Fighting with Myself

I feel like two sides of my brain are fighting: a self destructive/impulsive side and a rational, healthy side. I do not feel at home in my own mind. It is tiring, and confusing. I feel like I should just be able to stop this other side and have normal thoughts. This is especially hard to come to terms with when I otherwise feel "fine", but keep letting these thoughts in. Can anyone relate? Told my pdoc I felt "weird" when he said I seemed better and less depressed. When he inquired further I just could not explain what I even meant. Not sure if there is a point to this post, but thanks for reading!

Sometimes we can't explain things when the doctor asks that has happened to me. Other times I can't remember what I wanted to tell the dr

That's exactly how I feel a lot of the time

I know what you mean. I get psychosis where i get two voices fighting each other swearing and yelling. Usually one voice is me and the other a stranger.

I get what you mean. I have that too. LIke, on one rational level I know that whatever I'm doing, thinking, feeling is not healthy for me, but on another level, I do it anyway. I've always had that self-destructive side, and, worse, I know I shouldn't use it, and yet I still do.

Been there done that and bought the T-shirt.

I guess I’m use to it. My T and Pdoc know exactly how I feel. I think over the years of telling them bits and pieces they just ask.... how’s the ongoing verbal fight ? Kinda makes me laugh tbh.

I'm so glad you posted this because I go through it now and then. Was doing it a lot lately. One part of me was wanting to give into hypomanic thoughts. The other was telling me I better not; I've made too much progress.

I was actually beginning to think I had been misdiagnosed since I'm so new to this. I was under the impression that you were either depressed or (hypo)manic) not really being able to control your action on the manic side. But I got through the day without any stupid decisions or turning to alcohol. I also made a BIG step yesterday that is one of the things I knew I needed to get out of my life but was holding onto. But, that was one area where my brain was fighting.

Two sides of brain fighting? Oh yeah. And usually the destructive side tells the rational side that it's idiotic and delusional.

^^ This is my brain today.

happens to me a lot

How are you feeling today?

Thanks for checking I am doing okay--still fighting internally with myself, and kind of feeling like the rational voice is getting a little drowned out, but still overall in control. I am also little unsure of how I feel about the fact that I am wide awake off of little sleep the past few nights and don't imagine sleeping much tonight, but not feeling too off otherwise so doing a wait and see kind of approach.

Your holding your own that’s a good thing !

I appreciate the encouragement!