An Audi TT

And the magic is lost.Freds cousin thought she was a psychiatrist/chologist too. I was only good at sport and art because I must be autistic. I would only say artistic more like, to counteract the accusation. And I only said unique, to Freds cousin because my parents told my other friends parents that I did not have a mind of my own when they were drinking at the pub to sound hard. I did not think there was anything unique about me. Its the type of thing you say to a friend and they normally say : thank god there is only one you. But not my clan. The pair would say I had no spine or back bone, when I would rather keep the peace than be right and I would go along with someone's view just to keep them happy. You have hold your own, not be a door mat. They would say this when drinking in the safety of their own homes or out as pals. But in the real world they were not advocates of their own advice.

When you stop having fun
You may as well be dead.
Then Hemmingway took
A shotgun and bang.
I was leaving so I didn't
Have anything to lose.
I was leaving even if
It was in a body bag.
And I don't regret
Putting up that comment.
I would have deleted it
In my own time when
I came to my senses.
It was class A drugs.
If I was male I could
Have confronted, them
And ask do they
Realise the consequences
Of what they were up to
It they got caught?
Class A drugs.
Marijuana for own use,
That I can over look
And not worry too much.
But this was class A drugs.

It was a cliquey place.
And I was a shadow
Of my former self.
I found it hard to assert
Myself so your comment
Was not without evidence.
And this wasn't the job
I applied for either.
I didn't connect with
The girls my age.
They were spritely
And spoke of college
And dressing up on nights out.
I was at odds thinking
I was a washed up loser
On one hand, yet
I can do better than this
On the other. The only
Lady who made an effort
To talk to me was laid off
When the cafe changed I think.
I knew a losing battle
When I saw one.
But thanks Freds sis
All the same.

Then came the third stab.
If I hadn't been given
That chance, from your
Suggestion, I seriously
Doubt I would be here, now.
I would have been
Six feet underground.
I would have given up.
I did not get back
To the main boss on her messages
Where they asked me
To get in touch. It wasn't
Until they declared that
It was good news and,
They had another job
Going if I would like to try.
That I rang back.
It was a life saver.
And I feel terrible
For being mad, when
Your observation was
Actually not far off.
And your work pal,
Sod her stupid
Hungover joke. They
Were looking out
For my best interests
Overall too. She was
More encouraging
Than my own mum
Come to think of it.
And rest bite, said
I was a good quine.
It was like a Chinese
Launderette, not like
East enders, and being
Out back was a
God send when I
First began. Gave me
Time to gather strength.
And to the women
In the previous job,
It's not a problem.
Your not the only
Ones to make the
Same misconception about me.
I was no good on
That one machine.
In the other job though
I aced the machine,
And not everyone could.
But I have to be honest
With myself and cut
Myself some slack. I
Had had a serious
Mental break down.
And in reality I should
Have taken oodles of time out.
But I wasn't allowed
That luxury coming from
I am from. So I did
Well to land on my feet.
We make our own luck sometimes.

From my experience I
Know how gossip and rumours
Can get out of hand.
And when they said:
One of them who
Move a street away
From their parents,
I would say it
Happened all of ONCE.
I would put all
My chips down on,
It was ancient history.
Or they got their
Wires crossed. And
There is every possibility
That it was a lie.
They were from a former
Fishing town after all. Hounds.
An ancient rumour.
God only knows why
They felt the need
To dredge it up.
Maybe ignorance is bliss.
Or it just delays the inevitable.

I swear to make it
In that field you
Had to have an
Element of madness
To soldier on.
And saying I was
One of the Maguire's
Was just a reflex
Reaction borne from
Jealousy. My name is
Unusual and not stereotypically
Scottish. Or Irish, English, Welsh etc.
But it sounds like
A knights, hand
From mediaeval times
So chances are it
Really is just English.
There is no tartan
So can't be Celtic.
But I know I have
German family on that side.
So if there was a
Rumour, then chances are
My family had just
Relocated and were
Getting established. And
The rumour was
From narrow minded Locals,
Who were in no position
To judge but it
Made them feel superior.
I rest my case.

And why everyone just followed and seemed to fall in step. Most of all why poison my grandparent against me? Flustered, knew that I visited them all the time and mentioned them when I was a young teen. And when my Grandad passed, a friend of my parents said me and my bro would be so upset because they took Us on holidays most years. My Grandfather was proud of his Grand kids and I was a disappointment. My mum was so cruel. She was only working part time but complained every Sunday that I was lazy at home and didn't do house work one week. I was making head way In my sport but my mum still convinced my Grandad that I was "bone idle like my father." because I didn't do ALL the housework all the time. were my mum and I was a kid! They fell hook, line and sinker for all your lies.
She knew my Gran was house proud too so she knew where to aim at the jugular . None of my friends did what my mum expected. I did manage to ignore her accusations sensing a hint of jealousy. I was young and a high achiever. My father ruined their life and I was the remains.
I was at school and I was at the gym every night helping and training. I had no time to see my pals never mind do house work! I still took the dog every single day and hung out washing in morning. Did dishes, ironed (everyones clothes) and cooked for myself. Just because I never did the bathroom. Why did my Grand parents not realise that I should have been encouraged to concentrate on my studies and sport? My mum worked part time and it was just a flat. AND I DID help out. She enforced that it wasn't my room, it was the room that belonged to the flat that THEY payed for. That I would grow up and thank them for putting a roof over my head. It was like they begrudged having me stay. After age 16, the join up to the forces age, I was living on borrowed time. At 17 I started paying "digs."
I was supposed to be talented and my parents did nothing but make me feel insignificant. I felt like they wanted me to fall so they could laugh and say we told you so. Life is a b^tch who always wins. What was so special about me After all?

I was no Angel.
My mum told EVERYONE.
So I wouldn't even
Try and be One.
I didn't even threaten
To do "my girl."
Things were different when
I was young and we
We're practically thrown
Out the house to play outside.
So I may have said
That we threatened to,
Put them through letter box.
But none of us did.
I know it was bad
Enough to catch them
For no reason.
But I was really young.
I had a Sega and a
Nintendo but I
Wasn't at any club's.
So I went out
With My friends and
Played football or on
Scooter or bike.
I read and did
All of my home work
Of course. I liked learning.
Martial Arts was a
Wondrous step for me.
To help me get
Out of my shell.
And I wish I had the
Chance to have started
When I was younger,
Or was a cadet.
To have been a part
Of something. I
Had my family
But we weren't allowed
An opinion in my house.
I wasn't a free child.
I may have appeared to be.
So of course I rebelled.
My father joined up
When he was 15.
It was in the blood I guess.
And everyone around
Me were trying to act hard,
So it left an impression on me.

Thank goodness for the mistakes
It meant that the letter was invalid.
My 500 pound lap top
Changed the date by autocorrect
And I didn't proof read it.
Sorry for complaining.

I'm sorry about your parents. Sounds like you had a really rough childhood.

The first I was not ready
And I I was let go before
The three month trial.
The second I would
Have been paid off
Eventually seeing it was
Changing to self service.
But again I didn't apply
Myself and at the three
Month trial I decided to
Take my severance pay
Rather than fight my case.
And my personal
Life saw that I had
A second major melt down.
I left an abusive relationship
And went from one
Frying pan to another.
And I quit before I
Was due a disciplinary.
And I was set to leave,
Long before and
I couldnt stand the job.
It was the only job
Other than retail that
I could get quickly.
NOW I was too old
To get an office job
Without going back
To college and I had
A mortgage and bills
To contribute to.

Actions have consequences.
And I am fortunate
That it wasn't life threatening.
999 should have been
My first port of call.
But I know why,
Things spiralled out of hand.
Nobody sat down
And formally said:
Don't tamper with anything
Without making a consultation
Or the same thing or worse
That happened at 18
Could happen again.
I needed to come
Down to earth. This
Was a rude awakening.

My rude awakening
Was hastily followed
By a three month
Stint in hospital rehab.
My parents stopped
Visiting and I had to
Stop by theirs to
Keep up appearances
Because I lost it
At one visit.
I can't remember a
Word I said
I just remember I
Was that caught up
In the emotions
That I had sweat
Sliding down my face
And my mum
Getting moist eyes.
In an instant. Tears.
Oh, I can't bear seeing
You like this she
Said in a look to David.
And the nurse said:
You can't go with
Your parents in this state.
I must have wanted
All my belongings.
When I seen them
At their house
David jumped down
My throat saying:
Told you she would
Try and blame us.
Then he layed down
On the coach
And switched off.

Being sat In rehab all
Day, means one thing:
You can't escape thinking
About the past.
When your days
Melt into one another.
And I had been turning
Over in my head
One particular night.
David did what he
Could to submit me and
And my mum slapped
Me with such muster
And meaning glaring me
In the eyes calling
Me by the most derogatory
Blow a female can get.
I had never felt
So utterly worthless.
Like the slap
Had branded the words
Onto my face.

I cut the contact with
Everyone after the incident
With my Mum And Gran.
The doctors were going
To let me go since
I was taking what
They recommended and
Could recover out With hospital.
But I couldnt sleep
Seeing as Gran was
Padding about the
Whole night. So
I took a doctors
Advice and took
Myself back to the
Safety of the rehab hospital
Where I could rest
And recuperate properly.

I went back to
Collect some clothes
And I would endure a cuppa.
My Grans chair was
In the middle of the
Kitchen pointed to the door, me.
When it was always
At the table. And
My mum directly
Behind me. So it
Was pre-hearsed, planned
When one of them
Knew I was coming.
My Gran stood at the
Kitchen window all day
So would have seen
Me arriving. And my
Mum said oh look
Who decided to
Show her face.
It's your fault
Your Grans hitting
The bottle. Then
My Gran went baaa
And started crying
Between puffs of smoke.
And when I picked
Up what I needed
I swallowed my pride,
And I told them
That I would jump
Through the hoops.
I was more than
Entitled to the help
That was available.
And I agreed to go
To the homeless hostel
Until a solution arised.
But luckily my district
Are amazing when it
Comes to helping people
In a crisis and I
Got a single person's
Temporary let because
I wasn't an addict and
I knew how to take
Care of myself
And it was In a more
Remote area so many
Would turn it down.
I went to the library.
I did my shopping.
And true to form,
I knew I hit the bottom,
When In a shop
My eyes went completely
Out of focus, in
A hypnotic state,
Where my surroundings
Just disappeared for
A brief 30 second.
I wasn't thinking
Of anything or in
A daydream. Just
A feeling of zoning out.
It happened after
My first breakdown
When I was at a games
Night at my aunt's.
And it made every one
Uncomfortable and I was
So embarrassed that
It happened in the
Midst of every one.
At The pub I was
Just too drunk and tired.

I was really delirious,
I May have imagined
That the nurse said
I would never get
Out of the rehab hospital.
I don't think that is
Even possible today??
That night was the
Most unwell state I have
Ever been in.
I think my mind
Was paranoid. They
Were nice when
Giving me the flu jab,
And the next few
Mornings greeted me
As sleeping beauty.
And when I said
I was hibernating in
My room so I wouldn't
Spend money I didn't have,
She said well I
Can't knock your honesty.
And when I asked
For some biscuits,
She said treat yourself
And go for the
Best of the bunch,
Have the chocolate
Bourbons hopefully that
Pack will see for
A few days.

Thank God the doctor
Only shared the conclusion with me.
After that holiday
Where my mum told
Everyone I ruined it.
She would have been
Chomping at the bit
To tell everyone.
The don't take responsibility
For anything. Spending
Four nights a week
In the pub drinking
Their hard earned crust.
My Grandad had to
Buy them both a car
When my bro was born.
And a tv for our bedroom.
Thank God for my Grand parents.

I DID try on the holiday
I spoke to a lassie
But her mum said
She was a mother goose
And loved the kiddies.
So She played with them.
The family we spoke to
The wee girl sat
With me sometimes
On my lap and
Gave me a cuddle.

They got blitzed
And went on stage
One night for the
Entertainment and they
Re enacted doing a c^ap
And having sex,
On stage and acting
Like a pair of Non Educated
Delinquents and I was
Absolutely mortified to
Be associated with them.
They said they walked the dog
After sex in their mornin routine
When it was me,
Who always took him.
All they did was
Go to the boozer.

I Went snorkling in the sea.
It was nice walking
Around the harbour, marina.
We never went on trips.
And I was promised the earth
And nothing transpired.
They told the family we
Spoke to that my brother
Was an excellent golfer
Who got private lessons
From a pro and spent
His nights on the golf course.
Shining star is our loon.
And didn't say one word
About my academic
Or sporting endeavours.
I deliberately never took
A book with me
Because I wanted to join in
And take in the surroundings
Like coming face to face
With a tentacled jelly fish
After jumping cliffs into the sea.
I got a pile of cds for cheap
So I was sorted.
But my mum is never happy unless
She has something
To complain about.
So of course I
Was the out let.
If they didn't spend
So much money in the pub
Or my mum worked full time
Then we easily could
Have went over seas
On holiday. She certainly
Never spent her free
Time being a mum.
My brother was raised
By his nan and grandad practically.

On the plane there
David put his seat back on me.
First night he got sun stroke.
He made me clean
Up his vomit.
I went in a slight mood
Because I asked if I
Could go into town
Or for a walk,
And I got a firm
No not when you don't
Know the place.
When they said I
Could before we came,
In order for me to
Agree to come.
That was the deal,
I could get the bus
To the market
And go explore.
But no, all smoke and mirrors.
So I got prickly heat
From the cheap sun screen so
I went In a mood for
Half of one day, if that.
That night they got
Drunk and both of
Them slapped me
And screamed names
At Me, and I tell no lie
A glaswegian man and wife
Came to the door
Armed with a base ball bat
Saying that if they
Stayed near them they
Would be reporting them
To the child services,
And when they screamed
Back they struck my mum
On her arms with the bat
Knocked her on the floor,
And said what has
The lassie done? We saw
Her swimming in the pool
And playing pool.
Sittin ah quiet like,
It's you ars^holes that
Have a problem and
We hope you get
Your commupance. You
Can't fool us. Anymore
Noise and we call
Someone. We see priks
Like you ah the time.
And David cowered away
With his tail between his legs.
I think it was only
My mum who ran
Her mouth at home.
At least David knows
He was too hard on me.
They were hard on
My younger bro too,
But he escaped to
His nan and Granda's.
David high him and
Twisted his ears.
They were only my
Step family and it's
Different for girls.
We are conditioned
To just soldier on,
And make do and mend.
To count our blessings.
We are care givers.

I only got enough lunch
Money at high school
To last me two days.
When I began earning
I stayed extra.
So some days I walked
On home. Fred of
Course could go one
Better. They all had
To go home every day.

The money I got
From my grandparents
And my blood father
I spent on other things.
I walked home with
Someone most days
Anyway now I think on.
And I called by
....on way back too.
I only really connected
With some of the
Gang I hung around.
And my parents
Forbid me from
Going to the NEBs
Houses so when
I started to do
My sport five to six
Times a week,
I began to gain
Momentum and I
Started to assist
With classes. I
Really enjoyed teaching
The young kids.
Most of the teens
Were well behaved
And kept their heads
In the training.

Stitch, was calling
The kettle black.
Condensation. Frost and dew.
Gangster, gangster said a
Work colleague with
The crucifix. They
Knew straight away
He was a shady character.
You do come across
As a having the
Air of a soldier said
One of my work mates.

One student didn't
Understand what I
Was trying to teach
Them So they said
Your just weird.
Your just dumb
Crossed my mind.
From then on I
Just stuck to the book.

Thanks for ensuring
I was offered
A job in your branch.
Was a life saver.

I Don't think we
Will be seeing jay again.
As in lock me
Away forever?

Bottle of wine
At The door here
All chilled for you.
They say his full title.
I wasn't weird enough.
He was at the club
With girl with dreads
And fashion statement specs.

I Really hadn't had
Those crisps for years.
I was being nice
Letting you know
That I didn't see you
As a sick person.
How long would
An opened bag
Of crisps last
For crying out loud?
They Would have
Been thrown out
By the end of the night.
A 55p bag of spirals.
And calling cousin
Slobbery jock, from
One baby photo.

I Really hadn't had
Those crisps for years.
I was being nice
Letting you know
That I didn't see you
As a sick person.
How long would
An opened bag
Of crisps last
For crying out loud?
They Would have
Been thrown out
By the end of the night.
A 55p bag of spirals.
And calling cousin
Slobbery jock, from
One baby photo.
Whatever next: get
A tattoo saying 1314
When the Scots
Beat the English.