[Blueberrybook]

I'm doing OK, a bit tired and overwhelmed. I did sleep 2 hours longer this morning because my husband decided I didn't need to get up as early as when he goes to work to make his lunch and such, so he changed the alarm time. It's not an easy feat on our alarm clock; he can't even turn it off when it goes off; he just unplugs it (should it finally manage to wake him up). He got out the manual and changed it without my knowing. I guess he felt I needed more sleep, and there really wasn't a cause for me to get up so early, and he was right about that.

I took a long walk this morning. Too long, but at least it was walking and not running, and I got back inside before it got too hot.

I picked up my medical records from my pdoc's (retiring and new pdoc). The retiring doc has miniscule hard to read handwriting, every now and then you can read a few words. I went over them a bit and found I am diagnosed with bipolar I. However, I went over the notes more thoroughly this afternoon, and it looks like she very soon changed my diagnosis from major depressive disorder to bipolar II after my initial intake. It looked like she was even wondering bipolar on the initial intake form. I guess I should have clued in when she put me on Abilify. Then, I had a huge manic episode, and she had copious notes about wanting me in the hospital, the hospital calling that I didn't show up, etc. After that, I got the Bipolar I diagnosis. She also had me diagnosed with anorexia except for around a 6 month period of time even though it wasn't typical anorexia in the sense that I never lost my menstrual cycle and I still ate normally (exercised more than usual, but my set weight after the the eating and birth/breastfeeding is just low, maybe 112-115 lb. with zero exercise and eating quite a bit of junk food). I guess she just wasn't happy with my weight (and the BMI was in that area) though she didn't make too big an issue of it during appointments except one time. If I ever drop below 100 lb., I look awful, and at that point I did, and I remember she sent me over to my PCP to get a ton of tests done and had notes on speaking with my PCP as well (I'd signed a release). Apparently, they even talked about hospitalization or not. I thought that diagnosis of anorexia had long been changed to ED-NOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified). I forgot to look if the new pdoc feels it's anorexia or ED-NOS. I think he might feel it's ED-NOS especially after having ulcer surgery.

Now my neck is stiff after going through all those records. They are now put away. It is a bit overwhelming, reading all that stuff about yourself, and these records go back 10 years, so it's a lot.

My husband is fuming this afternoon over a notice we got from the homeowner's association over a tiny infraction, being able to see his garage window-unit AC from the street. Yes, that is against the rules, but the crazy thing is he's had it there for 10 years without a single complaint from the HOA! He's fired off an email to the HOA because it really is ridiculous since the other half of that rule states that HVAC units on the side of the house shouldn't be able to be seen from the street, and every single house in this subdivision has the large HVAC system on the side of the house, nearly all visible from the street, except for the people who put in wooden fencing instead of the original wired (not to mention, when you live in a hurricane-prone area and winds can get high, wooden fencing blows down first). Since the houses were built in the 1960s, I'm sure the HVAC units were added later, probably in the 1980s and all at once by the same contractor as they all look the same. Hopefully, now that he's emailed the HOA person, he will calm down. I hope the solution to this issue will be no big deal; otherwise, he will be fuming again and we'll (or at least he) will soon be attending the next HOA meeting.

[Miss Laura]

Doing good.... still got a stonker of a sore head. Had it for 5 days now I think it's stress related as it's right behind my eyes. I'm not prone to migraines or headaches.

Tonight I went to the Bipolar Support Group. It was good to talk but I didn't say what's going on as I don't like being centre of attention... irony since I write on here. I find they are very supportive. We had a small group this month. Anyways good night I have had. Now home psyching myself for tomorrow I have a BBQ at my old volunteering group (youth work). They invited me so feel obliged to go. Invited me out for food after the bbq it's on until 3pm as it's for the community. I declined as I'm worried about what they are gonna think of me since, since leaving a year ago I haven't done anything with my life. High anxieties don't cut it. So it's gonna be stressful for me tomorrow

[Moose72]

Now after today *I* picked this tattoo and now i dont want it! We have a date set and everything. Its a cool tattoo but he thinks it represents him and me and it doesnt. Its just love in general to me.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m totally on edge about this job interview. I can’t gauge how it went. I’m more worried about whether my old supervisor is going to give me a positive reference or not. If they ask him about my attendance last year that might screw me. I’m not sure if they can ask specific questions like that though or if they can only ask if he would recommend me as an employee. I just need this job so badly I really think I would be good at it and that it wouldn’t trip my bipolar too much.

I have an mri for my back schedule for next tuesday. Hope I will be able to attend and get some answers and maybe a treatment plan for my back. It’s keeping me from doing a lot of things at this point, namely cleaning. I want to clean my son’s room but I know I won’t be able to bend over enough to actually pick up all the **** that’s on the floor. I know I should make him do it but it’s just easier if I do lol.

Ugh I just can’t stop thinking about my interview. I will be crushed if I don’t get this job. It’s the only one I think I have an actual shot at. I’m obsessing. I need to stop. I’ll never sleep tonight.

I slept all day again so that will contribute to me not sleeping either.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m totally on edge about this job interview. I can’t gauge how it went. I’m more worried about whether my old supervisor is going to give me a positive reference or not. If they ask him about my attendance last year that might screw me. I’m not sure if they can ask specific questions like that though or if they can only ask if he would recommend me as an employee. I just need this job so badly I really think I would be good at it and that it wouldn’t trip my bipolar too much.

I have an mri for my back schedule for next tuesday. Hope I will be able to attend and get some answers and maybe a treatment plan for my back. It’s keeping me from doing a lot of things at this point, namely cleaning. I want to clean my son’s room but I know I won’t be able to bend over enough to actually pick up all the **** that’s on the floor. I know I should make him do it but it’s just easier if I do lol.

Ugh I just can’t stop thinking about my interview. I will be crushed if I don’t get this job. It’s the only one I think I have an actual shot at. I’m obsessing. I need to stop. I’ll never sleep tonight.

I slept all day again so that will contribute to me not sleeping either.

Oh my. Its as if I couldve written this post! (Ive had a bad back before too) and the job worries I totally understand- you want it so bad that youre sure you wont get it. Do you have any prns to help you sleep? They say if you cant sleep dont sit and stare at a screen- get up and do the dishes or something like that.

[Faltering]

I decided to keep my job 2 hours away so I can continue to get healthcare. I can't beat $15 for Latuda. I start working again soon and I'm worried my mental health will take a turn for the worse.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Oh my. Its as if I couldve written this post! (Ive had a bad back before too) and the job worries I totally understand- you want it so bad that youre sure you wont get it. Do you have any prns to help you sleep? They say if you cant sleep dont sit and stare at a screen- get up and do the dishes or something like that.

No prns for sleep as I kinda got fast and loose with them back in April. But you are right, just sitting on Facebook all night is not helpful.

[Standup2me]

Had two job interviews today
I think that I will get offers on both.
Also got some money from my Mum's estate
What an awesome day I have had

I keep having this vision of me

Possible trigger:

commiting suicide in a very specific way. It comes and goes. I would describe it here, but I think that's against the rules.

I'm not depressed or even remotely sad, but I have this urge to go through with the vision. I wonder if it's my destiny, like it's meant to be. I watch myself do it. The vision is burned into my mind. Someone wants me to do it, but I don't know who.

I don't want to give in, but idk. I saw it once and now it's replaying in my mind. I can't get it out of my head.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by bluebicycle

I keep having this vision of me

Possible trigger:

commiting suicide in a very specific way. It comes and goes. I would describe it here, but I think that's against the rules.

I'm not depressed or even remotely sad, but I have this urge to go through with the vision. I wonder if it's my destiny, like it's meant to be. I watch myself do it. The vision is burned into my mind. Someone wants me to do it, but I don't know who.

I don't want to give in, but idk. I saw it once and now it's replaying in my mind. I can't get it out of my head.

Can you contact your pdoc? That sounds very disturbing and upsetting. I don’t think you’re meant to do it. It’s not your destiny to end up like that.

I don't want to jinx myself, but I think I'm coming out of my longest depressed state for over a year ****

If I don't update tomorrow it means I'm dead again.

[Miss Laura]

I'm good.... My headache has came back so I'm really feeling physically rubbish. I only got 3 hours sleep last night (Mon 1 hour, Tue 1 hour, Wed 5 hours and Thurs 3 hours). No idea what's going on with my sleep. I can't complain the sun is shining and I'm off to a BBQ in a few hours time before seeing my parents. Anxiety high though

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Can you contact your pdoc? That sounds very disturbing and upsetting. I don’t think you’re meant to do it. It’s not your destiny to end up like that.

Well, the voices don't want me to tell my pdoc. They say it's ok to have these psychic visions, because that's what comes with being a psychic. But the voices are being nice and comforting.

This morning they were actually playing a song for me and the birds sang along. Well, they chirped along.

The psychic vision is gone—at least for now, anyway. I might ask my therapist about the visions, though, because they're confusing and I don't know why it's my destiny. I just don't want her to misinterpret things.

I am up 4.6 lbs this week. This is around the most weight I've ever gained in one week. Basically I've gained 50% of what I've lost in 15 weeks all in one week. Though I do think there are some factors in this gain beyond just extreme calorie consumption, my binging this week was indeed the biggest factor. My mood lability has been quite an issue these past months.

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by BirdDancer

I am up 4.6 lbs this week. This is around the most weight I've ever gained in one week. Basically I've gained 50% of what I've lost in 15 weeks all in one week. Though I do think there are some factors in this gain beyond just extreme calorie consumption, my binging this week was indeed the biggest factor. My mood lability has been quite an issue these past months.

I'm sorry about the weight gain. I always hate to gain weight. I guess I have the opposite problem, not eating enough. Or eating but not consuming enough calories for all the energy I burn. I went through a phase of bingeing too many years ago; it was awful. I also felt like I was bingeing while pregnant and breastfeeding because I had to eat so much more.

I get body image issues though. Whether you weigh too little or too much and are self-conscious and unhappy with your weight (this was me in high school, before dieting/exercising/anorexia in college), it sucks.

Is your period about to start? Every time mine does and even while I'm on it, my weight goes up 3 to 5 lb.

[Blueberrybook]

I'm doing OK except exercising too much and not eating enough to gain weight. But I'm not losing weight, so that is good. Maintaining at least. Sorry to post here so much about weight issues; the eating disorder forum is much less active than this one. Unfortunately, I think my Fitbit is causing me to become competitive with my brother-in-law. He worked hard to lose a lot of weight because nearly all the men in his family die young of a heart attack. He took up running, and he must enjoy it as he will run 10 miles many days of the week. But I don't want to unfriend him on Fitbit; that would make family functions awkward.

Otherwise, I'm doing OK moodwise but a little anxious. I got little sleep because it was hot with the AC turned off, around 82 degrees in our bedroom at night with the ceiling fan on (alarm clock reads the temperature). The AC repair guy is coming out soon to replace the blower motor. Not a cheap job.

Hi cln1812. No, my period won't start for at least a week or so, and oddly I am usually at my lightest the day before and first day of it. I do think some of my weight gain this week is bloating, but not all of it. Maybe if I really try, next week I'll lose a lot. It'll be hard, though, given my stress and guests coming next week for a few days. Thanks for sharing on this.

I'm doing okay.

didn't sleep, and my leg hurts (and I nearly slipped in the shower)

but as far as the pain thing goes.. I'm just taking it slowly

mood's okay just a little irritated (but it's something that I shouldn't have done), so only have myself to blame

[251turnaround]

I'm going UP UP UP!!!

I can feel it in my BONES! I ran a 1K and I don't feel slightly fatigued. I know I'm gonna nap today. This affects others around me and I feel terrible for that. Can't hold thoughts down!

I finally "quit" one of my two prospective new therapists, so I guess the other is finalized. I had also been seeing my old therapist occasionally in the interim. She moved far away and hubby was driving me to her new location every other Saturday. My old therapist knew of my search and even agreed with me on my final choice of new therapists. I will call or email my old therapist early next week to tell her that our next scheduled appointment will be the last. It will be very sad since I like her very much. My husband suggested I bring her flowers, especially given that she has hardly charged me during the interim.

[Lifeischallenging]

So things have been really good for me. I am working on something now, which is kind of exciting. I'm hoping it gets accepted. I just had a session with my pdoc and he increased my ziprasidone. Going out soon to run a few errands. Then I will be going to pick up someone. Post again soon.

[Moose72]

Had an appointment with pnurse this morning. My case manager sat in. She is lowering my lithium and my seroquel. She told my case manager how great I am about catching my symptoms and side effects and reporting them. I said, "Well its not all just me- its my friends reporting to me how I'm acting."

Then my tire that i just had a nail removed from and fixed was low again- this time a screw. Go figure.

I called the primary dr office about the cpap again and they needed permission for something so I gave it. Omg this is taking forever...

[Scooter9]

I finished the repairs on the broken closet I was working on. Now I need to cleanup and put everything back. I had to buy a bunch of tools and things to finish this job but it's cheaper than calling someone in to do it.

I'm feeling low again...lower than the past couple of days where I was feeling a little better. I had visions of self harm but have no intention of acting on them.

I forced myself to work on the closet in the hopes that it would improve my mood, even a little, but it didn't make a difference.

I'll keep trying. I have painting to do and a garage to clean.

[Miss Laura]

Went to my old volunteering (youth work) bbq. Gorgeous day very hot. Stayed for 5 hours. They want me back but nah I'm done at the moment. Ended up cleaning up at the end of the day at 3pm. By 4pm I was sitting gave 2 glasses of champagne with my old colleagues before heading to my parents.

[WishfulThinker66]

getting depressed