glasses but I chickened out and asked one of the other girls to tell her from me.

Let the self loathing commence. To make matters worse, my doc gives me slow release meds. I'm so tempted to start crushing again, but these are weak opis

[emgreen]

Originally Posted by 2ISAB

Let the self loathing commence. To make matters worse, my doc gives me slow release meds. I'm so tempted to start crushing again, but these are weak opis

Why the self-loathing? You were sending along a compliment...I'm sure she took it as such. As far as the opis go, don't go there. If I recall correctly, you know where that train stops!

Originally Posted by emgreen

Why the self-loathing? You were sending along a compliment...I'm sure she took it as such. As far as the opis go, don't go there. If I recall correctly, you know where that train stops!

Yep I sure do, thanks. These are only schedule IV so there's no real reason to abuse them, but my addictive personality has always got in the way of proper care.....

Self control is paramount to a successful pain management thingy. It's all a test, says my paranoia haha

But it's truly not the same.

As for the self loathing, when my mind isn't sharp in talking to people who I like, like remembering something so important like a major fashion change.

Anyways, one of the hospital docs said I was extra sensitive or something like that.sensations which brings us to the medication.

Happy days

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by bizi

trazadone never helped me sleep.
since I have added melatonin I am sleeping better.
I buy the 3mg extended release from my pdoc.

coming on 4 hours on line...
sigh
bizi

I lost my melatonin. I guess I’ll hVe to buy more tiday.

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Wow. And you took them before without vomiting?


WC

Yeah. It might be withdrawal vomiting, though. Sometimes I vomit if I've been off my meds for too long. Then it's really difficult to get back on track since it's hard to hold down meds when you're constantly vomiting.

I ended up with 5 hours of sleep last night and I'm not tired. I'm inclined to say that I'll probably become manic soon.

I don't want to go back to my 4mg of Rexulti, though. I remember my pdoc saying that it's not safe to go back on your current dose of Rexulti if it's been out of your system for 3 or more days. And well, last night was the 3rd day.

I actually tried calling the office during after hours emergency service last night to see what I could do about the vomiting and to see what I should do about the rexulti. They said they couldn't help me because I don't have a pdoc. (Not sure what that's supposed to mean. I may have to take to my therapist again to see if she can do something.) So now I'm just going to start from scratch at 0.5mg and hope nothing bad happens, because it's better to be safe with 0.5mg than it is to risk 4mg. Though I have my intake appointment this Wednesday. I don't think much can happen between now and then.