alone

My mom and step father are on vacation about 10 hours away. They've been gone a few days and they won't be back for awhile. I don't do well without my mom at all. Even when she's just at work for a little bit. I'm not even supposed to be left alone, according to who I'm not sure, at least completely alone, because I guess they're afraid I'm going to flip and do something stupid. They left me with my little brother. It used to be me taking care of him all this time when he was little. Now he's 16 and has power over me and apparently is in charge of me and I'm 25. He's supposed to be here at all times and be in charge of all the house and pet things and getting our dinner. That's mainly because I've been a useless slump on the furniture.

Anyways my brother decided to go out with his friends and hang out or whatever. That was hours ago. Like this morning and now it's 9:30pm. He texted me that he's staying the night somewhere and won't be home until like late tomorrow. I'm freaking out here. I cannot be alone it's so scary. I know I'm a huge baby but whatever. I am SO paranoid to begin with and now I'm left alone with all these things. I'm so overwhelmed. I've just now slowed down on all of my hallucinations. They are not completely gone but much much better. I can't go to bed alone while in this state. I get scared of what I see and hear, that's why I need a distraction.

I have to take my seroquel to keep these hallucinations and stuff to a minimum but it makes me so sleepy. I don't want to go to sleep while no one is here. I can't stand not being in control, I need to stay awake and maintain the house. What if something catches on fire or something?? I'm so stressed.

Must be sad to be alone. Or lonely. Or by yourself.

I'm alien to those feeling, althought I recognize is most be bad.
I have been in solitude many times, but never alone.
My right hand is tied up to The Superior Power.

I feel at peace most of the time. With that company it's hard to fear.
If you recognize there is a Superior Power, seek it. Feel It's Presence.

Meantime, we are all here for you. Feel Our Presence, and you will never be alone again.
May The Superior Power help you in your journey.

I’m sorry your alone but you can do this...

Use your coping skills and fact check what you think about.

You will be fine sleeping , take your meds as prescribed.

Set daily tasks to help pass the time until your mom gets back home.

Bath daily
Clean x room for mom
Cook something , anything

Give yourself things to do and do them

Keep posting on here and maybe offer others some encouragement will help you get out of your own head.

Thanks. I made it through the night. It was really weird because I wanted to sleep and I didn’t want to sleep at the same time so I had weird half in and out of consciousness dreams. They were extremely real feeling and scary. I guess it’s better I saw things in my dream and not just sitting here?

I’m still alone. Have been hearing things but I’m aware they aren’t real so that’s good. I decided I would do laundry to keep busy. I didn’t realize it would take so much out of me. I’m already exhausted.

Hi jtassar93. I'm glad you got through the night OK. I understand how hard it is to be alone. I've been on disability for a long time, and my husband works full-time, and my family and friends never visit much anymore. I do have my pet. He's a comfort. I spend a lot of time online, which does help a bit.

Can you think of some things you can plan with your little brother that will keep him home with you a bit more? Maybe plan some pizza movie night or bake something together, or whatever you two might like. Also, can you drive? Maybe there is a DBSA or NAMI meeting near you you can go to at night. Or something at your local library? Or just go sit in a cafe, or go to a movie (maybe don't pick a depressing one). Watch some movies you really like? I could watch a few a hundred times and still want to watch them again.

Glad you made it through the night !!

I agree laundry is exhausting

Thanks and thanks so much for the suggestions, I appreciate it. My brother said he isn’t coming home until late tomorrow evening unfortunately. He is still out with his friends. I don’t have any friends myself. I haven’t talked to anyone since high school pretty much. And I only talk to my mom, not my step father. He doesn’t like me very much. Anyways. I have a cat. She does provide some comfort.

Unfortunately I can’t drive. I don’t have a license. And even if I could, my anxiety is way way way too high to do anything. I rarely leave my house to begin with. Baking is a good idea. Since I have no money to get something to eat. If I could just manage enough energy to bake maybe he will stay with me. Maybe a movie too. I’ll try. I just usually try to keep sound off and headphones in when I’m hearing stuff. It’s easier to tell what’s real.

Thank you again

Thanks for the suggestions too. I’m doing laundry at a super slow pace and it’s going ok right now. Even though I’d rather be lying down.

Being alone when you aren't doing well is really tough I can imagine. Can you call/video chat with your parents or a friend to make you feel less alone? I like using the website Rabb.it and watching movies/shows while video chatting with friends who are far away (I moved away from my friends for grad school and live alone). Listening to podcasts while doing other things distract me and I enjoy listening to the person talking so I feel less isolated. This helps me. That being said, I have never had the problem of hallucinating so don't know if it would be helpful for that. Perhaps talk to your parents for the future that your little brother maybe isn't able to provide you the help you need when they are away. If there is no option of friends or other family I understand that might be difficult.

I feel really weird again. I video chatted with my mom awhile ago. I stare at her and I know she’s my mom but I don’t feel any connection to her? I know what I’m supposed to feel but I don’t actually feel it. I stared at my ceiling for like an hour afterwards. I don’t know

I’m stlll alone and not doing very well

How can we help?

I just don’t know what to do. Half of me is completely detached and emotionless but part of me wants to cry and cry and tw (((cut))) and honestly I just want my mom to come back. I can’t stand being alone and hearing things I’m so scared when it happens

Can you try a crisis line? There's one that you can text (text HOME to 741741) and you wouldn't have to talk on the phone.

Thanks. I might. I mean right now I don’t feel like I’d go too far. I’m going to try not to altogether. I’ve been trying to keep busy during the day so I don’t think about it too much but now it’s night and voices and things I see are always scarier when it’s dark. Lately I haven’t seen anything but I’m afraid it will start again. I’m waiting for my mom to come home so I can get a new therapist or do some sort of program

Sorry I keep rambling, it just helps to type it out

I understand. My therapist is away and my mom who lives next door and helps me a lot leaves for vacation Friday. I'm really anxious about it.

I’m sorry. It really sucks when your support is away. I hope you’ll be ok

I’ve been alone for awhile and I’m so lost and worried I will end up doing something stupid

When is your brother coming home?

It helps me to think of things I can do to stay in control. Setting small daily goals, using crisis lines if it is the only choice, knowing I can and will (the positivity helps) get myself to a hospital if I have to, taking my meds, etc. Coloring or drawing what I can't say helps me.

I'm not perfect at this. Last year when my mom was away I nearly wound up IP. But I've made it through a lot of her vacations now and know it only lasts so many days. It's not usually when my therapist is away but it's still 12 days until I see him and she'll be home in 10 days.

It still sucks though

My brother said he will be home tonight. But I take my meds at 8 and they knock me out but I can’t go to sleep without all the doors locked so I’m stuck.

Hopefully having him here will help. I have been trying to watch a tv show I like to pass time but it’s been 5 days and I’ve barely watched any. I might color. That sounds fun. I usually end up ip during the summer because of these kinds of things. By the time I’m too far gone and won’t think to use a help line. I hate sounding so helpless and like a child still that I need my mom. It’s embarrassing and gives me no hope for the future

I need my mom too. She's the reason I have a clean house and eat real meals and while she isn't really involved with my psychiatric care that is always available if feel unable to do it myself (I'm too embarrassed to accept help).. This time I'm doing better than I have ever before so I am hoping that I am able to actually do some real things and make some real food while she's away.

I used to live alone, 30 minutes from my mom. I reached a point I couldn't do that any longer because I needed help so I moved here. And life definitely got easier when I moved here. I wish I didn't need help but do. And there's no shame in that.

I know that you have trouble believing it can be better. I promise you, it can. If I can hit stability (and I suddenly have) then anyone can. It took 16 years from diagnosis (and many years of misdiagnosis before that) and so many meds and combinations that it doesn't sound real (40plus meds, 70plus combinations) but last summer my clozapine dose was increased and while I still cycled through the spring suddenly instead of my annual summer hypo/mania I just got stable this year. No reason anyone can see but it is working and even if it only lasts another day I have been stable. I'm pretty sure my therapist never thought it would happen and my pdoc didn't really think it would although she has more experience with clozaril and knew what it can do for treatment resistant patients. It just took me 2.5 years for clozaril to work like it does for other people more quickly.

Really though, if it happened for me it can for you.

I’m glad you have your mom too. I’ve just been diagnosed since 14 I think so I never really had a say in whether she was involved. I guess now I do but I wouldn’t know what to do without her.

I hope you can cook/etc when they are gone. And that you continue to be stable

Thanks for sharing that. It does give me hope. Even though yes I believe that at this point nothing will ever be better. I always dreamed of so many things and look at me now. It’s whatever I guess. I never have been stable for very long but I hope I can someday

I woke up at 6am and spent practically 3 hours crying on the floor. I’m about ready to give up

Hey I don't have any tips or wise words of wisdom. All I have is time. So if you need a chat pm. Hope your Ok?

My brother is here now. He says I’m being unreasonable and defensive. He said it’s time for me to go to the hospital. What does he know? He hadn’t even been here the past few days. He has no idea what I’m going through. Plus I’m pretty sure he’s messing with me by saying certain things I’m hearing and seeing aren’t really there. He’s lying. If I were that bad how could I come here and be ok??

I am sorry you are going through this. Has he ever been manipulative before or lied to you about this? If not then maybe he is really telling the truth about things you are seeing and hearing not being there. Can you perhaps video chat with your mom again while your brother is home so you can all discuss what is going on? Maybe he is right, but since he is pretty young and doesn't know everything that is going on, could be good to have your mom involved. Please take care.