[bpforever1]

I feel really sleepy and have been sleeping. I wanted to study my Japanese but for now I will sleep. I feel ok. I wish I were more energetic. I will go out tomorrow and try to enjoy the day. I am feeling lethargic due to sleepiness.

Sorry to hear that, Lacuna. I hope you are eventually able to use your arm and leg. My aunt had a stroke and it was not an easy ride, but physical therapy helped after a while.

I hope you can fight your insurance over the heart surgery. It seems strange that they wouldn't approve a life saving surgery. I mean, without heart surgery, who knows what could've happened.

If they won't approve it after fighting it, what about getting financial aid from the hospital? When my grandma was in the psych ward, we applied for a charitable grant and got it. The grant covered 100% of the cost.

[Wander]

Day 5 IP. Started Brintellix (an antidepressant) three days ago and bounced right back yesterday. Today I’m flatter though. Still, no suicidal thoughts in two days. Am tapering off Pristiq too. My pdoc wants me to have TMS again and see the IP Psychologist to help me manage strong emotions. Not sure why as I have a great outpatient T but I guess more help can’t be bad. Pdoc doing everything to help me. I think I freaked him out by how serious I was about killing myself. Just over 24 hours After taking my new antidepressant I suddenly got the will to live back and was laughing again. Really weird experience to change so dramatically so swiftly. The nurses and my pdoc seem even more concerned since I have switched.
TMS goes on for weeks so I have asked to do most of it outpatient as I need to get back to work and Life in general. Pdoc wants me IP for a while longer. He doesn’t think I’m safe at all. TMS will be a drag as it goes on for 6 days a week for over a month. It will be worth it if it gets and keeps me stable.

[bpforever1]

I'm doing ok. I did some Japanese and wrote an essay. I feel tired still and will relax now.

[Rainbow Child]

I’m really nervous about today’s appointment with my psychiatrist. I fear I won’t be able to properly explain my most recent and current issues to the extent that she can best understand and help me.

[giddykitty]

So I'm going through my old notes, emails with the therapist, and what records I have of when I started and stopped meds (it's a little messy, but I've gotten most of it in order). Anyway, the emails in particular lining up with my use of the Zoloft (Sertraline). Well, it makes me sound a little bit hypomanic. Actually, I was high in one of my letters. Not sure if that's a bad thing. Certainly better than being this grump I've been lately. But it's making me wonder if I'm making the right choice in taking it again (with doctor's supervision). It's a low dose, so I suppose I'm worrying over nothing. I guess I just don't want to get into any trouble or anything. Happy makes me a bit chatty and say things I wouldn't normally say. I think. Meh, it's those things you always wished you'd say, except that once you've said them, sometimes you wish you could take them back. It's all dependent on your company. I'm in a position much of the time where I don't really trust those feelings or thoughts with the people I'm with. also, I was in a position of trusting folks and I got burned, so I'm twice as cautious...but this might make me impulsive again. ehh.
We will see.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

Originally Posted by LacunaCoiler

I had occupational therapy for my arm today. I was so defeated because I thought it really wasn't that bad and it was just a little weakness and numbness in my arm that would eventually come back. After all the tests I was soo tired and realized I can't do Shat with that arm/hand. I feel so defeated because I can't even do simple things that a 5 year old could easily do.

There was this test were you put little not round pegs (a circle with a stick sticking out the side) in different holes where the stick was in different directions so you had to turn the peg to make it fit in the hole. I could barely pick up the peg and when I could/did I had trouble turning it so I could put it in. My arm hurt really bad and halfway through I was so frustrated with myself that I wanted to flip the table and say Frick it.

.

I'm an OT and if it helps at all that test is HARD. When we learned it in school I had a hard time with it and never used it (some places standarize what testing is used and some therapists like certain tests). But regardless, baseline testing is just that and it's meant to show your lowest point. It's all up from here and you've got a long time that your brain will be actively recovering. The fatigue is good; you want to feel like you worked but if you are exhausted every time it's too much and you should tell the therapist that.

Hoping your recovery goes well.

I'm having lunch with my friend who has told everyone of his cancer but me. I prepped hard, smoking a bowl and popping 20mg of Valium. My counterintelligence is best on drugs. I may post a recap later in the day.

Today's keyword is INTOXICANT.

[wildflowerchild25]

Physicalally I feel like **** today. Sore throat, cough, headache, all that Jazz. I went to urgent care for a strep test and she said it was late season allergies making me feel ******. There may be some validity to that because I’ve been getting terrible sinus headaches for the last couple of weeks as well. So yeah. Maybe. Anyway I picked up some Claritin and Flonase. We’ll see how this goes.

Mentally though I’m ok again today. I’ve spent most of the day alone and it hasn’t bothered me as much as I thought it would, which is good. Prepping for when I’m alone all the time. My mom’s church friend took my son this afternoon so I can get some rest even though I’ve been resting all day, but I’m still thankful because he’s a lot to deal with when I’m sick.

So, nothing too new to report. Just checking in.

Pdoc at PHP says I'm mixed manic and another bump on the clozaril. At least I'm not psychotic anymore. I just want to scream!

[Blueberrybook]

Had a good day today. Spent a lot of time with my husband as my daughter was at day camp. I told him some things I'd been trying to hide (overspending-wise).

Feeling pretty good, a little tired.

[bewise93]

I took a xanax last night and it made me into a zombie. I'm in the process of being de-zombified. Hopefully everything will be back to normal by tomorrow.

[Unrigged64072835]

Been at hospital most of the day. Found out my PCM is leaving for a fellowship in August, so I will probably get a new resident. Joy. Meanwhile, the doc I saw didn't have a clue what the lump under my chin is either, so he's sending me to an ENT specialist next week. All I really need is a formal ultrasound...ugh! They're thinking a problem with a salivary gland though so we'll see. Picked up my Lipitor from last week and my husband got his blood pressure med. That took most of the afternoon, with us getting some small stuff and coming home in time to feed the cats. Made dinner and tried to chill out, but another of my daughter's friends is being stalked by an ex-girlfriend at where he works (and where the ex is also officially banned). My daughter went there with her boyfriend--no fighting thank goodness. Their mutual friend is also being harassed by his adoptive parents constantly that I wonder why he even stays there anymore. His parents are rich, though, and he was promised a car (that I now doubt he will get). We already have enough drama but we also promised my daughter that our house would be a safe space for them. They have learning and emotional issues, or are LGBTQ, so we get that. Plus my daughter is like a group mom, so she asks me a lot on how to help them. It's cool to see them band together.

Thankfully I see regular T tomorrow and that's it. If the room stays cold I may crawl back into bed.

Mood is good but I am TIRED...

[Scooter9]

Another down day today. No excessive eating but I slept a lot.

My pdoc has little to say about my new lithium level (1.11) - other than that she hopes things improve soon so that I can enjoy what's left of the summer. Not exactly confidence boosting.

[pirilin]

I need eBay closed down. OOB fast!!!. Spending my arse in tools now. I haven't use a tool in 30 years. It's good to be bipolor.

[hopeless2015]

I'm going to a second round interview tomorrow. Super nervous!

[bpforever1]

I'm sleeping a lot and not doing much. I will try to do the laundry today. I am so apathetic. I am taking my medication daily. The weather is gloomy too and is not helping my mood. I will try to prepare for my classes for next week too. I asked the man I met before to go out to the park on Sunday. But, he has not responded. I think he is busy. I don't know how he maintains his sanity with his work schedule. He works almost 14-15 hours on the weekdays. I feel bad for him. I hope he feels ok. I will be ok.

[bpforever1]

I'm going to a meeting tomorrow and will meet one of my pen pals. I look forward to meeting him since he has bipolar too. It should be interesting! I did my laundry and cleaned up the bathroom. I still feel sleepy and will rest until tomorrow.

My grandma is in hospice care as of yesterday. We thought her health was improving, but no... Also, she doesn't want to be hooked up to tubes and live artificially, or however you say it. It's in her will.

[Uniqbtrfly]

Good morning all!
Found a new kcup I am lovin!

Cinabun...following a keto lifestyle, I had a few pats of butter to it...yum!

[WildcatVet]

Just finished my first week on Latuda! Not feeling any relief yet, but I know I have to give it more time. The good news is no side effects either...just some mild nausea with the first dose and some ginger ale and soda crackers took care of that. Guess I shouldn't have taken it with 350 calories of loaded pizza!

[Scooter9]

Originally Posted by WildcatVet

Guess I shouldn't have taken it with 350 calories of loaded pizza!

Good that you made it through the first week The 350 calorie requirement is a pain - I just have my dinner and then take Latuda. The problem is that it makes me so drowsy that I'm asleep 1 1/2 hours after I take it, so I can't plan anything after dinner.

[dsmith]

Feeling lousy today, as usual. This week has been a big fat zero. I sent out a slew of job applications, for positions that
(a) I have little / no interest in, but cater to my interests
(b) Are well below my previous positions in terms of seniority and prestige
(c) Pay very little
(d) Are (hopefully) flexible in terms of location

Have had little to contact with the outside world. People complain about their jobs, saying "I hate the people I work with," or "it's so boring," or "I've been doing the same thing for 10 years." I'd trade places with them anytime. Since 2010 I haven't been able to hold down a job for more than 18 months.

I even tried to work for free. I spoke about this saga in the following forum post:
Wanting to SCREAM Pt. 1, 2, 3
https://forums.psychcentral.com/bipo...am-pt-1-a.html

I offered my services to this rinky-dink startup, and they essentially told me that "they didn't feel comfortable sharing their contacts with me," and "I was being too aggressive by asking repeatedly things they didn't give me (e.g., access to documents)." I walked away from that; I don't need to deal with kissing up to people who don't appreciate my services, especially when I'm not getting paid for it.

I've been unemployed for over 8 months now. I lack the motivation to apply for jobs, and am worried that I won't be able to hold onto one now.

I've been told, "this is a blank canvas, and your opportunity to paint your story." I don't laugh much these days, but that statement gave me a hearty chuckle.

People also tell me that my identity is too wrapped up in my career, and that I should appreciate what I have (health, family, etc.). Fair enough; I've been trying to reprogram my brain, practice meditation, gratitude, etc.

I'm so frustrated with my life right now. I've tried everything: making schedules, journaling, connecting with people who might be able to help me find direction, etc. Nothing seems to work.

I'm really losing patience, and my mind.

[Gabyunbound]

Have been taking the 1 mg of night klonopin (in addition to the morning one) as per my pdoc and I've had mixed results. It's helping me fall asleep, but then I've had fitful sleeps where I keep waking up.

But last night I was very tired and it passed me out really quickly and then I slept for some 15 hours. I needed it. I was so so exhausted.

My pdoc appointment was pushed up and I see her next week. I'm not sure how she will be able to help except to be a shoulder to cry on. She's very kind.

When I met with the social worker and my mother on Wednesday, she reneged on her promise to allow for home care. When I talked to her last night, she said she wants to have the meeting with the oncologists first. I'll bring it up with them, and if they agree, HOPEFULLY, then my hope is that, coming from doctors instead of me and her PT, she will take it seriously. I explained to her that, given her great fall risk and her osteoporosis (which can lead to fractures), if she were to fall and fracture something, she could end up in a skilled nursing facility and then become all the more weak. She said she knew this... It's very frustrating. It's her decision, but she needs homecare.

She has a history of depression (has taken Lexapro for years) and is depressed now. She lives alone (divorced for many decades) and doesn't like people in her house. She said she 'doesn't like people,' and, sadly, this is true.

She refuses to take the Xanax her PCP prescribed for her because she says it makes her feel only 'artificially' better. Ugh. She was a different person on it (the 1 time she took it) not irritable, positive, just a better version of herself. I think it would help her tremendously to take it, but she refuses.

I have the day off and will be just chilling on my own. Trying not to think of my mom. Her oncology appointment won't be until sometime next week (hopefully). I had been calling and calling about scheduling it, but when my mother saw her surgeon on Tuesday she was told it was taking time to go over all of her medical records to make recommendations. Unlike before, she's not worried about starting radiation asap. So I'll try not to worry too. Though they said it was an aggressive form of breast cancer and I believe she does need it asap. I keep contradicting myself.

My mother is someone who 'likes to like her doctors' and she's likely to take their advice. Especially if they have a sense of humor which is essential for her. So I'm hoping that if they recommend homecare, she will go for it.

If she does, it will be more time off from work because we will need to interview people, but it is what it is. I've explained to my boss the situation and she's been understanding (that I'll need a lot of time off and sometimes at the last minute). I'm fortunate in that.

But, again, I have a day off today and I'm just going to try not to worry and sit in front of the TV. Just have a TOTAL day off.

Thanks for the support I have received. It has meant so much to me!

[bewise93]

Doing well. A little depression but Prozac is kicking in. I started a schedule for things to do during the day. It helps so much, to be structured.