An Audi TT

I have decided to leave everything
As it is. I will leave the notes
Because changing them
Won't make a difference.
I never spoke about my
Private life so what else
Could they conclude
Prompted an over dose.
And that part of my life
Is in the distant past.
An advance statement
Is probably not necessary.
If I can't request a
Private room without
Private health insurance
Then I don't see
An advance statement
Being of much help.
I may shred my notes
To be perfectly honest.
When I am done, reading.

Fred: You are not a druggie
So I don't believe it
Was just stress and drinking.
You can open up to me.
Me: I was never.
I am bi-polar and
Was self destructive that's it.
I just went off the rails.
Fred: Why don't you just tell me.
Me: There is nothing I am hiding,
Will you leave it.

What If I said: someone tried.
Would he believe me and
Would he beat him senseless
And grill or question them.
If Fred was drunk he may have
But that wasn't what I wanted.
That would have done
More harm than good.
There was a definite possibility
I would have been branded
An attention seeker or liar too.
Amongst many other names.
That was not me. So I kept tight lipped.
Even when Fred harangued me.

In my mind I could
Not risk being seen
Up at the clinic.
I did not mean
Any particular person.
When I went to a n e
With an allergic reaction
My parents phoned Fred
As froggies friends ......
Texted someone and
Eventually news
Reached my parents
Before we even got home.
Two degrees of separation.
It was so embarrassing.
I'm mildly allergic to ....
Since when ay?
I felt I could do
Nothing in peace.
My plan to escape would
Fall through I feared
If I was at the clinic
More than once and caught.
All in all when
It all went pear shaped...again...
I was actually better waiting
Around in the ward
Than at my grans.
Because she ran
Back and forth
All night some nights.
I phoned the paramedics
In the middle of the night
When I had work,
The approaching morning.
It was exhausting.
And that was just the beginning.
My Mum would have
Had to have been more
Than a martyr to try
And cope with Gran alone
When she was going downhill.
I only had a small taster
Of what was to come.
Gran was a hardened alcoholic.
She was not the nicest
If she discovered her
Bottle was running short.
My ol'mum rationed it.
She had no choice.
My Gran would definitely
Have went into withdrawal
If it stopped abruptly.
It was riskier stopping
Than rationing it out.
Everyone understood that.
Her life after my Grandad
Was not of high quality.
My poor old Gran.
In later stages she
Nearly got knocked down,
If it was not for a
Quick triggered neighbour
Spotting her on
A mad dash to the shop.
I had my mind set and
Thought my only
Option was to leave, move away.
Failure to me, was coming back.
The grass is not greener after all.
I should not have seen it that way.
A gap year would have been bliss.
If I had not made the
Amateurs mistake of
Cutting my tablet for energy.
Hindsight is a b!tc* nevermind karma.

Is it everybody in that institution burning bandwith
left and right, in every possible site, or is it just here.

Cheers.

I would rather have been
Called a junk head
Than sick, forever sick.
Some drunk at the pub
Said some conspiracy theory.
The health care professionals
Were optimistic about my recovery.
I had responded so well
To the zyprexa, I was allowed
Home in a short 28 days.
It pains me to say
I need my tablet
For the foreseeable future.
But my ol'dear and ol'man
Put it in the worst possible terms.
Sick in the head is reserved,
For criminals and molesters.
Something wrong with them,
Also sounds like a criminal illness.
A mood disorder is not a sickness.
Throwing the word sick around,
I just wanted to jump out the window.
Please use a better word or phrase.
A more accurate turn of phrase
Such as you need to rest. Day by day.
But my parents were never subtle.
The doctor did treat me like an individual.
For some reason I only asked them
Am I not allowed to get angry on
My own accord now....
I stopped before saying
My reactions were a sickness now.
Because it was the people around me
Who were ignorant,
Obviously the doctor was not.
I could have asked them
Much more questions.
But I was young and just
Wanted to move on with life.
The worst had passed and
I was stable on my tablet.
You have more colour
In your cheeks also,
That is a good sign. They said.
They never told me I might
Need the tablet for the foreseeable future.
Well, they did say stick to the
Orders on the guidelines on the tablet
Box and the instructions.
I was intelligent so they felt
No need to hammer home:
Take the tablet, take the tablet
And do not stop without consultation.
They seem hesitant to give orders.
They were not a drill sergeant.
Nobody should go against,
Their doctors advice.
But the tablets don't come
Without some side effects.
Aside from the weight gain,
There is drowsiness at the start.
But I would say to anyone
To persevere as it's worth it,
If they are in my boat only though.
One I would refuse point blank.
Ahem the dreaded, last resort. Clozopine.
A second opinion can be requested
If their is some doubt and another
Doctor can give their opinion.
I have never needed to but
I understand they are human.
On the label it says in block capitals -
Do not stop without consulting a doctor.

Sometimes I got the impression
That Fred truly believed himself
When he joked: A man of my calibre
Who has high principles.
He is so lucky he never
Got pulled up by the law
For more than an illegal number plate.
I don't overly mind anyone who
Take Recreational drugs in their
Home or at a friend's house
Such as having a smoke, as
Nobody dies from getting stoned.
But when you strike someone
On the back of the head
Or brag about breaking bones
I would have said Fred
Deserved to be fined and cautioned.
The man should have pressed charges.
Fred attacked him for one reason:
To prove he was a hard man.

I did not say Charlie bucket.
I would never make
Fun of anyone for being poor.
Neither of us were poor. Ever.
Fred made on like he
Was "hard done by."
When I put up with
Much worse cr^p from
My family than he did.
He practically did
What he wanted.
His parents never made
Him get a job.
He was from a
Big family so to
Get his expensive
Mountain bikes that
He built, he had to work.
They were thousands a piece.
He was more a
Pro active person.
He liked music but
Had no keen interest in computers.
He took the lyrics
To a 30 seconds to mars song
As being gothic and morbid
Because a chorus
Included bury me, bury me.
If I am being a stickler
It does not literally
Mean bury me alive in a coffin.
He tried to ban me
From listening to a
30 Seconds to Mars album.
I went ahead and bought
Enter Shikari, Afi, Stone Sour
And Avenged Sevenfold.

I could have afforded shoes.
I did buy shoes from the source
In the end but I quit soon after.
He actually bullied me.
I was never bullied at school
So I would be damned
Before I accepted it anywhere else.
He waited until he spotted
Some more well connected parents
And he decided to say:
If you cannot afford shoes
From me try....
For a whole 15pound difference.
Like it was worth it.
They were over 20 years his jr.
I was paying my parents digs
Amongst many other things.
I was a teenager for one
A school age teen.
My parents were self centred.
I got more than enough and
I won't complain about my lot.
It made me a responsible adult...
After my wild phase at least.
It was me who suggested sponsorship
Or they would never
Have pulled their finger out.
But I was just out spoken
And saying the blatantly obvious.
I never went out of my way.

It was a good job he never got rumbled.
A prestigious school could not
Have afforded that kind of publicity.
Me and my team mates would
Not have got a taste of the spot light
If they had been caught.
But he paraded in broad day light.
I don't regret the time I spent
At the gym. I never did it for
My absent father. Please give
Me some credit. I did it
So I had somewhere to go
Apart from the cold streets.
My parents were uber strict.
My bro played pool at the pub
With his grandparents there
As well as his golf. He got
Freedom I did not and of course
I resented my parents for it.
They never had faith in me.
But the self destructive behaviour
Was because I did feel
The world was against me.
I just did not know my place
And what I was good at
Or where I was going.

It was a just a shop job
I never planned to
Set down roots.
The tills bored me
And small talk
Was never natural to me.
So I cut a corner
As did my colleague my age.
Not all the time.
Probably when I
Had to serve a customer
Or speaking to someone.
The manager really
Did not have to
Turn it into a life lesson
A teenage me thought.
Be a manager here?
My colleague would
Have suited it.
I had other plans.
The underlying message
Was that we needed
To believe in ourselves.
He knew we were not lazy.
My coach most likely
Told him I was.
At my longest job,
Hiding out the
Back and not having
To face the public
Was a bit of a reprieve
When your confidence
Had been shattered.
Like a piece of you
Is missing and you
Cannot find it.
And I was running
Out of options.
Trying to find work
Where nobody knew me.
So I was on a quest.
I saved my energy
And read more than
I ever did at school.
Novel after novel.
Crime, romance, memoirs,
Classics, fiction.
I touched on sci-fi.
But not horror.
I'd seen enough movies.
I watched horror. Never read.
It's hard to find
A good horror film.

I have nothing to prove.
The only person who
Would be a thrush
Is scrooge. So I am
Going to hold out
And do art after summer.
I never thought I would
Get the opportunity to
Do what I enjoyed in my life.
Especially after hospital.
There is not much
Else scrooge can brand me
So I am not going
To bust my gut
When it's a losing battle.
The damage is done.

I thought I had some trouble
With authority figures due
To my strict up bringing.
But it was the ones in my life.
I respected the armed forces
Since I looked up to my Grandad.
And the Police are on equal footing
With other emergency services.
I would not sneer at a fireman or a paramedic.
So when Fred had this
Chip on his shoulder
It made no sense to me.
He slated the armed forces
And the Police force
And my sport.
At work a young bloke
Came in and he
Said he worked in a warehouse
But he used to be in the army.
I was a bit rude afterwards
And said he did not
Have to say he was in
The army as he's not anymore.
One of my colleagues
Said I had the air of a soldier
When I first began.

I knew that university
Was not best for some.
I would much rather
Have secured an admin
Apprenticeship or office junior role.
I just did not know where
To look since my ol'mum
Lied to the local authorities
That was off my list
From the very start.
I said that out of 200 people
On your course only
About 20 will get the
Job they set their sights on.
And obviously that it
Cost money for more
Than just the yearly
Course fees and books.
Another four years
In uncertain education
Cast a seed of doubt
In my mind. I know
The teachers pushed
Me to carry on and
I was not simply rebelling
Thinking I was cool.
I did not want
To owe my parents.
They would not have
Helped me. They tried
To steer me to the
Armed Forces my whole childhood.
I cannot see you
With a gun.
No it was not me.
I was more or less
A conscientious objector.
I was an artist.
I was anti-war.
I disliked everything
About that life style.
Being posted with no objection?
I wanted a degree of freedom
That I never had as a kid.
It is normal to want choice.
To choose your own destiny.
I wanted to choose my own path.

I could not wrap my head
Around my parents.
They were dying to
Get rid of an academically
Inclined kid who was
A good kid and was
Never in real trouble.
I just spoke my mind.
I was afraid to breathe
Too loudly when around them
And I was not granted
More freedom by
Gaining their trust
Like how it's
Supposed to work.
It was their way
Or the highway.
No negotiating. Nothing.
I got no praise or no rewards.
I surmised if I wanted
Something I would
Need to get it myself
When I was old enough.
As much as I loved
My Grand parents they
Were very pious
And rule driven.
I was not scared
Of them like I
Was with my parents.
I just knew I had
To be quiet and
Follow their ways and routine.
My Gran would speak
About dancing but I
Found it hard to picture
Her young and care free.
She did not smile much
In the days we knew her.
My Grand father was
A pilots made and
Rode a motorbike.
He seemed a free spirit
Back in his youth.
My Gran said he
Was good as a salesman
Because he could
Spin a yarn. I can see
That being very true.

So the ol'man was always
On a knife edge.
He thought that an
Intelligent person equals
A geeky wimp or "drip."
But I had a temper
Like everyone else
In my family and nobody
Ever bullied me.
That's just so stereotypical.
So he always said,
With no grounds
That I needed a
Mind of my own.
I knew how
To use my Brain!
He would say
Because I was shy
I would be easily led.
Not true either.
I overcame the shyness.
I knew how to
Stand up for myself.
I was hot headed
But not on my
Ol'mums scale, steady.
Maybe it was his
Fault I had this
Independent streak and
I swore I would
Not be used as a door mat.
Be a lap dog. Not me.
So my sport
After school was
A saving grace.
I felt I needed
To prove myself.

Hand stand. I Will
Give you that.
Eye drops could I
Have not stayed at grannies
For a few days ?

Creamy white delight,
Hovis bread for
Bread and butter dessert
Problem solved.

I did feel like I had
No one to speak to.
Fred would trounce
My feelings everytime.
Instead of listening
Or validating or agreeing
With anything, he would
Say I had nothing
To complain about
And his mum
Had a terminal condition
And was living
On borrowed time.
So I went onto
A forum to talk.
I did not need
A therapist to speak to,
I just needed a pal
Who I could not
Just joke to but
Talk about serious things.
But I had grown apart
From my pals.
The elephant ruined
Those connections.
I could go out
To the pubs and
Have a laugh and
Drink and dance
But a shoulder
To cry on or someone
To speak to?