[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I got up and went to Starbucks for a minute this morni g. Had to get going to judo. On the way there I realized that I didnt have gas so I stopped at the only station I knew of. (Of course I had to finish my coffee about an hour before judo starts so i dont have to pee during...) I was ahead of time which was good because I had to fill out some membership paperwork at the Y. I had just enough time to do that and go change into my gi and get to class a couple minutes early. Class itself was good- I relearned lots of stuff. Its all relearn at this point. It wasnt too pphysically hard which I was thankful for.

My friend fancies himself my good friend these days. Hes married but acts and expects more like a boyfried- evenTHOUGH he once said that wasn't the case. So yesterday we were at starbucks talking about tattoos and he said hed pay for me to get one. He thought it should be a heart. I thought an anatomical heart would be cool. Then I found one of two naked people inside an anatomical heat- looked like they were coupled . so we went to a tattoo shop- my favorite- and looked through artists books. Decided on one. Talked to him. He quoted a price. Talked placement. Recovery time would be 3 weeks. Three weeks off judo. Hmmm.... So we get in the car and he says "Are you ready for this type of commitment?" Freaked me out!! I dont feel that way about him and hes married. So there is a 4 hour block booked in a month and its a $400 tatto and a 50$ nonrefundable deposit was paid by him. Any and all opinions are welcome!

You seem really up and possibly manic/hypomanic. You shouldn't be making decisions like this right now. It will be on your body permanently. I know I am not a doctor, but I still don't think you've come down from your hypomania. And with a married man acting more like a boyfriend...it sounds like you could be setting yourself up for a broken heart, especially if your mania doesn't stop & you sleep with him.

[Blueberrybook]

I haven't done much today to talk about. I'm starting to think I'm struggling with this eating disorder more than I want to admit lately, admiring bones & such in the mirror. I generally don't eat less than other people, but I exercise a LOT more. This morning, for example, I ran 7.75 miles (and it was getting hot then), around 9 AM and power walked 3 miles. By far too much, especially for my weight and not eating enough to compensate for it, the way healthy distance runners do. That was how I got diagnosed with anorexia in college. Overexercising and not eating enough food for the calories I burned.

Other than this realization, I haven't done much today. I feel lazy. I tried to take a nap and couldn't. I did read a bit more. I think I am finally getting into my book; it is just taking awhile. But it's nearly 500 pages, and I don't know if I can finish it in time for my book club meeting next week Thursday evening.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’ve felt mildly to moderately depressed all day. I laid down for most of the day though I didn’t sleep. I feel like a failure of a mother. I didn’t get up until 10:30am so my son once again helped himself to chips for breakfast. He doesn’t care but I’m afraid he will grow up to hate me for not being normal. Like I did with my mom, and still do. I still have no sympathy for her even though I’m now going through what she went through. I feel like I have to do so much more and I just don’t have the motivation. I’d like to cook real meals but I never do. I’d like to play games with him but I hate playing games. I’d like to take him out but I’m afraid to go places like amusement parks with him on my own. I just wish I could be a better mom. I know the solution is to get out of my self pity and just DO it but it’s so hard.

I’m looking at pictures of my brother and niece and sister in law and I’m so...wistful and jealous. I used to have a great little family, me my husband and my son. We used to be cute like that. We used to go to the beach together. And bipolar stole it all from me. I still believe my bipolar behavior pushed my husband into his drug addiction and ultimately killed him. And now I’m stuck alone with my amazing little boy and I can barely meet his needs. I wish this all hadn’t happened, that I could point to one thing that tripped me off and go back and change it. But I can’t.

Sigh. Enough of my whining.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I'm seeming to be going up some. I'm having trouble falling asleep. I stay asleep once I get there and took a nap today (with a migraine) but I've been up 2-3 hours past normal every night lately.

I see my pdoc Monday. Hopefully I can wait this out without more meds. I want off meds, not more of them. I have a hard time in August as for some reason, presumably allergies, I get a lot of migraines that month every year. So sleep disturbance isn't entirely unusual but with clozaril and my other sedatives it's never good because I'm so sedated already.

The good thing is that I don't seem to be speeding up or if I am my mom hasn't said anything. We'll see about my therapist and pdoc Monday.

[Standup2me]

Argh, I started biting my nails again.
I thought that I had broken that habit

[Moose72]

Im up with a migraine. Right in my right eye too.

[Rainbow Child]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’ve felt mildly to moderately depressed all day. I laid down for most of the day though I didn’t sleep. I feel like a failure of a mother. I didn’t get up until 10:30am so my son once again helped himself to chips for breakfast. He doesn’t care but I’m afraid he will grow up to hate me for not being normal. Like I did with my mom, and still do. I still have no sympathy for her even though I’m now going through what she went through. I feel like I have to do so much more and I just don’t have the motivation. I’d like to cook real meals but I never do. I’d like to play games with him but I hate playing games. I’d like to take him out but I’m afraid to go places like amusement parks with him on my own. I just wish I could be a better mom. I know the solution is to get out of my self pity and just DO it but it’s so hard.

I’m looking at pictures of my brother and niece and sister in law and I’m so...wistful and jealous. I used to have a great little family, me my husband and my son. We used to be cute like that. We used to go to the beach together. And bipolar stole it all from me. I still believe my bipolar behavior pushed my husband into his drug addiction and ultimately killed him. And now I’m stuck alone with my amazing little boy and I can barely meet his needs. I wish this all hadn’t happened, that I could point to one thing that tripped me off and go back and change it. But I can’t.

Sigh. Enough of my whining.

Wow. This touched me. You are certainly not alone. Thank you for sharing.

[Rainbow Child]

The past few days have been better than the last few weeks. My stomach is still in knots and my chest is so tight as back-to-school approaches. My youngest two have been gone for a week, and they come back tomorrow. As excited as I am, I’m nervous. All of the self-doubt is setting in. I know meeting my obligations will be accomplished, but I also know not a moment of it will be easy. One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.

[Nammu]

I survived making "small talk" thanks to HGTV and PBS. It was great seeing R running around so full of life.

[yellow_fleurs]

Originally Posted by Wild Coyote

Congrats in working at countering the depression via activity/distractions. It's very wise, in my humble opinion to do so if/when we can. I was wondering how you are doing. Thanks for the update.


WC

Thank you for thinking of me and the encouragement. Means a lot.

[scatterbrained04]

I made it back from the beach. I had a great week with family. We spent time at the beach, went to the boardwalk, saw some alligators, and took a boat ride to an island. I'm grateful I got to ride down with my sister to cut back on some of my anxiety. Other than a little anxiety, I've been feeling pretty stable. My sleep even improved while on vacation. Haven't woke up at 3am in a week! I'm hoping that will continue now that I'm home. Work didn't bother me not one time the whole week either. So I've had a nice break. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I'm sure I have stuff piled up waiting on me. It'll be a busy day.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by scatterbrained04

I made it back from the beach. I had a great week with family. We spent time at the beach, went to the boardwalk, saw some alligators, and took a boat ride to an island. I'm grateful I got to ride down with my sister to cut back on some of my anxiety. Other than a little anxiety, I've been feeling pretty stable. My sleep even improved while on vacation. Haven't woke up at 3am in a week! I'm hoping that will continue now that I'm home. Work didn't bother me not one time the whole week either. So I've had a nice break. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow. I'm sure I have stuff piled up waiting on me. It'll be a busy day.

I am so happy for you!
You work hard; so glad you've had a real break.
It's also nice to have you posting again!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Thank you for thinking of me and the encouragement. Means a lot.

I have noticed how supportive you have been toward everyone.
It's great to have you with us here at PC! Your presence here means a lot!

WC

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow

I'm seeming to be going up some. I'm having trouble falling asleep. I stay asleep once I get there and took a nap today (with a migraine) but I've been up 2-3 hours past normal every night lately.

I see my pdoc Monday. Hopefully I can wait this out without more meds. I want off meds, not more of them. I have a hard time in August as for some reason, presumably allergies, I get a lot of migraines that month every year. So sleep disturbance isn't entirely unusual but with clozaril and my other sedatives it's never good because I'm so sedated already.

The good thing is that I don't seem to be speeding up or if I am my mom hasn't said anything. We'll see about my therapist and pdoc Monday.

(((((( BeyondtheRainbow )))))))

I am also experiencing insomnia despite sedation. July is usually a tough month for me. I hope things settle down for you!


WC

boring but stable sunday

doubt the boring partt's going to change, and not sure how long the stability will last, but hmm

for now mood is good

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by cln1812

You seem really up and possibly manic/hypomanic. You shouldn't be making decisions like this right now. It will be on your body permanently. I know I am not a doctor, but I still don't think you've come down from your hypomania. And with a married man acting more like a boyfriend...it sounds like you could be setting yourself up for a broken heart, especially if your mania doesn't stop & you sleep with him.

I talked with a girlfriend last night about this. She said the same things as you. She added that I should tell him that Im on blood thinners- true- and that that big a tattoo would mean a large blood loss among other things. From an article I read:

"This is the most important, and by far the most dangerous reason to not take any blood thinners before getting a new tattoo.

Although very small tattoos shouldn’t cause too much of a problem, if you’ve got an all-day tattooing session booked in, then the potentially large amount of blood that you could loose throughout the day could cause many dangerous side effect that are associated with blood loss."

It also talked about infection being higher. Basically everything that could go wrong with a tatt is higher especially on a big piece like this.

I read your post yesterday: I agree with you. So why is my pdoc lowering my Seroquel? Im still wanting sex with everyone. Im still running around spening money- well TRYing not to but its hard! The only teason I havent slept with this guy is because opportunity hasnt presented itself. I take all that energy out onanother man whom Ive been having sex with for 13 years. I guess pdoc doesnt see it because she thinks this is my normal personality? I dont know.

[Blueberrybook]

Wildcoyote, I am sorry about your sleep problems. I hate not being able to sleep. I woke very early this morning (3:30 AM), maybe the full moon, I never sleep well with a full moon for some reason.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I am struggling more with my eating disorder than I'd like to admit, especially with excessive exercise. I feel I may have some hypomania that is contributing to the excessive exercise. Does the hypomania drive me toward it or the ED? I'm not sure. I am having body image issues feeling too fat even though I am thin, you could even say very thin, but of course, I never feel thin enough. I don't look like a walking advertisement for an eating disorder, but I know I am very thin for my height. I am seeing bones I should not be seeing and liking it. Ugh! For me, an ED is also a life-long battle. You can choose to stop it, but you honestly have to want it to stop. It is a little bit like getting on the wagon for an alcoholic except you have to confront food daily whereas you can avoid alcohol and not confront it daily.

So I walked a long time this morning..very excessive. And I didn't get enough sleep last night. I will try for a nap this afternoon. I can take a whole pill of hydroxyzine (usually I take half, but my prescription is for 1/2 to 1 full pill), and I think I will run lavender essential oil in my diffuser and dab a bit on me. That is supposed to promote sleep, and I know I need it. Sometimes, the lavender helps a bit. I think I am getting hypomanic. As I was walking, I thought of all these projects I want to do today, once my daughter wakes up. She is having bad insomnia lately, and I don't want to wake her. I also don't know what to do about it. She is a pre-teen, 10.5 years old, going into the 5th grade this school year. But why the insomnia? I hope it is not a sign of mental illness to come in her future. I had the insomnia too from an early age, and my daughter never napped or slept well as a baby or toddler either. Though I did have sexual trauma, and she has really been in zero situations where this could have happened to her while it happened to me before elementary school. And I didn't have her social & sensory issues except for being an introvert and being on the shy side, but she also seems to brush off her differences from her classmates (such as having to use the nurse's restroom to avoid the loud noise of the hand blow dryers in the normal restrooms. The nurse obviously has paper towels for washing your hands). The school was supposed to give her occupational therapy for this, but they never did. And she won't wear jeans, any type of pants (thankfully the winter climate here is such that she can get away with wearing long socks with dresses). No shorts or skirts either. School clothes shopping is such a pain for her. Cutouts and things on dresses will bother her. Also, she is tall for her age (my husband is 6'4" so this is not exactly a surprise). She has a lot of dresses from last year that still fit but would be very inappropriate with both arms up, such as doing jumping jacks during P.E. I've got to get her school clothes organized; that is one of the projects I want to start, but her room is so junky, it needs to be cleaned first, and I think I am going to have to do a lot of it because she does not want to part with toys she has outgrown. Of course, I'd keep outgrown toys that were special to her, but a lot of her toys were not. My husband is this way too as far as parting with old stuff (you should see some of the old cell phones he's kept), and I don't think he'd be much help de-cluttering her room. She also really hates change, so that may play into her issues with wanting to keep old toys.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I talked with a girlfriend last night about this. She said the same things as you. She added that I should tell him that Im on blood thinners- true- and that that big a tattoo would mean a large blood loss among other things. From an article I read:

"This is the most important, and by far the most dangerous reason to not take any blood thinners before getting a new tattoo.

Although very small tattoos shouldn’t cause too much of a problem, if you’ve got an all-day tattooing session booked in, then the potentially large amount of blood that you could loose throughout the day could cause many dangerous side effect that are associated with blood loss."

It also talked about infection being higher. Basically everything that could go wrong with a tatt is higher especially on a big piece like this.

I read your post yesterday: I agree with you. So why is my pdoc lowering my Seroquel? Im still wanting sex with everyone. Im still running around spening money- well TRYing not to but its hard! The only teason I havent slept with this guy is because opportunity hasnt presented itself. I take all that energy out onanother man whom Ive been having sex with for 13 years. I guess pdoc doesnt see it because she thinks this is my normal personality? I dont know.

It is odd that your pdoc is lowering your Seroquel. My pdocs have tended to up it during manic phases or try a different AP. Can you call your pdoc and explain that you are having lots of hypomanic symptoms and desires to make impulsive serious decisions? I do hope if you are having a lot of sex, at least you are being safe. Not just the pill because it doesn't stop STIs so condoms too. You need to be safe about it, just a side note. Does your pdoc have an emergency (non-911) number to call during weekends and vacations? Mine has a special cellphone for this; you can call it at all hours but not for things that are not important and can wait until business hours (though he will call you back during business hours if you leave a message that you want to talk directly to him). Or can you get an appointment to see your pdoc ASAP if you call tomorrow morning?

We had a fire on our deck two weeks ago. It didn't affect my neighbors' decks or homes, but the one neighbor said her siding is dirty from soot from the fire. We looked and it seemed fine. Hubby is nevertheless power washing it for her. I told hubby that it was like during my hospitalization for ECT when my roommate ordered me to clean the shower stall of my "ECT hair gel", which was a figment of her imagination. I superficially "cleaned" it just because I was not in a state to be having a fight with a bully.

Heh. Hear you, BirdDancer. We once had a neighbor who was always complaining to the landlord about noise when we were not even home!!

Don't know how I'm doing today quite yet -- just woke up and shut the windows (we open them up at night to help cool as we do not have ac). It is supposed to be 100 today, so I dread that, but also I don't have to go anywhere (which is...well, I *could* go somewhere cool, right? But I really don't want to hang out with a bunch of people at a cooling center, the only mall I can think of is very far away, plus I can't stand malls, and there's the walking back and forth getting to the bus regardless. Also, BF only gets out for Dr. appts. so he'd not be able to go (he can't sit or stand long enough). So ya, staying home is the best option. )

At least we are not dealing with wildfires. Extra hugs for those who are.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by cln1812

It is odd that your pdoc is lowering your Seroquel. My pdocs have tended to up it during manic phases or try a different AP. Can you call your pdoc and explain that you are having lots of hypomanic symptoms and desires to make impulsive serious decisions? I do hope if you are having a lot of sex, at least you are being safe. Not just the pill because it doesn't stop STIs so condoms too. You need to be safe about it, just a side note. Does your pdoc have an emergency (non-911) number to call during weekends and vacations? Mine has a special cellphone for this; you can call it at all hours but not for things that are not important and can wait until business hours (though he will call you back during business hours if you leave a message that you want to talk directly to him). Or can you get an appointment to see your pdoc ASAP if you call tomorrow morning?

Pdoc knows about the sex but the tattoo is since I saw her. She asked me a percentage of how I was feeling since last she talked with me and I said "ten percent". Why I don't know! She did say she will call me this week sometime about something but that could be friday for all I know.

As for safe, no we arent using condoms. I had my tubes tied maybe 10 years ago and I know that doesnt do anything for stis but neither of us are having sex with others. So far Ive managed to only have sex with him. (13 years guy) There was a time before him before diagnosis when i went through strangers and didnt always use condoms. I dont think this is the same.

I dont know if I can see pdoc right away. I just saw her 2 days ago. There is an afterhours phone service where you can talk to people and get feedback. Sometimes they tell you to call 911- like when I took the benedryl- and sometimes they just say to "use your dbt skills" - a non-answer to me. I was all into the idea of that tattoo and if the artist had had time right then and there Id be walking around with it now Im sure. Its what he (went with me and paid) said about a big commitment now that got my attention. I still wanted a cool tattoo for sure but not to be connected to him that way.

I asked the 13 year buddy when we can get together again and he said he didnt know. This makes me anxious. I really think we are addicted to each other. And yes half that is my mania talking. The combination is incredible.

[yellow_fleurs]

My mind kind of took a bad turn last night, where I let myself get wrapped up in the bad thoughts. I was flying home and didn't have anyone to distract me, but think my mood was dropping anyways. Tried a moment of meditation on the flight and felt a little calmer for a moment, but it did not last more than 5 minutes. Slept a normal amount last night, and didn't want to get out of bed this morning. Feeling a bit hopeless, but going to make myself work on my paper so at least I feel accomplished. Going to the library so I am not sitting here in my apartment with my thoughts. I really just want it to be Tuesday so I can talk to my pdoc and decide what to do about this med. Maybe it is not related to the meds causing a problem and is just that it isn't working right. I am at that point where I also think it has nothing to do with meds or any sort of illness and I just feel this way because I deserve to based on the negative thoughts in my head. That makes it harder to want to accept help.

I'm not doing so well. I've been out of the hospital almost a week and honestly kinda want to go back because taking care of myself is proving to be difficult. I don't know what to do about work either. I work at a summer camp and my position ends in a month anyway. I really don't want to answer all those "what are those scars from?" or "where have you been?" questions. On my new meds I also don't think I can actually do what I'm supposed to do because being tired. Then there's the DI and tracking how much I drink/how much I pee for the kidney doctor. My family is urging me to apply for disability while in PHP they're suggesting I go back to work or find another job. I'm committed to life, but I just wish it were some how easier.

[Unrigged64072835]

Here for a little bit at least...

Been doing laundry, vacuuming and bringing stuff down from upstairs. Doesn't sound like much but that is a lot of work. As in bringing down a full size bed and a computer table, six loads of laundry, and vacuuming and sweeping the main floor.

It's been a slow transition from being Mom to being me again. Before I became a mother I was misdiagnosed and still having mood swings, doing all kinds of weird stuff. So I don't know how I'm like being stable and unfettered. There's going to be some serious self-care and discoveries, that's for sure.

Time to feed the cat, make dinner, finish the laundry, and make the bed. Then I'm taking a LONG shower.

Love and hugs to everyone.

[Fuzzybear]

Hugs to all