[Moose72]

Im going to have some ice cream. Judo will take care of that- right?

[Scooter9]

Feeling low. I thought things were picking up for a few days but it looks like I'm back to the usual. No self harm thoughts today so I guess I can call that an improvement.

Visiting a family friend tonight with my wife. There will be drinking involved but I'll stick to 2 beers max.

I'm slowly gaining weight. I lost 40 pounds over 9 months last year as a result of my bad reaction to lamictal. I have gained about 7 pounds in the past few weeks. No idea what's causing it but I suppose it's not bad news at least not yet.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Scooter9

I'm slowly gaining weight. I lost 40 pounds over 9 months last year as a result of my bad reaction to lamictal. I have gained about 7 pounds in the past few weeks. No idea what's causing it but I suppose it's not bad news at least not yet.

This makes me want to go off my meds. *sigh*

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Pdoc knows about the sex but the tattoo is since I saw her. She asked me a percentage of how I was feeling since last she talked with me and I said "ten percent". Why I don't know! She did say she will call me this week sometime about something but that could be friday for all I know.

As for safe, no we arent using condoms. I had my tubes tied maybe 10 years ago and I know that doesnt do anything for stis but neither of us are having sex with others. So far Ive managed to only have sex with him. (13 years guy) There was a time before him before diagnosis when i went through strangers and didnt always use condoms. I dont think this is the same.

I dont know if I can see pdoc right away. I just saw her 2 days ago. There is an afterhours phone service where you can talk to people and get feedback. Sometimes they tell you to call 911- like when I took the benedryl- and sometimes they just say to "use your dbt skills" - a non-answer to me. I was all into the idea of that tattoo and if the artist had had time right then and there Id be walking around with it now Im sure. Its what he (went with me and paid) said about a big commitment now that got my attention. I still wanted a cool tattoo for sure but not to be connected to him that way.

I asked the 13 year buddy when we can get together again and he said he didnt know. This makes me anxious. I really think we are addicted to each other. And yes half that is my mania talking. The combination is incredible.

Adding: Ive been dreaming about sex!

[*Laurie*]

I'm feeling more stable on my current meds than I've felt in a long, long time. I don't even feel terribly sleepy or "flat", which is terrific.

Biggest problem right now are the wildfires all around. The heat is extreme and has been for weeks. Since early June we've had one "lovely summer day" - the rest have been scorching hot. The heat fuels the fires, the fires cause exacerbated heat, and so on, into a vicious cycle. The smoke is really bad. I'm at a point now at which my throat and ears are so irritated that it's painful, and I'm not feeling too great physically. There is just no way out of this, no where to go that isn't hot and smoky. Everything stinks like icky smoke to a point at which I feel queasy. We're really in trouble out here.

[Wild Coyote]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

I'm feeling more stable on my current meds than I've felt in a long, long time. I don't even feel terribly sleepy or "flat", which is terrific.

Biggest problem right now are the wildfires all around. The heat is extreme and has been for weeks. Since early June we've had one "lovely summer day" - the rest have been scorching hot. The heat fuels the fires, the fires cause exacerbated heat, and so on, into a vicious cycle. The smoke is really bad. I'm at a point now at which my throat and ears are so irritated that it's painful, and I'm not feeling too great physically. There is just no way out of this, no where to go that isn't hot and smoky. Everything stinks like icky smoke to a point at which I feel queasy. We're really in trouble out here.

I am sorry you are going through this and am very concerned about your welfare.

[Moreta]

Found out the hard way that oat milk isn't gluten free. Being allergic to wheat sucks, it's in everything. Only drank about 1/3rd of my coffee and by the time I got to walmart I felt like I was gonna pass out. Made it home though and took some benedryl after I figured out what the problem was. It's a bit scary driving with tunnel vision. Still a bit itchy. Other than that had a good day. Actually cooked for once. Now I have some food for a while.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Moreta

Found out the hard way that oat milk isn't gluten free. Being allergic to wheat sucks, it's in everything. Only drank about 1/3rd of my coffee and by the time I got to walmart I felt like I was gonna pass out. Made it home though and took some benedryl after I figured out what the problem was. It's a bit scary driving with tunnel vision. Still a bit itchy. Other than that had a good day. Actually cooked for once. Now I have some food for a while.

Oh my! Im allergic to seafood of all types and id be in a bad way too if i accidentally ingested it too. Glad you're ok.

[Blueberrybook]

I didn't accomplish much today. After lunch, I picked up a prescription. I think the insurance must think it is great fun to choose which dates to fill certain prescriptions from the same doctor, and you can see how many I take; I usually have to make a separate trip for each one. Hopefully, next month when I see the pdoc, he will feel I am stable enough that some of these meds can go on mail order. I know certain of them, benzos like clonazepam my mail order pharmacy does not do any more (they used to). I think I'm going to call the gastroenterologist's office and ask if they can switch my Protonix from my pharmacy to mail order because I don't even have to see the gastro-doc for 6 months. It's so far ahead, they couldn't even schedule the appointment, just told me I'd get a reminder card to call when it is time to schedule. Unfortunately, it sounds like the gastro-doc feels I should be on Protonix for the unforeseeable future, life for all I know. But he's one of the top gastro-docs in the Houston area, so I'll assume he knows his stuff.

Got the prescription and came home and slept 1.5 hr. I didn't really want to sleep; as I result, I accomplished hardly anything this afternoon, but I knew I needed the rest. I got maybe 5 hr of sleep last night. So I bit the bullet, took my whole tab of hydroxyzine instead of 1/2 a tab like usual and 2 mg clonazepam. I ran some lavender in my essential oils diffuser. Whether this helps or not, I'm not sure, but at least it smells good. I woke up much later than I had planned. It's almost time for dinner, but my husband had to go to the hardware store, and he's picking up Subway. Pretty nice of him since he doesn't really like Subway that much (my daughter & I do though), but we have a gift card there, and also it is very close to our house.

I am still struggling to read The Alienist by Caleb Carr. I hardly ever throw the towel in on a book I'm reading, but I am having some trouble with this one. I think it might be because most of the paragraphs are long, and the words that get hyphenated at the end of a line tend not to be a word you'd commonly guess to come next in the sentence. My book club meets Thursday evening. I'm going to try my best. Plus, it is nice just to have the company of other women, even though we don't know each other super well, but we all share a love of reading. We also meet at Starbucks, a nice added bonus. I love coffee.

[Moose72]

I had an anxiety attack this morning. My ears closed up and my face flushed. I felt dizzy. I don't know why.

[wildflowerchild25]

I’m really struggling with boredom. I feel overwhelmingly bored all of the time. It’s not a pleasant feeling. But I have no motivation to do anything. I can’t even think of anything to do. I know I’m going to sleep/lay in bed all day tomorrow simply because there is nothing else to do. I didn’t hear back from that job yet, and I feel that means I didn’t get it. I mean it’s only been two days, maybe they’re checking my references, but I’m losing hope. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I reaaaaaLllly want to smoke today. I want real cigarettes. I don’t know why. Probably because I’m so bored. But I don’t want to be a smoker again. I smell awful, I start coughing, I have to clear my throat all the time...it sucks. But I wish I could have one pack and then quit. But I know that’s not the way addiction works. I would be back to smoking right away.

Uuuugh I just don’t know what to do.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by cln1812

I didn't accomplish much today. After lunch, I picked up a prescription. I think the insurance must think it is great fun to choose which dates to fill certain prescriptions from the same doctor, and you can see how many I take; I usually have to make a separate trip for each one. Hopefully, next month when I see the pdoc, he will feel I am stable enough that some of these meds can go on mail order. I know certain of them, benzos like clonazepam my mail order pharmacy does not do any more (they used to). I think I'm going to call the gastroenterologist's office and ask if they can switch my Protonix from my pharmacy to mail order because I don't even have to see the gastro-doc for 6 months. It's so far ahead, they couldn't even schedule the appointment, just told me I'd get a reminder card to call when it is time to schedule. Unfortunately, it sounds like the gastro-doc feels I should be on Protonix for the unforeseeable future, life for all I know. But he's one of the top gastro-docs in the Houston area, so I'll assume he knows his stuff.

*******Aaaahh meds! I have to go get one filled tomorrow. But i'll call first because i hate when its too early by one day! Id assume your gastro doc knows his stuff too. Im sorry you have to go through this. I have bouts of illeitis- very painful also.**********

Got the prescription and came home and slept 1.5 hr. I didn't really want to sleep; as I result, I accomplished hardly anything this afternoon, but I knew I needed the rest. I got maybe 5 hr of sleep last night. So I bit the bullet, took my whole tab of hydroxyzine instead of 1/2 a tab like usual and 2 mg clonazepam. I ran some lavender in my essential oils diffuser. Whether this helps or not, I'm not sure, but at least it smells good. I woke up much later than I had planned. It's almost time for dinner, but my husband had to go to the hardware store, and he's picking up Subway. Pretty nice of him since he doesn't really like Subway that much (my daughter & I do though), but we have a gift card there, and also it is very close to our house

******I nap every day for an hour. Ell mostly. Most of it is from judo. Im just getting back into shape. ********

I am still struggling to read The Alienist by Caleb Carr. I hardly ever throw the towel in on a book I'm reading, but I am having some trouble with this one. I think it might be because most of the paragraphs are long, and the words that get hyphenated at the end of a line tend not to be a word you'd commonly guess to come next in the sentence. My book club meets Thursday evening. I'm going to try my best. Plus, it is nice just to have the company of other women, even though we don't know each other super well, but we all share a love of reading. We also meet at Starbucks, a nice added bonus. I love coffee.

Its good you have a group- a set place to go meet with people and the books keep your mind active. And the coffee is yummy!

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I’m really struggling with boredom. I feel overwhelmingly bored all of the time. It’s not a pleasant feeling. But I have no motivation to do anything. I can’t even think of anything to do. I know I’m going to sleep/lay in bed all day tomorrow simply because there is nothing else to do. I didn’t hear back from that job yet, and I feel that means I didn’t get it. I mean it’s only been two days, maybe they’re checking my references, but I’m losing hope. I don’t know what to do with myself.

I reaaaaaLllly want to smoke today. I want real cigarettes. I don’t know why. Probably because I’m so bored. But I don’t want to be a smoker again. I smell awful, I start coughing, I have to clear my throat all the time...it sucks. But I wish I could have one pack and then quit. But I know that’s not the way addiction works. I would be back to smoking right away.

Uuuugh I just don’t know what to do.

Do you have money to get out for a while? Like to Starbucks? Bring a book you haven't read in a while? Call a good friend you haven't talked with in a long time? Invite a friend out to Starbucks for some conversation in person. I suggest doing these things out away from home because then you won't be tempted to get back in bed. And leave the cigs at home! Better yet- throw them out in a public trash.

[Standup2me]

The sun on my face
A cold glass of water
My big old dog
What a great way to spend a day

[Blueberrybook]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I had an anxiety attack this morning. My ears closed up and my face flushed. I felt dizzy. I don't know why.

So sorry. Those are awful.

Someone is f***ed up enough to steal flowers from a little old innocent dying lady (i.e., my grandma in hospice). They took the flowers (which were artificial ones) but left the vase.

That really makes you a dirty POS

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by Moose72

Do you have money to get out for a while? Like to Starbucks? Bring a book you haven't read in a while? Call a good friend you haven't talked with in a long time? Invite a friend out to Starbucks for some conversation in person. I suggest doing these things out away from home because then you won't be tempted to get back in bed. And leave the cigs at home! Better yet- throw them out in a public trash.

Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow. I have a new book I just started reading and I’ve been craving a Frappuccino.

I don’t really have any friends though. I do go down and see my sister in law sometimes. I’ll set something up with her this week.

I don’t currently have any cigarettes, I just want them lol. I have to just keep myself from buying them. My son is a huge motivator, I don’t want him to keep seeing me smoking and grow up thinking it’s ok to smoke.

Thanks for the suggestions!

[Miss Laura]

I'm awake... it's 3:20am I've been lying in bed for over 3 hours now WIDE awake.

I've been looking into seeing a counsellor as I've been waiting 6 months to see a Psychologist through the NHS (Health Care system) in Scotland. My Psychiatrist said he was referring me at end of January when I saw him. I see Psychiatrist on 6th August again. I'm prepared to pay if they will be able to support me as I'm under the Community Mental Health Team (Psychiatrist/Community Psychiatric Nurse and Community Support Worker). But I feel I need more guidance with everything. So I bite the bullet and emailed a counsellor of course I have at least 7 hours before she replies. But I did it. Been sitting on this for weeks now. But I've finally did it. My anxieties are up in case she declines or she thinks I'm mental. Plus I'm having mini panic attacks (feeling sick) the sickness has been an on going problem for months. It's a panic thing. This was a big step for me cause I'm massively anxious and shy. But I need to get my life sorted. Wish me luck

[Miss Laura]

I got 2 hours sleep yay me. My sleep is so erratic lately done nights 1 hours other 9.5 hours I can't win

Ahhh, here we are coming up on 3 am. Slept for a few hours. We've cooled it off some here in our place, but it's still pretty warm. Can't take anything to help sleep at this point because I need to get up for work in less than 2 hours and I'd be too zonked. So here I am. Actually, I probably should probably save the charge on my phone. We'll see, lol.

[Moose72]

Good morning all! Sorry Innerzone and MissLaura that you couldn't sleep.

This morning I need to clean my room- but I dont wanna! Stomps feet! My stereo is downstairs and kind of heavy or Id carry it up and listen to tunes while I clean.

Judo tonight again. Why do I always feel aprehensive? Because when a certain sensei runs the class we do sit ups pushups running hopping jumping skipping... You get the picture.

If im exercising- especially since Im going to add in riding my bike on eednesday- why am i not losing weight?? I dont eat THAT much.

[yellow_fleurs]

My thoughts are still weird and dark, but are calming down a little bit now that I finished my period.Well, I think, let's see how this day goes :/ These past few periods have been like falling down a rabbit hole and I almost completely lose insight. I have always dreaded them, but after these three I am actually scared I could hurt myself.

Possible trigger:

Three periods ago I stopped lexapro and had to remove everything from my apartment so I couldn't hurt myself because I really thought I might. Two periods ago I was happier than usual before, but got mixed with depression/irritability as it started. I felt very impulsive and wanted to take pills--ended up with an open bottle in my hand and had to fight the urge. Was also doing other reckless things like speeding and had to catch myself and stop myself. This past one, I was all over the place and I think mixed based on how happy and energetic I was plus not sleeping enough, then this got combined with dark violent thoughts towards myself that I really wanted to act on. I again thought I might need to remove myself from ways to hurt myself.

I honestly don't feel that much better right now, but just a tiny bit more insight. This is really tough right now. I hope I can get something figured out within the next few weeks before this starts over again. Okay, going to do some work at the library because that is sort of helping keep me occupied.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

My thoughts are still weird and dark, but are calming down a little bit now that I finished my period.Well, I think, let's see how this day goes :/ These past few periods have been like falling down a rabbit hole and I almost completely lose insight. I have always dreaded them, but after these three I am actually scared I could hurt myself.

Possible trigger:

Three periods ago I stopped lexapro and had to remove everything from my apartment so I couldn't hurt myself because I really thought I might. Two periods ago I was happier than usual before, but got mixed with depression/irritability as it started. I felt very impulsive and wanted to take pills--ended up with an open bottle in my hand and had to fight the urge. Was also doing other reckless things like speeding and had to catch myself and stop myself. This past one, I was all over the place and I think mixed based on how happy and energetic I was plus not sleeping enough, then this got combined with dark violent thoughts towards myself that I really wanted to act on. I again thought I might need to remove myself from ways to hurt myself.

I honestly don't feel that much better right now, but just a tiny bit more insight. This is really tough right now. I hope I can get something figured out within the next few weeks before this starts over again. Okay, going to do some work at the library because that is sort of helping keep me occupied.

Re your trigger part of your post: watch that carefully. Thats how I started off before I wentthrough with it. I think theres a post in a thread about it- it starts with "triggger warning" and all the posts are such.

Wow! The sun is very red-orange today! There aren't any big wildfires around here, but there are some apparently close enough to cause this.

Just had to tell somebody.

(Haha, didn't conserve battery. Goofed off straight through wake up time and beyond!)

Hubby and I have been preparing for his nephew's and nephew's girlfriends visit for over a week now. The workload has been a lot. I still have a lot to do with cooking, baking, and last minute cleanup. Right now home-made strawberry ice cream is churning. When that's done and transferred to the freezer I need to pick up a couple of things we forgot at the store yesterday. I also want to bake a carrot cake loaf and make Beef Stroganoff before the end of the day. I'll need to clean up those messes and make something for tonight's dinner, too. Maybe tonight's dinner will be something quick/easy. They arrive tomorrow night in time for dinner. Tomorrow I will need to do another vacuuming and dusting. Hubby said he'd help with that. Bathroom rugs also need to be washed.