An Audi TT

Oh I knew YOU
Would be here.
And I think do
They not like me
Or do they think
I am a drouth?
I only met
Them on Fridays.
They got side lined
At the cliquey workplace too.
But we were far
From brothers in arms.
Do I look a grungy?
I did not have on
Much make up.
I have only my ears pierced
At the lobes. No tattoos and
Had natural brown hair
No wild colour.
My pale complexion?
I was not trying
To look that way.
Rock and roll.

So you knew when
You were fourteen
But the boy apparently...
Please I am no fool.
I was no: you lived together.
Another pork pie.
My advice is honesty.
Trust and honesty
And then sky is the limit.

I know in the health system here
That you cannot pick
And choose who treats you.
But surely there are
Online therapists who
Are specialised with
Treating Muslim, Jewish and
Other non-christian groups.
Realistically it may not
Have been possible
For someone who
Was struggling and needing
Urgent attention from
A mental health specialist.
An online counsellor would have
Been the best scenario
If it was possible.

Yogi. Time to stop
Joking and fooling around.
Tennis ball mood.
That smirk, how did
I read it. A breakdown
Is not funny. Blue hat.
No more tea cosiees.
There was a long que-
Lunch time rush.
It was beginners anxiety.
I am not ignorant,
Not by a long shot.
I think Freds
Take me as I am
Was rubbing off on me.
Why do people here
Love that word?
It is such an
Over used word.
I will never call
Anyone ignorant again.
Definition: Lack of awareness
Lacking knowledge
Uneducated and unsophisticated.
Common as mud. Not me.

He points to his mouth
And imitates drinking
His expensive smoothie.
As he walks off I
Glare at his basket
And wonder if he
Is gloating as he
Does his usual belly laugh.
And the two pint Harry
Look was what my
Boss was on about.
Do not do that look.

I guess the kids thing
Was linked to the fact
I did martial arts.
That is a common misconception
And completely understandable.
I was just sporty.
I told my pal on
My department
That my pals
Never wanted
To do anything
A bit different or exciting.
The pictures: No.
That was too geeky.
The beach: none of
Our boyfriends drove
And parents were busy.
Shopping: Not often
We had spare cash.
They just wanted to hang
And were happy
At our side of town.
So I spent most Fridays
At classes in the Gym
And saw them on Saturday.
One of my pals
Worked in a chippie
And we met her
After work and sometimes
Reg would have vodka
And sometimes
Little and large had.
But I never drank
On the street.
We hung around with
Other girls but they
Never paid me much attention
Because I was "brainy."
We eventually hung
Around at chippies
Best pals garden.
I was not allowed
To the n.e.bs.houses
But I was ok there.
Their parents let us be
When it was just us girls.
I had a few vodka's
On some occasions.
Broke umpteem shot glasses
And even some old ornaments.
I was associated
With being a little hyperactive.
That was my friends.
Having a bailies drinking competition.
And singing to oasis and the gorillaz.

Does anyone hate oasis?
Everyone I know likes oasis.
Champagne supernova was
Always one of my favourites.

A country western dance,
Hip dance, noughts and crosses.
Not embarrassed to
Have fun anymore.
Hot choc. Not cool.
I picked my subjects.
I could have done
Physics at local college
And did all three sciences.
But I do not have any regrets.
Art has helped me
Through my tough times
As well as science.

Could tell you were drunk,
Playing darts in canary wharf.
Did not even tell his pals
We were dating.
They were lads. Lads lads.

Cute you are shy.
You probably are too shy
To make a peep
During a tumble in the sheets!
My girl pals were charmers.
The bed creaking,
I am so mortified.

I was under the impression
That I was signing
My induction papers
And watching Videos.
I never realised
The trial was
Straight afterwards.
Thank god I had
A sizable hoodie
And stretchy jeans on.
The socks with skirt -
I was in a rush.
And the other time
I walked in my trainers
And got my socks wet.
So I came onto
The floor with
A millimetre of skin
Between my trousers
And shoes and
The manager giggled.
So I bought some
New ones. My hair?
Was wind swept.
Calm down dear.
I was always so busy back then.

Hefty lumox. Humdingers.
Clodhoppers. Fat bas^ard.
Heeds losing, tough bibbys
Got it's own orbit. Gonna
Be a bumpy ride
On the irn but. Three
Cherry on the slots. Bye.

He would say health before wealth
But then snigger. So I knew
It was disingenuous.
He would say:
Be a brain surgeon and snigger.
So as a kid I would wonder
Is he mocking my intelligence?
Is he saying I am not
As smart as everyone
Told him I was ?
When it was just the way he was.
Wound up in his own misery.
Of course all he did was lie.
He never came to
The hospital when
I was being born.
He was at home
Nothing in the world stopping him.
I never knew this
When my Granny passed away.
I had reasons why
I could not go
To the funeral.
It was not that
I simply did not wish to go.
I made a choice,
Before I knew about
Him not being at my birth.
It was right by a long shot.
Because of his
Ill health I was plagued
With guilt for calling
Him a terrible human being.
When he went back
To work he was even nastier.
He would sleep
On the chair if I visited
And condemn my job.
Call ME lazy and irresponsible.
Maybe I am naive
For saying he was
Not a nice person.

I deserved to be called names
Such as a ***** for the letter.
But I was in a low and bad place.
Not for leaving Fred.
No one knows what
Goes on behind closed doors.
We were not working.
There was a seismic change
Between us. I just acted on it
Because my grandad passed away.
Life was too short and
Fred deep down wanted
Someone more radlands than me.
In the red phone box
One bloke called a group
Three rowdy women predators
And he made a deal
Of making sure he did
Not mean me. It was genuine.
He was not afraid of Fred.
He was in an older year
At the high school I attended.
People in town obviously
Knew my breakdown was
Related to others
Unfairly tarnishing my name.
That rumours were what
They were: false and malicious.

I read the agorophobic Uncles letters.
He put that my blood father must
Be disappointed when he found
Out my mum was carrying a girl.
So my blood father did not even
Try and save face and go
To the hospital to see
Me come into the world.

I think I may go and find
Out where my Gran and Grandfather
Are buried and pay my respects.
Away from prying eyes.
I do not however think
I will try and trace my
Family Tree or history.
My Granny and Granda Stone
Were enough happy memories.
I am Scottish. Born and brought
Up in Scotland.

There was also nothing
Stopping him making
My Gran a meal a day at least.
He lived under the same roof
And was not working.
He made her a toastie
On days he remembered.
And I was mad at him.
I asked why he could
Not put on extra when
Making his own tea.
It could be a kids size portion.
And if she was not eating
Why did he not do something?
Gran always ate
The toastie I made so
She must have been hungry.
He just snarled
And called my Gran
What her? For who? Her? She...
My Mum leaving made
Him hate women even more
And he never got over it.
Life was not a beach.

I am sorry. I cannot forgive
The unforgivable. I am
Not angry, or despondent.
In sorrow, not in anger.
Goodbye. Is goodbye.
Do not send me a letter.
Do not get in touch.
Too much water
Under the bridge. Sorry.
It is an easy decision
For the head, but heart?
Heart before wealth.

Is it dramatic to say they
Forfeited their right to
Be a dad when they
Did not come and see
Me being born ?

Life's a beach then
You marry one.
I know my ol'mum
Lets her belly rumble
And she would never
Have won parent
Of the year award.
But I witnessed
You first hand and
Your snide remarks.
I believe you took
Your anger at life and
Your terrible luck
Out on her and that
Was why she went
Out all the time.
It was not easy
To sit in your
Company all the time.
That was why I
Went up to the bedroom.

What did your ol'dear
Call you when she tried
To get past with the
Wash basket again?
Cack handed? No.
Bone idle?. No.
Ignorant? That's the one.
What did she call my mum?
She is a b$$$. Do not listen.
A snob, but I know she isn't and
Is just a touch shy
And tee total.
I wish my parents were
Tee total at times.

You eat to match your
Energy out put but if
You get a flu or virus
You won't be able to
Fight it off if you
Do not nip and tuck
Your diet around the edges.

I never realised
It was a full body wash.
Get some water for a wash.
Did not give them
The third degree and
Ask too many questions.
I had never met
The client or been
Briefed on their condition
Or state of health and mind.
It was not the employees fault.
I imagine it being difficult
For the hierarchy when
Staff did not stay in the job.
So they could not brief
Everyone when the trend
Was that many leave
Before giving it a chance.
When you were established
I am sure they would
Give an employee a proper brief.
It was like working blind
Some of the time.
But that was partly
My lack of experience.
Just have to try
And mirror, said somebody.

I am re-reading my medical notes
Before I lock them away in my safe.
And I have found some more discrepancies.
I am contemplating contacting
Patient support at CAB.
To see if I can add my opinion
Onto the discrepancies
And it is stored in my official notes.
I was looking into
Preparing an advance statement
And named person.
But I do not trust my family,
Not that they don't care
But they just don't
Have enough knowledge
And will not do the reading.

My ol' mum needs to quit.
But the ol'man put
Her in her place
So I am concluding
She is pushing
Herself too hard
Just to keep him happy.
She knows she can
Find another job easily.
She just has pound signs
In her eyes - the redundancy package.
Her superiors are trying
To bull her out.
It is just making my stubborn
Ol'mum more determined
To hang in there.
I am fed up of
Her complaining about
Being knackered and
Aching head to foot and
Not getting on with management.
If she could go part time
She would do it instantly.
She refused statins
So now we have
To worry she may
Have a heart attack or stroke
After the neuroma
Being enough worry.
She is pecking and panting
When she walks in the door.
But she will push
Herself until something gives.
Stubborn ol mule.