Feeling Destructive

First off I am wed, have been a long time. I have a bad habit of forming close emotional relationships with men. If this information was divulged it would surely change my whole life.

I can't stop. I have been doing it for years.

The current man has been supporting me emotionally since January. I burn for him. I can think of one way to stop that, but it will inevitably continue and become serious. I have no intention of leaving my husband.

This fella is different than my prior one. The boundaries were very clear cut and we never violated them. This guy though. It is as if we are boon companions.

How do I stop something I do not want to end? What if he is my soulmate and we are in love?

I have never been married (or even had a serious relationship), so I'm probably not the person to ask. But it seems to me you are asking for trouble here. It seems likely that your husband will find out and that may end your marriage. Are you prepared for that possibility? Is this new man worth it?

I think it would be best to assume that getting with this other man would end your marriage and then decide. It quite possibly could even if just because of the guilt you'd feel. So, I would say it is more about if you want to end your marriage or not. Then, the dating field is open to many people who could be great for you. I know the burning desire you speak of, but all relationships lose some of that over time. I had a friend go through a similar thing and almost ruined her marriage. It went a bit too far, but she never totally cheated. There was lust and new romance and she felt that new spark. Then one day, when she was sad, that man texted her and she realized it didn't make her feel better. She was looking for something to make her feel alive from someone else, when something was missing in her own life is what she decided. She also learned to tell her husband what she needed from him, like more romance. I have never been married (but in a 7 year monogamous relationship that is going well), but still hope this is helpful in some way. Consider what you want first from your marriage, then from this man. Maybe you just don't like to be monogamous which is totally fine, but be honest with yourself and break off the marriage. Best of luck!

I have never physically cheated, I just become very conflicted when libido become involved. My married sex life leaves much to be desired, I am just airing out my thoughts. I think.

It sounds like she has similar experinces.

I wish I knew how to change things with my husband, but I talk to him and we are all happy.

Then nothing changes.

Providing emotional support and having a full relationship with someone are two different things. I think your relationship with that man is very limited in what can happen and what will ever happen, assuming you don't leave your husband.

I think you're idealizing this man because you don't have to deal with all of the ups and downs of a relationship like you have with your husband.

It's in your hands to continue the relationship or stop the relationship. You need to be fair to your husband who probably has supported you through a lot over the years - you shouldn't string him along while going elsewhere for emotional support.

You don't. I had my fair share of affairs and long relationships out of wedlock being married.
Rule #1: The second party has to know I'm married, and I won't leave my wife maybe.
Rule #2: Every Holiday I will be in my house with my family.
Rule #3: The sex has to be astounding for me to risk it all.

I've been practically in the street, living out of a suitcase to be with another woman.
Lost it all in two divorces. I'm still paying child support for my youngest son and he's 28.

Not anymore. If I get a divorce this time, there will be no remorse, no pity, no guity feelings, and everything will be done according to the law.
I will get my fair share even if I'm the offending party.

I like this real comment, thank you.

We both have our "rules" No sex is one of them though.

I have experienced similar situations. I have physically cheated though. This has been a very recent event and I'm still dealing with detaching. I have not spoken to the other man since my husband and I decided to work things out. I was prepared to leave.

Do you have a therapist? My therapist (plus my medicine) helped me think things clearly. I realized I was only thinking about the sex. On my therapists recommendation I started journaling. This also helped. I was able to list the reasons it would never work with the other man in a real relationship and all the reasons I wanted to stay. It hasn't been easy. I have sacrificed some things in deciding to stay in the marriage but that's my decision. I keep telling myself "I CHOOSE my marriage". He's a wonderful man and I don't deserve the forgiveness he's offered. It is total and complete forgiveness with an understanding that if I do it again it will be over.

I also thought the other man was my soulmate. But, with some distance, I realized that was not true. It was the intensity of the attraction and the ability to talk to him about anything, which I had not been able to do with my husband for most of our marriage. But we went into counseling and he has changed the talking aspect. I have been able to say some things recently and he didn't get upset. I am beginning to feel safer in talking to him about things I couldn't before.

I can't speak to your situation but that's mine.

I do not have a therapist..... I do jopurnal. But right now I am not motivated to for some reason....

As far as I know my husband knows nothing of my emotional affairs.

This particular guy, it could never work. He is married as well. This is his second one and he has children with both of them. He is much older and I still want more kids.

I think I choose my marriage too, but I am not prepared to give this other man up. He fills in many gaps my husband just can't or will not fulfill for me. I often wonder if marriage counseling is what we need. Like you said, I do not feel safe to open up to him.

IMHO, as long as you keep the other man in your life you will never put 100% into your marriage if you've decided you want to stay with the marriage. I would strongly recommend marriage counseling. It will help determine if your husband can't or won't or maybe he doesn't know how. I hope things work out well for you. I know how hard this struggle is.

Thank you, it is so hard to even bring counseling up, you know the whole not feeling safe opening up to him, but it is a first step I need to take.

Maybe not the same but close enough.

About 8 years ago ( before I was diagnosed with BP my husband and I literally were getting divorced neither of us had the money to move out nor divorce money at the time so we just agreed to be kind to each other until we could figure it out. He moved into another bedroom. We still loved each other but between my undiagnosed problem and him thinking I was doing it for attention and the horrible fights I just gave up.

A old boyfriend that was married ... we started talking (he lived thousands of miles away. ) it was such an amazing thing he listened to me he supported me emotionally , I finally had someone who openly cared.

But it hit me one day ... my husband did love me but we where in a mess neither of us knew how to be supportive to each other we weren’t getting what we needed from our marriage.

The old boyfriend was of course supporting me because “ I could tell him what was lacking “and how it all was a mess.

We briefly talked about getting together but we knew it would never work , we made better friends than lovers.

I got into therapy and eventually things cooled off between my husband and I .. we started talking , oh it was hard to voice all my concerns as it was for him.

We worked on our marriage it took time but our marriage is stronger today than it was back when we married. People and expectations change over time.

I ended the talking between old boyfriend when my husband and I worked and literally fought to make it work. There was no room for a third party to be in the mix.

My advice is work to get support from your husband and fix a broken relationship.... stop looking for support from this other married guy or bow out of the marriage.

I hope you can figure something out , life is so hard at times.