An Audi TT

I do not understand why
A person would ever, cookie
Try and do way with themself.
Not allowed, at their discretion.

Did he ask you if
I was going to be okay?
And I am greeted with silence.
So what did he say?
Fred: Just could I handle
What everyone will
Say about you.
Me: That was it?
Not am I home or anything?
God I hate him.

He is a two faced swine, Fred.
He told you to leave me
And then had the brass neck
To tell my mither that
It was a shame, that
It was a waste....of talent.
He never ever said
I was talented. Not once.
All he said was
My timing was impeccable
And I was a natural
But I was not good
Enough for sponsorship.

Fred: He did say I
Could do better than you.
Me: I knew the conversation
Was longer than just
Saying people will groom gossip.
So who convinced
You to visit the Looney bin?
Fred: No one did. I am
Hungry, need a panini.
Chicken and cheese.

Plus was our place to do lunch.
Two courses special.
All my pals had
A starter and a main
Or just a main.
I had a main and dessert.

I told my Mum we were struggling.
She was nice on the phone
And I told her and the bro
That he was too possessive.
I fled the house when
It seemed to good to be true.
I took a bootfull of stuff
In the car, dropped it
Off at my families and
Drove the car back,
Put the keys
Through the letterbox
And ran to the hills
Planning to never
Return for the rest.
It was almost six years
Since everything went awry.
Everyone knew I had it together now.
So my mum was the only
One who brought up
That he stayed by me
When I was unwell in rehab.
Apart from that Fred
Never went out of
His way to let me know
That he cared for me.
And even though I
Said we were not working,
We both agreed.
It was a joint decision.
But more me than Fred.
I felt I was escaping
More than us breaking up.

Not that it was someone else,
It was out of
Character for me
And I was just fresh
Out of rehab.
I felt that I had
To force myself
Even though my
Brain was protesting.
I Was well enough
To be home but
A quiet walk
Would have been
A better option.
Or sat in the car
With an ice cream
At the beach front.
That sort of thing.
But have to live and learn.

I know that he was
More of a dad than
My blood father.
But he is still selfish to this day.
Ok, not on my fathers scale.
I do not need reminding of him.
We will never talk again.
I know my step dad was drunk
When he went off on one.
I am glad I over heard it.
Here was me heaping
The blame on my ol'mum
When he was worse.
I heard him speaking
To people on the phone
And no small details
Were spared or opinions on me.
It hardly any wonder
They said I looked ok.
I guess I am a scrounging b^stard.
Well, screw him. I am
Doing my art and I
Will see my ol'mum
And just be pleasant to him.
Fit else are u daein like..
I am working...work...
What are you doing?
I work using my brain
That is what I do!
I think my ol'mum does
Not set out to compare
Me to Perth, it just comes up
Where my step dad
Knows he is an a^sehole
And does not mind
What others say.
When he says other folk
Act the big shot?
He acts like a hard a^s.
If I never had my grandparents
I would have went
Off the rails sooner
And then you could
Have sent me packing
To the system. Selfish Pratt.

Women are supposed to
Be more supportive.
I remember a woman
On a course I sat
Saying that when a
Woman is found
Guilty of a serious crime
We hate them more.
They never went into an explanation
But it was an astute observation.
I think if they had
Brought it up later in due course
It would have been a discussion.
We expect women
To be the fairer sex.
My ol'mum took
My step dad's side
Leaving me with who?
That was what hurt
The most not
Being on my side.
But I know this
Happens in more
Families than not.
What if my ol'mum
Agreed with his
Drunk ranting and raving?
Where would I have gone?

I guess I was glib for
A working class kid.
I said I am not staying
On the zyprexa and
They switched to
The right one. They
Went for one similar.
Risperdal has horrendous
Side effects too.
Ok so no or little weight gain
But by jove,
I will get the worst
Out of the way -
Prolactin halting your
Natural womens troubles.
I felt like a gargoyle
Turning to stone.
How do they
Justify doing that to patients?
It paralysed my tongue.
I think that further
Down the line I did
Not fancy my chances
With that one.
I can see it working
In small doses but
Not as the prime
Drug for serious condition.
It is lethal in high doses.
And clozopine. Now
That is a dangerous drug.
A last resort, they say.
When will patients
Be seen with people
With real lives
And not just guinea pigs?

I am glad I tried risperidone.
Because if I heard there
Was a medicine that
Did not make you
Put on weight or
Have as much of a sedative effect
I would have enquired about it.
I slept in rehab in
My three month stay but
I never slept ten hours
Once I got home.
It is a long day when
You are in recovery.
And sleep is a healer.

All medicines are a drug.
What I take is not like
Any of the street drugs.
It is a "pharmaceutical drug."
Valium is a prescription drug.
If there is a comparison
It is Valium with a kick.
It has a calming effect.
It targets the receptors
In the brain serotonin and dopamine.
It is not that complicated
When explained this way.
I have never done street drugs.

Not a selection. Cube was
Not my selection.
Used or second hand. Used.
The ringer was bad taste.
I fell asleep like I do.
I hate stupid America comedies.
Bridesmaids is an exception though.

Fred wanted a trade after school.
He did the mechanics course
At college when he first left.
He never took to it. Like me
He needed to work for money
So that would have been why he left.
If he was not trying to
Coerce me into...
Then I would not have
Said anything about him
Never getting over time.
He was happy in that job.
So I only said it once.
We never argued over money.
He sung along to Aloe Black
But we never fought over it.
I had faith deep down that
I would find something better.
He liked his work.
And I hated mine.
I was a little sullen
But I am not like
My ol'mum. I am
Fiery at times but
I am just passionate.
Fred maybe knew
He could not make
Me happy because I
Had to leave because
Of the hospital
And he wanted to stay.
We both wanted
Different things. We
Both needed different things.
I was not the one
For him either. We did
Have too many tiffs
So we were not compatible.
Time was up.

My table is medicinal.
It is for a chemical
Imbalance in the brain.
People take drugs for a high
Or a buzz or an escape.
They take valium to
Help with coming down
In many instances.
I do not see why anyone
Would need more than alcohol.
The only draw back is
Needing to pee regularly.
At least you know exactly
What is in alcohol as long
As it is not moon shine.
But yes alcohol can be abused.
And it can become addictive.
And your hardened alcoholic
Who drinks spirits can
Die from withdrawal.
I do not drink spirits.
We call my uncle the
Exorcist, do you know why?
When they visit
The spirits all disappear. Boom.

No I never said
I will never get married.
I DO NOT discuss
My private life.
Sorry for my over reaction
That's the one and
Only thing I needed
To straighten out.
And brave the shave
Was just a pal.
I told her just friends.
What they Posted
On f.b. was nonsense.
I joked to my pal
About ending up
A cooky cat lady when I
Am more a dog person.
They are the only
Person I spoke to about
That side of my life.
There are people who
Are against public shows
Of affection in any form.
It's just something people
Find annoying, like people
Who go crazy when
You eat a bag of crisps
And the room is quiet.
It just annoys them. That's it.
A hug is fine. To greet.

I needed to move away.
I did not just want to.
Fred was happy with
Our home town and his job
And the people he knew.
This was another reason
We would have tiffs.
I had a brain and
I was mopping floors
Because now my life
Was an our life together.

I bet he told his Girlfriend after me
That I took an overdose
Because I wanted attention.
That is if it came up.
He will never come clean.
He probably called me a: Not so
Secret psycho b^!ch from hell.
Our relationship was on
Borrowed time since that incident.
The clock was ticking.
I wanted my independence back
Not attention. I felt stuck in a rut.
At least I never blamed Fred entirely.
He was very possessive.
He admitted that
He burned the bridges.
He was a moody sod after work.
He was dog tired when
He tried to pin the blame on me.

Fred had no business
Taking his friends joke
Out of context.
The reason he said it
Was predominately because
I was younger than him.
Fred had an ok job
But he did not
Like it one bit.
Being stuck in
The work shop all day.
If I went to University
Or back to College
I could have made
A similar wage.
I guess I was a bit
Of a wild one
When we first met.
I was no shrinking
Violet that's for sure.

The library teacher
Said quit playing
With your "mammories."
Everyone was in creases.
My aunt and mum
Would watch the athletes
In their field gear.
The camera skirts
Across them all
At the start line.
Oh legs on him.
Look at the one
In lane number five.
What am I looking for?
The gun goes off.
Oh I know forget I asked.

Where you from?
The posh parts.
My breeether is in p sivin,
Cried Kevin.
Your inhaler is called Kevin?
No, Yuv lost it.
You have lost your breather?
Your inhaler is called Kevin?
What colour is it?
No my brother is Kevin!
I have a sis...and...

Freds boss was joking around.
It was funny because we
Knew he was kidding.
In your dreams mister, his wife said.
Yes. Fred could turn a disagreement
About something miniscule
Into him "deserving" a girlfriend
Who tended to him once in a while.
Go and visit Aberdeen harbour.
I did not say it because I knew
To not entertain his after work moods
And wait until he calmed down.
I would say oh me me me,
On my way upstairs
And he would say oh you you YOU.
It was actually annoying
Because it is not something
You say to get a reply.
It was Fred. I am on top.
I get the last word.

Feminism does not equate
To your orientation.
It does not mean you are gay.
It is for straight women too,
And straight men support
The awareness of feminism
And identify as feminists.

I was wearing on a bit, five years,
So I needed a concrete cover.
I never begged because
I had a sneaky suspicion
That I would fail the greeting.
Yes I know, Belgium.

It was Paul's boss.
The boss who broke
Their leg and went
To the pub everyday
And got a blood clot
That travelled to his lung.
His alcoholic boss.
That did not secure
Enough work. My parents
Knew many people
But apprenticeships are
Hard to find here.
If Paul saved a little
The my parents would
Have paid the rest.
Not an audi. A little Corsa
Or a fiesta. And His
Boss was hardly
A shining example
On how to conduct
Your life. Now my parents
Neighbours were harder
Drinkers than my them.
My parents stuck to lager.