Where Is The Light At The End Of The Tunnel?

I haven't posted anything on this site in some time now. I honestly don't even know why Im even bothering to write this even now. Guess its bcuz I have no where/ one else to turn/ talk to? Even though I feel like nothing, and no one should waste their time reading this.

For starters, Id like to point out that I'm not in therapy (never found therapy to be any help, never) as well as I do not take any dr. prescribed medications. I've taken a more "Natural Approach" to dealing with my issues vs. the more sought out way of managing em. Would appreciate if anyone reading this would keep in mind that everyone is different, just bcuz one thing works for one person, doesn't mean its going to work for others. I would also greatly appreciate it if you could respect my choice in all this?

I know we all have our own trails and tribulations in this life of ours. That being said, these last four months have been altogether, so, beyond chaotic. Four months ago, I allowed someone into my life. Yet little did I know how things would transpire from there. The few online friends (I do have) have all told me she sounds like a Narcissist, and given the last four months, Id have to agree.

This is not the reason I'm writing this though, to complain about an X..... Well, It has a little to do with it I guess, as I was single and alone for 10 years before she came along. Yet now, after breaking it off, now I'm facing this long and lonely road yet once again . And for me, that is beyond suffering, its pure torture. As I am altogether beside myself drowning in this abyss of loneliness and despair. Yet, it's not just bcuz of the break-up as why I'm feel like this....... Have been feeling this way long before she ever came along.

People tell me all the time to get out more, go do something positive, go make some friends. This, however, is not as easy for me, as I not only suffer from a hand full of mental conditions/ issues (such as rapid cycling bipolar w/ psychotic tendencies.... complex-ptsd.... dissociate disorder..... social anxiety and sensory overload from time to time), it's the agoraphobia which makes life that much harder though. Well, its all hard to deal with really. Yet it's leaving the house which can fill me with debilitating anxiety, not even able to go get much needed food and supplies as you watch what little you do have left, slowly (but surely) fading off the shelves/ from the fridge.

I do have a job, yet that is not as cut and dry as being an awesome thing, that I'm actually able to hold/ keep a job. As my boss has said many times over the years he hates having to keep me employed. It's not easy (at all) being surrounded by people who want nothing to do with you, if not them treating you like the plague, avoiding you at all costs. It's actually rather quite defeating to be honest.

Feeling like you're a ghost which languidly drifts (unseen) through the room, being heard yet no one is listening, being alive yet feeling utterly worthless. How does one begin to climb out of this hole in the ground when it's far to deep to do so?

I don't even know where to begin (complaining?) talking about myself here... I have very few online friends. Yet, they either have lives of their own, or are too busy to listen to someone like me. Anymore, it's the same thing, day in and day out. Drowning in deep sadness/ dark depression, feeling hopeless/ worthless, feeling like the plague, as very few are able to see past the illness and see a person. A sad/ suffering individual who is beyond reach.

Maybe I'm just a lost cause?

While it hasn't been very long since my X and I broke up. Break-ups have a very nasty effect on me, as it feels more like grieving the loss of a loved one passing. Sure, I broke it off, yet I had to. I couldn't take the constant pain I found myself in with them neglecting my feelings and emotions, as well as throwing/ using my illness/ issues against me.

It's one thing to be lonely and remain that way. It's something entirely different when you have to face going right back to that loneliness after letting someone into your life. Not to mention just how lonely things get as the months fade off into years.

Sure, we all deal with/ have loneliness to some degree in our lives. Yet the kind of loneliness Im talking about here is more like...... Well, let me put it like this..... A few years back (probably bout 6 or years ago now?) a little old man used to come into my work, always dressed nice, hair all slicked back, not that he was out to pick up on any women or anything like that. In all honestly, I think he was too old for such things. Week after week I'd see him at the front of the building trying to socialize with anyone who would talk to him.

Months later, one night, a follow coworker came running through the building bawling her eyes out. For the life of me, I didn't know what was going on, kept wondering to myself who sh!# in her Wheaties? I was probably the last person she turned to that night, yet come to find out, that little old man had done and committed suicide from being, just, that lonely. He was tired of being that lonely and decided he didn't wish to be anymore.

I've often sit back and think about that little old man. Maybe if I (or others here) would have just taken a little extra time/ energy to sit and talk to him, maybe he'd still be alive today? Sadly enough, this is right where I am now. Feeling like there is no reason, no purpose to keep going. As if, if this is all that life seems to offer, why try anymore?

I can only imagine some of you reading this may disagree with what's said herein'. Yet, you don't know me. Or, what I've gone through/ endured in this life. I do my best to be as happy as possible, when able. Yet when you've been in one relationship to the next where your partner lies, cheats, manipulates, uses, takes you for granted, how exactly are you supposed to view life?

How are you supposed to see the light at the end of the tunnel when your own parents wished you were never born?

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel when you've been raped twice, all while having absolutely no one to turn to/ talk to about such things?

Where is the light at the end of the tunnel when you've been ran down/ hit by two moving vehicles?

Where is the light when you've repeatedly been held against your will by those who are supposed to love you?

Where is the light when you've known very little kindness from others?

….....Cause all I see (all ive ever seen) is darkness

Very seldom I read such a long post in it's entirity(sp). Something told me to keep reading.
Life has not been easy for you at all. I hear you.

When I was really desperate, somehow I came across the Law of Atracction in the net. Goggle it.
It won't hurt you anymore than you already are to read it.

Your wounds are very deep. Yet, you are STILL FIGHTING.
You are stronger than you think you are. Give yourself credit where credit is due.

I'm not one to judge, and whoever replies to your thread, should refrain from doing so too.

In my opinion, take it with a grain of salt, things won't improve, if you remain
in the same toxic enviroment that you are in.

Time for a cool change. Life is putting you in yet another difficult(sp) situation. Change. We hate change.
In my eyes, you need change. Change of enviroment. Change of "friends". Change of jobs. Change of location.

You have many talents that will help you to be happy, and find the proberbial light at the end of the tunnel.
You are tenacious(sp), consistent, reliable, intelligent and articulated. In a word, A TRUE FIGHTER equiped(sp) for war.

Channel the energy you have inside you, that you can't see now, but it's there, into personal betterment. Regardless of what the world sees or says.
Always remember that the most important person in the universe is you.
Without you, there's nothing.

I wish I wouln't be so lacking and could say something to you that will be of help.
If anyone has EARNED the right to be happy, it is you.

You are ready to resurge. You are searching. You are hoping. You are strong enough to pay the price for change.

I'm giving you all I got here. I'm trying to convey ideas in a languaje that is not originally mine. I speak Spanish as maternal origin.
You can thank me, thought. Read The Law of Atracction, please. I'll be more than paid for if you read it.

Meantime, you are my friend. I have chosen you to be so.
I'm not much of a chatter. More of a bragger. But I'm willing to give you my time to chat unconditionally(sp). PM me if or when you think it's right for YOU to do so.

You have a friend. Good luck and Cheers.

I, too, read the entire thread. I have had some similar experiences. My first thought is while not taking medicine or therapy has worked in the past I think you might benefit from it at this time until you get over this hump.

I've been raped twice as well. One was sexual molestation by my dad while my mom was in the room and then two coaches cornered me in the locker room and both had their way with me. This is an issue that has to be dealt with. I understand we are different but I was not able to deal with it until I was began seeing a therapist. I tried to talk to my husband one time and he simply walked away. Now that we've been in counseling he is able to handle the conversation.

Break ups suck. I had an affair on my husband and ended it because my husband eventually was ready to work on our marriage. I haven't seen or talked to the other man since May. But, God, sometimes I miss him.

If all of this is making you consider suicide PLEASE see someone - a therapist, a pdoc, or go to the hospital.

We care about you and want to be those people who talk to you enough to prevent what you saw in that older man.

HUGS

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm holding a candle up for you. Can you see it?

I, too, will be your friend if you want. I'm happy to correspond via PM if you're comfortable with that.

I found my light and am trying very very hard to hold on to it ... as you say everyone if different but it does work for me ... peace to you ( if I may .. friend ) ... Tigger .

KasperBlue, though I don't have words of wisdom atm, I wanted to let you know that I read your entire post, because it matters and so do you. You are NOT a lost cause. You have been heard, and my heart goes out to you. I can relate to what you say about being a ghost --I am often heard but not heard (IRL, people here on PC are MUCH better). Pirilin's very true statement that you are a fighter brings something to mind. I have heard of this thing to try, and that is to write the story of your life with you as the HERO of it. The strong survivor, and that shouldn't be hard, because that's what you are! Please give yourself the credit --you have EARNED it.

Also, I think your breaking it off shows real courage and self-respect. That is a VERY hard situation to live in and that kind of relationship can do a number on one's psyche. It can really beat you down. That might be something to keep in mind as it can contribute a down state of mind about yourself. Being free of that gives you the space to build yourself up.

I hope you keep on availing yourself of the forums, we're here and in this together.

Hey Casper. U there?. Send smoke signal.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my post here. I was not in a good place (mentally) when I wrote that. Feeling a bit better today, yet not 100%. The X and I are talking, so hopefully things will come together. Again, thank you all for your kind words. Hope u all have a wonderful day. (((Huggs))) All