You might relate to this

I know that this is pretty typical, but you guys seem really understanding.

For context, I am an artist and student.

Every time my career advances and I'm doing well in school, my down mood stunts it all.

It's almost like for each step I take I have to stop and catch my breath.

This frustrates me because I think of all the things I could have already accomplished had my brain not been wired this way. In this day and age, especially, it is hard to take things slowly when you're trying to build a creative career for yourself. There are moments when I wish I wasn't alive.

I was thinking of applying for government aid, but I'm not sure whether or not I am debilitated enough to qualify. I'm afraid to ask my psychiatrist.

It just makes me want to kill myself. And - for lack of a better word - it's inconvenient.

Anyway, please share your experience as well. Do you feel like your career or studies are stunted?

deffenetly

I can't count the times where I've tried to work hard in school, got complimented by people, then a few days later I rip it up, trash the folder, or do something else with it- spoiling everything

or the times where i've been given a project and for a couple of hours I work really hard on it, and plan to do really well on it for days until it is in, then I lose focus and think **** it... what good will it be anyway

the sad part is that most of my schooling I spent in hospital, so the times I was out and at school were not exactly great ones.

I appreciate your post.

My career was ended between both mental health and physical health challenges. I do recall being afraid this might happen, as well as going through the grieving of it actually happening. It has taken me many, many years to accept this in my life.

I hope things go better for you!


WC

Art is a pretty competitive field. It can be really stressful as well.

I was taking classes for creative writing. I was doing really well, but I was anxious all the time. Finally a professor harassed me in front of the class and that was it.

Do you have a counselor at school that you can talk to about career options?

This.^^ I too lost my career to bipolar as well as physical health issues. I remember being fearful of that possibility as far back as my student nurse days; actually, I think I always knew on some level that I'd lose it all one day. I did have a hard time accepting it, especially when I went on disability and in the early months after I started getting payments.

As much as I knew I needed them, the fact that the government agreed with me that I was too sick to work was kind of a shocker. You have to be in pretty bad shape to get SSDI. I'm still in bad enough shape that they decided not to review my case this year even though it was due. All I had to do was fill out their form and add some comments outlining the difficulties I still have, and they said OK, we don't need to go any further with this. Ironically enough, I was manic and wrote a whole extra page about my problems (arthritis, unable to stand and walk for more than a few minutes, short-term memory loss and difficulties with attention span and word-finding). I guess I sounded pretty pitiful. But I'm doing pretty well within the limitations imposed on me by my body and mind.

Yeah, my career is definitely stunted. I have an M.S. in Cell & Molecular Biology (obtained in 2004) and have not worked since being a grad student. Every job I take, I get so anxious, depressed, and panicked that I nearly end up in the psych hospital.

It was my old pdoc's belief after my last foray into the work force that my mental health issues are too severe to work. But I can't get disability. My husband's job as a teacher even with its measly pay puts us into a tax bracket where we can't receive aid. I have thoughts all the time about lying to the government about my situation just so we can get some help. I won't stoop to that though.

It is messed up though, to have to pay $80 at the pdoc's (lousy health insurance for teachers) to be told you can't work, leave with a list of meds so long, your head it spinning, and you still can't qualify for aid.

I know that there was many times in my life that I could have had a good career but my moods changed from mania to depression almost overnight (usually thanks to the medication that my doctor wanted to try) and I ended going from 70hrs a week to burning out and quitting without notice. The bad part is that I usually loved the job.

I can definitely relate!
Well said!
Thanks for posting!


WC

Yes I relate. I've spent years not producing because of mood episodes. I don't get very much writing done, though I try. It really sucks.

I've dropped out of every school I've been to. 7 in total with $60k in debt. I dropped out of high school the day I was legally allowed to.

I'm contemplating doing it again. I always think "I'm good, I got this." That's when I should realize it's (hypo)mania. I do really well until I don't. I funk spectacularly! The work comes very easy to me. It's just my symptoms flare.

Thanks for the message. Sorry you had to go through that...it must have been awful. I do see a counselor and luckily have a good therapist. I still advance in my career, which is good. It's just that it causes suffering and I wonder why it has to be this way. I wonder what it's like for people who don't have mental health issues...

Hey guys. Thank you so much for answering. There are so many responses. It makes me feel not alone.

It seems a lot of you are talking about difficulties following a straight path at school. I graduated by a hair from high school because my symptoms had already started by my early teens, and I didn't get treatment until I was legally an adult.

Right now, I'm on my second university and I really like it here! It's just very hard to keep up because as much as they say they are disability friendly, they do not implement proper care in practice (attendance to classes functions on a three-strikes-you're-out basis). I had to take a medical leave the year before last because I was in the hospital, then my partner killed himself shortly after, so not a great combo for health... When I thought I was better I wound up in the hospital again. Now I'm multiple years behind some of my classmates due to this. People keep moving on and I'm sort of stuck.

For those of you whose career stopped, that must have been traumatic. I've gone through so many day jobs (grateful for the current one). When I was manic during my freshman year I had four jobs and went to school full time (foundation year at art school is intense). It wound up ruining my physical help because my body could no longer keep up. Like some of you, I am also afraid of being committed again because of how school affects my mind.

Ugh, what a rant haha. Thanks for reading!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope you can find a way to move forward and pursue the creative career(s) you desire.

As for me, just about every time I've left a job it's been because of hypomania or depression. This has happened often enough that my resume is a mile long. In order to make it shorter, I have to cut out several jobs I've had in my field.

It's very frustrating. I work in healthcare and have worked in a couple of famous hospitals, which most likely got me my current job, but I feel like anyone looking at my resume will think that I am, at best, unreliable. And they're right. And also, just because I've worked in well-thought-of hospitals, doesn't mean I thrived there. But there are assumptions, and I benefit from them.

I don't have many friends, or much family, but I finally have a therapist for the first time in a very long time. I'm hoping that if I decide on a whim that I want to leave my current job, which I really like, she will be a voice of reality/reason for me. If I need to take time off to get well, then so be it. But leaving and starting over is, too often, not the best answer.

Indeed. My story's too convoluted and long to tell here, but, yes, stunted career, changes in fields, restarts, and failures.

You're not alone. I struggled immensely in high school, college, and grad school. Now I struggle with my job. I don't know how much longer I can keep up.

I did well in college but only because I was asymptomatic at the time. Ever since teaching full time I’ve been struggling. I finally decided to give up teaching full time after getting fired again this past year. I have taken a job as a full time substitute however. I am hoping it will be less stressful and I’ll be able to handle it. If not, well....I’m not sure what will happen.

I hope you are able to peruse the career you want to persue despite your troubles. You are certainly not alone.

Thank you, everyone, for your support. I like hearing your stories. I'll be starting the new school year soon so hopefully, it will go well.

I wanted to write more, but really it is best for me to say what vertigo wrote above.

I am the type that always wants to include a positive with negatives. Today is not a "positive" feeling day for me, but yesterday was. I've had positive excitedly hopeful days sprinkled between OK and low days for a while. I accept that as my current reality with my bipolar disorder.

I'm in my mid 40s and don't know what my future holds. However, I am curious and I try to stay curious. I tell myself again and again that the storm will end. After the forest burns down, new growth will sprout.

That's inspiring, thank you.

Having BD has made it impossible for me to live a "normal" life. Pursuing the typical American dream was no more an option for me than going to the moon was. That said, the magnificence I see in a flower or the extraordinary meaning I derive from a song is something my friends with two new cars and a house will never experience.
Everything in life is a trade-off.