Struggling to maintain sanity PLEASE READ I need SUPPORT PLEASE

I’ve stayed away because I have been struggling, very hard. Mixed episode with what I realized last night paranoid psychosis. My S.O. is my sole support system, period. We have been arguing these past weeks over trivial things.

Neither of us are one to pick fights. What I realized last night is that I am delusional with paranoia and it’s bled into our relationship.

These past ... since my stepdad died last November, it has triggered ongoing stress, unprocessed grief, dumped by T, didn’t click with the next T.

The T from Ketamine has her Ph.D and we click but she is far away (almost two hours) and is expensive. Ketamine did have lasting effects on C-PTSD, although she and my pdoc want me to do EMDR (although she quietly confided it didn’t help her).

I’m trying to sell my home. It is so hard to get two hours’ notice to get the house “ready to show” and vacate for an hour. I have two households of items in this big house I cannot financially maintain. I REALLY need to have a garage sale. How do people manage it?!?

Physical problems with daily migraines EVERY day. Chronic pain, 24/7 back and neck.

IP was discussed by pdoc last week. IP was discussed last night with S.O. I’m booked to be gone an entire month this August to go out of state. No refundable lodging, thousands.

I need to find a home or some place to live when my home sells. Out of state. I WANT that...but this STRESS has cycled me into mixed and psychotic. Not floridly psychotic, now have insight.

This couldn’t be worse timing.

Med changes. Klonopin reduced. Lexapro titration 21 days and quit (it seems like HELL...is it me)?

Pdoc must have picked up on my paranoia, as he asked me if I was...I had no insight so I honestly said “no.” He raised my antipsychotic.

This man has saved my life a dozen times, I swear. S.O. getting up there.

WHY am I treatment resistant? My life is...

Will go on Trintellix (sp?) halfway through Lexapro titration .... all I know is it is an SSRI.

I haven’t been here because I cannot support anyone right now, I’m too sick.

But I’ve needed to be here. I’m crying and freaking out and just....I must get through this.

I am not suicidal. I am unstable and if I decline fast.....well I have to hang on. I do not want to die. I want this pain, angst, doubt and just bad wild feeling to end.

How can I bear this?

We're here for you, RainyDay, I'm glad you're getting help and I hope they can help you, please keep posting as well we can listen to you

Your post and empathy has tears in my eyes, in a good way (literally). Thank you for caring.

I will be there for you all when I pull through this. I just don’t know how to bear it.

I didn't want you to feel as if nobody had heard you, rainy

I'm so sorry RainyDay for all of your pain, your sorrow, again, your pain. Keep going, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day... You can do this.

I'm so sorry. It's tough when you're struggling. I'm glad you are getting some help. I hope things turn around for you. We are struggling financially too, and it really sucks and makes anxiety that much worse.

I am so sorry you are struggling.
know that we are here for you.
be honest with your health care professionals..
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

RainyDay, I am so sorry things are so tough right now. I hope the med changes help. It sucks how it takes so long for the meds to kick in though.

I'm really sorry you are going through. We are trying to sell our house. So, I understand the stress you are feeling there.

When in August do you leave? There may still be time for you to go IP before you have to leave and lose your money. You certainly don't want to be traveling in this state. It sounds like you have tremendous respect for you pdoc. Can you call him? Get another appointment and talk honestly about how you think you were wrong when you answered "no" and talk through your options with the travel coming up?

Please keep us posted.

Just wanted to say I'm listening and I hope that you pull through OK. Sounds really rough.

You have my love and admiration. You also have my support.

I am so very sorry you are struggling.
You truly have a lot on your plate. I do understand your frustration.

Please take things a step at a time, a moment at a time, if possible.
Please let me know if I can help in any way. I wish I lived nearby.

Stay safe.

WC

That’s really rough so sorry you are dealing with that!

(((((((((RainyDay))))))))) That is so much going on! I'm so sorry you are struggling so. Very glad you reached out. You are such a supportive person and I'm glad you remembered we're here for YOU too.

Like Movingon, I wonder if you could go IP now, before your planned August trip. It might give you one less thing to worry about(?) Travelling mixed is no fun. Can tell you that from personal experience. Among other things, ended up sleeping in the tub from paranoia despite severe physical pain and going wrong way down an off ramp of I-80. Not good. So we want to see you healthy (or at least healthier) for that endeavor, yes?

Lexapro CAN be hell, it's not just you. (It put me from extreme depression to totally bouncing off the walls in 2 days, then hang on for the ride as the Dr. didn't recognize she'd misdx'd from this massive clue). Then he is adding ANOTHER AD?! I'd question him about that. Has the increased AP helped at all?

Much You will be very much in my thoughts. Keep posting, ok? We're here for you.

I am so sorry you are struggling. Big hugs. You are not alone and I'm glad you reached out.

I am sorry you are going through this terrible time. There is too much happening in your life that is causing you much distress. This needs to be moderated if at all possible. I want you to keep in mind that the importance of your mental health is above everything else, even though it may cost you thousands. Still, that out of state trip may have theraputic value. Preparing for it may be an additional stressor. Hang in there. Take one day at a time. You are a worthwhile person. I am sure all of us here think so.

Oh Rainy...I'm sorry it is so hard right now. I agree with the others that maybe getting into IP immediately would get you help and get you out before your trip. Tell them you need to be out by the 1st which is reasonable at this point.

My therapist always tells me to do what I can do it when I can do it and that seems to be solid advice.

I'm here for you. PM and I'll get back to you sooner than I usually do.

Wow, that is a whole lot to deal with. Mixed episodes are hell, and add in psychosis and I cannot even imagine. I hope the med change helps and that you feel better very soon.

(((((RainyDay)))))

Sorry that you are going through so much.

Would it be possible to get an estate agent to auction off your excess house items? Two houses worth of stuff is too much.

If you want (and if you can trust your SO) have a power of attorney done so he can sell your house while you’re gone? Put your own stuff in storage until you come back.

Just some ideas...

Much love and support to you, rainy. It sounds awful.

Life needs to get off your back for a while. I’m so sorry your struggling but my god your plate is over flowing cracked and ready to break

Please keep posting here hun

Hey Rainy!!!

Please, don't ever again stay away from us when you are in trouble.

I'm flying at Godspeed now. I'll come back to your thread ASAP. XoXo.

Rainy, we're always here for you without the requirement of needing to offer support. Just knowing people understand is enough support sometimes. Please never stay away just because you don't think you can help.

Your relationship with SO is getting bad because of the mixed episode. Is there a way you can push out your trip not refund it? If not I think you should go IP now so there's a possibility you'll be out in time. You don't want to loose SO. If you can post-pone your trip I would call pdoc Monday. Does he have an emergency number that you can call today?

If a garage sale is to much are you well enough (with the help of SO) to box up all the extra's in the house and donate it to a homeless shelter for a tax write off?

Is it possible for you to stay with SO while selling the house and finding a new one? I forget if you guys live together.

I once wrote a blog post titled "Dear Life: Would You At Least Start Using Lubricant?". I recognize that sort of desperation in your post and wish I had some words of wisdom that would make life suck less for you. Just know that your friends here at PC are here and you can talk to us anytime. (((((HUGS)))))

—-break this down into prioritized steps. Do you have a friend/s who could help?
I moved out of state, total of 3 moves in 4 yrs to choose the town, learn the new town by renting, then buy the perfect house. It went so well, I am getting my real estate license. And if you haven’t picked a town, Phoenix is a hugely popular destination. Nextdoor is a community website where you can alert people to your garage sale. Maybe there is a garage sale website for yr area also. We did an estate sale once. Have a separate area for more valuable items so it is always supervised. Home Depot has great moving boxes, uhaul has moving items and a great website w advice. Currently I have been disintegrating just like u because I chronically try to do too much or too little w these darn mood swings. I wouldn’t do any more titration than necessary while all this going on. It’s too hard and u r going to start w dif docs in new community. Hugs!
I made computer tables, eg charts for service people, stores, doctors info in new town. Nextdoor community website is just incredible for making friends, getting referrals in yr new town.

Just checking in on you, rainy!


WC