[Blueberrybook]

I really wish I could just wrap my daughter in a bubble, and she could be oblivious to all my psychiatric issues (she's 10 now). Poor thing, she wasn't even 3 months old before I started taking her to see my psychiatrist with me. Eventually, she grew to love going there because my pdoc also saw children, so there were always new toys around, but I was glad when my daughter started school, and I was able to stop bringing her to those appointments and having to talk around her. My pdoc was great; if I told her I had something I really wanted to discuss (out of the hearing of my daughter), she would call me at home, so I could talk to her about it on the phone.

It was maybe January of this year when my daughter said, "You take a lot of medicine, Mommy. Why do yo take so much medicine?" I told her I had something called bipolar disorder that could make me really sad or do stupid things like spend too much money. The money part she didn't get; she may be 10 years old, but she is a whiz at math, better, my husband says, than most of the 10th & 11th grade students he teaches physics to. For her, math and money is simple. If you don't have the money, you don't spend it.

Earlier today, when I was cooling off after a walk, I had on just a sports bra & panties. I was sitting up to drink water, and my daughter saw me. She said, "Mommy, why can I see all the bones in your spine?" I told her that I needed to gain weight but didn't go into any detail beyond that. I suppose in another few years, I will talk to her more about eating disorders. The one time I tried, she was aghast and said, "Why would anyone do that to themselves?!" I told her someone had touched me in private places, and it caused me problems, re-iterating the importance of her telling me if she is ever touched inappropriately. In a few years or so, I will show her some of the pictures taken near my low weight. I don't own any photographs of me at my absolute lowest (those were the days before smart phones & digital cameras), but even the 2 or 3 I have near that time period are still very disturbing.

I hate that my daughter is gaining more & more of an awareness of my problems. Well, I knew I'd never be able to hide them from her forever and despite her having tons of sensory issues, she is very, very bright. For the 2nd year in a row, she scored a 100% on the state math assessment test (STAAR), missed one question in reading (and it was a confusing question; they had the exam with the choices online), and scored a 97% in writing. She has never gotten less than an "A" in school, and usually wins a medal in the annual school U.I.L. math Number Sense competition, which is mental math; the contestants can only write down their answers, no work allowed to be written at all. It's a tough competition; I used to compete in that one in high school.

I hope at some point she will understand some, but in the meantime, I feel like she's been dealt an absolute dud as a mother. I don't work because of the BPD, so we have money issues. I don't like driving on busy roads or freeways, so I never take her into downtown Houston into the museum district. They've got some good museums, and there are days with free family admission. Some afternoons, I'm so tired, I have to take a nap. Other times, I'm moody & snappy without a reason. I have trouble keeping house. I hate to cook & rely on a lot of frozen stuff for meals. Sometimes, I just feel like such a failure as a mom It makes me feel awful about myself. I mean, in other countries, war is ongoing. Women and girls don't have the right to go to school or read. People struggle for food, for clean water to drink. People struggle with horrible physical illnesses like cancer. I have none of these problems, but often I can't see through my own issues and appreciate what I do have - a loving husband, a brilliant daughter, a home (for now anyway), family that while they may not be rich will help if need be, a good relationships with both my sisters and my mother.

[wildflowerchild25]

Oh, I SO relate!!! I just had this conversation with my seven year old today. He asked what all my medicine was for and I said I had a brain disease called bipolar that made me really happy sometimes and really sad other times. I told him that’s why I go to the hospital sometimes, because I need more help for my brain. He sort of understood.

I just feel so awful sometimes though, just like you said. I nap a lot and I don’t play with him as much as I should or could. He’s an only child so he only has me to play with. Even if my husband hadn’t died I couldn’t have another one. I wouldn’t be able to go off medication to be pregnant for nine months. I would probably have to be hospitalized the whole time so I didn’t hurt myself. And there’s no way I could deal with a newborn again. My son hardly ever slept. I would go crazy.

I too hate cooking. He eats peanut butter sandwiches most days, or hot dogs, mac n cheese, spaghetti. I maybe cook from scratch once a week. And even then I rely on frozen or canned veggies and boxed sides. We go out to eat a lot. McDonald’s is our go to place which I know is terrible health wise but sometimes it’s all I have the patience for. I’m ok at keeping things clean but he’s terrible at it. His room is a total wreck and I have no energy to make him clean it.

He’s likely going to be diagnosed with ADHD and possible sensory issues and it’s so overwhelming to me to think of all of his possible needs in the future. Like will I have to request an IEP? What about a 504 plan? Will he grow to hate school? Will I have to medicate him? I so wish my husband were still alive just so I could at least have someone to help me with all this.

So anyway I’m totally with you. I have no advice I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone at all.

And I bet in the eyes of our children we are the best moms ever no matter what

[downandlonely]

I admire you for having kids while dealing with mental illness. I decided quite a while ago that I would never have biological children for fear of spreading the mental illness that runs rampant in my family. For a while I wanted to adopt, but now I realize that I don't have the energy for that either. I don't think I could ever go off meds long enough to be pregnant and breastfeed. It's amazing what you do!

[Victoria'smom]

My son asked @ 4. We told him we had head boo boos. Later he asked the name really was we told him BP. Later he asked what BP means. We've just answered his questions without going into details.

[wiretwister]

before they would let me out of ip both my children and wife had to come into the hospital and be "informed" about me ... and my "condition" ... i was totally embarrassed ... they were 13 and 21 ... I had to just set there while I was being discussed ... granted there was the sui also ...

[Pookyl]

My kids were 17 & 18 years of age when I was diagnosed. So well and truly able to see that something was wrong. They are now 21 & 22.

I’ve behaved badly often during an episode. Particularly in the early days. The kids both reacted in awful ways so my hubby and I wanted to move them out of home when 18. Doing this has meant that they haven’t been exposed to me in an episode at my worst.

Trying not to freak out my kids is my #1 reason for being compliant with doctors, medications and therapy.
It’s nice to now belong to a forum with others who ‘get’ it.

[Tucson]

Years ago, when she was in grade school, I took my daughter to one of my meetings with my pdoc. I had him explain my MI and what it is like.

[scatterbrained04]

Raising kids while having mental illness is tough. My son is 12 and knows I have bipolar. He has some understanding of what that means, but is still learning. He has ADHD and has had some mood and behavior issues in the past. We take our meds at the same time. I guess the fact that I take meds has helped normalize it for him. But it's certainly tough. He sees me at my best and worst. I feel bad because I can't always cook and care for him the way I'd like too. And then my anxiety issues prevent us from doing things sometimes. I always worry how I'm affecting him.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Oh, I SO relate!!! I just had this conversation with my seven year old today. He asked what all my medicine was for and I said I had a brain disease called bipolar that made me really happy sometimes and really sad other times. I told him that’s why I go to the hospital sometimes, because I need more help for my brain. He sort of understood.

I just feel so awful sometimes though, just like you said. I nap a lot and I don’t play with him as much as I should or could. He’s an only child so he only has me to play with. Even if my husband hadn’t died I couldn’t have another one. I wouldn’t be able to go off medication to be pregnant for nine months. I would probably have to be hospitalized the whole time so I didn’t hurt myself. And there’s no way I could deal with a newborn again. My son hardly ever slept. I would go crazy.

I too hate cooking. He eats peanut butter sandwiches most days, or hot dogs, mac n cheese, spaghetti. I maybe cook from scratch once a week. And even then I rely on frozen or canned veggies and boxed sides. We go out to eat a lot. McDonald’s is our go to place which I know is terrible health wise but sometimes it’s all I have the patience for. I’m ok at keeping things clean but he’s terrible at it. His room is a total wreck and I have no energy to make him clean it.

He’s likely going to be diagnosed with ADHD and possible sensory issues and it’s so overwhelming to me to think of all of his possible needs in the future. Like will I have to request an IEP? What about a 504 plan? Will he grow to hate school? Will I have to medicate him? I so wish my husband were still alive just so I could at least have someone to help me with all this.

So anyway I’m totally with you. I have no advice I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone at all.

And I bet in the eyes of our children we are the best moms ever no matter what

I can relate so much except for the fact that I still have my husband around to help, but it is hard. Like you, my daughter is an only child, so she seeks attention from my husband and me. He is a teacher, so he is home from work for the summer, but he has projects he wants to do, like catch up on 10 years of uncontrollable filing (basically since my daughter was born). We had some IEP meetings in 1st & 2nd grade, not much came out of it. We just had a pediatrician appointment, and the doctor said my daughter is too high functioning for 504 despite all her sensory issues - can't tie a bow, won't brush tangles out of her hair, won't take showers because of how the water feels (only baths), won't wear anything other than dresses because pants, skirts, shorts are too tight around her waist, and if it's loose enough, it just falls off her hips. She won't eat mixed or seasoned food. Hates vacuum cleaners, mixers and bouncy houses because of the noise. Doesn't like public restrooms because they tend to have hand blow dryers. The school sends her to the nurse's restroom because it has paper towels, not hand dryers, but I am a little angry as they were supposed to give her some occupational therapy to help with problems like that which affect her school day. But her school has a high turnover of counselors; she probably gets lost in the mix. In first grade & kindergarten, the teachers called me all the time because all she would do at recess was stand on the side and cry, but finally, she made 2 good friends and started playing with kids her own age. There's plenty of other sensory stuff I'm leaving out, but you can see it's a challenge...oh, and puberty, OMG, I don't know how many bras we went though until she found a brand she liked. Then, she needed to start shaving under her arms and was so afraid of cutting herself, it was ineffective. I finally just bit the bullet & got Nair for that. She still doesn't need to shave her legs as her hair grows blonde there, but that is sure to be another nightmare, and these are issues my husband doesn't want to deal with because he feels I have experience with them while he does not.

I agree, I couldn't be pregnant again. We tried for awhile after my daughter was born, and we couldn't get pregnant after a year. Had testing done, everything was normal, so we just gave it up. If I did end up pregnant, we'd probably terminate the pregnancy due to all the meds I'm on.

My son is grown now, but I totally relate to what has been said. I wasn't dx'd till his mid-teens, and when I told him, he wasn't surprised in the least. He said something along the lines of. "Yeah, I know." See, HE was the first to "dx" me(!) He was 13 and pointed to a med ad (I think it was Abilify) in a magazine which showed this lady in all kinds of moods and said, "that's you". I of course denied it, but truth was, the only grounds on which I could do so was never having called anyone at 2 am(!) The rest? Guilty as charged.

I too never considered a second child. One was overwhelming enough. At one point (teens I believe), he said "You're not like other mothers, that's cool though." Kids are more forgiving than we might think. He is 25 now, and we've always gotten along great. He knows I've got a lot of empathy and won't judge, so he is quite open with me. I hope this gives you hope.

The only bad news really is that I think he got it.

[Unrigged64072835]

I was a single parent in the military for a long time, and I had untreated, or undertreated, MI for a long time. I was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and BPD. My daughter lived through all that. She and I also lived through a four year abusive relationship with my ex-fiance. Despite all that she is much more mature at 21 than most people her age. She still comes to me with friend issues and her issues. (All her friends have emotional issues and/or learning disabilities.) I wasn't diagnosed with bipolar until she turned 18. She also is diagnosed with depression and anxiety, and possibly PTSD (which wouldn't surprise me). She has her own pdoc and therapist. Sure, she was a hellion in her teenage years, but once she got a job and started college she grew up a bit.

I'm kind of beyond childbearing years, so I don't have to worry about pregnancy.

[cashart10]

I have 3 kids: 4, 8, & 10. The only one who knows, or at least understands, that I have bipolar disorder is my oldest. She still asks me questions from time to time but I have been completely stable for some time so it hasn’t been effecting my children’s lives. However, at my most unstable, I was really unstable so they noticed things. I had such pressured speech that my thoughts would spew out of my mouth uncontrollably and I would often rehearse conversations out loud. My daughter would ask who I was talking to. It was the same with laughter. I would have uncontrollable giddy laughter and she would ask what was so funny. My anger was at times explosive and even twisted. I was extremely odd and “fun” to them, etc (you guys get it). Anyway, I have just accepted that it will be part of their lives forever too and I will do whatever I can at all times to make their lives as wonderful and “ordinary” as possible.

The biggest issue we have now is that I sleep WAY too much because of my meds. I am afraid I am missing too much time with them and that I am teaching them lazy habits. I’m not too sure what to do about it though.

Also, when I accepted that I had bipolar disorder as an adult and went back on meds, I found out I was pregnant by accident weeks later. I was far too ill to stop meds. In the beginning I was taking low dose lamictal and ability but by the end of my pregnancy I was on a high dose of lithium (and I can’t remember what all else). My pdoc at the time explained to me that it was only during your first trimester that lithium caused developmental harm to a fetus and assured me it would be fine. To date, she has had no ill effects from my meds during her pregnancy. I did decide not to breast feed though and I would have made the same decision regardless of the drugs I was taking at the time. That was so, so sad to me because I nursed my other two for more than a year. I had my tubes tied when I had her despite the fact that I had always wanted one more. Now my biggest fear is that they will get it also.

I can sense you're being the best mom you can be, and kudos for that. It must be tough to have mental illness and children and trying to explain related topics. I don't have any kids of my own, and honestly hope I don't unless by some miracle I never have another episode again. Anyways, keep on being your best most loving self

[UpDownAround]

Substance abuse was the hardest to talk about. I have a really hard time believing that isn't my fault and I believe in taking responsibility for it. I feel like I am telling them I am a bad person and not just a sick person. They have mood disorders and my wife would tell their providers about mine in front of them even when I was in denial, so they have known about that but understood.

[annielovesbacon]

I can relate -- except with the kid's perspective. I'm only 20 so I remember what it was like seeing my dad through my limited perspective as a child. He has severe depression and anxiety. I was always worried about why he seemed sad or why he didn't want to play catch with me in the backyard anymore. He spent all his time at work (still does) and when he comes home, he just ate dinner with us and then would go take long walks until it got dark. My parents did not/do not have relationship problems, and with the benefit of hindsight, I think he did this because he perceived himself to be a "bummer" to be around and didn't want us to have to be around him. (Of course, that's not how we felt at all.)

Like your daughter, I did well on all my TAKS tests (before the STAAR days, lol) and competed in UIL. But still I have bipolar in addition to other mental illnesses.

But that is not because of my dad. In fact, I really really admire you for taking the time to explain to your daughter the best you can, because I think it's really important for kids to know about this so, like you said, if anything happens to her she knows to tell someone. I wish my dad had been open about it with me. (He still isn't very open about it.) It took me years to get help, when I could have asked back in middle school when this all started and gotten help then. But I didn't even understand what was happening, let alone how to ask for help.

I guess my point is, you are not a bad mom, not at all. The fact that you care so deeply about your daughter and want her to understand says so much. Sometimes other people hide behind their mental illnesses and use them as an excuse to treat others poorly. You are doing the opposite. You ought to be proud of yourself for being such a good mom despite the cards you have been dealt.

And your last point? There are problems everywhere. Wars, hunger, disease. Those problems are important, but so are yours. Problems elsewhere don't change the problems that are right in front of you. Your feelings are valid and you deserve help and support even if you think your problems aren't "big enough."

Big hugs to you. <3