Existential Crisis

I've been bipolar for a long time. I was dx'd when I was 19 and a college freshman, but I've had it since adolescence.

I've always felt different from others, locked out of society, an outsider. It's a very lonely existence. I have people that I love who love me back, friends and family, but I still feel like no one truly understands me. It's so frustrating and lonely.

I don't even know what I feel anymore. My mood is low but my mind is overactive. I keep thinking about what the purpose of my life here on earth is, or of anyone's life, really. I'm a med student and most of the time I love it. I went to med school to be a psychiatrist, but I was surprisingly pleased to find out that I like the internal medicine bit quite a lot too...

I know I'm gonna stay in med school and be a physician but I feel like I can't be myself in this career. Like there will be this expectation to function perfectly, to be a role model of stability, to act like I've never been sick or wounded myself.

In a way, I feel like to be an effective (or at least respected) physician, I will have to give up part of my humanity and be like a machine.

25% of med students and physicians are depressed, but it's not talked about. It's very hush-hush. No understanding for mentally ill doctors, especially not from other health professionals.

I've been having mild auditory hallucinations. I keep thinking that my roommate is talking to me when he isn't. It doesn't bother me but it is a sign that something isn't quite right.

I feel dissociated. Like I'm not real, the world is not real to me right now. And I feel like at this point I could do whatever I wanted but I have no desire to do anything.

I have an exam tomorrow that I haven't been studying for. I don't need to pass it, I just have to show up and take it, so it shouldn't be too detrimental. I just feel like I can do everything later, when I feel better.

I feel like I can't talk to anyone here. The other med students may be struggling too, but they are also caught up in this culture of silence. My roommate/best friend doesn't understand it. I feel I have no one I can go to with this.

My therapist is great, but she struggles from really bad anxiety herself and it is obvious in our sessions. 2 weeks ago I told her some of what I was going through and she looked really panicked. I don't want to overwhelm her with my emotional toxins so I can't really tell her anything.

Big hugs! I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying.

Sorry that you're having a rough time.

In a way you do have to wear a mask as a health care professional. Patients are going to look to you as being calm and steady, even if you have horrible news.

You also need your therapist to take rein of her emotions. You're paying her to work with you on your issues. If she's being triggered by you, you may need to find another therapist.

Nice to see you again. I'm sorry you're struggling and have nowhere to turn. Do you have a pdoc you can call? My T's always looked panicked when I'm unwell. Maybe you're worse off then you think.

Thanks for the support, guys.

I had to cancel my therapy appt for tomorrow; I have an obligation for school that conflicts. I asked her if I could reschedule for later tomorrow or Friday; hopefully that will work because I feel like crap right now, lol.

I have a pdoc but he is literally in another country. I thought about going to see a local psychiatrist but I don't want to have to take more meds. I stopped taking my risperdal a few months back, and I feel like they would just tell me to go back on it since I was stable most of the time while I was on it. I just really don't like antipsychotics, and part of me is proud of myself for functioning without them, even if the price is misery.

I just want to feel better and to feel hopeful again. Part of it is exacerbated by drama happening in my personal life. My roommate/best friend/ex partner and I haven't been getting along so well. He is emotionally abusive and manipulative, and I am too passive to stand up for myself. I hate him for treating me like that, and I hate myself for allowing myself to be treated that way. And to top it off, I have to see him with his new girlfriend. He shows her so much more affection than he ever showed me. It's painful but I am glad that I am no longer involved with him like that, since I have seen the nastier side of him. Still so hard though.

I feel so alone in the world, like I will never connect to others on either a deep friendship or romantic level. Sigh

Taking an AP is not a sign of weakness. If you need it, you need it. Med school is an extremely stressful and destabilizing experience, even for someone without any prior history. Please take care of yourself! And you deserve better that your current friend/living situation. Hope you can move soon.

It's. good to see you again, Secretum!
You shouldn't have to hold back with your therapist on account of their issues. It's not fair on you. I'm sorry for all that is going on and that you feel you can't really talk about it. Can you get a new T? Also, how about a new roommate? That sounds like a very uncomfortable situation...
I agree with Nola -- nothing wrong with taking an AP. What helps you is what's important.

Although I’ve never been a med student, I can relate to quite a bit of what you’ve posted. Maybe if your therapist is triggered, another therapist would be more helpful. A “culture of silence” sucks (I can relate to being.. made.. to be silent)