This PsychCentral online bipolar support group forum is the main one I visit nowadays. The other one (on a different website) has become very slow, and seems to often attract more girlfriends or boyfriends of a person with bipolar disorder than people with bipolar disorder themselves. They love to ask people with bipolar disorder why their bipolar bf/gf breaks up with them all of the time. I'll admit that over the last 8 years, I have probably seen hundreds of basically the same post with that topic. Generally, the members with bipolar disorder (including me) often tell them to just "move on", especially if it's a recurring issue. After all, if someone kept breaking up with me (a person with bipolar disorder), should I just move on? Why is it that since their loved one has bipolar disorder that they should just hang on and hang on being hurt again and again?

In this group, we mostly all have bipolar disorder. I have some questions I'd love to hear people answer:

1. Do you have a history of frequently breaking up with non-bipolar gfs/bfs or spouses again and again? If so, why do you go back to the person? If not, why do you think you're different than those who do chronically break up?

2. If you do frequently breakup with a SO (of some sort), are you happy they waited for you (if they did)? Or if you were in their shoes, would you move on from you?

3. If you do frequently breakup with a SO, what are the usual reasons? Do you tend to want to move on from that person to make a "fresh start"?

4. Do you think your past/current tendencies to breakup a lot (or stick with relationships long-term) is more bipolar-related or personality or individual case-related?

Any other interesting thoughts on this topic would be welcome. I'll answer the questions myself in a bit.

[Unrigged64072835]

I find this hard to answer because I also have BPD which is responsible for a lot of my relationship issues.

When I break up, it's done, over, kaput. I regret that sometimes, but honestly they were leaving anyway.

I've been in abusive relationships longer than I should have, though. Hypersexuality usually gets me in a lot of trouble.

Thanks for sharing, Fharraige!

I don't have Borderline Personality Disorder, though when I have broken up with guys (this is way before my marriage, in college and high school), it usually was final for me, too. I do remember a few guys contacting me asking again and again what happened. I sort of recall never giving them a real firm answer. I think that drove them crazy. I guess I can understand why. Really, I broke up with them for the teeniest of reasons, though I was never in love with any of those guys.

The first guy I actually fell in love with was a guy I met in my senior year at college. I must confess that I stole him from my best friend, who was soon after a "former" friend. He was obviously not innocent either, though I can at least say I was sort of manic at the beginning. He didn't have a mental illness. Anyway, I was with him for over 2 years. I never broke up with him. I moved with him clear across the country to where he was studying for his PhD in Chemistry. He broke up with me. He simply stated he no longer loved me anymore. I was devastated! For me, when I finally do love (I don't fall in love easily), I sort of love forever. It's been over 23 years since we parted. I'm not in love with him anymore, but there is a special place for him in my memories.

I only ever thought of breaking up with my husband once. It was over 22 years ago, when we were still just dating. The thought only lasted about 2 hours, then I totally changed my mind. Since then, I have never even once ever thought about leaving him. Luckily, I don't think he's ever thought of leaving me, either. I love him more than I could love anyone, really. He's wonderful!

There were a few guys I had casual sexual relationships with while I lived in Asia, in between my first love and my husband. They were not boyfriends. Just guys to hangout with and have sex with. None of them were probably upset by our parting. I wasn't. I was mostly manic during that period.

[Nammu]

I don't break up with SOs cause I don't get close to people.

[cashart10]

From the time I was 17 until 20, I slept around. I cheated on everyone I ever dated and ended every relationship for petty reasons. In hindsight, it was mania. When I met my husband, I was struggling with my sexuality (something I had done from adolescence on). Another girl fell for me and desperately wanted me to leave my husband to be with her. I ran around with her in the first month of my relationship with my husband. I ended up spending the night at her house and, while it was so incredibly hard, managed to go no further than kissing. I remember staying up the entire night chain smoking and watching her sleep. I already had a strong connection to my husband so it felt like a turning point in my life. After that night, I chose to walk away from her. 6 months later, when my husband and I were already discussing marriage, I confessed this to him and he chose to forgive me.

Since then, I have never came close to cheating and never will. The only problem I have, and I am embarrassed about it, is that in order to prevent myself from running around when I am manic, I masturbate, a lot. The hypersexuality, because of some childhood trauma, makes me feel ashamed so instead of coming on to him, I do this.

[yellow_fleurs]

I haven't dated many people, as I tend to be very selective and not interested in many people. The ones I am interested in it can be intense, and I have a hard time getting over it because I perceive an important connection, whether they do or not.
I have been with my current SO going on 7 years. While I have not cheated on him, and we are better than ever, there were some bumps on my end, of which he is not aware. I constantly felt restless at the beginning and like I should be out meeting other people. I went out to dinner with someone, and although it wasn't supposed to be a date (turns out he thought it was), I let him flirt with me and flirted back, and it turned out to definitely be close to a date. There are other times I have felt restless in my relationship and gotten a little too close to cheating in an impulsive way, like almost letting someone kiss me at a club, then stopping him at the last second. I thought about breaking up with my SO many times, when I was either restless and questioning staying in the same relationship, or depressed and felt like it was because I was bored in my relationship. Coming to terms with my moods as my own, and not part of the relationship has really helped, and I have not had those feelings of wanting to break up in some time.

[Cocosurviving]

When I was with my adult daughter’s father he was abusive. I would keep giving him a chance to change. I left him right before her 2nd birthday. My youngest daughter her dad and I were together until he started using drugs. I offered to help him get into rehab and he declined. I told him my lifestyle was not the same as his and I wished his well. I did not hear from him for a few years. Then he got clean and started working better paying jobs. I have not wanted to be in a relationship since then. When you get in a relationship with someone you take a chance on that person breaking your heart. I’m not interested in doing that. Plus I have a young daughter I do not want a man around my daughter. I have seen on my local news more than once police officers and teachers being arrested for molesting minor children. You just can not trust people now days. Not enough to invite them into your home.

[Victoria'smom]

Yes, I often ask for a divorce. When I'm manic I'm better off with out him. When psychotic he's out to get me or cheating on me or whatever. When I'm depressed everyone is better off without me. If he ever left me for it I wouldn't blame him. I don't regret informing him of how I feel because that is how I feel at the time. Have I actually left no income hasn't let me. Divorce wont ever happen for me because it's too damn expensive. Now this doesn't mean I don't love my partner.

[pirilin]

It's late, or early, according to your perspective. So I got the idea, but didn't read it all.

I had a lot of heartbreaks in my early teen. I was shooting for the moon. Even married women.
Once I got a hold of the first one, at age 16, I've never been alone.
I married at 19 the first time and lasted twelve years. Many extra marital affairs in that time.

See, I got a problem. Everyone wants to marry me.
Meaning I could never master the one-night-stand thing. I most look stupid and easy to women. Or both.

Being married all this time. Fifty two years in a row, to three different women. And being very polyamorous.
I've had many many breakups. None amicable. Always by me. Never accepted.
BTW, I can't have a relationship without being madly in love with the other party. I fell in love every week.
I think four breakups a year for extracurriculum activities, is not too far fetched.

My second marriage, coincidentally, also lasted twelve years.
I ran away with a friend, married woman. I lost it all.
She almost lost it all, but the main house. She lost more than me.
In a company, money and properties, I was scraping a mill. Probably more.
She was closer to three mills. But at least she had a place to stay.

We cohabited for ten years. I didn't wanted to marry officially again. My bad.
All the diplomas and titles she has accquired, are with the previous guy's name.
The father of her daughters.
She warned me. "Once you start a career, you don't change names". "Let's do it now".
I said no. "You don't have health insurance". I said no.
"The capital we accquiring will not be equally half and half.". I said no.
I was healthy, making way more money than her, and living with her. Why sign a piece of paper.

One day, she decided that we needed to file together and for that, we needed to get married.
It was in April. I asked what was the latest day I could wait to make it work. "December 31". I was a marked man.
I finally agreed, only the court was closed on the 31. It had to be on the 30th.

We were dressed like we did every day. Me, in a regular bussiness suit, she in a lab coat.
Those were the wedding rags.
In ten minutes, we were signing papers. Thirty dollars for the licence.
A lady approached with a Polaroid camera, took a picture, and charged me five dollars for the wedding album.
At the court steps there's a hot dog cart with good kosher hot dogs. The wedding reception costed me an additional six dollars.

Total expenditure for a full blown wedding, forty one dollars. Life was good.
BTW, she waited two years so I could buy her a real rock. More like forty one thousand this time. I got it wholesale and is an investment, not a expenditure.

We have been together thru thick and thin, for twenty eight glorious years, and counting.

My encounters with cupid never stopped. She was too busy trying to make something out of herself to notice. Or didn't wanted to know. Until my last big, three years depression.
I couldn't conduct business as usual, so I quitted the sport.
As of late, I've been practicing again, thought. Only now, what I like, doesn't like me.
And what likes me, I don't like. If you know what I mean.

There. Many forced breakups. Always putting the santity of marriage in front.

Thanks, everyone, for sharing your stories!

[wildflowerchild25]

I don’t suffer from hyper sexuality when manic so maybe that is what helps me but I have never cheated or even thought of cheating. I’ve only had three serious relationships in my life however. The first one started when I was in high school. We broke up once and it was because I didn’t like having sex with him. We got back together because he was in love with me but looking back I only did it because I didn’t want to be alone. I finally drove him away for good with my erratic behavior and multiple hospitalizations.

Shortly after I met my husband. We were together eight years before he died. I don’t remember ever wanting to leave him. I remember some rocky times in our relationship (due to my erratic behavior again and his drug addiction) but we would have never gotten divorced had he lived.

My current boyfriend and I have only been together 4.5 months but he’s already gone through a hospitalization with me and he didn’t leave. I was shocked that he stayed and seemed to still like me very much. I can’t guarantee that he won’t every leave me but I know I won’t be the one to initiate a breakup. I’d rather work on things with my SO than break up. We’re already talking about living together in the future ina roundabout way so I think this is for the long haul but it’s hard to say since it hasn’t been a long time.

Originally Posted by Nammu

I don't break up with SOs cause I don't get close to people.

That's unfortunate, but I'm the same way.

For me--and this may not be the case for you--I think part of the problem is my very negative past experiences. I've gotten bullied and backstabbed all my life, so now I'm just put off by getting close to people in general, even though I know that most people have matured by now. (I'm 27.) So I keep my distance.

To elaborate, though: Not all of my backstabbings had involved BP, but usually they have (because I'm psychotic or in an episode and acting weird). When I wasn't in an episode or psychotic, my poor social skills ruined things for me.

I think the poor social skills are related to the after-effects of BP, though. Like, because I was often in an episode, I never developed the proper social skills to carry on with life. So when I was finally stable for perhaps a few months at a time, I had no social skills to keep me afloat.

Now, I were to break up with an SO, my reasons would likely be tied to some sort of psychosis (like Miguel'smom).

[UpDownAround]

I have been married close to 30 years but we haven't really felt like a couple for the last 10. We share a home but not a bed, not even for a minute. Still says she loves me and gives almost polite kisses when one of us leaves the house or at night before going to our separate rooms, but no embracing. Doesn't want to go out with me alone, with her friends when they have some got together where spouses are invited or to activities associated with either of our workplaces (Christmas parties, etc). So it's like we are broken up. We will separate for retirement. I am not sure we will divorce. She doesn't care about being in any relationship. I do, but would probably be okay with a separation agreement with the boilerplate:

live separate and apart, each from the other, as fully, completely and in the same manner and to the same extent as though they had never been married.

1) Never. No on/off relationships.
2)n/a
3)n/a
4) I think it is most often a personality thing. I've read quite a few of these partner accounts as posts here on PC, and TBH, they very often sound textbook BPD. Makes me wonder if they're misdx'd, a missed additional dx, or just "bipolar" (in the way people willy-nilly use it, like in the way people amateurly "dx" others as NPD --narcisisstic left and right).