[amicus_curiae]

After hospitalization I returned home mania-free.

I’ve been in thrall of some degree of mania for at least 18 months. I loved it even though it was harmful: We enjoy the flirting with danger, don’t we? I do. I did.

Others here have written of enjoying the high, I think? And I’m not depressed, exactly. But I do feel as if I’m mourning the loss of the best part of myself.

Numb. Do you know that feeling? I spent $3,000 on shirts, $1,000 on shorts, and $4,500 on new hats as motivational clothing to go outside. This was before I was hospitalized. I’m back to being in bed 23 ½ hours a day... back to blood pressure drops, fainting, and cracking my skull again. I have to spend some vertical time off my back.

Last week my 8-year-old shower bench broke after years of stress that popped two screws. My new bench arrived today — all points of stress are welded; it seems so much safer. I need to wash the blood out of my hair lest someone mistake me for Santa Claus with the white of my hair and the red of my blood.

[Unrigged64072835]

Yeah mania can bring some good times...until they're not good anymore. The numbness doesn't help either.

[Movingon69]

I mourn the loss of most of it as well. But, boy I tell you, I make horrible, self-destructive decisions during that time.

[yellow_fleurs]

Hope you can find some peace and joy being stable. I am sure it dulls in comparison. Also, that is concerning about the fainting/cracking your skull. Is there nothing to be done by the doctors? Do you need more support?

[Blueberrybook]

Sorry...I hope you can come to terms with stability again. Even after hypomania, I can find stability hard to adjust to.

[cashart10]

Once, I was so incredibly euphoric that I believed God was allowing me to experience Heaven on earth. I’m certain no drug could ever get me that high. Despite all of the destruction and psychosis that came with it, I still find myself jealous of that feeling. These days, when I find myself manic, most of me wants to ditch the meds and chase the high. I don’t though...I know the damage it does to my family and I choose to call my pdoc while I still have some perception. We almost always put out the fire quickly with med adjustments and often it makes me feel downright boring.

[Gabyunbound]

I echo what everyone else has said, and I'll just add that I've been in mourning since my last big, euphoric hypomania about 3 years ago. I miss my manic-self. In some ways, it is the best of myself, in some ways not so much, in some ways the worst (depending on the episode), but when I'm high, as someone else said, there can't possibly be any drug that can compare to that tremendous feeling.

I also feel flat. And I wonder if I really am flat, mood-wise, or it's just what I feel in comparison to hypo/mania and that's what it's about. Maybe if you think of it like that, it might help: that you're not actually flat, but it's just that you've come down from the mania and in comparison, that's how you feel. Maybe once you're further and further away from the mania, you won't feel so flat any more. I hope that for you.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Movingon69

I mourn the loss of most of it as well. But, boy I tell you, I make horrible, self-destructive decisions during that time.

Yes, exactly. That’s what I end up asking myself — “how can I be so self-destructive?” Not while I in flight, but after I’ve crashed and the consequences come into play.

I don’t know how to deal with this. It’s been so long since I’ve put myself into this kind of financial situation. I can last for two weeks, maybe. My power will be disconnected, I won’t be able to repay my payday loan, my AT&T bill or my rent.

I’ve really screwed the pooch this time. If I could get the high back I could... I could handle this better.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by yellow_fleurs

Hope you can find some peace and joy being stable. I am sure it dulls in comparison. Also, that is concerning about the fainting/cracking your skull. Is there nothing to be done by the doctors? Do you need more support?

Oh, yeah, the fainting is due to “prolonged bed rest.” Last summer I had 5 burglaries — and my computer was stolen from my den. I was up in my wheelchair for a good 16-17 hours a day in the den, writing away. When I lost my computer I retreated to my bedroom and bed. Almost one year ago. I have blackouts about twice weekly and when I fall face-first (or skull-first — I sustained a six-stitch wound on the crown of my head two days ago) I’ve had eye socket and skull tissue enter my brain.

I hate being stable. I’m on new meds and have had doses of ‘old’ meds increased. I feel like adjusting my meds myself.

I don’t feel anything.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by cashart10

Once, I was so incredibly euphoric that I believed God was allowing me to experience Heaven on earth. I’m certain no drug could ever get me that high. Despite all of the destruction and psychosis that came with it, I still find myself jealous of that feeling. These days, when I find myself manic, most of me wants to ditch the meds and chase the high. I don’t though...I know the damage it does to my family and I choose to call my pdoc while I still have some perception. We almost always put out the fire quickly with med adjustments and often it makes me feel downright boring.

That’s what I want to do — “ditch the meds and chase the high;” that’s what my addict friends say — “chase the high.”

The only god that I believe in is myself, at my most manic. I need to entertain myself but I don’t know how; not like this.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound

I echo what everyone else has said, and I'll just add that I've been in mourning since my last big, euphoric hypomania about 3 years ago. I miss my manic-self. In some ways, it is the best of myself, in some ways not so much, in some ways the worst (depending on the episode), but when I'm high, as someone else said, there can't possibly be any drug that can compare to that tremendous feeling.

I also feel flat. And I wonder if I really am flat, mood-wise, or it's just what I feel in comparison to hypo/mania and that's what it's about. Maybe if you think of it like that, it might help: that you're not actually flat, but it's just that you've come down from the mania and in comparison, that's how you feel. Maybe once you're further and further away from the mania, you won't feel so flat any more. I hope that for you.

It is. The best of myself. I’ve experimented with a number of street drugs but never became addicted to anything. If I had to choose I would have chosen heroin. That high is so different from mania.

Yes, I feel flat. I feel empty. I need the mania to feel anything. I miss it so badly. I’m not quite feeling myself.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Sorry...I hope you can come to terms with stability again. Even after hypomania, I can find stability hard to adjust to.

Stability bores me. It upsets me. It isn’t what I want.

Mania is a motivator. This? Dull and empty.

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by amicus_curiae

Stability bores me. It upsets me. It isn’t what I want.

Mania is a motivator. This? Dull and empty.

I miss mania too. She is my good friend. She was there with me when I bought a Miata, when I moved across the country and when I started renovating my bathroom at 10pm on a Friday night. So many sleepless nights, she cradled me in her arms

She has also betrayed me, lied to me and held my hand as I did stupid and ill-advised things to myself. She egged me on, praised me and whispered strange thoughts in my ears

Oh I miss her so very much. So much. My heart aches for her.

[Poe824]

I can so relate. Even thought is usually led to some form of self-destruction it was sure fun before the crash. Now going through a long phase of lower lows and infrequent highs I don’t even feel like myself anymore.
Only problem is the consequences tend to be high. They may start small but they only seem to get bigger with time.

[pirilin]

Yeah man. Mother mania is wonderful.
I live in Ts, shorts and flip flops. Too hot down here.
Hence my love for hats. I have a closet in a secondary bedroom full of 'em.
My son counted three hundred something once. I got more now.
I also love sunglasses. Over one hundred pairs fer sure.
I got only like maybe fifty shirts. I use polos more. Yeap, over a hundred too.
Sandals is my new hobby. I found a place called Gear Best, and I'm building 'em.
It took a while to get the right numbers to the right sandals. My feet are too skinny.
Last order was eleven pairs.
And, the formal wear here. Bermuda shorts. two or three of each color.

When I go to Miami, my alma matter, I dress up. Long pants and shirts.
But nothing like NY to get the real rags out of the closet.

I sold all my yellow gold chains in one of those tantrums, but I still have kept the white. And the watches. Or most 'em anyway. At the bank now, with a few good rings. My son took two or three every time he visited.
As you can perceive, you're not alone in letting 'em fly.
Money aint nothing 'till you spend it.

Get well soon. We miss 'ya.

[Pookyl]

I used to love being manic and mourned every time my my mood changed. However, my manic moods are now scary and involve some very irrational thoughts e.g. believing that I could fly. So I don’t enjoy being manic as much.

[bpktvikesfan]

I am scared of mania, it has led to too many destructive things in my life. The meds dont work so I have had to have ECT therapy on two separate occasions and that saved me but took a lot to heal from. I do like how confident I get when manic and wish i could be that way always.

[UpDownAround]

Originally Posted by cln1812

Sorry...I hope you can come to terms with stability again. Even after hypomania, I can find stability hard to adjust to.

I do miss being hypo sometimes.

Anyone who would experience my full blown manias would not be missing them. Even the elated manias came at a price inevitably.

Elated mild hypomanias are perhaps a different story for me. If I could set my mood volume just a bit above "normal" for long periods, that would be grand. But even as that "volume" increases a bit, there are at minimum small prices to pay. If others haven't experienced such ramifications over time, then they had a lucky course, if depressions weren't that disabling. I know that there are even other people out there that have paid an even higher price for manias than me.

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by pirilin

Yeah man. Mother mania is wonderful.
I live in Ts, shorts and flip flops. Too hot down here.
Hence my love for hats. I have a closet in a secondary bedroom full of 'em.
My son counted three hundred something once. I got more now.
I also love sunglasses. Over one hundred pairs fer sure.
I got only like maybe fifty shirts. I use polos more. Yeap, over a hundred too.
Sandals is my new hobby. I found a place called Gear Best, and I'm building 'em.
It took a while to get the right numbers to the right sandals. My feet are too skinny.
Last order was eleven pairs.
And, the formal wear here. Bermuda shorts. two or three of each color.

When I go to Miami, my alma matter, I dress up. Long pants and shirts.
But nothing like NY to get the real rags out of the closet.

I sold all my yellow gold chains in one of those tantrums, but I still have kept the white. And the watches. Or most 'em anyway. At the bank now, with a few good rings. My son took two or three every time he visited.
As you can perceive, you're not alone in letting 'em fly.
Money aint nothing 'till you spend it.

Get well soon. We miss 'ya.

During the Summer I wear nothing but short-sleeved Cuban-style camp shirts with loop collars (the latter are a must). They can be quite pricey.

I wear shorts year-round - 7-9” inseams cover my stumps quite well.

I’ve not counted my hats, lately. I have everything from beaver-fur fedoras, hombergs, etc., to fine Panamas. Everything in-between. 70, maybe? I had racks installed that will hold 60 but I’m looking at 15-16 on my dresser just now.

My problem is overspending!

[amicus_curiae]

Originally Posted by bpktvikesfan

I am scared of mania, it has led to too many destructive things in my life. The meds dont work so I have had to have ECT therapy on two separate occasions and that saved me but took a lot to heal from. I do like how confident I get when manic and wish i could be that way always.

I’m an experienced ECT veteran, but I was in hospital at the time AND I was stuck in depression.

The med cocktail just has me flat, numb, empty. But I admit that I am self-destructive when manic. I was sometimes severely manic and I don’t know if there’s a word or slogan for long-term, short-of-full-blown mania?

For the past few days I’ve slowly been adjusting my meds. I was so ‘drunk’ (not from liquor!) yesterday that I took 20-minutes to arise from bed to get into my wheelchair. I’m going to have to work on that.

[pirilin]

Originally Posted by amicus_curiae

During the Summer I wear nothing but short-sleeved Cuban-style camp shirts with loop collars (the latter are a must). They can be quite pricey.

I wear shorts year-round - 7-9” inseams cover my stumps quite well.

I’ve not counted my hats, lately. I have everything from beaver-fur fedoras, hombergs, etc., to fine Panamas. Everything in-between. 70, maybe? I had racks installed that will hold 60 but I’m looking at 15-16 on my dresser just now.

My problem is overspending!

I guess you're referring to the guayaberas.
In a trip to Panama, I had ten custom made for me. My sleeve is too short.
Embroided linen in solid colors. Some with pockets, some without.
I also have 6 of the authentic ones in linen with the four pockets, no embroiding, just the classic pleats.
BTW, guayaberas were never made in short sleeve. I should know. I don't have any.
But hey, to each its own.

I have a replica of the hat used in the original Superfly movie. Purple with the cheeta band. My favorite. Head turner.
Of course, I also have the suit to match. Same lapel. Bell bottoms.
And, you guess it, the shoes. And the rest of the accesories.
Great for custom parties.

Well, I'll let you be now. Enjoy your stuff and keep spending.
We can't take it to the grave.