[korafrancesca]

I'm not depressed or suicidal.

I just feel that life has been and is too much for me. The stresses of dealing with the illness while trying to work and live life is too much and the future looks so bleak. I have no more hope, no more spirit. Whereas before I was such a determined young woman.... went to an Ivy League school, prestigious grad school, worked for tech startups.

But now it's been about a decade of this fight and I am spent. There's been too much disappointment and pain. I am spent. I feel like I am already dead inside. Everyday I come home from work and just lay in bed for twelve hours until I have to go to work again. Nothing interests me anymore, not even something like reading a book or television because they are all about people whose lives are normal, who have things and relationships I don't see myself ever having again. I can't get myself to do anything that takes effort. I just want relief from this world.

Can I still come alive? Have you come alive again somehow if you've felt this way?

[pirilin]

For what is worth, I was in a deep depression for three long years. I lost the will of living.
This forum did wonders to help me thru when I even lost my friends (my fault).
I had a change in medication, basically a reduction and one SSRI, Paxil.
I was always reluctant to take one. Tried everything under the sun avoiding them. Mainly from what I heard. The horror stories.
One day, I'm thinking and realize that I'm living the horror trying to avoid it.
What I'm a going to lose if I try one?. Absolutely nothing. That's exactly what I was. Nothing.
So I stopped wellbutrin and decided to try an SSRI. Paxil and my mindset changed the situation.

I dare to say that I'm happy. I have new interests. I went back to my old friends and picked on my old hobbies.
People didn't abandon me. I abandoned them. I didn't want them to see me so sick.
They all new what was going on, but were respecting my position.
Sometimes we are worth more to people that we realize.

Two sudden death of friends reunited us again. Life is funny. It has really misterious ways.
Your time will come to shine again. And looking back you will regret the time lost. At least I do.
Yes, there is a come back. Yes, your life will change for the better. Just hang in there and don't let it get worse. That's enough for now.

If is not worse is has to be a little better. Take baby steps towards insignificant things. Like nature. Not judging, just observing. You have a place in this world. That's why you are here. It's a matter of time. Good luck.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm so sorry. I have felt this way too. I started off so promising. I graduated valedictorian of my high school class, graduated summa cum laude with a B.S. in Microbiology (grades better than many pre-med students in my major) from one of the largest universities in Texas, making straight A's and only one B in Physics II. I went to graduate school and got an M.S. in Cell & Molecular Biology, a less prestigious school, but the department was still well thought of. I published a couple of scholarly articles in pertinent journals, one of them being a first name article.

After graduate school, my life fell apart.

Well, in truth, I had anorexia and anxiety in college and was diagnosed with major depression then. When you have an obvious eating disorder, it seems to trump all in getting help for your mental illness and also the right diagnosis (bipolar vs. major depression).

In graduate school, I was paid peanuts and didn't have insurance. I had to go to a state-run county system that had pay on a sliding scale, and they put me on about every drug under the moon. For about 10 years, I was on anti-depressants, and really, I feel like they messed up the wiring in my brain, and I will never be that person who graduated first in her high school class ever again.

I got pregnant quickly once my husband and I tried. He has a Ph.D. in Physical Chemistry and at the time had a great-paying job at NASA (which of course was downsized). I tried working 2 or 3 times and nearly every time ended up in a psych hospital with depression, mania, or panic disorder. My pdoc finally straight out told me taking care of the house and our daughter (she's got a ton of sensory issues) and not working was what she felt was best for me. She was a good pdoc; I saw her for 10 years, she never did lie to me about anything. Now, my husband had trouble finding work, being overs-qualified for most jobs and can't get an "in" in the university world because his university let him graduate with a Ph.D. and no first author publications except for his thesis. In the university world, it's publish or persish. So now he teaches high school. Finances are tight. It doesn't pay much at all, our insurance is horrible, and I feel so guilty that I cannot work and contribute to the household income. I haven't worked in over 10 years. And, of course, his income as a teacher puts us above poverty level and I don't qualify for any national or state aid programs for health care or mental health or anything even though BPD is considered a disability. Believe me, I have tried time and again to get government help, and there is nothing to be had for me.

I am not suicidal, but I have had similar thoughts to yours. Sometimes, I feel it was just be best if I didn't wake up from sleep, or I'll find myself thinking, "What is the point? Wouldn't my husband and daughter be better off without me?" I find myself feeling pointless and like a weight upon our household, one costing a ton of money with all the pdoc visits and medications and not even contributing much at all.

Sigh...but sometimes, sometimes, I get on a med combo that makes me fell better and even at times stable. I know it is possible for me because I have had it happen (even if just for brief periods), even if it often feels out of reach. I just pray for that stability and know things don't always have to be so bad.

Have you talked to your pdoc recently about your feelings? When do you see the doc next? BTW, I'm been in the mental health system 20 years. I wish I could say it gets easier, but honestly, it hasn't for me. It's not just BPD; it's life too - deaths, parenting, traumatic issues, ugh!

[korafrancesca]

Cln1812, thanks for sharing your story. I can definitely relate given what high hopes I had for myself and how sorely they were disappointed.

For me it is the struggles with work that are the toughest to deal with. I can't be fully independent without work going well and can't move forward with my life. Right now I'm about to quit a job in California - I've gotten two raises in the past year but I've also been manic/depressed multiple times. Working for me is just a lot of suffering and you can only withstand suffering for so long even if your boss hasn't noticed.

I'm sure you mean a lot to your husband and daughter though---it's a role only you can fulfill.

[Fuzzybear]

things will get better.

I know you don't see it now, but they will.

things will be better

hugs..

You know, life is what it is. Sure top of the class, honor student, talented, but a few years in college life crashed.

I can either morn what shoulda been...the dream...or accept life as is and deal with it from there.

Then I got hit with a whammy: a multiple personality disorder type thing.....but...keep going. Life is to live regardless of flavor, sometimes sour sometimes sweet.

I gave up on expectations long time ago because expectations kills.

I hope you find your drive.

[amicus_curiae]

I battled depression and psychosis for 16-years. 16 long, long years. A couple of years ago I just kinda snapped back into the present and though I’m not gonna say that all is rosy... I’m better, in many ways.

I really messed up two years in the five years that it would have taken for my PhD. I, too, was an Ivy League student, Cambridge four years followed. I skeedattled back to the states and got my SJD. I did get my masters from King’s College but I wasted those two years chasing a PhD. Numerous reasons to feel time wasted.

I had those times. I’ve never been suicidal but I’ve had those times when I lacked the energy to engage the world with my life. With my severe agoraphobia, I still hesitate.

I’ll be seeing a real MD/shrink each week for 3-4 months (at least). I like her (first impression, yesterday). I think — yeah, pretty sure; I think that I do best when I feel like I’m participating in being ‘some kind of better.’ If that makes sense?



***that’s unexpected***

[bpforever1]

I also was a high-achiever until I became ill. Once ill, I came to terms with my illness yet my parents could not for a long time. With an illness, I managed to graduate from a professional graduate program but could not use the degree. It was a complete waste of money. I now teach and am happy. My parents expected me to become a surgeon but those days are long gone. I am happier now that I am doing what I can to survive on my own. I don't earn much and keep to myself. I am satisfied with myself despite how my parents see me. I have known other Ivy league graduates who think that more is expected from them. I think the pressure of getting into an Ivy League must have been tough. I understand your feelings of inadequacy because you are comparing yourself to other graduates from Ivy League colleges. I stopped comparing myself to others a long time ago. I am happier with myself. I try to do my best still within my capacity. I would not worry too much what others are doing but worry more about what you can do. This matters more not only for your self-esteem but also your own expectations. I am at the age where people have mid-life crises and try to find themselves again. I believe I found myself and am satisfied with my life. I hope you find yourself too and gain satisfaction from what you can do.

[cool09]

I've been sick 40 years and I managed to drag myself thru college and work. Those weren't quality years at all. I failed at every job I had: from engineer to cleaning offices. But I have hope I'll get thru this somehow. I couldn't do it without my father's support.

[Rose76]

With all due respect for your self-knowledge, I think you really are depressed.

[Unrigged64072835]

I didn't do well at school. I served in the military for 22 years and worked in Civil Service after that until my meltdown in 2012. Since then I've struggled and it weren't for disability I would be homeless by now.

It sucked because I was almost at a 6-figure paycheck, married a sweetheart of a man, and thought I stopped the MI whirligig.

Even now with 1 ½ years of stability there was no way I can go back and do that job. I have to go to an entry-level job, and despite my decorated career I couldn't complete a college degree. I'm going back to school at 52 to complete another Associate's (my first degree can be used as something to start a fire). I don't even have the GI Bill so it's all out of pocket.

But I know my life is worth living. I have a Web site with a few followers and people like my poetry. I can laugh and smile with my family. My daughter is also going to school and working part-time. My husband has also "retired" (he has MS and can't do stressful work). If I offed myself my family would be really devastated.

So to answer your question--yes you can reinvent yourself, reinvent your life, create a new normal for yourself. Don't compare yourself to anybody. Figure out what you want to do with your life, what makes you happy. Go from there.

[korafrancesca]

Rose76... You were right, I think I was depressed after all. Sometimes I can't tell because it's been so long since I've felt normal.

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by korafrancesca

Rose76... You were right, I think I was depressed after all. Sometimes I can't tell because it's been so long since I've felt normal.

That's a good start. And - yes - you can come alive again. I was there feeling like I had just had it with everything. First I went to a psychiatrist and a T. No real progress. The I asked myself: "What can I change?" That was the golden key.

You need to change something. I don't mean your "belief system" or who you are. You probably can't change those things much . . . not in the short term. Those might be long-term goals. When I've gotten really down to where my life seemed futile and like I couldn't go on - I found that what I most needed was not psychotherapy, but to make some concrete change in my life circumstances. When I was at that point, I knew I hated my job and where I was living. I quit the assignment I was on, and I started really looking for a different place to live. Doing those two things took guts. I was close to broke.

That was me. I don't know your situation. Maybe it's so different that my experience won't apply to you. But here's something I learned. Psychotherapy can be a very, very slooooww process. I had a good therapist I respected. But she was offering long-term care, when I felt like I needed Emergency Room care. I didn't need to be hospitalized because I felt totally rational and in control. But something had to change and change soon. Otherwise, I really couldn't see just going on. I don't think doctors and therapists do all that effective a job at differentiating between how much distress is caused by chronic issues and how much is connected to something that can be changed NOW. They want to focus on deep, longstanding problems. That's all well and good . . . if you survive long enough to reap the benefits. From how you sound, I would say what circumstance could you change now? Could you possibly leave your normal environment and go visit someone for a week?

[Rose76]

Also: I think you need a relationship.

At my low spot, described above, I moved and switched jobs. That didn't change me being alone, but those changes enormously helped. Life became bearable. Then, oddly enough, in my new neighborhood, I met someone.

Being bipolar doesn't mean you don't have other problems. I think you are chalking all your despair up to that. I'ld look elsewhere. There are bipolar individuals who are happier than you are.

It's a mind trap we set for ourselves when we attribute our despair to something that we see as permanent. Then, of course, despair makes sense.

There is way more we can change than we like to believe. Rejecting that is our excuse for why our life can't possibly be better.

[Loose Screw x 2]

I've been where you are more times than I can count. It's ultimately up to you whether to give up or not but, I'll tell you what you can expect if you do give up.
You will either continue to get worse and feel worse or if you have any kind of meaness or hidden anger in you then, you will likely become pessimistic, cold and cruel. Nothing will matter save for that which you desire and the feelings and hardships of others will mean much less to you if at all.
That's where I am right now in a sense but, because my mind houses a few caring personalities I or we are still capable of showing genuine concern for others in need. On my own I seem to be okay but, I'm not. I'm just pretending to be okay. It's not a fun way to be. Believe me when I say that you don't want to come down this road.
As pointless as it seems and as painful as it is to give it another try, it is better than being down here, in the darkness.
"Good luck" if you believe in that sort of thing.